EPISODE 9 - APPLESAUCE
PIP7
Hello and welcome to a new instalment of The Alvina Archives. This one wasn’t written by Oystein or myself, but by our wonderful production assistant Maty Parzival. We hope you’ll be hearing more of their work in the future! Maty also runs the Amelia Project Tumblr, and has built a really fun community there, so if you haven’t already, do go check that out, and enjoy this minisode!
(MUSIC)
THE OFFICE, SCRABBLE-EVENING.
ALVINA
...I was so sure he was the right person! I could have sworn he was the one in the photo Gemma showed me! How could I have known he had a brother?!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHTER) What did you do?
ALVINA
Well, turns out I yelled - for half an hour - at the wrong person. He was not Gemma's boyfriend, hardly even knew her! In fact, he was in a happy relationship with his girlfriend and certainly did not plan on cheating on her anytime soon!
(THEY BOTH LAUGH)
ALVINA
It was so embarrassing... I thought I could never go back to school. I could have done with a new face from Kozlowski after that.
INTERVIEWER
But of course you did?
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Go back to school.
ALVINA
Oh yes. It was my only contact with the outside world. I think I would have gone mad as a rabbit with only seagulls as company.
INTERVIEWER
Well you know, maybe it would have been alright if you didn’t throw that applesauce beforehand…
(ANOTHER BOUT OF LAUGHING)
ALVINA
Oh no, if I embarrass myself, let me do it properly! At least that way nobody would mess with me - at least not in the cafeteria. I have good aim!
INTERVIEWER
(SERIOUSLY) I will make very sure to keep that in mind.
ALVINA
Afraid I will throw something at you?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no no… Could be a good way to scare rejects into secrecy… "Don’t tell anyone, or else! Our intern has fantastic aim!" ... I mean secretary! I mean - uh -
ALVINA
(GROANS LOUDLY)
INTERVIEWER
(CLEARS THROAT, SUDDENLY SERIOUS)
Anyway. Since you mentioned Kozlowski…
ALVINA
Yes, I wanted to-
INTERVIEWER
(INTERRUPTING, SINCERE)
Don’t worry about it - he rarely comes out of the basement. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see you, he just probably hasn’t even noticed you yet! He's like that. I know him better than anyone and let me assure you - it’s nothing against you. He's nocturnal, so even our paths rarely cross!
ALVINA
Well, actually…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
I haven’t seen him for a month myself!
ALVINA
(CONFUSED)
...really? I have breakfast with him every morning…
(THE INTERVIEWER LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
…what?
ALVINA
Yes! After you stood me u-
(CLEARS THROAT)
That… one morning when I went for breakfast, he… he heard us talking over the intercom.
(GETTING MORE CONFIDENT)
And as it turns out… he goes to that greasy spoon every morning, right when it opens! Now we meet there, talking about the new face he'll give me, or that identity he lost. He really is quite an interesting personality! I find drinking coffee before bed… Well, I would call it crazy, but then... What do I know? All I got when I googled Silphium was some fancy ancient plant that is believed to be extinct!
You know… He’s really helped me understand all this better - how you work, how the death-faking works, how… Well. How I work, I suppose
Losing an ‘identity’ sounded crazy in the beginning, but the more I think about it, the more… why… Why are you looking at me like that…?
INTERVIEWER
(FLATLY) Every morning?
ALVINA
...yes?
INTERVIEWER
Every single morning?! That - that can’t be true! I don’t see him every morning! I don’t even see him every day! Week! Month! Not these days...
ALVINA
Uh…
INTERVIEWER
Who do you think he is? Some... some random person to have breakfast with?
ALVINA
Well I-.
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski and I helped van Houten build his hydraulic-cocoa-press together! We won an Olympic medal for art!
ALVINA
Okay…
INTERVIEWER
We played piano with Richard Nixon! When using forks was still sacrilege, we sold them! We! We came up with the plan to cryofreeze Walt Disney!
ALVINA
Walt Disney-
INTERVIEWER
The shortest war in history, how long was it?!
ALVINA
…?
INTERVIEWER
38 minutes! Ever carried a pineapple around a whole day? No, well - we did! We worked as knocker-uppers before alarm clocks were even invented! You don’t know him.
ALVINA
I never said-
INTERVIEWER
Every morning?! How- how- how- Every morning?!
(THE INTERVIEWER IS OUT OF BREATH)
ALVINA
I mean, you see me every day? I see Amelia every so oft-
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski doesn’t come out of his basement and Kozlowski doesn’t like company! He prefers being on his own! You can’t have breakfast with him every morning!
ALVINA
(PUZZLED) But… I do?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
He wouldn't tell anyone he drinks coffee before bed! That he drinks coffee at all! How he drinks it! And Silphium? Why would he tell you about that?!
ALVINA
I… I don’t know? He found me, I didn’t find him!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, of course he did!
(ABSOLUTELY HUMOURLESS)
You couldn’t find him if you tried! Nobody knows him better than I do, and you couldn't get anything out of him even if you - if you - even if you.
(TRIES TO FIND SOMETHING, BUT COMES UP EMPTY)
ALVINA
You know what? I think I should just… uh… go. It’s late… I'll just put the scrabble tiles back in the box. A draw ey? We we won one round each! Heh...
(CLEARS HER THROAT)
(ALVINA PACKS UP THE SCRABBLE BOARD)
There is a client, Oskar von Teberstett, tomorrow morning… Not like you would read the case file anyway, but… Interesting day… Should get some sleep before that…
(SHE'S HALFWAY OUT THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
YOU! ALVINA!
ALVINA
(FLINCHES)
...yes?
INTERVIEWER
Next Friday! Villa Bianca, six pm! Don’t be late!
ALVINA
(COMPLETELY CONFUSED)
...okay?
INTERVIEWER
And bring the scrabble board!
END.