ITTHOBAAL’S INVENTIONS – 10: ARCHIMEDIAN MOMENT - FOLLOWING DUDO
Hello dear Amelia listeners, we have a surprise treat for you today, we’re about to play you an episode of our bonus miniseries Itthobaal’s Inventions, which we release every other week, on Patreon and Apple Podcast Subscriptions. It’s a series of journal entries by Kozlowski, always following on from the last regular episode, in which we hear him chronicle his inspirations, regrets, dreams, desires and the many ideas he’s had over the centuries for weird and wonderful inventions. Today’s minisode is called Archimedean Moment. It’s dedicated to Ansley who will be the victim of a blood sucking vampire bat, and who will reappear as the ride operator for the Derailing Ghost Train in Luke Dougal’s Hellpark.
And now, enjoy this bonus minisode.
MUSIC.
ITTHOBAAL'S STUDY
THE SCRATCHING OF A QUILL.
ITTHOBAAL
(EXCITED AND IMPATIENT) Dear manual of mechanics and magic.
It is year 1199 in the Julian calendar, year 5949 in the Assyrian calendar, and today is a Thursday.
I had my own Archimedean moment today! A sudden rush of insight and inspiration - in the bath!
My old friend Archimedes! Ever since you stepped into that tub and saw it overflow, and realised that your body caused the water to spill in equal measure to your size... the world of physics changed forever! And today, I sat in the bath, and I had a similar awakening of the mind! You would have been proud of me, Archimedes!
(COY) Or... you may have laughed. (LAUGHS) I admit, my insight may not entirely equal yours. My name may not end up on the lips of every mathematician in the world like yours. But still - is it not amusing that I too should have an epiphany in the bath?
I was sitting in the tub this morning, and it was a nice and warm bath, so I did not want to get out. Yet I felt a burst coming on. A... well, I might as well say it, doctors should not be ashamed of bodily functions.
A fart. I felt a fart coming on. But instead of getting out of the bath to let it pass into the air, I stayed in the water. I farted under water.
(AMAZED) And the sensation... Well, first of all, it was familiar. I am sure I must have farted in the bath as a child, even if I later learned to direct my flatulation into the toilet. But the fact that it reminded me of childhood filled me with joy.
(EXCITED) The tickling sensation of my wind, as the bubbles caressed my bottom and backside, made me laugh with pleasure! And I believe this pleasure was derived both from the physical sensation and from the long-forgotten memories it awoke. It was as if I could see myself as a little babe laughing up at my mother and see her smiling back down at me!
(PROUDLY) And this gave me an idea: The bubble bath!
(EXPLAINING) I first thought of calling it "the fart bath", but it did not seem too appealing. "The bath of breaking wind" is slightly better, but in the end, I settled on the word "bubble", as it seemed the most wholesome and neutral choice.
(IN AWE) Imagine if you could sit in the bath and be surrounded by delightful bubbles carefully stroking against your skin! And I am not talking about bubbles coming from your own backside, no, I am talking about a bath where the bubbles come from all over! It would make bathing even more enjoyable! The weekly - or for some monthly - hour of rinsing would be a playful experience, and an entertaining one! I dare say people might even start bathing more often!
(WITH A HINT OF DISGUST) Which can only be a positive. The people here in France do smell like beasts...!
(AAAANYWAYS) But how to power such a bath? At first, I considered farting eunuchs. If they had a diet of stewed cabbage for a few days before the bath session, it should create sufficient pressure of gas. In order to avoid the eunuchs getting into the tub - that would require a very large tub, and the bubbles would mainly caress the eunuchs themselves - I started drawing a system of tubes that could be inserted into the eunuchs' backside. That would allow the bather to bathe alone yet get the full experience of the bubbles.
However, we do run the risk that the cabbage creates not just gas, but also liquids, and that would be... well, less than desirable.
My second thought was that the eunuchs could simply blow into the pipes. But with the state of their teeth... and the stench of their breath... I would frankly rather have their farts.
However, I think I must look for a solution that is not powered by human exhalation at all. I need a mechanical solution that can somehow capture the air into bubbles and then insert the bubbles into the water... This could potentially lower the cost and make the bubble bath more widely attainable, as eunuchs are surprisingly expensive to keep and rather hard to come by.
Could the machine be wind powered, perhaps? Or could I somehow create wind? I shall continue my research into the subject.
Until next time, dear catalogue of creations... Till next time.
CREDITS.
PIP
Archimedean Moment was performed by Hemi Yeroham, written by Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Adam Raymonda. If you’d like to listen to nine other Itthobaal’s Inventions, and more to come, as well as all our other bonus content like The Alvina Archives, The Arthur Archives, the Audio Advent Calendar and more, you can do so by becoming part of our Patreon community from just five dollars, which will also get you access to advance listening parties and behind the scenes content, or you can become a paid subscriber on Apple Podcast Subscriptions. You can find out more by going to ameliapodcast.com and clicking on support the show.
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