EPISODE 6 - CASINO FATALE
(TITLE MUSIC)
GREASY SPOON.
(ALVINA STIRS HER TEA)
ALVINA
(TO HERSELF) Where is he? It's quarter past six. He said he always comes here at six o'clock exactly.
(KOZLOWSKI ENTERS)
Ah! There you are! Good morning.
KOZLOWSKI
(GRUNTS SOMETHING UNINTELLIGIBLE)
ALVINA
Uh… Rough night?
KOZLOWSKI
(GRUNTS AGAIN)
(KOZLOWSKI SITS DOWN)
ALVINA
I'm sorry - I already ordered my food - I hope that's alright. Should I call the waitress for you?
KOZLOWSKI
(GLUM) I will just have coffee.
ALVINA
Not hungry?
KOZLOWSKI
Tell her to leave the pot on the table.
ALVINA
...Okay?
(TRYING TO JOKE) You'll need some extra silphium to counteract that!
KOZLOWSKI
I am not planning to sleep.
ALVINA
You're going back to work?
KOZLOWSKI
No. I am going to the car park behind Morrisons.
ALVINA
Why?
KOZLOWSKI
There is a grey wall there. It has not a spec of color.
ALVINA
Okay?
KOZLOWSKI
I am going to stare at it.
BEAT.
(THE WAITRESS PASSES)
ALVINA
(TO THE WAITRESS)Oh, hi!
WAITRESS
Yes?
ALVINA
Some coffee for the gentleman, please. And if you could leave the pot on the table...?
WAITER
Sure.
ALVINA
Thanks.
(TO KOZLOWSKI) So what's up?
KOZLOWSKI
I… lost a patient.
ALVINA
On the operating table?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
ALVINA
(SHOOK) Oh! Oh no. I'm so sorry. Who?
KOZLOWSKI
Everett Sutton.
ALVINA
That's Theo Birtwhistle's new identity.
KOZLOWSKI
It was.
ALVINA
Oh dear. Do we have a procedure for this? Eh, there's a plane ticket in Everett Sutton's name from Heathrow to the Pitcairn Islands in two days! And the house in Adamstown! Mrs. Charlene is waiting for Mr. Sutton to pick up the key for the condo. I'll have to cancel all that.
KOZLOWSKI
Yes…
ALVINA
I'm... I'm so sorry. Can't be easy to lose a patient.
(KOZLOWSKI DOESN'T ANSWER)
Has it... ever happened to you before?
KOZLOWSKI
Very seldom.
ALVINA
I can't imagine what it must feel like.
KOZLOWSKI
Sand.
ALVINA
Excuse me?
KOZLOWSKI
You work and work, you are as diligent as ever. You slice, stitch, shift features around. You think there is something there - you even imagine you can see it. But then... All of a sudden there is nothing. Your castle has been washed away and just the beach is left.
ALVINA
I'm sure it wasn't your fault.
KOZLOWSKI
(SCOFFS)
Are you trying to ask me "why"?
(SILENCE)
Are you?
ALVINA
Well -
KOZLOWSKI
(UPSET) Go on then! Ask me! Say: "Why?"!
ALVINA
I don't want to know why... How, maybe. How did it happen?
KOZLOWSKI
How... The cause. Why. The reason. Do you think these answers exist?
(SILENCE)
ALVINA
I - I don't know!
KOZLOWSKI
(YELLING) Answer me!
ALVINA
No.
BEAT.
No, they don't.
(AN ELECTRIC SILENCE. THE WAITER PLACES A COFFEE POT AND A CUP ON THE TABLE)
WAITRESS
There you go.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you.
(THE WAITER LEAVES. ANOTHER SHORT SILENCE)
KOZLOWSKI
I am sorry. I do not often yell. But you are right. Some days come with no explanations - no hows and no whys.
Beat.
ALVINA
God, I feel for Theo too. He was so looking forward to his new life in the Pacific.
KOZLOWSKI
Theo is fine.
BEAT.
ALVINA
What?
KOZLOWSKI
Theo is fine. He is a bit groggy from the anesthetic right now, but in a few hours he will be A-OK.
ALVINA
But... you said he died on the operating table?
KOZLOWSKI
I said I lost a patient.
ALVINA
I don't understand.
KOZLOWSKI
Everett Sutton died on the operating table.
ALVINA
But Everett Sutton is Theo Birtwhistle?
KOZLOWSKI
Alvina, what do I do?
ALVINA
About having killed a patient?
KOZLOWSKI
No! Every day, what is my job?
ALVINA
You're our surgeon. You change people's faces.
KOZLOWSKI
No.
ALVINA
No?
KOZLOWSKI
No! I craft identities! I make people! Living, breathing people. Not just faces, I create personalities! Do you see?
ALVINA
Well -
KOZLOWSKI
Most days, I am in control of my craft. But some days, for some unknown reason, the identity I am crafting falls apart. I do not begrudge it, on the contrary, I cherish it. Even if it brings me down. Because it is a valuable, humbling experience, reminding me that I am indeed fallible.
ALVINA
So - Theo Birtwhistle is fine - but his new appearance failed?
KOZLOWSKI
"His new appearance failed". You make it sound so crass. I do not think you understand.
ALVINA
I'm sorry - I do. His new appearance... ran out in the sand.
KOZLOWSKI
(SCOFFS)
ALVINA
Does that mean he currently has no face?
KOZLOWSKI
I gave him his old one back. Temporarily.
ALVINA
(NOT QUITE CONVINCED) Okay...
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
And I'll craft his new identity tomorrow.
ALVINA
So I don't have to cancel the condo on the Pitcairn Islands?
KOZLOWSKI
Of course you do!
ALVINA
But you're giving him his new identity as Everett Sutton tomorrow. and Mr. Sutton isn't leaving for the Pitcairn Islands until the day after tomorrow. There's still time!
KOZLOWSKI
I told you, Everett Sutton is dead!
ALVINA
He'll just have a different face than you imagined!
KOZLOWSKI
He will not be Everett Sutton! I killed Everett Sutton! Everett Sutton is no more! He can never be! If you don't understand this, how can you and I ever create Alvina Wright?!
ALVINA
Okay! Okay, fine. I have an idea. I spelled Everett with two T's. What if he's Everet with one T? Then all the arrangements can be kept. We can just blame the extra T on a spelling error.
KOZLOWSKI
(GRUDGINGLY ACCEPTING) Fine. I will create Mr. Everet Sutton - with one T. He will be someone very different to Everett Sutton with two T's. A weaker personality. His jawline less sharp, his eyebrows less symmetrical. A feeble posture. But it will have to do.
ALVINA
Good. I'll call the airline first thing.
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
I can see why Amelia hired you.
ALVINA
Why do you say that?
KOZLOWSKI
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) I hope you had a better evening than I did. Your Scrabble date was last night, was it not?
ALVINA
Bah!
KOZLOWSKI
Why "bah"?
ALVINA
You said we would bond. That we would have something in common.
KOZLOWSKI
….yes?
ALVINA
Well, he cheated!
KOZLOWSKI
He did?
ALVINA
I saw him pull letters out of his desk drawer!
KOZLOWSKI
Hm. That is odd…
ALVINA
What, him cheating?
(IRONIC) You're telling me that man is the picture of honesty?
KOZLOWSKI
(AMUSED) Of course not. But normally he is not found out.
ALVINA
Really? His tactics weren't exactly subtle. He had to keep opening and closing his drawer and it squeaked loudly!
KOZLOWSKI
(LAUGHS) Let me tell you a story.
ALVINA
It's all about the stories with you people.
KOZLOWSKI
A few years back we were faking the death of Uladzimir Novik, second in command of the Belarusian mafia. His death was to take place during an illicit poker game run by his boss, the head of the Belarusian mafia. Our friend with the Scrabble pieces in his desk drawer was to join the game posing as an oil baron with a gambling problem. Over the course of the game he was supposed to make subtle mistakes, making the head of the mafia suspicious that he wasn’t an oil baron at all. The mafia boss would order one of his henchmen to run another background check, which would reveal that the oil baron with a gambling problem was in fact Jimmy Stocks, an undercover agent of the MI6.
ALVINA
A second false identity. A double bluff!
KOZLOWSKI
At the very moment this was revealed, our friend would slip up in the poker game, revealing that he has been cheating all along.
ALVINA
Oh dear.
KOZLOWSKI
These two things combined would make the mafia boss furious! An argument would break out, soon escalating to a gunfight. As our friend leaves the room, guns blazing, he shoots Uladzimir Novik and kills him dead.
ALVINA
Uladzimir - that's the client?
KOZLOWSKI
Correct. In the eyes of the mafia, Uladzimir would have died an honorable death, which ensures his widow is treated with respect. And Uladzimir himself can move on to a life free of crime and peril.
ALVINA
Risky plan.
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed. It depended on the mafia boss seeing through the fake identity of the oil baron, but not through the fake identity of the MI6 agent. The mafia boss had to discover that our friend was cheating at poker, but not discover that our friend was in cahoots with the client. It was a deception so complex, a single wrong step and it would all have fallen apart.
ALVINA
How did it go?
KOZLOWSKI
(SIGHS HAPPILY) Uladzimir Novik is now enjoying life as an ice cream seller in Nova Scotia.
ALVINA
(HAPPILY) It worked.
KOZLOWSKI
Easy as a breeze. Our friend even recruited the croupier as a new client whilst he was at it. It was quite something to observe.
ALVINA
I can imagine.
KOZLOWSKI
So, remember this: You will never know where you have him, and he will always know where he has you.
BEAT.
And himself. Even when it does not seem that way.
Silence.
ALVINA
I don't believe you. He was genuinely flustered when I caught him cheating!
KOZLOWSKI
If you say so.
Beat.
ALVINA
Where were you?
KOZLOWSKI
When?
ALVINA
You said you observed him con the mafia boss. Where were you?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh. (HAPPILY) Inside a stuffed bear.
ALVINA
Sorry?
KOZLOWSKI
The mafia boss collected taxidermy animals. I was hiding inside a Russian bear. Our backup plan, should the mafia boss not act as we intended, was to spike everyone's drinks with a hallucinogenic. The bear would come alive and chase the poker players around the room, prompting a shoot-out that way.
ALVINA
(LAUGHING) I suppose you're glad it didn't come to that.
KOZLOWSKI
We bulletproofed the bear.
BEAT.
Alvina - thank you.
ALVINA
For what?
KOZLOWSKI
I feel better. I can already tell I am going to enjoy our morning chats.
ALVINA
Why?
KOZLOWSKI
Because… you do not agree with me. An admirable quality in a conversation partner.
ALVINA
Thank you.
KOZLOWSKI
I shall go now - and stare at that wall. But perhaps not for quite as long as I intended.
(KOZLOWSKI GETS UP AND IS ABOUT TO LEAVE)
I wish you better luck on your next Scrabble night. Your idea was good - keep at it, and I am sure you will see results.
(HE OPENS THE DOOR)
ALVINA
Hang on a second.
(KOZLOWSKI STOPS)
KOZLOWSKI
Yes?
ALVINA
You were the one who suggested Scrabble!
KOZLOWSKI
Was I?
ALVINA
I think so. Why?
KOZLOWSKI
I am pretty sure it was you! Yes - yes it was! You suggested it because it would be something the two of you had in common!
ALVINA
No, I clearly remember you suggesting it.
KOZLOWSKI
Naah… We will never know, will we?
ALVINA
I suppose not.
KOZLOWSKI
I will see you tomorrow at six am.
(HE LEAVES)
(ALVINA STIRS HER TEA)
THE END.