ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL 1
(METRO SOUNDS)
PIP
Hello and welcome to the first of two bonus episodes that we're releasing to celebrate the Amelia Project five year anniversary. You can hear that I’m not in the soundproofed blanket fort under which I normally record these intros, today I’m on the Paris metro. And the reason for that - well, five years ago, this was where I spent the majority of my time - or at least, that’s how it felt. You see, I’d come to Paris for love, hardly spoke any French yet, and the only job I could get was as a teacher of English business, which might sound quite fancy, but let me assure you, it wasn’t. I was on a zero-hours contract paid minimum wage, and spent most of my time on the metro, zig-zagging across the city from one board-accountant or IT-consultant needing to learn English to the next. On these many underground journeys, I found myself wondering how I ended up in this country, in this city, in this job that I hated, when all my life, what I really wanted to do was to tell stories and make life better. I started wondering about all the different decisions in my life, the things that maybe I would do differently if I could start over, would I want to start over, given the chance? What would that entail? What if a company existed that offered such a service? (FRENCH IN THE BACKGROUND) Oh, I need to get out now, to change metroes, one moment.
(PAUSE)
So, I’m on my way to Saint Germain De Praias, which is one of the places where I used to teach, in an office, just opposite, a cafe, called Les Deux Magots. But I’ll continue the story from Les Deux Magots, the next time. For now, we’ve got an anniversary episode for you. We gave our actors free reign to take over the podcast for an episode, so everything you hear is created by Julia Morizawa and Alan Burgon. Ejoy!
JULIA MORIZAWA
(CLICK OF HITTING RECORD ON A 1999 ANSWERING MACHINE)
Hi, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. I… probably should plan what I’m going to say before I hit record. OK, let’s try this again.
(CLICK)
Wait, is it still recording? Hello? Please stop.
(CLICK CLICK CLICK)
Stupid piece of…
(BEEP)
(CLICK)
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hi, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. The fact that you have this number means you know who we are and what we do. If you’re interested, we’re interested. Assuming we like your story. Please leave a message after the beep.
(CLICK)
OK… let’s listen back… Wait, oh my god, are you still recording again? You gotta be kidding me. Why is this so difficult?
(CLICK CLICK CLICK)
OK, honestly, isn’t there a way I can edit this so I don’t have to like, start over? For fuck’s sake.
(BEEP)
(CLICK)
(AMELIA-INTRO SLOWLY STARTING UP)
You’ve reached The Amelia Project. If you have this number, you know who we are and what we do. We want to give you a new life. Assuming we like your story. Please leave a message after the beep.
(BEEP)
(AMELIA THEME)
ANNIVERSARY SPECIAL 1 - ALAN MEETS THE INTERVIEWER
(THE INTERVIEWER IS AT THE DOOR SAYING GOODBYE TO A CLIENT)
THE INTERVIEWER
Thank you so much for coming in, Janet, your story was absolutely riveting! I look forward to your disappearance. Toodeloo!
(HE CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS BACK INTO THE ROOM)
THE INTERVIEWER
(TO HIMSELF)
Oh, what a day. Not everyday you meet a real life...
(NOTICES ALAN)
Holy shit!! Who are you? How did you get in here?
(ALAN IS SITTING WITH HIS BACK TO THE INTERVIEWER, NOT REALIZING THAT HE IS BEING SPOKEN TO DIRECTLY. HE CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER
Are those headphones? Is that a microphone? Are you recording this?
ALAN
Wait. Are you... talking to me?
THE INTERVIEWER
Have you been sitting there all this time?
ALAN
You can see me?
THE INTERVIEWER
These interviews are private, you know. Nobody is allowed to record these sessions, apart from Amelia employees.
ALAN
What is this? What’s going on!
THE INTERVIEWER
Turn around so I can see your face.
ALAN
Turn around? Why would I-
(NOISE OF THE CHAIR SWIVELING)
Holy shit! You’re you! I mean you’re here. Real. You’re real!
THE INTERVIEWER
What are you talking about? Of course I’m real.
ALAN
(COUGHS) Right... okay.
THE INTERVIEWER
And… turn that thing off!
ALAN
Turn what off? The microphone?
THE INTERVIEWER
No the lamp to your left,
ALAN
Lamp…
INTERVIEWERIt’s a little bright in here and I’d prefer to set the mood a little differently. Of course the microphone! You nincompoop! Turn it off.
ALAN
Yeah... yeah okay... sure.
(CLICK OF THE MICROPHONE BEING TURNED OFF)
THE INTERVIEWER
Now, who are you and what are you doing in my office?
(ALAN RESPONDS, BUT THE INTERVIEWER CANNOT HEAR HIM. SILENCE)
THE INTERVIEWER
What? Speak up I can’t hear you.
(SILENCE)
Are you trying to be funny?
(SILENCE)
Look, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I suggest you stop mouthing words at me and speak up.
(SILENCE)
Hmmm. Turn your microphone back on.
(THE MICROPHONE CLICKS BACK ON)
Now say something.
ALAN
Eh... something?
INTERVIEWER
Interesting…
ALAN
Ah… This is nuts.
THE INTERVIEWER
Just to be certain, I’d like to perform a little experiment, if you don’t mind.
ALAN
Eh, no, no, go ahead.
THE INTERVIEWER
Read this for me would you?
(THE INTERVIEWER HANDS ALAN A BOOK FROM HIS DESK)
ALAN
Albert Camus?
THE INTERVIEWER
Just start anywhere and don’t stop reading until I say stop.
ALAN
Well, I mean, I don’t really speak French, but I can try.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? You don’t?
ALAN
I used to, a little, and I dip into it from time to time but...
THE INTERVIEWER
Alright, never mind. Oh, uhm. Here take this, John Locke. Just open it at any page and begin reading.
ALAN
Okay…
(FLICKS THROUGH THE PAGES OF AN ESSAY CONCERNING HUMAN UNDERSTANDING BY JOHN LOCKE, AND LANDS ON CHAPTER VIII.—SOME FURTHER CONSIDERATIONS CONCERNING OUR SIMPLE IDEAS OF SENSATION. OUR IDEAS AND THE QUALITIES OF BODIES)
THE INTERVIEWER
Uhm, do you mind if I?
ALAN
Hm? No, be my guest
(AS ALAN READS, THE INTERVIEWER CLICKS THE MICROPHONE ON AND OFF)
ALAN (CONT.)
Whatsoever the mind perceives in itself
(CLICK)
thought, or
understanding,
(CLICK)
and the power to produce any idea in our mind I call...
THE INTERVIEWER
Thank you. That’s enough.
(THE SOUND OF THE BOOK CLOSING AND BEING PLACED ON THE TABLE)
THE INTERVIEWER (CONT.)
Most peculiar.
ALAN
Yeah… You can say that again.
THE INTERVIEWER
Who Are you?
ALAN
You don’t know?
INTERVIEWER
Should I?
ALAN
Erm, I dunno, Maybe not. I- I don’t know how this works.
THE INTERVIEWER
How what works?
ALAN
This. Being here with you. I mean…
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh that! It’s quite simple really. You tell me your story, and I decide...
ALAN
I’m not a client.
INTERVIEWER
You’re not?
ALAN
No!
INTERVIEWER
Well who are you then?
ALAN
Woah... what is going on here! (SIGHS) I must be overworked. I’m exhausted, that’s it! I just need to get some sleep.
THE INTERVIEWER
You’ve been having difficulties sleeping?
ALAN
No, no difficulties. I just don’t get enough of it.
THE INTERVIEWER
Have you tried power napping? I swear by it!
ALAN
Power Napping? I Yeah, I’ve tried, but I find it easier to work through and wait until night time to sleep.
THE INTERVIEWER
A bit of a workhorse are you.
ALAN
Uhm… yeah. Sometimes. It depends on what I have on.
THE INTERVIEWER
You like to keep busy?
ALAN
Yeah, actually I do. Uhm. I mean sometimes I feel like I’m chasing my tail a little, but I prefer to be busy, yeah. I’m not fun to be around when I’m bored, truth be told.
THE INTERVIEWER
I know exactly what you mean. Boredom is the root of evil, do you know who said that? Kierkegaard.
ALAN (OVERLAPPING THE FIRST WORD)
Kierkegaard. I know. Yeah.
THE INTERVIEWER
You’re familiar with the writings of Kierkegaard?
ALAN
A little…
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Are you alright? You’re looking at me rather funny.
ALAN
Sorry. It’s just… This has to be a dream.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
ALAN
What’s the other explanation?
INTERVIEWER
For what?
ALAN
For this. You. This conversation.
THE INTERVIEWER
You don’t think you should be here?
ALAN
Well, no. I mean, I mean, I should definitely be here. If you’re here, I’m here. I mean, obviously.
THE INTERVIEWER
Okay... and yet being here is causing you noticeable distress.
ALAN
Yeah - talking to you is causing me considerable distress.
THE INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry, but didn’t you come to see me?
ALAN
Yeah, I guess. But I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. A mistake.
THE INTERVIEWER
If you believe in that kind of thing.
ALAN
What? Mistakes?
THE INTERVIEWER
Listen. Do you know why people come to my office?
ALAN
Yes, I do.
INTERVIEWER
Uh! Then, you obviously have a story to tell, otherwise you wouldn’t be here, would you?
(PAUSE)
ALAN
So?
INTERVIEWER
Look, you’re here now, so...
(A SHORT PAUSE)
Tell me your story.
ALAN
Oh come on, this is ridiculous!
THE INTERVIEWER
What is?
ALAN
This can’t be happening! Did Pip and Øystein write this?
INTERVIEWER
Who?
ALAN
Never mind.
INTERVIEWER
You know, sooner or later you’re going to have to tell me who you are.
ALAN
Really? Why?
INTERVIEWER
Well… I’m not entirely sure. It’s difficult to put my finger on, but something about you is more than vaguely familiar.
ALAN
(CHUCKLES) You don’t say!
THE INTERVIEWER
Something in your mannerisms... the tone of your voice.
ALAN
Uh-Uh…
INTERVIEWER
Are you an actor? I swear I’ve seen you somewhere before.
ALAN
(CHUCKLES) Oh god… Yeah... I’m an actor!
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh I knew I’d seen your face before! Or heard your voice at least.
(ALAN SIGHS)
I mean it’s still a little fuzzy but yes, I know you from somewhere. What did you say your name was?
ALAN
Alan
INTERVIEWER
Alan What?
ALAN
Burgon.
THE INTERVIEWER
Nope... not ringing any bells. Have you played at the national?
ALAN
Nope... unfortunately.
THE INTERVIEWER
The old Vic? Young Vic?
ALAN
I’m afraid not.
THE INTERVIEWER
But you’ve played somewhere in London?
ALAN
I’ve played in the Barbican.
THE INTERVIEWER
Really? What show?
ALAN
It was a production of Peer Gynt.
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh! Ibsen! I love Ibsen!
ALAN
Yeah, me too…
INTERVIEWER
Were you Peer?
ALAN
No, I was in the ensemble playing multiple parts. It was a brilliant production though. A co-production between the Dundee Rep Theatre and the National Theatre of Scotland.
INTERVIEWER
What year?
ALAN
Whew… Erm... That would have been 2009, I think.
INTERVIEWER
Nope, I didn’t see that one. What else do you do?
ALAN
I do film, I’ve done a bit of television, I ran a theatre company in Vienna with some friends...
THE INTERVIEWER
I don’t watch much film or television, and the last time I was in Vienna, I don’t think you would have been around. So it can’t be that. What else do you do?
ALAN
Podcasts?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! That must be it!! Yes, I do listen to the odd podcast now and then. I find them wonderful for elevating boredom.
ALAN
That they are.
THE INTERVIEWER
So what podcasts do you do?
ALAN
Oh erm, well I’m Lockie on The Secret of St. Kilda...
THE INTERVIEWER
Don’t know that one.
ALAN
It’s good, you should check it out.
THE INTERVIEWER
Alright, I will. What else?
ALAN
Then there’s the podcast that brought me into the world of podcasting in the first place.
INTERVIEWER
Oh?
ALAN
Yeah. It’s our five year anniversary actually.
THE INTERVIEWER
Congratulations.
ALAN
Thank you
THE INTERVIEWER
Has it been successful?
ALAN
Hugely successful! I mean, in my opinion anyway. I never thought when we first started doing it that it would grow into what it has done.
THE INTERVIEWER
So it’s been well received.
ALAN
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
And to what do you owe its success?
ALAN
Wow... erm... great writing, great team... everything really. I mean, it’s just so much fun to do, and I think that everyone working on it really loves it and has fun doing it. I suppose anything that you pour yourself into completely is going to become successful.
THE INTERVIEWER
I couldn’t agree more. And you mentioned the writing. Do you write it yourself?
ALAN
No. I mean I’ve written one or two small bits of bonus material, but I’m not one of the writers. Philip and Øystein do that.
THE INTERVIEWER
Philip? Pip? Is that the same two you mentioned earlier?
ALAN
Erm... did I? I’m not sure...
THE INTERVIEWER
Hmmm... so... tell me about your role in this podcast. Who do you play?
ALAN
Well, I play the uh... well he’s a... (SOUNDING A LOT LIKE THE INTERVIEWER FOR A SECOND) he’s a collector...
INTERVIEWER
Of what?
ALAN
Of stories.
INTERVIEWER
I see.
(THE INTERVIEWER IS BEGINNING TO PIECE THE PARTS OF THE PUZZLE TOGETHER, BUT DOES NOT HAVE A CLEAR ENOUGH PICTURE IN HIS HEAD YET)
THE INTERVIEWER (CONT)
And you enjoy playing this character?
ALAN
Ah, I love it. He really is a wonderful character to play.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? How so?
ALAN
Well, first of all, the simple act of playing the same character for five years means that I’ve got to know him so well. I “put him on” so to speak almost every day, so he’s always with me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Hm. Must be nice.
ALAN
It is.
INTERVIEWER
And how has your relationship grown over the last five years?
ALAN
With the in... with the character?
THE INTERVIEWER
With the character, yes.
ALAN
Wow... erm... well he’s really become a part of me. I mean I remember at the beginning, we didn’t really know what he should sound like, so we tested out a bunch of different voices and characters. But if I’m being honest, I kind of had his voice in my head from the moment I read the first episode. The trying out was more to... well... try things out really. But that voice I had in my head ended up being the one we all went for. Kind of like he chose his own voice really. But I find that a lot with characters, to be honest, that the voice kind of comes up off the page.
THE INTERVIEWER
Handy skill to have as an actor.
ALAN
Yeah! I guess it is.
THE INTERVIEWER
And did his voice change over the years?
ALAN
Oh yeah! I actually wish sometimes that I could go back and redo his voice in some of the earlier episodes. You know, when I listen to them back, it’s still him, but compared to the range he has now... he’s definitely evolved from those first episodes.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well it’s only natural I suppose. So you knew from the first episode that you wanted to play him?
ALAN
I remember being given the first three episodes to read, and, you know, I’m usually quite a reserved reader, but by about page three I was
(LAUGHING OUT LOUD)
THE INTERVIEWER
Oh? It’s a comedy?
ALAN
Well season one was definitely a comedy. And comedy is still a huge part of the show, but we’ve also delved into some more gritty stuff, some more serious stuff, and some of it has been really tender and sentimental, but in a good way.
THE INTERVIEWER
And the character you play? Is he funny?
ALAN
Ach! He’s hilarious. And I mean that objectively. I found him hilarious from page one of the first episode.
THE INTERVIEWER
And he still makes you laugh.
ALAN
Yeah, all the time!
THE INTERVIEWER
Is he a- is he a ridiculous character?
ALAN
Well... he’s definitely ridiculous, a lot of the time. But he’s also very genuine at times. You know, he knows how to talk to people, and how to get them to open up. You know… He’s the kind of guy you feel you could tell just about anything to and he wouldn’t judge you. And the more I get to know him, the more I fall in love with him. He has a big heart.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, he’s a lucky character, to have an actor portraying him who thinks so highly of him.
ALAN
Yeah, I’m the lucky one. You know, playing him is probably the most rewarding part I’ve ever played.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? How so?
ALAN
To watch the character grow, to delve deeper and deeper into what makes him tick... into his life. His backstory. He truly is a fascinating guy. Not to mention the response from listeners. From listener artwork, to cosplay on TikTok .I mean - It’s unbelievable.
THE INTERVIEWER
Cosplay on TikTok? Is that some kind of game one plays on a timer?
ALAN
(LAUGHS) Haha! No, no it’s not. But I love where your brain goes.
INTERVIEWER
You do?
ALAN
Yes. Uh, no, Tik Tok is a social media platform.
INTERVIEWER
A what?
ALAN
(CHUCKLES) Something on the Googly.
THE INTERVIEWER
(YAWNS) Oh I see. Yes I see… The world moves so fast nowadays. Give me a mug of cocoa and a good book any day.
ALAN
It’s an inspiring image.
INTERVIEWER
What is?
ALAN
You. Sitting with a mug of cocoa and a good book.
INTERVIEWER
You find?
ALAN
I do. It inspires me.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, I’m glad.
(PAUSE)
You know….It’s very curious.
ALAN
What is?
INTERVIEWER
You sitting there with headphones on, talking into a microphone.
ALAN
Oh?
INTERVIEWER
Tell me... do you always talk through a microphone?
ALAN
No.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
You know… Seneca once wrote “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”
(PAUSE)
I think this meeting tonight was extremely lucky.
ALAN
Yeah. I do too.
THE INTERVIEWER
Well, it's a little unorthodox considering we didn’t come up with a new life for you, but somehow this wouldn’t feel right without a glass of Veuve Clicquot.
ALAN
Sounds lovely.
THE INTERVIEWER
Right, well here we go... oh my! I never even offered you any cocoa!
(THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE POPS)
ALAN
That’s okay, at this time of night, a glass of champagne will do nicely.
INTERVIEWER
Here here.
(GLASSES ARE POURED)
THE INTERVIEWER
Will we ever meet like this again?
ALAN
I honestly don’t know.
THE INTERVIEWER
In another five years perhaps?
ALAN
Perhaps.
(PAUSE)
You know, you’re a lot cleverer than you let on.
THE INTERVIEWER
Yes. I am. (WALKS OVER ) Here’s to you.
ALAN
And to you!
(CLINK)
(DRINKING)
(OUTRO MUSIC)
PIP
Stay tuned for the Epilogue, but first, the credits. The voicemail was written and performed by Julia Morizawa. Alan Burgon Meets The Interviewer was written and performed by Alan Burgon. Audio editing by Philip Thorne and Julia Morizawa, Sound Design by Adam Raymonda, Music by Fredrik Baden, Production Assistance by Maty Parzival and Graphic Design by Anders Pedersen. We will be back with another anniversary special next Friday, in the week leading up to that, starting on Monday the 15th of August, it’s CocoaCollabs 2022! CocoaCollabs, now in its second year, is a fan-run online event of Amelia-inspired creativity. You can search for CocoaCollabs on Twitter and Tumblr to find a prompt list. There is a prompt for every day, and you can create art, fanfiction or cosplays for each day - or anything else that pops into your mind. Last year we had origami and a sonnett. If you post your creations on Twitter, Tumblr or Instagram, use the hashtag #cocoacollabs, that’s #cocoacollabs, to browse the art or share something of your own! You can also see most of last years contributions on our webpage! You can go to ameliapodcast.com and then navigate to the fanart page. Our thanks to the Cocoa Coordinators who are running this year’s event. And now, the Epilogue…
EPILOGUE
OYSTEIN
Hi everyone! This is Oystein, Co-Creator of the Amelia Project. Right now, I’m sitting in the sun in a lovely park in the middle of Oslo. There is a water display here, there are people sitting in outdoor cafes, and actually the outdoor cafe right behind me here is actualy where I met Fredrik Baden, our Composer and Sound Director for the very first time, and around the corner is Nitro Studios, where we’ve recorded quite a lot of Cole and Haines’ bits for the Amelia Project and some other stuff. But… Five years ago, I had never been to the building where this studio is, I had never been to this cafe, in fact, I had never ever met Fredrik Baden. I was working as a theatre director and I was struggling to make a name for myself in Norwegian theatre after coming back from directing studies in London and living abroad for a while. I missed my international friends and colleagues, and I especially missed making theatre with my best friend Philip. I tried to organise festivals and events to bring people to Norway, but that takes a lot of time and money and you don’t always get the fun that you want. I needed some other kind of project. At the same time, I had this itch. I’ve always loved writing but… for the last few years before this I focused so much on directing, I’d kind of forgotten about writing and I missed it. Because I don’t just want to tell other people’s stories, I want to tell my own stories! But breaking through as a playwright is perhaps even more difficult than breaking through as a director, because how do you get the stuff you write produced? Then I had this idea. Shortly after finishing Drama School, I had worked on an audio drama production, a horror anthology, which was a lot of fun. What if Pip and I created something for Audio? Was that another way we could collaborate again? I called Pip, right away.
For the continuation of the story, tune in to the second part of our anniversary special, which drops in a week. In the meantime, enjoy the sun, and make yourself an iced cocoa.