THE ALVINA ARCHIVES - EPISODE 2 - BRYHER (ALVINA ARCHIVES - THEME MUSIC) (ALVINA IS OUTSIDE THE OFFICE BUILDING. THE DOOR IS LOCKED. SHE BUZZES) Interviewer (THROUGH THE SPEAKER) Hello? ALVINA The door won't open. Interviewer (UNDER HIS BREATH, BERATING HIMSELF FOR HAVING PICKED UP) Shit! ALVINA Hello? Hello? Interviewer (ANNOYED) Hello. ALVINA So are you going to buzz me in or what? Interviewer (UNCONVINCING) The… uh… the button is jammed. (BEAT) ALVINA Then come down and open the door. Interviewer My leg's fallen asleep. ALVINA I've just walked thirty minutes to an all night petrol station, just to get you bloody Maltesers- Interviewer You got them? ALVINA Of course I got them. I was hoping it was some kind of decoy and that there was going to be something different inside, but no, just Maltesers. (CRUNCH) Interviewer (UPSET) Are you eating them?! ALVINA (MOUTHFUL) Yup. Interviewer They were supposed to be for me! ALVINA Well if you're not going to let me in, I might as well eat them myself. Interviewer I- I could let down a little basket on a string- ALVINA What?! Interviewer From the window! ALVINA I... I don't know how she puts up with you! Interviewer Who? ALVINA Amelia. (BEAT) Or rather... Maybe now I understand why she hired me... Interviewer We don't need an assistant. ALVINA You sure? You could be eating Maltesers right now… (PAUSE) (SIGHS) It's cold. (PAUSE) You're really just going to leave me standing out here until Mr Nakamura turns up? Interviewer Mr Nakamura? ALVINA Your first appointment. Seven am. Interviewer Oh. ALVINA I'll just enter with Mr Nakamura if you don't let me in before. Interviewer (PAINED) Can't you take a hint? ALVINA You don't want me here. That's hardly a hint. Interviewer So why do you keep insisting? ALVINA Can I tell you a story? Interviewer (DESPITE HIMSELF, HE CAN'T RESIST A STORY, HE FIGHTS HIMSELF FOR A MOMENT) Oh... go on then! ALVINA When I was fifteen my best friend Sharon was throwing a Halloween party over on Bryher. Her dad, the island vicar, was visiting the mainland, so we'd have the vicarage all to ourselves, and we intended on partying in the church and then haunting the graveyard. I'd died my hair jet black, put on white makeup and blood red lipstick and I had this really cool velvet cape I'd found in a charity store on Saint Mary's. And then a gale hits. INTERVIEWER Oh... ALVINA On the Isles of Scilly we're blessed with the mildest weather in Britain, but when the gales hit, they hit hard. No way my mum was going to take me over to Bryher in the motorboat in that weather! So there I was, stranded on my stupid little island. Interviewer Which of the Scilly islands do you call home? ALVINA Samson. Interviewer I haven't heard of that one. ALVINA No wonder. It's uninhabited. Apart from me and my mum that is. Interviewer (INVESTED) Gosh. So how did you end up living there? ALVINA That's another story. I was in the middle of telling you about Halloween. Interviewer (INTERESTED) Oh yes... Go on. ALVINA Gale or not, I'm not going to miss Sharon's party if I have to row over to Bryher myself! (BEAT) Interviewer So...? ALVINA So that's what I do. I sneak out of the house, hoist the tarpaulin off the old leaky rowing boat, push it into the waves and row. Through the wind and rain. Dressed as a ghoul. All the way to Bryher. Interviewer (INVESTED) You got there safely? ALVINA I was drenched to the bone, but yeah. (LAUGHS) When I turned up at the vicarage I looked scary as hell! Frightened the bejesus out of the other kids! Interviewer Ha! I bet! (BEAT) Why... um... why did you tell me that story? ALVINA There's always time for a story, right? Interviewer Yes, but why- ALVINA If I want something, I don't let anything get in my way. If I can row from Samson to Bryher in a storm, I can put up with your... let's be charitable and call them "peculiarities." Interviewer I... um... ALVINA I made a promise. To Amelia. And to myself. I like this job. And I think I can be good at it. This is my home now. And you're just going to have to accept that. (SILENCE) Hello? (BEAT) Hello? Are you still there? (BEAT) ALVINA Do you like cooked breakfasts? Interviewer (QUICKLY) Breakfast? ALVINA On the way back from the petrol station I passed this greasy spoon on Finchley Road that opens at six. That's in half an hour. I could do with a cup of tea and a good fry up. Busy day coming up! After Mr Nakamura we've got that pregnant Abbess, then the trapeze artist from Cirque du Soleil and Amelia asked me to pop over to the mortuary at Saint Thomas Hospital to meet a guy she's bringing over from Israel. I doubt I'll get any lunch in, so might as well start the day with a proper breakfast. You'll join me? (PAUSE) Well, you can find me at the cafe and I'll be back here at seven for when Mr Nakamura arrives. (STEPS AS SHE WALKS AWAY, BUT THEN TURNS AROUND) If you join me, I might tell you the story about how my mum and I ended up on Samson... (FAINTER) See you! (ALVINA WALKS AWAY) (PAUSE) (THE INTERVIEWER GROANS OVER THE INTERCOM) END.