EPISODE 5 - ABNEGATION

(TITLE MUSIC)

THE OFFICE.

(ALVINA ENTERS CARRYING A SCRABBLE BOX)

ALVINA

Are you ready to be humbled, overwhelmed and undone?

INTERVIEWER

(GROANS) You again?

ALVINA

Or are you feeling timorous, perturbed or browbeaten?

INTERVIEWER

Are you talking in code?

ALVINA

I'm warming up!

INTERVIEWER

For a spelling bee or a rap battle?

ALVINA

Scrabble! I brought the box.

INTERVIEWER

What for?

ALVINA

To play.

INTERVIEWER

No, no, no! The note I left on your desk said "raffle"! Not "Scrabble"! I mean, can't you read? We are killing Mother Mary at the next church raffle! She'll draw a mysterious note with a skull drawn on it out of the tombola wheel, then half an hour later she'll topple over the sandwich table dead as a Dodo, finger sandwiches flying everywhere. We're going for an Agatha Christie style murder mystery. How do you read "raffle" and get "Scrabble"? I mean, nobody dies from Scrabble! Unless they eat a tile and choke…

ALVINA

That reminds me. Earlier today, you said that you'd make me eat my words. I've been thinking we should make that into a bet.

INTERVIEWER

Sorry?

ALVINA (CON’T)

I bet I can make you eat your words! I was reigning champion in the "Scilly Scrabble Challenge" three years in a row. Whoever loses tonight, shall eat their words!

INTERVIEWER

You and I are playing?

ALVINA

Yes. That's what we agreed earlier.

INTERVIEWER

(REMEMBERING) Oh, yes, right. Of course. I got so caught up in Mother Mary's story I completely forgot. Did you know that when she came to Britain, she could neither read nor write? And now she's translated the Bible into four extinct languages!

ALVINA

I do know. I compiled her case file.

INTERVIEWER

Hm. Riveting. So - this bet...

ALVINA

Yes?

INTERVIEWER

Are you suggesting whoever loses eats their remaining Scrabble pieces? Because Kozlowski and I did something similar with Ludo once and it didn't end well.

ALVINA

Uh… No - You’re weird…

Look, I suggest Alphabet biscuits! Whoever looses has to eat their apology spelled out in biscuits.

INTERVIEWER

(WITH DISDAIN) Ew, Alphabet biscuits? But they're so dry!

ALVINA

Exactly!

INTERVIEWER

(AS DRY AS THE BISCUITS) You have a dark side.

ALVINA

Scrabble is a game of life and death.

INTERVIEWER

I see I’m going to have to watch you. Okay. You're on.

ALVINA

Good. I'll set up. Uhm - could we play in my office instead?

INTERVIEWER

Huh?! Wait a minute - you have an office?!

ALVINA

Yes.

INTERVIEWER

Outrageous! I worked for this company for decades before I got my own office!

ALVINA

Amelia gave me her old one, and she is moving upstairs.

INTERVIEWER

Upstairs?! But that is just an empty attic.

ALVINA

Oh, she's got builders coming in next week to deck it out. We're using Yrsa and Taavetti, the clients you set up as Finnish interior decorators. Apparently Amelia has a thing for Scandinavian design.

INTERVIEWER

Let's hope they've managed to settle into their new identities. They were neither Scandinavian nor interior decorators to start with. Amelia could end up with something that looks less like an office and more like a Moroccan shisha-lounge.

ALVINA

So, should we play in my office? There's no space for the board on your desk, and my office is spic and span -

INTERVIEWER

No.

ALVINA

No?

INTERVIEWER

No, no, no, no. There's plenty of space -

(THE INTERVIEWER SHOVES WHATEVER IS ON HIS DESK ONTO THE FLOOR. CUPS, PENS AND LOTS OF PAPER FLYING EVERYWHERE.)

ALVINA

The client reports!

INTERVIEWER

- and besides my office is much more "hyggelig"! Have you heard of "hygge"? It's a Danish word, describing the Scandinavian mentality: Finding comfort in simple things such as a cozy atmosphere or... a Danish pastry! The Scandinavians have got more to offer than minimalist furniture.

ALVINA

I am familiar with the concept of "hygge".

INTERVIEWER

Oh…

ALVINA (CON’T)

And I'm pretty sure the Scandinavian definition of a cozy atmosphere does not involve the amount of clutter that you surround yourself with.

INTERVIEWER

But this is not clutter!

ALVINA

Your desk - until you swiped everything onto the floor - was covered in dog eared books -

INTERVIEWER

(INTERJECTING) I was reading those!

ALVINA (CON’T)

-half finished crossword puzzles -

INTERVIEWER

I was working on those!

ALVINA(CON’T)

(POINTEDLY)- unread client reports -

INTERVIEWER

I was going to - well, I wasn't but -

ALVINA(CON’T)

- and a dozen moldy cocoa mugs!

INTERVIEWER

There were only eleven.

ALVINA

And now all of those things are in a jumble on the floor. That. Is not. Cozy!

INTERVIEWER

If you are going to be like that, I don't want to play Scrabble with you.

ALVINA

Sorry. I am here to get to know you, not to complain.

(TRYING TO MAKE JOKE) Growing up with seagulls as your only neighbors, you don't really get to hone your social skills!

BEAT

And you'll notice that I... don't deal that well with... mess.

INTERVIEWER

I just told you - it isn't mess!

ALVINA

Okay okay, not mess - (LOOKING FOR WORDS) other people's systems! I don't like other people's systems. It puts me on edge.

INTERVIEWER

You are going to have to work on that. You have three colleagues here, all with their own unique sense of order.

Amelia shoves everything into one of two boxes, either the one marked "Archive" or the one marked "Special archive". The latter makes a whirring sound and poops paper strips. (CHUCKLES)

Kozlowski orders his retina collection not by size or color, like any normal person, but by what he calls "inspirational quality". I advise you to never knock those containers over, there is no way to get the retinas back in order and your crime will not go unnoticed. Those were the longest four months of my life.

And as for me... Well, I like freedom. Too much order, and I feel like I'm wearing a straight-jacket.

So, can we please play Scrabble in here, where I can think? If you're so good at Scrabble, where you play shouldn't matter, should it?

ALVINA

Sure. We'll play here.

(SHE SETS UP THE SCRABBLE BOARD ON HIS DESK)

INTERVIEWER

(SURPRISED HUFF SHE IS CONVINCED SO EASILY)

ALVINA

Oh - and by the way.

INTERVIEWER

Yes?

ALVINA

I did see that note that said "raffle". Was I supposed to deduce your entire Agatha Christie style plan from just one word?

INTERVIEWER

Of course not. I was going to explain the details tomorrow.

ALVINA

Thank God. I got a bit worried there for a moment.

INTERVIEWER

Well, I wouldn’t expect an intern to second guess my thoughts after only a day.

ALVINA

I'm not - and I've been here -

INTERVIEWER

Of course I did once wrote a note for Amelia that said "gumball" and when I got back she'd ordered four tuxedos, a barber shop quartet and four hundred gallons of gasoline. But don't worry, you'll get there.

ALVINA

I'm not an intern!

INTERVIEWER

Draw!

ALVINA

What?

INTERVIEWER

Draw a tile! We have to see who starts!

ALVINA

Oh. Right.

(ALVINA SIGHS AND RUMMAGES AROUND IN THE BAG WITH TILES. FADE OUT WITH MUSIC)

A WHILE LATER.

(THE INTERVIEWER LAYS DOWN THE LAST TILE IN A WORD.)

INTERVIEWER

...and N! That's oxytocin!

(WORKING OUT THE POINTS)

That is seventy points, plus the points for making "ever" into "never"...

(COUNTING)

ALVINA

Argh! How are you getting such good tiles? That's your third word with an X in it! You are just raking in the points!

Wait a minute. Xylophone. Xenial. Oxytocin. There are only supposed to be two X'es in a Scrabble set.

INTERVIEWER

Hm?

ALVINA

Someone has put an X back in the wrong box!

INTERVIEWER

(DEFIANT) Well that's not my fault.

ALVINA

Gah, I suppose not. We'll let it slide. I could just as well have drawn it. But I'll go through the tiles after we're finished just in case. Then it'll be right the next time we play.

INTERVIEWER

I didn't think you'd want to play again.

ALVINA

Why not?

INTERVIEWER

For a three time Scilly Scrabble Challenge record holder, this defeat must be devastating. I wouldn't want to hurt your pride a second time.

ALVINA

Oh, this game isn't over.

INTERVIEWER

You have four tiles left and I am 180 points ahead. (CHUCKLES) I don't think you're going to win.

ALVINA

You're right. (SINISTER) But I want revenge.

INTERVIEWER

Fine. If you want to humiliate yourself again, I shan't stop you.

(ALVINA PUTS DOWN HER LAST TILES)

ALVINA

Also: Xenas. Using your X. Seems a fitting word to end on.

INTERVIEWER

"A strong and confident woman". Hm. Neat - but not enough to beat me, I'm afraid. In fact, I think it's time you ate your words!

ALVINA

I suppose. Alphabet biscuits it is... Which words should I eat?

(ALVINA OPENS THE BOX OF ALPHABET BISCUITS AND STARTS GETTING BISCUITS OUT)

INTERVIEWER

If I might make a suggestion… How about: "I have met my match in Scrabble".

ALVINA

Prrfff. That's a lot of Alphabet biscuits.

(THE INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES)

Okay. There's an I and an M…

(SHE EATS THE TWO BISCUITS, WHILST CONTINUING TO LOOK THROUGH THE BISCUITS)

(WHILST MUNCHING)I can't believe you got all three X's, plus two of the three Z's and -

INTERVIEWER

Oh, is that the time? (YAWNS LOUDLY) It’s getting late, isn’t it. I think it's time we went home.

ALVINA

(MUNCHING) I'm not done with the Alphabet biscuit punishment.

INTERVIEWER

Yes, it is very late. I must dash, so let's pack this up and -

ALVINA

(MUNCHING) Hold on! Stop right there!

INTERVIEWER

What?

ALVINA

(SWALLOWS) There are only two Q's and two Z's in Scrabble! These tiles are all wrong - You've been cheating!

INTERVIEWER

I've done no such thing!

(A DRAWER CREAKS SHUT)

ALVINA

What was that?

(ALVINA GETS UP AND DASHES AROUND THE DESK)

INTERVIEWER

Nothing!

ALVINA

Open that drawer!

INTERVIEWER

No!

ALVINA

Open it!

INTERVIEWER

I have personal things in there!

ALVINA

Like what?

INTERVIEWER

My... (STUTTERS) creams and ointments.

ALVINA

In your desk?! Hogwash! Open the drawer!

(ALVINA TRIES PULLING THE DRAWER OPEN, THE INTERVIEWER TRIES HOLDING IT SHUT)

ALVINA

Ngh!

INTERVIEWER

(STRUGGLING) Don't - You'll get your fingers caught in the - Argh!

(THE INTERVIEWER LOSES THE FIGHT. THE DRAWER FLIES OPEN AND SCRABBLE TILES FLY EVERYWHERE)

BEAT.

ALVINA

You cheated.

INTERVIEWER

Well...

ALVINA

You had a whole other set of tiles in there!

INTERVIEWER

Yes. Two.

ALVINA

Why?!

INTERVIEWER

Well, because…

BEAT.

ALVINA

Yes?

BEAT.

Come on? I thought you were so good at Scrabble, why not play fair?

INTERVIEWER

I panicked, okay?! I noticed you'd used "abnegation" and "promulgate" and I thought "Oh dear, this one's good with words"!

ALVINA

"Abnegation" and "promulgate"? When did I use - ? Oh! I used those words in my client report on Mother Mary! You read my client report!

INTERVIEWER

I did not!

ALVINA

So you're finally reading my reports!

INTERVIEWER

I'm not. I asked Kozlowski to drop by to discuss how to best poison Mother Mary. The report was just lying there on the desk, it caught his eye and he decided to read it out loud. He thought it was a thrilling read. I dozed off for most of it, truth be told.

ALVINA

Apart from where it said "abnegation" and "promulgate".

INTERVIEWER

Yes.

ALVINA

You know what. I don't want to play with you again.

INTERVIEWER

What? Why?

ALVINA

I don't play with people who cheat.

INTERVIEWER

It was a one time occurrence! The next time I'll play fair, I promise! You can check my drawer before we start. And my pockets.

(HE EMPTIES HANDFULS OF SCRABBLE TILES OUT OF HIS POCKETS)

Or better yet, how about we play in your office? I won't be able to cheat in there. No places to hide anything!

ALVINA

Are you sure you want to play? I might beat you.

INTERVIEWER

Yes. You might. Although you might not. Normally I'm rather good.

ALVINA

We'll find out. Next week same time?

INTERVIEWER

If one of us looses more than the other, can we come up with some sort of handicap-system, like in golf?

(ALVINA IS ON HER WAY OUT)

ALVINA

Good night. See you tomorrow.

(STOPS AT THE DOOR)

ALVINA

I do feel like I've got to know you a little.

INTERVIEWER

Oh dear. Well. Good night.

END OF EPISODE.