BODY BAG - SEASON 3 EPILOGUE
INTRO
Hello, it’s Pip! We have a surprise for you! You might have thought season 3 was all finished - but! We have a season epilogue for you. We couldnít end the season without catching up with MI5 Agents Cole and Haines, and CIA Agents Jackie Williams and Mia Fox. As for the continuation of the show - well, weíll be back tomorrow with an announcement about that. And now, letís catch up with the agents, who, when we last left them, were in the process of lugging the body bag containing Kozlowski back to MI5 Headquarters. This epilogue episode is dedicated to our super patron Alban Ossant, thank you Alban and thank you to all our patrons.
(BEEPING FADES OUT, A MECHANICALLY LOCKED DOOR UNLOCKS)
(COLE, HAINES, MIA AND JACKIE LUG A BODY BAG INTO THE INTERROGATION ROOM)
COLE
Christ it's heavy!
(THEY DROP THE BAG AND GROAN WITH RELIEF)
JACKIE
God I forgot how much bodies weightÖ
(COLLECTIVE PANTING)
MIA
Shall I open it?
COLE
Go for it.
(MIA ZIPS OPEN THE BAG)
(PAUSE)
JACKIE
I've never seen anyone with so many tattoos.
Haines
"I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath, scared to rock the boat and make a mess, so I sat quietly, agreed politely I guess that I forgot I had a choice..."
JACKIE
Who gets Katy Perry lyrics tattooed all over their scalp?
COLE
Tats on the soles of his feet too.
JACKIE
Katy Perry lyrics?
COLE
Dunno. Chinese.
MIA
You're talking about his scalp and feet? Seriously?
COLE
What do you mean?
MIA
Um, guess.
Haines
You mean his...
MIA
...winky, yes!
(COLE AUDIBLY RAISES HIS EYEBROWS)
JACKIE
It's supposed to be a... snake?
MIA
One hell of a snake.
JACKIE
Piercings too.
JACKIE
What do we do with him?
COLE
Interrogate him of course!
JACKIE
You sure?
COLE
He's our only connection to Amelia!
JACKIE
He looks so... Dead.
(PAUSE)
HAINES
The drugs will wear off.
MIA
Should we get some clothes for when he wakes up?
JACKIE
Yeah - If he wakes up.
HAINES
I don't think we have anything in his size...
COLE
Man's a giant.
MIA
How do you think he drugged himself?
Haines
No idea.
(LONG PAUSE)
JACKIE
How long are we going to wait?
HAINES
As long as it takes.
(MIA DRUMS HER FINGERS)
COLE
Stop that.
MIA(STOPS)
Why?
COLE
It's distracting.
MIA
Distracting from what?
(COLE GRUMBLES, AUDIBLE ANNOYANCE BY EVERYONE ELSE)
JACKIE
Urgh, it's stuffy in here.
MIA
This chair is doing my back in.
Haines
It's an interrogation room. Not the Ritz.
(PAUSE WITH ANNOYED SOUNDS BY EVERYONE)
JACKIE
Yeah, I'm pretty sure he's dead.
Haines
He's sleeping!
JACKIE
With his eyes open? He hasn't blinked once.
COLE
His eyes are closed.
JACKIE
Sorry?
COLE
The pupils are tattooed onto his eyelids.
MIA
What about the lack of a pulse?
Haines
Must have taken a drug that slows down the heart rate.
MIA (GETS UP)
Okay. I've had enough.
Haines
What are you doing?
MIA
(SHOUTING) HEY, MISTER! WAKE UP!
Should I slap him?
Haines
No.
(MIA SLAPS HIM)
COLE
That's not how we do things here.
(MIA SLAPS HIM AGAIN, PAUSE)
MIA
Definitely dead.
JACKIE
Yup.
COLE
Shit.
Haines
Fuck.
JACKIE
Told you.
COLE
But... Joey and Salvatore... They said he... drugged himself... They... (DISBELIEVING, DISAPPOINTED) They were fooling us?
HAINES
Perhaps he took an overdose by mistake.
COLE
I thought he's a medical genius?
(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH)
Hang on! Do you think he faked his death?!
HAINES
You mean he actually escaped with Joey and Salvatore?!
COLE
Yes!
MIA
He conjured up a seven foot, 250 pound corpse from thin air? Come on!
JACKIE
He might be a genius, he's not a magician!
(THE BUZZING OF A PHONE)
HAINES
Oh Crap.
COLE
What?
HAINES
It's Northcott.
COLE
Oh no.
HAINES
Sheís asking how the interrogation is goingÖ
COLE
(WHIMPERING) I donít want to tell her heís dead!
HAINES
Pull yourself together Cole. (UNCONVINCED) It could be worse.
COLE
I'd rather be that corpse.
HAINES
Let's get this over with.
JACKIE
(SARCASTICALLY) Good luck!
(COLE SNORTS)
(COLE AND HAINES LEAVE. WE HEAR THEIR FOOTSTEPS ECHO INTO THE DISTANCE)
JACKIE
Right. Now that those morons have gone, let's get to work.
MIA
Get to work how?
JACKIE
We have to decipher him.
MIA
Decipher him?
JACKIE
All those tattoos!
MIA
You think... they contain clues?
JACKIE
There's a phoenix on his forehead and we know that's their symbol. My guess: there are codes scribbled all over him and we have to decipher him from head to toe!
(THE BODY BAG CRINKLES)
MIA
Talking of toes...
JACKIE
Yes?
MIA
There are numbers on them. What do you think they mean?
JACKIE
A phone number perhaps?
MIA
And I think those are coordinates on his fingernails...
JACKIE
Yes... And morse code around the neck! We should take a look at his back. Ready?
MIA
You want to roll him over?
JACKIE
Yes!
(THEY ROLL KOZLOWSKI)
JACKIE
Wow!
MIA
Guy's a picture book!
JACKIE
A picture book on acid! I love those pyramids!
MIA
And the Arctic landscape across his shoulders.
JACKIE
We should donate him to the Met.
MIA
The Hell one is freaky though!
JACKIE
So is the one of a priest being shot from a cannon!
MIA
Is that the Loch Ness Monster on his left butt cheek?
JACKIE
Yes and Santa on the other. Weird. Hm.
beat.
We have to document every inch of his body. There are stories here. I'm sure of it.
(MIA STARTS SNAPPING PICTURES WITH HER PHONE. SUDDENLY, A SNORE)
JACKIE
What was that?
(KOZLOWSKI GROANS)
MIA
Holy gadzookers!
JACKIE
He's... He's...
MIA
(WHISPERS) He's alive!!
(THE GROAN CONTINUES. KOZLOWSKI STRETCHES, THE BODY BAG CRINKLES MORE AS HE TURNS AROUND AND GETS UP)
KOZLOWSKI
Well. Hello there.
END.