ALVINA’S FIRST CHRISTMAS - SPECIAL EPISODE
Hello dear supporters of The Amelia Project, this is an exclusive bonus episode just for you, Alvina’s First Christmas!
It is December 2012, the end of Alvina’s first year working at The Amelia Project, a year in which she has swapped an idyllic if boring island existence for a hectic, challenging and exciting life at a death faking agency.
But it’s also a year in which she has been consistently snubbed, belittled and insulted by The Interviewer, as listeners of our bonus series The Alvina Archives will be well aware. And in December, well… as you will hear, things come to a head…
Make yourself some cocoa and settle down for Alvina’s First Christmas.
THE AMELIA OFFICES, 24TH DECEMBER, AFTERNOON.
ALVINA
(TO HERSELF) And that's everything! Phew! The last case file finished just in time for Christmas! The only thing left to do is picking up the replacement corpse from Walter -
(THE INTERVIEWER RUNS PAST, STRESSED OUT OF HIS MIND)
INTERVIEWER
Pogo sticks, pogo sticks, pogo sticks, pogo sticks, pogo sticks!
ALVINA
What is going on? Where are you going? The pogo sticks are in -
(A DOOR FALLS SHUT)
Never mind, he's gone. Ooh! That reminds me. The Christmas presents! I mustn't forget the -
(AMELIA RUNS PAST. SHE IS ALSO STRESSED OUT OF HER MIND)
AMELIA
Blood bags, blood bags, blood bags, blood bags, blood bags, blood bags!
ALVINA
Uh - Amelia! Kozlowski already has them, he already started preparing - And she's gone.
BEAT.
Should I get Amelia's present out of the freezer now, or wait? I'll wait, she looked busy. I wanted to head home, and I still have to swing by St. Thomas' Hospital on the way.
(THE INTERVIEWER RUNS PAST AGAIN, JUST AS STRESSED AS BEFORE)
INTERVIEWER
Starting pistol, starting pistol!
(HE STARTS RUMMAGING AROUND SOMEWHERE)
ALVINA
Oh, hi - excuse me, could you -
Interviewer (CON’T)
Starting pistol, starting pistol-
ALVINA
I was just going to ask if you could -
interviewer
Not now Amina!
ALVINA
Alvina.
interviewer
The starting pistol!
ALVINA
I've worked here since February, you know my name! And the starting pistol is already in the Beetle - hey! Why are you running?
BEAT.
I swear on the holy Christmas spirit, if he doesn't start listening to me...!
(AMELIA RUNS PAST AGAIN)
AMELIA
Gunpowder, gunpowder, gunpowder, gunpowder!
ALVINA
Amelia, can you hold for a second!
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
I have something for you and -
with a smile
it's in the freezer, so -
AMELIA
The toes!
ALVINA
It's not the toes.
AMELIA
It's not the toes? Are the toes not in the freezer? Where are the toes? Kozlowski needs the toes! Jesus Christ, Alvina, why aren't the toes in the freezer!?
(AMELIA RUNS OFF)
ALVINA
The toes are in the freezer, they're in Kozlowski's freezer! I was talking about the freezer in the kitchen -
And she's not listening either... Too bad, I'll eat the Ice Cream Cake myself then!
INTERVIEWER
(SUDDENLY) Did someone say Ice Cream Cake?
ALVINA
(JUMPS) Oh! You're here. Yes. But it's not for you. I got it for Amelia for Christmas, because I didn't know what to get her and - I thought she'd appreciate something edible -
interviewer
Cocoa!
ALVINA
What?
interviewer
I have forgotten the cocoa!
(HE STARTS RUNNING AGAIN)
Cocoa, cocoa, cocoa, cocoa, cocoa, cocoa, cocoa, cocoa!
ALVINA
Why are you both running around like this!?
(THE INTERVIEWER IS GONE AGAIN)
ALVINA
I give up. I was going to hand over the presents in person, but... I guess I'll just put them on their desks. I'll leave a note for Amelia saying where she can find hers.
(THE INTERVIEWER AND AMELIA COME RUNNING FROM DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. OVERLAPPING)
INTERVIEWER
Music stands, music stands, music stands, music stan -
AMELIA
SIMULTANEOUSLY
Dental records, dental records, dental records, dental rec -
(THEY CRASH INTO EACH OTHER)
AMELIA AND INTERVIEWER
Auch! Ahhhh!
interviewer
Are you OK?
Amelia
I'm fine, I’m fine and you?
interviewer
I'm good. Why are you running like that?
Amelia
I have to find the dental records!
interviewer
Oh! I have to load the music stands!
AMELIA
Well, let's go!
(THEY OVERLAP AGAIN AS THEY CONTINUE RUNNING)
AMELIA
This disappearance is going to the dogs, it is going so completely 'tits up' the tits are going to reach the ceiling - !
interviewer
Without the music stands the band can't play and without the band there is no distraction and without the distraction we can't get the replacement corpse in place - !
ALVINA
YOU TWO BE QUIET!
Silence.
interviewer
Sorry?
AMELIA
What did you say?
ALVINA
Why are you stressing so much!?
interviewer
Listen, Alpina -
ALVINA
Alvina.
interviewer
Alpina. If you haven't noticed, it's the 24th December, we have a death to fake on Boxing Day, and before then there are a thousand things to get in order, like the pogo sticks, the music stands, the starting pistol -
Amelia
- the blood bags, the gunpowder, the dental records, the toes! -
interviewer
- the replacement corpse and my cocoa! The weather report says it's going to be freezing in Diggle on Boxing Day, and I need the cocoa to stay warm!
Amelia
What I'd like to know, Alvina, is: Why aren't you running around fixing anything?
interviewer
Yes Alpaca -
ALVINA
Alvina.
Interviewer (CON’T)
- why aren't you fixing anything?
ALVINA
Because it’s Christmas.
AMELIA
(LAUGHS) Because it’s Christmas? Were you under the impression we take time off?
ALVINA (CON’T)
And because the disappearance isn't until Boxing Day.
interviewer
We have little more than 38 hours to get everything in place -
ALVINA (CON’T WITH NO LITTLE AMOUNT OF SATISFACTION)
But most of all because everything is already in place!
Beat.
interviewer
What?
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
The starting pistol is ready in the trunk of the Beetle, together with the dental records and the gunpowder. Kozlowski is already preparing the toes and the blood bags. The pogo sticks and the music stands were sent ahead to the Diggle Sports Ground three days ago. As for the replacement corpse, I'll drop by Walter on my way home. And you don't need to make cocoa 38 hours in advance, it will get cold. Even in a thermos. The Diggle Christmas Fete disappearance is all set to go! We can take Christmas Day off, we can even go home early today to enjoy Christmas Eve! Then we'll meet back here bright and early on Boxing Day!
AMELIA
Well, that's... uh… that’s… that's great, Alvina. But we don't take Christmas off.
ALVINA
Why not?
AMELIA
Well, we... never have. There is always a Christmas disappearance!
interviewer
It is a tradition! The Porthmadog Rabies Outbreak in 2008! The Liphook Botox Disaster in 2005! The Waterfoot Swimming Hall Flooding last year!
AMELIA
The Haugh of Glass Pottery Explosion in 2004!
interviewer
(LAUGHING) That was a good one! Though I picked shards of porcelain out of my suit for months afterwards.
AMELIA
Christmas is a very popular time to disappear.
interviewer
And there is always too much to do!
ALVINA
Well - not this year. I took care of it.
AMELIA
That's uhm… that’s great Alvina.
interviewer
(TO AMELIA) Amelia... Is she allowed to talk back like that? She's just an intern!
ALVINA
I'm an employee!
interviewer
Is she?!
AMELIA
You know she is.
interviewer
Well, she is a junior employee! No - wait - oh, what's below junior... She's a sophomore employee! A freshman employee! No - let's go latin - junior comes from juvenis which means young... What is infant in Latin again? Oh, of course: Infanti! She's an infanti employee! (LAUGHS ABOUT HIMSELF PROUDLY)
AMELIA
She's obviously done good work. Give her a break.
interviewer
(SCOFFS THEN CONSIDERS, AND REMEMBERS…)
The again… I suppose it would be kind of nice to have a day off - it's been a long time, Amelia...
AMELIA
That is not what I meant!
interviewer
Oh?
AMELIA
In fact, if Alvina's finished prepping the Diggle Christmas Fete Disappearance, that means we can get started on the Snettisham New Year's Disappearance!
interviewer
Ai- (DISAPPOINTED) Of course.
AMELIA
What do we need again? Fourteen yards of rope, a barrel of herring and a huge amount of fireworks -
interviewer
I've looked more closely into the fireworks. I think 72 firecrackers, 5 Smoke Bombs, 13 Ground Spinners and an assortment of poppers and snakes should do. Although 14 Ground Spinners wouldn't go amiss. Or 15... Then we could -
ALVINA
Guys! Please! It's Christmas! Both of you are clearly overworked, you haven't had a holiday in years! But - there are more hands on deck now. It won't be a problem to get the Snettisham New Year's Disappearance ready, we have four full days to do it. I can work double days for that matter.
AMELIA
Uh, you already work double days.
ALVINA
Triple then! I can't believe I'm the one to say this - I love working - but for once let's... relax, shall we?
interviewer
Amelia?
AMELIA
Are you agreeing to this?
interviewer
I mean... A long time ago, I used to love Christmas.
AMELIA
Yeah, then I came along and made this a professional venture.
interviewer
A new broom and all that, I know... But still... it's Christmas!
ALVINA
Please? Just this year, then we can reassess!
AMELIA
Pff... Tsssss... Pfff... OK! Fine, we'll take Christmas Day off.
ALVINA
Yes!
interviewer
Hurrah!
Amelia (CON’T)
But only Christmas Day!
ALVINA
excited
Now that you have tomorrow off, what are your plans?
interviewer
Oh, oh well, you know, I'm not sure...
AMELIA
I don't really do Christmas, so -
interviewer
Well, since we haven't taken Christmas off for years, I'm out of practice! But I suppose I'll bring my thermos of cocoa home and - uh...
ALVINA
OK, this is pathetic! I'm inviting you both for Christmas Day brunch tomorrow! My place is tiny, though... We better do it here at the office! Kozlowski is invited too of course. We are going to stuff ourselves with cake, drink mulled wine until we drop, play board games and sing every Christmas carol we can think of - twice!
interviewer
That sounds delightful!
AMELIA
That's a lot of... Christmas… (CLEARS THROAT)
interviewer
I'll be there with bells on! Literal bells! I have a bow tie that I've been dying to use. It goes jingle-jangle when I move!
BEAT.
ALVINA
And you Amelia?
AMELIA
I suppose the drinking part sounds fun…
BEAT.
Thank you for the invitation. I'll be there.
ALVINA
I can give you your Christmas presents tomorrow then!
interviewer
You got us presents? I need to get you something in return! There's not much time!
(THE INTERVIEWER RUNS OFF)
Present for Alvina, present for Alvina, present for Alvina, present for Alvina, present for Alvina...
ALVINA
Did you hear that?
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Are you guilt tripping me into getting you a present? Because I'm not giving anyone any presents. That's going too far.
ALVINA
No, no! He got my name right!
AMELIA
He probably thought your name was Elvira, so he went with Alvina.
BEAT.
I don't buy presents.
ALVINA
I find more joy in giving than receiving anyway.
AMELIA
Blergh.
(TO HERSELF)(TO HERSELF)
Oh God, I'm gonna have to unwrap a present! There needs to be enough alcohol at this party...
(TO ALVINA) Alvina. I'll bring the booze.
(AMELIA RUNS OFF)
Liquor, liquor, liquor, liquor, liquor, liquor, liquor, liquor…
BEAT.
(ALVINA SIGHS AND SHAKES HER HEAD)
ST. THOMAS' HOSPITAL, THE PATHOLOGY LAB, A FEW HOURS LATER, ABOUT 5PM ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
(PEN ON PAPER. A KNOCK)
WALTER
(CALLING) You can go home, Bernice, I'm just going to finish up some paperwork!
ALVINA
Merry Christmas!
WALTER
Oh, it's you! Come in.
(ALVINA ENTERS)
ALVINA
Should I be worried about this Bernice popping her head in?
WALTER
If she does, just be absolutely still and pretend to be a corpse.
ALVINA
What if I fart?
WALTER
Corpses fart all the time.
ALVINA
Do they?
WALTER
You haven't come across a farting corpse?
ALVINA
I had one that burped. Scared the living daylights out of me. Wait - what are you wearing?
WALTER
Oh - this? Nothing.
ALVINA
Nothing?! It's your Waldo outfit!
WALTER
Yeah.
ALVINA
I've never seen you in your Waldo outfit! Is there a Christmas Waldo convention or something?
WALTER
No. I was planning to stroll around central London for a bit. Observe the frantic last minute shoppers on Oxford Street, smile at the grandparents showing their grandchildren the Christmas lights down Regent street...
ALVINA
You look amazing!
WALTER
I have spent some time perfecting it.
(QUIETLY) Yeah, too much…
ALVINA
I can't believe I never got to see you as Waldo before. When you deliver corpses, you’re always in scrubs.
WALTER
I don't like getting blood on my Waldo outfit. Mixing up my fun-times-Waldo-life and my scalpel-and-dead-people-life... it's an odd fit.
ALVINA
Yet here you are.
WALTER
I couldn't be asked to go back home to change. Plus the corpse we're moving is nice and dry.
ALVINA
Yay.
WALTER
You'll have to come to Covent Garden one day and people-watch with me!
ALVINA
As long as I don't have to speak to anyone.
WALTER
I think you'd enjoy it. Come whenever you want, I'm there nearly every weekend!
ALVINA
Well, if I had any weekends off... Speaking of time off, Christmas Eve is upon us, so let's get this corpse out of here!
WALTER
Yeah, sure.
ALVINA
Where's the body?
WALTER
Uh-uh! Not so fast. Paperwork first.
ALVINA
Of course. Forms to fill in and signatures to forge!
(WALTER TURNS ON THE COMPUTER. IT'S VERY, VERY OLD AND TAKES AGES TO TURN ON)
WALTER
Actually - whilst this dinosaur tries to wake up - do we have time for one fun thing?
ALVINA
I guess.
WALTER
I really want to show you something!
ALVINA
What?
(WALTER GOES OVER TO THE FREEZER. HE PULLS OUT A DRAWER)
WALTER
Look... at this!
(WITH A FLOURISH HE PULLS AWAY THE CLOTH COVERING THE BODY)
Tadaa!!
(A LONG SILENCE. WHATEVER IS GOING ON WITH THIS CORPSE, IT IS INCREDIBLY DISGUSTING)
ALVINA
(SICKENED)
What. Is. That!?
WALTER
Isn't it beautiful?
ALVINA
I think I might be sick...
WALTER
Have you ever seen anything like it?
ALVINA
No, and I wish I never had.
WALTER
We don't get one of those every day!
ALVINA
Gaah, I can't look, but I can't look away either!
WALTER
The patterns! The play of colours! It's like a gaudy Christmas decoration! If you look at it from this angle, it looks a bit like Christmas baubles! And that pattern looks a little bit like tinsel! The whole thing almost glows like fairy lights!
ALVINA
A gaudy... sickening... Christmas decoration...
BEAT.
Walter. Can we please agree on something?
WALTER
What?
ALVINA
If you ever come across anything like this again -
WALTER
Uh?
ALVINA
Can you make a point of not showing it to me?
WALTER
What if you need a corpse in that condition?
ALVINA
In the very, very unlikely case that'll ever happen, I'll make sure to be out of town.
WALTER
I thought you'd appreciate it. It's not a person you have to talk to! You can just observe.
ALVINA
Well. I'd like to not observe that any longer, please. Can you cover it up?
WALTER
(DISAPPOINTED) Sure.
(HE COVERS THE BODY UP AGAIN AND CLOSES THE DRAWER)
ALVINA
Oh, Walter, Walter... We were off to such a good start. I found you a bit weird when we first met, but over the last nine months I've really started enjoying your company! And then you go and show me something like... this.
WALTER
I'm so sorry! I - I thought - I -
ALVINA
Hey, I'm joking! I still like you. But let's agree to disagree on certain things.
WALTER
(RELIEVED) Sure.
ALVINA
Do you think if I get incredibly drunk I'll forget you ever showed me that?
WALTER
I doubt it.
ALVINA
I might try anyway.
WALTER
Oh look who decided to wake up, the computer is finally on.
ALVINA
Great!
(WALTER TYPES IN HIS PASSWORD AND PRESSES ENTER)
WALTER
Password... and there we go.
ALVINA
Gahhhhh!
WALTER
Oh, sorry!
(WALTER'S DESKTOP PICTURE IS A CLOSE UP OF HIM DISSECTION WHATEVER THEY WERE JUST WATCHING. WALTER FRANTICALLY CLICKS WITH THE MOUSE. THEIR LINES OVERLAP)
WALTER
Sorry, sorry,
ALVINA
Get that away from me!
WALTER
I'll exchange it! Here we go!
ALVINA
Get it off the screen!
WALTER
I'm so sorry! I forgot I did that! Ah, now I can't remember how to get it away!
ALVINA
Why do you have THAT as your desktop picture!? In close up!? Cut open!?! It is SICK!
WALTER
It's not sick, it's natural! Well - it is sick I guess, in the technical term, it's lethal actually, but -
ALVINA
Having to look at that for work is one thing, but having a photo of it as your desktop background! That is absolutely - !
WALTER
Okay, I've opened a program! You can't see it anymore! You can open your eyes! It's safe!
ALVINA
(BREATHES OUT)
WALTER
I'll just go ahead and start...
ALVINA
Yeah, type away.
(ALVINA SLUMPS DOWN IN A CHAIR. WALTER TYPES)
(PAUSE)
(THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION HAPPENS WHILST WALTER WORKS. WALTER TYPES, CLICKS, WAITS, AND TYPES SOME MORE)
ALVINA
St. Thomas' Hospital's Pathology Lab... First time I came here, I remember thinking: Is this really it?
WALTER
What do you mean?
ALVINA
It was just... not what I expected.
(PRINTING SOUNDS)
WALTER
What did you expect? The dark and dingy laboratory of Dr. Frankenstein with weird-looking machines and indeterminable specimens in jars? Or were you expecting the American Hospital-soap-opera-version where everything is bright and white and extremely clean? Or perhaps you were imagining X-files; a room with a blue hue and one bright spotlight right on the autopsy table?
ALVINA
I don't know what I expected. This isn't like any of those examples though.
WALTER
It's not.
ALVINA
It's a really, really... boring room.
WALTER
It's a bit more lively when there's a dead body on the slab - believe it or not.
ALVINA
The colours on the walls! So ugly!
WALTER
Faded peach and pastel turquoise. Not a good combo.
ALVINA
How do you stand working here?
WALTER
I focus on what I have to do. Dissecting corpses is more interesting than I thought.
ALVINA
It is?
WALTER
When I got into neuroscience, it was because I wanted to study living people. I was interested in how people see; how we search for things, why we find them - or why we miss them.
ALVINA
That sounds fascinating.
WALTER
It is. And I was very sad to have to leave my studies behind when I fled here.
ALVINA
I'm sorry to hear that.
Walter (CON’T)
But! I have found a new fascination!
ALVINA
Yes?
WALTER
These past months I've cut open hundreds of corpses. At first I thought they couldn't tell me anything. I daydreamed about meeting them when they were alive, to see how they dressed, hear how they spoke! But then I started noticing things.
(THE PRINTER IS DONE. HE PINS SOMETHING TOGETHER)
ALVINA
What... things?
WALTER
I've dissected octogenarians who've had a long life and unlucky teenagers who didn't. I've found the cause of death in Asian, African, American and European bodies. I have searched for clues in shrivelled up livers and at the roots of chemically bleached hair. And I've realised that these bodies have so many stories to tell!
ALVINA
So many stories that you forget about the colour on the walls?
WALTER
Exactly! The corpse I'm handing over to you for example: The result of a nasty accident whilst cleaning an industrial bread baking machine. The man was basically kneaded to death. But I happen to know that he would have died in the next few weeks anyway. His lungs were too far gone from smoking forty a day.
(HE PLACES A RING BINDER BACK ON THE SHELF)
Alright - I'm done. We can get the corpse now.
(HE PULLS OUT ANOTHER FREEZER DRAWER)
WALTER
Ready for you in three IKEA bags.
ALVINA
You're a star.
WALTER
I'll help you carry them to your car.
ALVINA
They look heavy.
WALTER
We can wheel them most of the way.
(HE LIFTS THE BAGS ONTO A WHEELED STEEL TABLE AND THROWS A SHEET OVER)
Let's go!
(THEY HEAD OUT INTO THE HALLWAY)
ST. THOMAS HOSPITAL, HALLWAY
(WALTER LOCKS UP THE LAB)
ALVINA
I parked by the dumpsters.
(THEY WHEEL DOWN THE CORRIDOR)
ALVINA
What are you doing after people-spotting?
WALTER
What do you mean?
ALVINA
Tonight. What are your plans for Christmas Eve?
WALTER
Oh, uhm… nothing.
ALVINA
Nothing?
WALTER
Not really. I'm Jewish.
ALVINA
Still. You're not seeing friends or...?
WALTER
I don't really have friends. Yet! Working strange hours at a pathology lab, spending all my free time as Waldo.... You don't really meet many people. I was thinking of joining a hiking group or something. Maybe.
ALVINA
Is that why you wouldn't say "Merry Christmas"?
WALTER
This year, being so far from everything I knew, I didn't really feel like saying "Happy Hanukkah" either.
ALVINA
So tonight's plans are...
WALTER
Ordering from my favourite Vietnamese place, and watch whatever is on the telly.
ALVINA
Okay, that's not happening!
(THEY STOP)
WALTER
It's not?
ALVINA
Do you know what my plans were?
WALTER
No?
ALVINA
Guess.
WALTER
Seeing... friends?
ALVINA
I made a dinner reservation at The Ivy.
WALTER
Fancy.
ALVINA
Sure.
WALTER
Who are you dining with?
ALVINA
No one.
WALTER
Oh.
ALVINA
I was going alone. But not anymore.
WALTER
You want me to - ?
ALVINA
Would you?
WALTER
I can't afford -
ALVINA
It's on me! Consider it a Christmas present.
WALTER
But I haven't got anything for you.
ALVINA
But it's not a present for you! It's a present for me. I deserve company.
WALTER
Well, eh... OK then! But then I- should I get changed? I'll have to go home and meet you later -
ALVINA
I have a better idea.
WALTER
Oh?
ALVINA
The beetle's safe by the dumpster for tonight, isn't it?
WALTER
Should be.
ALVINA
In that case, let's head straight from here to the Ivy, and on the way, we'll go people watching like you planned.
WALTER
(STUTTERING) Sure!
ALVINA
Then - let's see if we can't find a clothes shop and improvise a Wenda costume for me!
WALTER
(THRILLED) A Wenda costume!
ALVINA
Yes! Let's go to The Ivy both dressed as Waldo characters!
WALTER
You would do that?
ALVINA
No, not normally... But I'm in a funny mood today.
WALTER
Why?
ALVINA
Like you said, it's been a weird year. Leaving behind my old life, joining The Amelia Project...
WALTER
You might as well try something else new?
ALVINA
Something like that.
Beat.
WALTER
And...?
(ALVINA DOESN'T ANSWER, JUST BREATHES DEEPLY)
WALTER
There's something more.
ALVINA
He hates me…
WALTER
Who?
ALVINA
The Interviewer.
WALTER
Oh. Him. He's an oddball.
ALVINA
You can say that again. And he also wants me gone.
WALTER
Gone?! Why?
ALVINA
I don't know. Maybe just because he wasn't the one to suggest they hire me. And now I've gone and invited him and Amelia and Kozlowski for Christmas Day brunch at the office tomorrow, and it's going to be the most awkward Christmas Day ever, and I'm dreading it.
WALTER
And how does dressing up as Wenda tonight improve the situation?
ALVINA
It would be good to be someone else for an evening.
BEAT.
WALTER
I'm thinking I should pay for the outfit. As a present -
ALVINA
No! I said treating you to dinner was a present for me!
WALTER
(OVERLAPPING)
- for me! As a present for me! I've always wanted a Wenda to stroll around with. I insist.
ALVINA
(LAUGHING) Deal.
WALTER
So... Just to be clear... This isn't a...?
ALVINA
No! No no no! Just as friends.
WALTER
That's good. I like friends.
ALVINA
Me too.
BEAT.
WALTER
Merry Christmas!
ALVINA
There it is!
THE AMELIA OFFICES, NEW YEARS EVE.
MUSIC, PARTY ATMOSPHERE.
(AMELIA IS SHITFACED. THE INTERVIEWER AND KOZLOWSKI ARE QUITE TIPSY. ALVINA IS NOT AS DRUNK AS THE REST)
(THE INTERVIEWER WEARS HIS BOW TIE ADORNED WITH LITTLE JINGLE-BELLS MENTIONED BEFORE. THEY JINGLE EVERY TIME HE MOVES)
INTERVIEWER
Where is it?
KOZLOWSKI
Are you looking for the Veuve Clicquot?
interviewer
Yes. Don't say we're out! Oh, it's New Year's Eve, we need a bottle for midnight!
KOZLOWSKI
There is another crate in the kitchen.
interviewer
Thank god!
(THE INTERVIEWER RUSHES OFF TO THE KITCHEN. AMELIA SIDLES UP TO ALVINA)
AMELIA
(DRUNKENLY SLURRING ALL HER LINES)
Alvina!
ALVINA
Yes?
AMELIA
How was your Christmas?
ALVINA
Well, The Diggle Christmas Fete Disappearance went alright, didn't it? It was a shame the pogo sticks froze and wouldn't bounce, but we pulled it off nevertheless!
AMELIA
And we managed to finish the (SHE STRUGGLES WITH THE WORD) Snettisham New Year's Disappearance early enough to have time for this New Year's Party!
ALVINA
We did.
AMELIA
But that's not what I'm asking... How was Alvina's Christmas?
ALVINA
Oh. Eh. Well...
AMELIA
Alvina's very first Christmas...!
ALVINA
We do have Christmas on the Scilly Islands, you know!
AMELIA
Apapapap! You're not Julia whatsherface from the Silly Islands! You are Alvina Wright, and she has only existed since February!
ALVINA
Hah. You're right. This was my very first Christmas...
AMELIA
And was it a good one?
ALVINA
Well, the Christmas Brunch was... well, it was... nice.
AMELIA
Yeah. Did you enjoy your Christmas presents?
ALVINA
I only got the one, but...
AMELIA
Oh, that's right! I don't do presents, and in the end he was too busy to get you one.
ALVINA
But the fountain pen from Kozlowski was very thoughtful! I felt a bit silly, since the box for scalpels I gave him turned out to be too small.
AMELIA
Kozlowski does use some big scalpels... Listen, I am… I wanted to say... Thank you for my Christmas present.
ALVINA
You're welcome.
AMELIA
I'll tell you a secret… come here…
(AMELIA DRAWS ALVINA CLOSE TO WHISPER TO HER)
ALVINA
You're a bit close -
AMELIA
I was a bit blue yesterday, but gobbling a whole ice cream cake all by myself was exactly what I needed!
ALVINA
(STILL UNCOMFORTABLE) Good, I was hoping you'd -
(AMELIA LETS GO)
AMELIA
That's as emotional as I'll get! So don't try anything! No - no - no! Don't try! I'm stone face again now.
(AMELIA WALKS AWAY FROM ALVINA. THE INTERVIEWER COMES RUNNING BACK WITH THE CHAMPAGNE)
interviewer
It's time! Everyone join in! 5 -
EVERYONE
4, 3, 2, 1!
(FIREWORKS ERUPT OUTSIDE)
EVERYONE
Happy New Year!
interviewer
Time to pop the champagne!
AMELIA
Finally!
(THE INTERVIEWER POPS THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE)
ALVINA
You are aware that's the eighth bottle we've opened tonight?
KOZLOWSKI
It is the very first one of 2013.
(THE INTERVIEWER POURS FLUTES FOR EVERYONE)
INTERVIEWER
You can't argue with that!
AMELIA
Let's toast to another great year of dating fakes! Faking dates… Faking dates, that's the one.
(THEY CLINK AND DRINK)
INTERVIEWER
Time for our New Year's tradition!
ALVINA
Uh, yes! For once I've actually been thinking a lot about my New Year's resolution, and I have decided -
AMELIA
Oh, we don't do those.
ALVINA
What?
interviewer
Oh, nono, we decided years ago never to do New Year resolutions again. They are too... fickle.
AMELIA
Hm, more please.
(SHE GETS MORE CHAMPAGNE)
interviewer
I mean… One year I promised to wean myself off Maltesers.
AMELIA
Didn't happen.
interviewer
It got nasty...
KOZLOWSKI
He decided to go cold turkey…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Instead, we have invented our own tradition: Name your favourite disappearance from the year just gone!
AMELIA
Uh, yes!
Interviewer (CON’T)
And 2012 has been a year of particularly (STRUGGLES) flamboyant des- particularly flam- quite fancy disappearances, if I may say so myself, so it should be hard to choose!
KOZLOWSKI
I second that. (KNOWING FULL WELL THE ANSWER) I wonder why this year has seen so many successes, and so few blunders...
AMELIA
Come on then! (SLURRING THE NAME) Kozlowski, you go first!
KOZLOWSKI
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
This year, I especially enjoyed -
INTERVIEWER
(INTERRUPTING) Ha ha ha! Kozlowski! It's last year!
(AMELIA LAUGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
Of course it is! How silly of me.
AMELIA
(AMUSED) You do that every year!
KOZLOWSKI
Last year, I especially enjoyed … the Hammersmith mallet-murder.
AMELIA
Oh, good one, great choice. But I'll do you one better: My 2012-favourite was the East Ham butcher-mauling!
KOZLOWSKI
Ah yes, that was also a very fine fake death.
interviewer
You boring farts! Mallet-murder? Butcher-mauling? Bah!
KOZLOWSKI
So what is your favourite?
AMELIA
Yeah, yeah, aha?? What trumps a butcher being eaten alive by hogs or an upholsterer pummeled to death with his own tool?
interviewer
The Shepherd's Bush Shepherd's Pie Eating Contest Shepherd's Pie Battle!
BEAT.
AMELIA
That's your favourite?
interviewer
Yes!
AMELIA
Why?!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS)
Because it's so fun to say!
(TO HIMSELF, FOR FUN, MESSING UP MORE AND MORE THE MORE HE SAYS)
The Shepherd's Bush Shepherd's Pie Eating Contest Shepherd's Pie Battle!
The Shepherd's Bush Shepherd's Pie Eating Contest Shepherd's Pie Battle!
AMELIA
(OVERLAPPING) What's your favourite, Alvina?
ALVINA
I didn't know this was a thing, so I haven't thought about it -
KOZLOWSKI
It is alright if you want to pass. It is your first year, and we did not tell you about the tradition.
ALVINA
But now I am thinking about it, and it's an easy choice.
AMELIA
Is it?
ALVINA
Absolutely.
BEAT.
The Samson Island Quicklime Quick-fix.
KOZLOWSKI
The Samson Island Quicklime Quick-fix...
AMELIA
Your own fake death.
ALVINA
Yeah.
AMELIA
That's really... That's very... I mean, that's... I would say that's…
(MAYBE GETTING EMOTIONAL? BEFORE:)
(GENUINE) I really need to pee.
(AMELIA HEADS OFF)
INTERVIEWER
That reminds me! Alumni, listen!
ALVINA
It's Alvina, but... yes?
interviewer
I never gave you a Christmas present.
ALVINA
I know. You said you gave up.
interviewer
Nonono, I said I had too much to think about.
ALVINA
Sure.
interviewer
But then, you see, I was wearing the Malteser-patterned bow tie you got me...
KOZLOWSKI
A very attentive Christmas Present indeed.
Interviewer (CON’Z)
...and it is so chic! - and I finally made up my mind. So, well, I have one now.
ALVINA
What, a present?
interviewer
For you, yes. (CHUCKLES TO HIMSELF) Watch this!
ALVINA
Watch what?
(THE INTERVIEWER RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS)
ALVINA
Where are you going?
to Kozlowski
Where is he going?
KOZLOWSKI
Downstairs.
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTING FROM DOWNSTAIRS) Look out the window!
KOZLOWSKI
I guess we better move to the window.
ALVINA
I'm a bit nervous.
(THEY MOVE TO THE WINDOW AND OPEN IT)
ALVINA
Can you see anything special?
KOZLOWSKI
The back alley looks as dark and unassuming as always.
ALVINA
The only difference is a thick blanket of snow.
BEAT.
(WE HEAR THE VERY FAINT SOUND OF SOMEONE UNZIPPING THEIR TROUSERS AND PEEING INTO THE SNOW)
ALVINA
What's he doing?
KOZLOWSKI
It would appear... that he is relieving himself.
ALVINA
His Christmas present for me is pissing in the snow.
KOZLOWSKI
And getting you to watch.
ALVINA
That is...
(A WRY CHUCKLE) …just infantile! I was going to say cruel, but it's simply imbecilic. I don't know if I can even find it hurtful!
KOZLOWSKI
You should not judge him too quickly.
ALVINA
I haven't! I gave him from the moment I started working here until today, that's eleven months! There's no point! He's been distant and callous from day one. I might as well give up.
KOZLOWSKI
I would give him just one more minute.
ALVINA
Why?
(BELOW, THE INTERVIEWER ZIPS HIS TROUSERS)
INTERVIEWER
(shouts up) I'm done! Kozlowski! I’m done! Are you ready?
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTS DOWN) I am ready!
ALVINA
(SHOUTS) Wait! Before you do something even worse to top off this asinine prank, I have something to say!
interviewer
No, no, I -
ALVINA
It's really dark. Can we turn on the outside lights?
KOZLOWSKI
Not yet -
ALVINA
I want to see his face!
KOZLOWSKI
It will have to wait.
ALVINA
I like to see the face of the person I'm talking to!
KOZLOWSKI
He is lit up by the occasional firework.
ALVINA
(A RUEFUL LAUGH) Great. Hiding in the dark like a coward.
(TO THE INTERVIEWER AGAIN)
Just listen to me!
INTERVIEWER
Right… uhm… yes?
ALVINA
You and I will never get along. We will never like each other. We will never appreciate each other's company. But I am not going anywhere!
(THE INTERVIEWER TRIES TO INTERRUPT BUT ALVINA DOES NOT LET HIM)
You are stuck with me, and I am stuck with you!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, right, uhm-
ALVINA
This is our lives now! Maybe we can't enjoy it - but let's at least agree to not make it worse!
INTERVIEWER
I’m done!
ALVINA
I want a truce! Let's fake deaths together, and behave amicably. If not for any other reason, then simply for the sake of decency.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Good, right, yes. Listen Alvina. I know this isn't much of a Christmas present, I know, but I am embarrassed, okay?
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) As you should be!
interviewer
What? Oh, nono, not for the present. Look. you'll understand in a moment. I have to scuttle away in the dark now, because... it's easier for me this way. But, uhm, come tomorrow, I suggest we don't talk about it.
ALVINA
Talk about what?
interviewer
Kozlowski! I'm going now! Todeloo! And happy new year and all that! See you tomorrow!
KOZLOWSKI
(SHOUTS) Good night!
(THE INTERVIEWER LEAVES)
ALVINA
(OFFENDED) Did he just leave!?
KOZLOWSKI
Now I can turn on the outside lights.
(KOZLOWSKI TURNS ON THE FLOODLIGHTS IN THE BACK ALLEY)
BEAT.
ALVINA
Uh... Why? He's gone.
KOZLOWSKI
Look.
ALVINA
He peed in the snow. I already know that.
KOZLOWSKI
So he did.
ALVINA
I can't believe he made me watch him take a leak!
KOZLOWSKI
Look closer.
ALVINA
At what?
KOZLOWSKI
The snow.
(A LONG PAUSE)
ALVINA
Is it... words?
KOZLOWSKI
In 1992 he won the Pisshill Snow-Pissing Championships writing not one, but two of Shakespeare's sonnets after drinking only four pints of lager.
ALVINA
(READS - INTERPRETING WITH SOME DIFFICULTY)
"Dear Alvina,
I have treated you badly and for that, I am sorry. I do … appreciate your … presence, your work … and that you bring me…
(STRUGGLING TO READ THE NEXT WORD)
...cocoa." Huh. Of course.
"But more still, that you have reawakened the Christmas spirit in me!"
(TO KOZLOWSKI)
I have reawakened his Christmas spirit?
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHING) I have not seen him this excited about Christmas since he was offered a bit-part in Scrooged.
ALVINA
Huh... He was in Scrooged?
KOZLOWSKI
As The Ghost of Christmas Future Perfect Progressive. That part was cut, but he would have been fabulous. Keep reading.
ALVINA
(KEEPS READING)
"You are a great addition to the team, but where admiration walks, jealousy soon follows. I have fallen … prey to that vice, and I regret it. From now on I will put my … childishness aside and treat you better.
Yours - with the hope of a fairer future - me."
(TOUCHED)
Huh. He has even added little pee-commas and full stops.
It is written in urine, but it is sort of... sweet.
BEAT.
Though he could have just written a note.
KOZLOWSKI
In 1993 he came second in the Cockermouth International Snow-Peeing Contest, losing to a Swede with a very well trained prostate. The swede wrote fourteen pages from the latest Clas-Ohlson catalogue. Our friend wrote Napoleon Bonaparte's love letter to Joséphine de Beauharnais. He felt overlooked. Commerce had been chosen over art.
(ALVINA CHUCKLES, SHAKES HER HEAD)
KOZLOWSKI
In 1994 he refused to enter the Penistone Snow-Peeing Show-Off. No matter how much they begged him, he turned them down. He declared that he would no longer use his skills for cheap entertainment. He would never piss in the snow again...
...unless it really, really mattered.
If you are ever in doubt if he is genuine or not, just come to me.
BEAT.
ALVINA
(WITH A SMILE) And will you give me a straight answer?
KOZLOWSKI
I prefer stories.
ALVINA
(FEELING CONTENT)
Of course you do.
THEME TUNE AND CREDITS.
Alvina’s First Christmas was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne and sound design by Adam Raymonda.
It featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Tomi Zandshtein as Walter and Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski.
Graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
We hope you enjoyed the episode and thank you from the bottom of our hearts for supporting the show!