PROLOGUE: A GROWTH INDUSTRY
PIP
Hello dear Amelia listeners and welcome to our new bonus series, Amelia’s Appraisals!
We’re so excited to be back after our hiatus, and it’s going to be a very busy summer! In addition to regular releases of Amelia’s Appraisals and our companion chat podcast One More Cocoa, which you can find on all podcast players, we’ve got three live shows coming up, this August, in London! It’s going to be so much fun, we’d love to meet you, and if you come in cosplay, we’ll even present you with a certificate of fake death! You can get your tickets at ameliapodcast.com.
Today’s episode is dedicated to Rocky, who will fall out of the Statue of Liberty’s torch, and come back as a travelling sales person specialising in ocarinas.
Enjoy the episode!
INTRO
Amelia’s Appraisals – an Amelia Project series created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Ulsberg Brager, with music by Fredrik Baden. Sound design by Paul Kraner. Brought to you by HR Agent.
Prologue: A Growth Industry
THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE - THE INTERVIEWER AND AMELIA.
THE INTERVIEWER AND AMELIA SITTING ON OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE DESK.
AMELIA
(READING FROM A LETTER)
"...Together let us bring the Death Faking industry into the twenty first century. Yours in plausible deniability, Khalim Faridi, President of the International Death Fakers Union.
PS: Sample Form of Falsified Fatality enclosed. Going forward, please submit an FFF within 48 hours of each disappearance.
PPS: Shred this letter after reading. Then shred the shredder. Then shred the remains of the shredder that shredded the shredder"
(AMELIA FOLDS THE LETTER AND PLACES IT ON HER DESK)
So. What do you think?
INTERVIEWER
(SIPS COCOA) I think it's another union president who's about to find out that death faking can't be regulated.
AMELIA
He's got some interesting ideas though...
INTERVIEWER
Oh, come on...
AMELIA (CON’T)
I mean, the Cold Storage Reciprocity Scheme could be a real game changer.
INTERVIEWER
What's that again?
(AMELIA PICKS UP THE LETTER AND FINDS THE RELEVANT PARAGRAPH. INTERVIEWER MAKES SOFT SOUNDS OF SURPRISE THROUGHOUT)
AMELIA
Ah, let’s see: "In order to facilitate cross-border collaboration and ensure consistent standards of decoy cadaver preservation, all member agencies will have access to the Cold Storage Reciprocity Scheme. Under this arrangement, all accredited agencies agree to make their refrigerated facilities available to fellow members on a temporary, mutually beneficial basis. Participating mortuaries and freezers are at your disposal, no questions asked. Temperature standards and labeling protocols must be adhered to at all times."
INTERVIEWER
Alright, alright alright, but what about that form thingy?
AMELIA
The FFF? We have to submit one for each disappearance. But that should be easy, right? I mean Alvina documents every disappearance anyway, so it's just a question of -
INTERVIEWER
Yes yes yes... But why do they want all that information?
AMELIA
It's for a new "Global Registry of New Identities". Here...
(INTERVIEWER MUTTERS SOMETHING UNDER HIS BREATH AS SHE FINDS THE RELEVANT PASSAGE IN THE LETTER AND READS)
"The Global Registry of New Identities will ensure smooth, confusion-free disappearances across the international death-faking community. By logging each newly minted alias into a centralised, Union-approved database, agencies can avoid duplication and accidental identity overlaps."
INTERVIEWER
Ugh, this letter is turning my cocoa... (PROTESTS) I don't like the idea of handing sensitive information to the Union...
AMELIA
Well, if we want to stay a member, we don't really have a choice.
INTERVIEWER
We don't need them! Do we?! We were doing this long before death faking became fashionable.
AMELIA
Yes, we have a long history and a solid reputation.
INTERVIEWER
Exactly.
AMELIA
But that also means sometimes we might be... a bit stuck in our ways.
INTERVIEWER
(SPLUTTERS) What do you mean?
AMELIA
Well look at this place.
INTERVIEWER
Yes? What about it?
AMELIA
You don't think it could do with a spruce?
INTERVIEWER
A spruce? No, I do not!
AMELIA
What would you say is the vibe.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, I’m sorry, the what, the vibe?!
AMELIA
The atmosphere.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, okay, yes, the atmosphere. It's cosy. I like it.
AMELIA
There's a sarcophagus in the corner and a skull on your desk.
INTERVIEWER
There is yes.
AMELIA
That's not cosy, that's creepy.
INTERVIEWER
The sarcophagus was a gift from Pharaoh Neferramun, and the skull is Carl.
AMELIA
Carl?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, good lord. Carl Granton.
(CONFUSED AMELIA SOUNDS)
(WHISPERS) 221b Baker Street.
AMELIA
Oh, you mean -
INTERVIEWER
Shh! Alvina might be listening!
AMELIA
She's in her office!
INTERVIEWER
I bet she’s not, she often listens at the door.
AMELIA
Huh. Carl Granton... 221b... Now I understand why the skull has a pipe between its teeth... What about the coffin?
INTERVIEWER
I take coffin naps between interviews. Keeps me sharp.
AMELIA
Well, I just think we could give the place a more modern feel.
INTERVIEWER
Modern feel?! We're the best in the business. The oldest in the business. We don't have to pander to modernity.
AMELIA
But the new president is right.
INTERVIEWER
No he’s not!
(PICKS UP THE LETTER AGAIN AND READS)
AMELIA
Yes, hold on, let me find it. Ah. "In this fast-moving, digital world, disappearing convincingly is a growth industry."
INTERVIEWER
Digital world? What does that eve mean?
AMELIA
It means that now that everyone's being tracked by fifteen different apps, our services are... well they're basically essential!
INTERVIEWER
Tracked by... what? Apps?
AMELIA
I'd go as far as to say that faking your death, it's... well, it's self-care! Isn't it?
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS) Self-care?
AMELIA
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it sounds like you want to turn us into a spa.
AMELIA
Ooh, that's an interesting idea...
AMELIA gets up and starts pacing.
INTERVIEWER
What? It's a terrible idea!
AMELIA
"The Amelia Project offers the ultimate detox from your life."
INTERVIEWER
No it doesn’t!
AMELIA
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY SPITBALLING)
We cleanse your pores and scrub your digital footprint...
INTERVIEWER
I don’t even know what that means! Stop it!
AMELIA
Let us gently delete your social media accounts as you relax under a warm towel...
INTERVIEWER
Amelia! I’m being serious now, stop!
AMELIA (CON’T)
We could get a few more of these...
INTERVIEWER
Hey, careful! That sarcophagus is over 3000 years old!
AMELIA (AT THE SAME TIME)
(SHE KNOCKS ON THE SARCOPHAGUS, AS SHE SPEAKS, THE INTERVIEWER TRIES TO PROTEST. NOPE, DOESN’T WORK) Uh! You could teach clients how to coffin nap.
The coffin's enclosed space creates a cocoon of stillness, blocking out external stimuli and encouraging deep, uninterrupted rest. As you lie there, swaddled in layers of cool bandages, a friendly staff member quietly shreds your passport...
INTERVIEWER
I would hardly call Salvatore friendly.
AMELIA (CON’T)
Wake up with a sense of profound calm, existential clarity, and better posture than before.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes. Well, it's true that coffins encourage a perfectly neutral lying position, supporting the spine and reducing tension -
AMELIA
Congratulations! You have shed your old identity like dead skin cells!
INTERVIEWER
But we're not turning The Amelia Project into a spa!
AMELIA
Unplug. Unwind. Unexist.
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, am I talking to myself here?
AMELIA
You suggested it.
INTERVIEWER
What!? I was joking! It was a joke, you know? Like HAHA!?
AMELIA
I was joking too.
INTERVIEWER
What! Oh! Thank goodness for that. You had me fooled there for a second, had me smelling the incense...
(THEY BOTH LAUGH)
AMELIA
I’m very relaxed now, though.
(DEEP BREATH)
But I'm serious about making some changes. And we'll start with the waiting room. Do you know how many clients open the door, take one look at the mismatched chairs, the stuffed raven, and the ouija board, and walk straight back out?
INTERVIEWER
I don’t know, two?!
AMELIA
No, like, everyone! They think it's a hoax!
INTERVIEWER
Well, they're obviously not Amelia material. Good riddance I say to that!
AMELIA
And I don't blame them! This place looks like it's the prop room of some amateur dramatic society!
INTERVIEWER
Amateur? Take that back!
AMELIA
Or a novelty store!
(AMELIA STOPS PACING.)
INTERVIEWER
Er, Amelia... don't...
(AMELIA SITS IN AN ARMCHAIR. A HUGE FART. INTERVIEWER IMMEDIATELY STARTS LAUGHING)
AMELIA
(JUMPING BACK UP)
What the - That wasn't - I didn't -
INTERVIEWER
(FAILING TO SUPPRESS HIS GIGGLES)
I'm so sorry Amelia!
AMELIA
You!
INTERVIEWER
Nonono, it wasn’t me, it wasn't me!
AMELIA
A whoopee cushion? Seriously?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. It was Kozlowski!
AMELIA
Liar!
INTERVIEWER
I’m not! Anyway, it wasn't meant for you, it was meant for a... (FLOUNDERS)
AMELIA
Yes? A...?
INTERVIEWER
A... Joey, it was meant for a Joey.
AMELIA
That's where clients sit.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but - Joey sometimes-
AMELIA
It was meant for a client.
INTERVIEWER
It's all part of a -
AMELIA
Don't say test.
INTERVIEWER
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) - test.
(AMELIA GROANS)
INTERVIEWER
(SHEEPISHLY) Sorry. You weren’t supposed to know, in my defense.
AMELIA
We're doing as Mr. Faridi says. We're bringing this place into the 21st century, like it or not.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t.
AMELIA (CON’T)
And I'm not just talking about interior design.
(INTERVIEWER SIGHS)
As of tomorrow we commit to:
(SHAKES THE LETTER AND READS, CLEARS THROAT, IGNORES GROANING INTERVIEWER)
"Weekly disappearance metrics broken down by demographic, workplace risk assessments including coffin lids, trapdoors, and dramatic smoke effects, a full disguise inventory, coffin capacity reports including weight limits and spring-loaded false bottoms, identity recycling declarations confirming no identities have been reused - "
INTERVIEWER
Ha! The Incognito Project will struggle with that! They’ve been running the same 3 disguises on rotation for the past decade! Hat, no hat, and hat with sunglasses. It’s pathetic.
AMELIA
Exactly! The new measures will separate the wheat from the chaff, so hucksters like Matheo -
INTERVIEWER
Naked Mole Rat!
AMELIA
Don't sully the reputation of the entire industry!
INTERVIEWER
Isn't that what the competition is for?
AMELIA
Yes, but that's only every fifty years.
INTERVIEWER
I suppose...
AMELIA
Also, as per the new guidelines, we must conduct regular staff appraisals.
INTERVIEWER
Regular??
AMELIA
We can get started on that first thing tomorrow morning.
INTERVIEWER
What the devil are appraisals?
AMELIA
Like a dental check-up, but for your job. You know, to identify and remove plaque.
INTERVIEWER
I've never been to the dentist.
AMELIA
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Really. They never existed. When I have toothache, I see Kozlowski. You know, he just pops in a new one.
AMELIA
Oh you know, think of it like a post-mortem then. A post-mortem for the living.
INTERVIEWER
Sounds painful.
AMELIA
Doesn't have to be.
INTERVIEWER
Does it involve scalpels?
AMELIA
Only emotional ones.
INTERVIEWER
Right, ok, yes fine... In my office then? Tomorrow at ten?
AMELIA
Sure! I'll go inform the others.
INTERVIEWER
Oh goody...
AMELIA
See you tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
See you then!
(AMELIA LEAVES)
(THE INTERVIEWER ALONE. MUTTERS TO HIMSELF, THEN DIALS ON THE ROTARY PHONE)
INTERVIEWER
(LEAVING A MESSAGE) Hello Alvina. Just to warn you, Amelia’s going through one of her "we have to change everything" phases. Although this time it's being egged on by that blasted Union. This new president, Khalim Faridi, is a real pain in the bahookie. Let's hope he fakes his own death soon, like his predecessor. Anyway, Amelia was on the verge of turning us into a spa. Can you imagine! Eucalyptus stink everywhere... A looping track of pan flutes, wind chimes, and ambient whale sighs... Oh, I'd look ghastly in one of those linen robes. Like an undercooked bread roll. Ew! Nobody wants to see that, not even me! Anyway, yours truly talked her out of it. You're very welcome.
(GROANS) Although we are conducting appeasals tomorrow, for the whole staff. If Amelia remembers. Hopefully she'll forget and we can focus on more important things. Ooh... speaking of important things... scrabble tonight?
END OF EPISODE.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions. This episode featured: Alan Burgon as the Interviewer and Julia Morizawa as Amelia
It was written and directed by Philip Thorne and directed and dialogue edited by Øystein Ulsberg Brager.
Sound design was by Paul Kraner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
The Executive Producer was Emelda Bates, whose death will be faked by a freak albatross mauling. In her new life, she’ll get an office job at the International Death Faker’s Union. AMELIA’s Appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com
We could also not make this show without our magnanimous Patreon supporters, if you’re curious, head over to patreon.com/ameliapodcast, where you can find all sort of bonus content, a community chat and regular updates. You can even just tip in your toe as a free member, and if you like what you see, become a subscriber for 5 dollars a month for early ad free access to all episodes, full length films of our live shows, and so much more.
Our super patrons at the time of recording are:
Michayla Sullivan, Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Tibbi, Courtney Mays Rensen, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timotheus, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada, Maks Jaromin, DJ Goodall, Captaincache, Nitali Arora, Sunny D Anomaly, Rocky, Merlock20, PostmasterGeneralKwanSentMe, Cheryl Downey-Eber, Nina Korzeniewski, Eli, James McGinley, Katherine Joiner, Selwyn Justice, jchooey,
Thank you all so much.
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We’ll be back next week, with the next episode. Toodle-oo.