ARTHUR ARCHIVES 9 - THE WICKED BIBLE

(MUSIC)

HOLLAND'S LEAGUER, NIGHT.

(A FLICKERING CANDLE. A QUILL IS DIPPED IN INK AND WE HEAR SCRIBBLES ON PARCHMENT WHENEVER ARTHUR WRITES SOMETHING)

(READS A BIBLE PASSAGE)

ARTHUR

"John 16:22: And ye now therefore

have sorrow: but I will see you

again, and your heart shall rejoice,

and your joy no man taketh from

you."

Hm… How do we change that to include our message? How about...

(WRITES)

"And ye now therefore have sorrow,

but I will see you again in your new

life, and your joy no man taketh

from you"!

Yes, that will work. Oh, and…

(WRITES)

"Your joy no man taketh from the new

you."

Brilliant! That's that! Our changes for Norton's bibles are all ready! I have worked our address at Holland's Leaguer into Hoseia 1:2:

"The Lord said to Hosea, ‘Go, take

to yourself a wife of whoredom'"

Etcetera etcetera, wink wink, you know where to find us! And then Matthew 7:7 helps people find the right entrance:

(FLIPS PAGE)

"Give not that which is holy unto

the dogs"

- in other words, take your precious cargo, i.e. yourself, past the stray dogs that always hang around the back alley - (CHUCKLES)

"neither cast ye your pearls before

swine, lest they trample them under

their feet"

- walk past the pigsty -

"and turn again and rend you"

- and turn left and there's the back entrance! As easy as a Schoen Majken!

"Knock, and it shall be opened unto

you!"

Knock, knock! Come on in! Do you want a Bavarian ale and a spoon of pottage whilst we discuss how to kill you? Our options range from bear mauling via urban pestilences to bouts of lethargy, fear and sadness!

(HE PUTS THE PAPER ASIDE)

(CHUCKLES) Wonderful. I'll get that to Barker tomorrow.

Now, as for my other idea... I said to Barker there's no way we can advertise openly. But now that we own a printing press it seems a shame not to use it for all it's worth! Our bible adverts do require quite a bit of riddle solving, and not all who find themselves in misfortune have the wherewithal to think straight. Plus the clues are covered in such thick layers of biblical iconography, they're easy to miss even for a keen eye. We will attract some customers, but perhaps not as many as we'd like.

No, no, the bibles are not enough. I think we must consider pamphlets after all. Now, a pamphlet could perhaps say things a little more outright...couldn't it? Or the riddles could be less... biblical at least!

I won't know until I've given it a try. I'll jot down some ideas. Where to start? Ah! First of all, let's imagine that the pamphlet is found not by a potential client, but discovered by a sheriff or a Constable or a Justice of the Peace. What then? How do I get them to not pay any attention to the contents?

(WRITES)

"If you are a man of the law, please

read no further!"

Yes, well, that obviously won't work.Uhm...

(WRITES)

"Hello there constable! Did you

remember to put out the fire in your

fireplace before leaving your house

this morning?"

(SCRATCHES IT OUT)

(WRITES)

"Look behind you!"

(SCRATCHES IT OUT)

No, that’s stupid, isn’t it…

Oh... Wait... How about...

(WRITES)

"This pamphlet is written in jest. Please do not heed our words, heed

only our intent."

That's better! Because who is to say what our intent might be, hm? Let's move on. Straight to the matter in hand, I suppose.

(WRITES)

"Do you need a new life?"

(SCRATCHES IT OUT)

No, no, that's too much on the nose.

(WRITES)

"Have you ever dreamt of rising from

the ashes like the bird of fire?"

Yes… seems philosophical, rather than factual. Most people will take it to be a piece of poetry and not think twice about it, whilst it will be read differently by those looking specifically for that very promise! I am a genius… Now…

(WRITES)

"For the right price, we can erase

all debts past and present, and

provide a clean slate for the

future."

Tsk. Now it sounds like we are in the business of debt relief.

(ADDS A FEW WORDS IN THE MARGIN)

"For the right price, we can erase

all debts past and present,

pecuniary and emotional, and provide

a clean slate for the future."

That's better.

(WRITES)

"Seek the upstairs visitors at the

Dutch Manor near Southwark".

Too obvious? I think so….

(WRITES)

"Seek the tattooed giant and his

friend for a free consultation."

Better! Yes, I think that'll do.

Perhaps this could actually work?

Now, how would we disseminate these pamphlets? Norton's bibles will reach all of England, but it would be nice to attract customers from further afield. What if... yes! That's a great idea!

Now, the top of the pamphlet should have a little maker's mark... It should be a burning bird, obviously!

(DRAWS A PHOENIX)

And right under the maker's mark, it should say...

(WRITES)

"Welcome to the Brotherhood of the

Phoenix!"

That's it! Ha! Done! In a few weeks the clients will be lined up all the way to St. George's Fields! And everyone will think all these people are just here for the brothel! Brilliant! And… I'm sure the ladies will get some extra business too.

Now, I just need to get my hands on enough empty bottles... I'll see if Bess has any lying about. Then we head off for a little foray to the seaside and chuck them all in!

(SELF ASSURED CHUCKLE)

I surprise myself sometimes… I really do…

(THE FLICKERING CANDLE FADES OUT)

(LAPPING WAVES FADE IN)

(WE FLASH FORWARD TO THE END OF THE BERLINER LUFT MINISODE)

ARTHUR

What...? Is that...?

(HE WADES A FEW STEPS AND PICKS A BOTTLE OUT OF THE WATER)

You wrote back! Oh that was very quick!

(LAUGHS)

I am very confused. What are the chances…This is obviously from someone else! Let's see...

(HE UNCORKS THE BOTTLE)

This bottle is old!

(FISHES OUT AN OLD, DRY PIECE OF PAPER)

And the paper is very frail. Let me try not to break it...

(HE CAREFULLY UNROLLS IT)

What… But... What in the world...!

(HE READS OUT LOUD)

"Welcome to the Brotherhood of the

Phoenix"...!

But…

(KEEPS READING. VOICE IS FAINT)

"This pamphlet is written in jest.

Please do not heed our words, heed

only our intent.

Have you ever dreamt of rising from

the ashes like the bird of fire?

For the right price, we can erase

all debts past and present,

pecuniary and emotional, and provide

a clean slate for the future.

Seek the tattooed giant and his

friend for a free consultation."

Extraordinary… Yes, I could really need a new start, couldn't I. The giant and his friend...Yes sure, I'll be sure to look out for those two!

(MUSIC)

END OF THE EPISODE

AND OF THE PATREON MINISERIES

The Arthur Archives are dedicated to Bryce Godmer. This minisode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, it was written by Oystein Ulsberg Brager with music and sound design by Adam Raymonda, editing by Philip Thorne, production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you for listening, and thank you so so much for your support.