THE ALVINA-ARCHIVES: BREAKFAST (THEME MUSIC) (ALVINA ENTERS GREASY SPOON. NOT MANY CUSTOMERS AT THIS HOUR) ALVINA A cup of tea and a full English please. (ALVINA SITS DOWN AND WAITS. SHE GETS OUT HER MOBILE) (SPEAKING INTO THE PHONE) Amelia, hi. Hope you got back from Tel Aviv ok. Just a quick update to say that things are going... fine... All's set for Mr Nakamura today, I've organised for Mother Mary to come in using a back exit so she doesn't have cross paths with Father Bruce, and I've written the obituaries for Tam Curtis and Theo Birtwhistle. Everything is under control. (PAUSE) It's just... (PAUSE) Um... I know you said he was peculiar but... (UPSET) You know what? He sent me all the way to Swiss Cottage at four in the morning to get him Maltesers? He's doing his damnedest to get me to leave, he really is. I'm not going to let him of course, but... (PAUSE) Do you have any tips on how to deal with him? Anyway, sorry to bother you, I'm sure you're exhausted from the flight and all. Hopefully I'll have this sorted by the time you get back to the office. I'm actually waiting for him to join me for breakfast right now, so we'll be able to talk it all out. Bye Amelia! (PLATE AND CUP ARE SET ON THE TABLE) WAITER Your breakfast and your tea. ALVINA Oh, thank you. (ALVINA HUMS TO HERSELF AS SHE WAITS. SUDDENLY A VOICE) KOZLOWSKI Do you mind if I join you? (ALVINA JUMPS) ALVINA Oh. I. Uh… Yes. I mean. No. I mean... KOZLOWSKI (SITTING DOWN) I am Kozlowski. ALVINA Oh. KOZLOWSKI And you are Alvina Wright. ALVINA Yes. KOZLOWSKI (CON’T) Or at least you will be once I have operated on you. ALVINA (UNCERTAINLY) Yes... KOZLOWSKI How are you enjoying your breakfast? ALVINA Oh, it's only just arrived. KOZLOWSKI Well, tuck in! The hash browns are delicious. ALVINA (EATING) (NERVOUS) I... I will. Mmm. Yes. Tasty. KOZLOWSKI I come here every morning, six o clock, before it gets busy. There's nothing better than a fried breakfast. ALVINA I agree with you there! KOZLOWSKI Amelia speaks very highly of you. ALVINA (UNABLE TO HIDE HER PRIDE) She does? KOZLOWSKI (CON’T) And I must say, I am impressed. ALVINA (CONFUSED) You are? With what? KOZLOWSKI You preserved your boyfriend's corpse all by yourself using quicklime? ALVINA Oh, that. Yes. KOZLOWSKI Do you mind if I help myself to one of your hash browns? ALVINA Oh, go for it. KOZLOWSKI "And all the while the burning lime, Eats flesh and bone away, It eats the brittle bone by night, And the soft flesh by the day, It eats the flesh and bones by turns, But it eats the heart away." (PAUSE) ALVINA Um? KOZLOWSKI Oscar Wilde. ALVINA Right. KOZLOWSKI Quicklime is an interesting substance. Popular for its ability to remove identities and destroy bones, but used correctly, also a powerful force for preservation and the prevention of putrefaction. In the Iron Age, quicklime burials were common in the Balearic Islands. Bodies can still be found in caves and rock shelters along the coast there. Did you know that? ALVINA I did not. KOZLOWSKI The hash browns are good. Very crispy. ALVINA So how long have you been with Amelia? KOZLOWSKI (CHUCKLES) ALVINA A long time? KOZLOWSKI Yes. (PAUSE) ALVINA You don't want to talk about it? KOZLOWSKI How long have you been with us? ALVINA (FAST) Three days. KOZLOWSKI There will be plenty of time to get into all that. (UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE) ALVINA So, what do you want to talk about? KOZLOWSKI Hmmm... ALVINA Busy day today. I've been looking over Mr Nakamura's file and- KOZLOWSKI I was thinking we could talk about your face. ALVINA My... face? KOZLOWSKI How do you feel about it? ALVINA (CONFUSED) About my face? KOZLOWSKI Yes. ALVINA I... don't know... I haven't really thought about it... KOZLOWSKI Poppycock! ALVINA Excuse me? KOZLOWSKI When you are a small child, yes, you don't know what you look like and you do no6 care. You smile, laugh and cry your heart out without thinking about how others perceive you. But then things change... Do not tell me you have not studied yourself in the mirror. Do not tell me you have not agonised over your face, how it behaves and how you want it to differ. ALVINA Very well. I don't like my chin. And puberty was no joke. My skin is still wrecked. KOZLOWSKI I can change that for you. ALVINA I'm not really sure I want you to. KOZLOWSKI Why not? ALVINA Because... Well, it's me. KOZLOWSKI Julia Thorpe? ALVINA Ye... yes... KOZLOWSKI But now you are Alvina Wright. ALVINA (HESITANT) I... I am. KOZLOWSKI And who is Alvina Wright? A new identity is more than just a new passport you know. ALVINA You're right. It's just... Like I said, I've only been here three days and it's a lot to get my head around. KOZLOWSKI (KINDLY) I understand. ALVINA I'll give it some thought. KOZLOWSKI You are welcome to come speak to me about it any time you want. ALVINA I haven't actually seen you around at the office... I was starting to wonder if your operating theatre is somewhere else... KOZLOWSKI It's in the basement. ALVINA I see. KOZLOWSKI You should visit me there one day. It is an amazing place. And when you are ready, we can work on your face. ALVINA Can I ask you something? KOZLOWSKI Of course. ALVINA I was supposed to have breakfast here with- KOZLOWSKI I overheard your telephone conversation. ALVINA He stood me up. KOZLOWSKI Did he agree to come in the first place? ALVINA Well... no. Not exactly. But- but I thought- KOZLOWSKI I am not surprised. This is hardly his scene. ALVINA What do you mean? KOZLOWSKI Next time, make it somewhere with pretty china cups and linen tablecloths. You are not going to get him into a greasy spoon. ALVINA Ah. KOZLOWSKI Ah… If you would like some advice... ALVINA (EAGERLY) Yes? KOZLOWSKI Scrabble. ALVINA Scrabble? KOZLOWSKI He loves scrabble. ALVINA Huh! I love scrabble. KOZLOWSKI Well. (CHUCKLES) You have something in common then. ALVINA Thank you. You've been very helpful. (BEAT) Well, I guess we should be getting back to the office then. Big day! KOZLOWSKI Oh, my day has just ended. ALVINA At six thirty in the morning? KOZLOWSKI I work at night. At the end of my shift I come here for a fried breakfast before bed. ALVINA You end the day with breakfast? KOZLOWSKI And a large cup of coffee. Black. ALVINA You can sleep after that? KOZLOWSKI Ah, I take a little something to help me... ALVINA A little something...? KOZLOWSKI Silphium. Knocks me out for a good ten hours. ALVINA Gosh, okay. Well, good night to you then, I suppose. KOZLOWSKI And good morning to you. ALVINA Thanks. (BEAT) KOZLOWSKI Will I see you here again tomorrow? ALVINA Sorry? KOZLOWSKI For breakfast? ALVINA Oh... You know, why not! KOZLOWSKI Let's make it a habit. ALVINA Deal. KOZLOWSKI Deal. And perhaps you'll have some more thoughts about your new identity by then. ALVINA Perhaps. (ALVINA PUSHES BACK HER CHAIR AND GETS UP) KOZLOWSKI Have a good day. ALVINA Have a good night. (ALVINA MOVES TOWARDS THE DOOR) KOZLOWSKI (CALLS AFTER HER) And remember. Scrabble! ALVINA (CALLS BACK) Scrabble! PIP We hope you’ve enjoyed the first three episodes of The Alvina Archives, the series will keep running throughout Season 4, but next we’re actually going to do something slightly different, we’re going to do a livestream performance of the the first three episodes, on Friday the third of December at 9pm CET. You’ll be able to access it from the Patreon site, and you can either watch live in which case you can post comments and join a Q&A with us afterwards, or you can watch it later on replay. So that’s Friday the third of December at 9pm CET, hope to catch some of you there, and thank you so much for your kind support, we really really appreciate it.