CLARA KNOFF - PATREON BONUS EPISODE
PHILIP
Hello dear patrons, here is a new episode just for you. We're back at Golovin prison where the Interviewer has been let out into the prison courtyard for his fifteen minutes of fresh air, when something unusual happens. We hope you enjoy this exclusive Patreon bonus episode; Clara Knoff.
PROLOGUE
OUTSIDE IN THE GOLOVIN COURTYARD. A PRISON DOOR OPENS.
INTERVIEWER
Ahhh! Finally some air!
OLEG
Mmm. Da.
INTERVIEWER
I can’t believe I’m only allowed into the courtyard once a week. Can you believe that, Oleg?
OLEG
Njet.
INTERVIEWER
I mean! I’m a Block D inmate! We are supposed to be VIP! Isn’t that right, Oleg?
OLEG
Da.
THERE'S COMMOTION AND EXCITEMENT SOME WAY OFF.
INTERVIEWER
What is happening? It looks like people are gathering by the fence. The other side of that fence, that’s Block C, isn’t it?
OLEG
Da.
INTERVIEWER
What is happening?
CLARA KNOFF
Listen! Fellow inmates of Golovin! We are going to determine once and for all which block is the best!
CROWD CHEERS AND RATTLES THE FENCE.
CLARA KNOFF
Is it Block C? C for Cockroaches!
BOOING FROM BLOCK C INMATES. THEY SOUND DANGEROUS.
CLARA KNOFF
Or is it Block D? D for Daredevils!
MORE BOOING FROM BLOCK C.
INTERVIEWER
Who is that woman?
CLARA KNOFF
We challenge you to see who can make the highest human pyramid!
YELLING AND BOOING.
INTERVIEWER
A human pyramid? She wants to win at human pyramids with those guys?!
OLEG
Da.
CLARA KNOFF
Are you ready?!
THE BLOCK C INMATES ROAR.
INTERVIEWER
The prisoners in Block C are all body builders and top trained assassins!
OLEG
Da...
INTERVIEWER
Whilst the Block D inmates are a bunch of scientists and nerds!
OLEG
Da.
INTERVIEWER
Well, we don’t stand a chance do we?
OLEG
Njet.
ANT
(IN THE BACKGROUND)
Are you ready for this?
THE BLOCK C INMATES START JUMPING UP ON EACH OTHER'S SHOULDERS. THEY JUMP UP WITH EASE: HUP! HUP! HUP!
CLARA KNOFF
Come on guys! Hiroshi, get on top of my shoulders! Abd al-Rahman Safar! Get in here, you’re bottom left!
THE BLOCK D INMATES START CLIMBING ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. THEY STRUGGLE.
INTERVIEWER
I really hope they’ve been practicing this.
ANT
Everyone, please, we're doing this, there's no backing out!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my God there’s Ant! Hah! Oh, he’s much more nimble than I thought! He’s skinny as a stick insect, though.
ANT
Just let me up there!
INTERVIEWER
Should he really be second tier?
ANT
I'm on your shoulders, remember!
CLARA KNOFF
We can do this guys! The others only have twelve! We just need Wolfgang on top, and we’ve beat them! We can do this! Wolfgang? Wolfgang! Where’s Wolfgang?! Has anyone seen Wolfgang?!
INTERVIEWER
Wasn’t he -
OLEG
Da.
CLARA KNOFF
Wolfgang? Wolfgang!
INTERVIEWER
He’s in the basement!
CLARA KNOFF
What?
INTERVIEWER
Wolfgang was sent to the basement!
CLARA KNOFF
Shit! We need someone else! You! Yes, you! Climb up here!
INTERVIEWER
Is she pointing at -
OLEG
Da.
CLARA KNOFF
Come on! Quick! Or we’ll lose this thing!
INTERVIEWER
But I wasn’t here for the rehearsal!
CLARA KNOFF
Climb!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, well, I do love a challenge...
THE INTERVIEWER STARTS CLIMBING.
CLARA KNOFF
Come on! Quick!
INTERVIEWER
Though I’m not so fond of sweating. Oh - sorry!
CLARA KNOFF
Come on!
INTERVIEWER
Can I step on your - oh sorry! Ah!
ANT
Don't kick me!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my gosh. Ant, I do apologize, I didn’t mean to kick your ear!
ANT
That hurt!
CLARA KNOFF
Come on!
INTERVIEWER
Oh - oh - oh - and I’m up! I’m up! Oh my gosh this is high! It didn’t look quite as high from below! Did we win?
CLARA KNOFF
We have to stay standing for at least ten seconds. We have eight left... Seven...
HEAVY BREATHING. THEY ARE STRUGGLING.
CLARA KNOFF
Come on guys! We’re protecting the honour of Block D! Three... Two -
ALL OF THE BLOCK D INMATES
Aaaaaahhh!
THE HUMAN PYRAMID TUMBLES TO THE GROUND. SCREAMS AND SHRIEKS AS THIRTEEN BODIES TUMBLE TO THE GROUND IN A BIG MESSY PILE.
BLOCK C INMATE
Losers! Block C has win!
ANT
Hiroshi, I'm so sorry I landed on you!
INTERVIEWER
I’m alive! I'm alive! I don’t think I’ve broken anything. Just a few bruises. I’m bleeding! What is this? My blood is blue. Either I’m suddenly royal or... No, no no, it's the fountain pen! Oleg! See!
CLARA KNOFF
(WHISPERING)
Pst! Hey! You!
INTERVIEWER
What?
CLARA KNOFF
Stay down! In the commotion no one will hear us talking!
INTERVIEWER
What is going on?
CLARA KNOFF
You are the disappearance guy, right?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
CLARA KNOFF
Sign up for potato peeling!
INTERVIEWER
But I hate peeling potatoes!
CLARA KNOFF
Potato duty is the only time prisoners can talk in private! Please sign up for potato peeling tomorrow! I need your help!
INTERVIEWER
OK...
CLARA KNOFF
Thanks. Looks like your pen broke in the fall.
INTERVIEWER
It did.
CLARA KNOFF
You can borrow mine.
INTERVIEWER
(SKEPTICAL)
It’s red.
CLARA KNOFF
I prefer red ink. It matches my personality.
INTERVIEWER
Is it remarkably silent?
CLARA KNOFF
I don’t know? Probably not.
INTERVIEWER
Never mind then. I’ll see you tomorrow.
END OF PROLOGUE
THEME TUNE - RUSSIAN VERSION.
THE INTERVIEW
THE NEXT DAY. AT THE BACK ROOM OF THE GOLOVIN KITCHEN. CLARA KNOFF IS ALREADY THERE, PEELING POTATOES AND CHUCKING THEM IN A BUCKET. A DOOR OPENS AND THE INTERVIEWER ENTERS. WE HEAR THE BUSY GOLOVIN CANTEEN.
CLARA KNOFF
You came!
INTERVIEWER
Of course. Are you ready to work with a champion?
CLARA KNOFF
I thought you said you hate peeling?
INTERVIEWER
I do.
THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND HIM AND THE NOISES FROM THE CANTEEN DISAPPEAR.
INTERVIEWER
I also hold the world record.
CLARA KNOFF
Really?
INTERVIEWER
In the World Championship in 1982 I was on the Ugandan team. We had to make sure Uganda won. The disappearance of team captain Dembe Akello depended on it. She was going lift the trophy at the award ceremony, and accidentally drop it on her head.
CLARA KNOFF
Did it work?
INTERVIEWER
We beat Ecuador by four pounds two ounces. But, the training was too intense. I didn’t eat chips for years.
CLARA KNOFF
Well, you don’t have to worry about peeling. I’m just finishing up.
INTERVIEWER
Really?
CLARA KNOFF
I got here early. This is the last one.
INTERVIEWER
That’s a lot of potatoes.
SHE THROWS THE LAST POTATO IN THE BUCKET.
CLARA KNOFF
I started at two in the morning. I have peeled exactly ninety-seven kilos and fourteen grams.
INTERVIEWER
That’s quite a feat.
CLARA KNOFF
I actually asked the canteen staff what the Golovin potato peeling record is: It's ninety-six kilos and twelve grams! Haha!
INTERVIEWER
So you beat it! Haha! Maybe they’ll honour you with a plaque!
CLARA KNOFF
But they mustn’t know.
INTERVIEWER
Why not?
CLARA KNOFF
People have to think you and I peeled these together. Or they’ll realize we met to talk.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. What a shame.
CLARA KNOFF
It’s OK. I can just come back tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
You’re doing it again?
CLARA KNOFF
Of course! Now that I know I can do it, I might as well! The Golovin potato peeling record will be mine!
INTERVIEWER
Listen, do I know you? Now that we’re not squashed under a human pyramid, your face seems rather familiar. Are you by any chance... Clara Knoff?
CLARA KNOFF
The very same.
INTERVIEWER
What an honour! I recognize your face from the back of your book! I absolutely loved it!
CLARA KNOFF
You know my book?
INTERVIEWER
Do I know it?! Hah! “A Catalogue of British Nipples. The thousand most intriguing nipples in the UK.” I mean, it's one of a kind!
CLARA KNOFF
It needs a new edition. I didn’t quite reach my goal.
INTERVIEWER
Which was?
CLARA KNOFF
It was supposed to be all of them, not just a thousand.
INTERVIEWER
All of them?
CLARA KNOFF
Yes. Besides, the title is a lie. The book only has 999 nipples. One of them turned out to be a mole.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Right.
CLARA KNOFF
So, can you help fake my death? I’m in a lot of trouble.
INTERVIEWER
With whom?
CLARA KNOFF
Boris. If I don’t deliver any results by the end of the week, he’s going to throw me in the basement.
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear. What are you working on?
CLARA KNOFF
An uncrackable code.
INTERVIEWER
So you’re a code maker?
CLARA KNOFF
No.
INTERVIEWER
You’re not?
CLARA KNOFF
Not even close. I can’t even solve the Monday crossword puzzle, never mind create a super safe code system for the Russian Intelligence.
INTERVIEWER
But... Boris thinks you can?
CLARA KNOFF
You see my problem?
INTERVIEWER
Strange. All the mavericks in Block D are brought here to do what they do best. But for some strange reason you’re not?
CLARA KNOFF
I wish I was.
INTERVIEWER
So what are you good at?
CLARA KNOFF
I’m a serial accomplisher.
INTERVIEWER
A... A what?
CLARA KNOFF
An accomplisher.
INTERVIEWER
Accomplishing what?
CLARA KNOFF
Feats.
INTERVIEWER
Feats?
CLARA KNOFF
Yes. I’ve accomplished quite a few feats over the years, but I’m still searching for my greatest one.
INTERVIEWER
Oh... But... why?
CLARA KNOFF
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Well, why are you performing feats?
CLARA KNOFF
Are you joking?
INTERVIEWER
No...?
CLARA KNOFF
Why does anyone perform feats?
INTERVIEWER
I suppose to get into the newspaper?
CLARA KNOFF
No.
INTERVIEWER
The Book of World Records?
CLARA KNOFF
Couldn’t care less.
INTERVIEWER
To be remembered?
CLARA KNOFF
That’s not it.
INTERVIEWER
Then why?
CLARA KNOFF
To be one of them!
INTERVIEWER
Who?
CLARA KNOFF
The greats! To belong among my idols!
INTERVIEWER
Like who?
CLARA KNOFF
Neil Armstrong! First person to walk on the moon!
INTERVIEWER
Really? Huh, I think getting there was more impressive.
CLARA KNOFF
Leonardo DaVinci then! Painting the Mona Lisa!
INTERVIEWER
Ah, god! That schmuck.
CLARA KNOFF
Etibar Elchyev!
INTERVIEWER
Who’s that?
CLARA KNOFF
He balanced 50 metal spoons on his body!
INTERVIEWER
Only fifty?
CLARA KNOFF
Have you tried?
INTERVIEWER
No, but I’m sure I could manage more than fifty -
CLARA KNOFF
Pah! What about the greatest one, my heroine of all time: Amelia Earhart!
INTERVIEWER
Now we’re talking! Truly one of the greats! Not just the first woman to fly across the Atlantic, but the first person to do it whilst drinking cocoa!
CLARA KNOFF
I’m not doing this for fame. I’m doing it for me.
INTERVIEWER
So, what have you done so far?
CLARA KNOFF
Where should I start... Once I tried emptying the Thames of fish!
INTERVIEWER
Hasn’t pollution taken care of that already?
CLARA KNOFF
Pollution helped. I baked the largest hot cross bun in the world! But it burned. Then I went through a bit of a hippie phase where I tried having the longest tantric orgasm ever recorded on a spectrometer. Turns out that’s not how you use a spectrometer. Hm.
INTERVIEWER
Uh huh...
CLARA KNOFF
After the tantric failure, I kind of hit rock bottom for a while. I’d done all sorts of silly things, but none of them were really it... But then I had a vision! I wasn’t just going to perform a feat. No, it was more than that. I was going to do something that would change the course of history!
INTERVIEWER
Let me guess! You were supposed to... end war?
CLARA KNOFF
No.
INTERVIEWER
Eradicate famine?
CLARA KNOFF
No.
INTERVIEWER
Cure cancer?
CLARA KNOFF
Try again.
INTERVIEWER
Were you... supposed to save Lady Di from dying?
CLARA KNOFF
Lady Di isn’t dead!
INTERVIEWER
How did you know that?
CLARA KNOFF
Uh... I’m just a hopeful fan... How do you know?
INTERVIEWER
Never mind. I give up. What was your next feat?
CLARA KNOFF
You know maps?
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
CLARA KNOFF
I was meant to make one.
INTERVIEWER
A map?
CLARA KNOFF
It’s maybe not as obvious as ending war or curing cancer, but it’s even more profound!
INTERVIEWER
A map!?
CLARA KNOFF
Have you ever used a map?
INTERVIEWER
Once or twice.
CLARA KNOFF
They don’t work very well, do they? The drawings are inaccurate -
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
CLARA KNOFF
- the writing is too small -
INTERVIEWER
Well, yeah...
CLARA KNOFF
- and there are significant details missing!
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
CLARA KNOFF
I always end up walking into lamp posts and fire hydrants.
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps you should look up?
CLARA KNOFF
It’s not just that. It’s the whole idea of maps! They are reductive. I was going to make a map that showed everything!
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
CLARA KNOFF
The details! My map wouldn’t miss a single cornerstone! I was going to make a map that was 1 to 1!
INTERVIEWER
Just to be clear: Your plan was to make a life size map of the earth?
CLARA KNOFF
Exactly!
INTERVIEWER
But the map would be so big, it would cover the planet!
CLARA KNOFF
We could fold it up.
INTERVIEWER
And store it where?
CLARA KNOFF
Ah! Someone else could figure that out. I was the Map Maker! Not the Map Folderer.
INTERVIEWER
Right...
CLARA KNOFF
I called around to paper companies to get them to provide me with the amount of paper that I needed.
INTERVIEWER
Mm.
CLARA KNOFF
It turned out none of them had 510.1 trillion square meters in stock. So... the whole thing kind of ended there.
INTERVIEWER
What a shame.
CLARA KNOFF
I know! For a while I thought I should give it another try. Perhaps draw it on another surface than paper. I might have had more luck with linen or something. But then Google Maps launched... I’ve never been one for giving up though! I always pull myself up by the bootstraps and get at it! In fact, the energy I had stored up from preparing for the map thing launched me into one of the most productive periods of my life.
INTERVIEWER
Hm!
CLARA KNOFF
I did some of my best work during that time!
INTERVIEWER
Like what?
CLARA KNOFF
I dug a new river through Russia!
INTERVIEWER
Oh!
CLARA KNOFF
Sat in all the chairs from the Renaissance and before. Learned the Bible backwards.
INTERVIEWER
Hah!
CLARA KNOFF
Started cataloging British nipples!
INTERVIEWER
For the book! By size and shape, right?
CLARA KNOFF
No, color.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
CLARA KNOFF
But it was hard to get access. Spent some time in jail. Tried cross breeding a crocodile with a tiger!
INTERVIEWER
Is that why you’re missing an ear?
CLARA KNOFF
No, my ear burned off when I tried to make headphones out of fire.
INTERVIEWER
Why on earth would you - ?
CLARA KNOFF
Rock and roll, baby! Heh! You can’t get more rock’n’roll than burning headphones, can you?
INTERVIEWER
I guess not.
CLARA KNOFF
Huh?
INTERVIEWER
I guess not!
CLARA KNOFF
I’m sorry, my hearing is a bit shot on that side. Then with my next project I was back on the epic stuff again. Technological inventions are for engineers, not accomplishers! Us accomplishers have to aim higher! We have to find our calling.
INTERVIEWER
And yours was?
CLARA KNOFF
Singing.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Quite different to map making.
CLARA KNOFF
I was going to sing every possible melody in the universe!
INTERVIEWER
Roast my rump and serve it for Christmas! All the songs in the world?
CLARA KNOFF
No, no, no, not songs! Melodies.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
CLARA KNOFF
There are a huge number of melodies that no one has ever utilized for a song. That’s sad isn’t it? The unsung songs of the world... It was my task to liberate them from silence.
INTERVIEWER
How?
CLARA KNOFF
Scientifically! And with the utmost rigour! I made a system to keep track. I decided you had to have at least two notes to make a song. So the first song I sung was C - C.
CLARA SINGS THE TWO NOTES.
CLARA KNOFF
Then I sang all the variations of those two notes.
CLARA SINGS SHORT C - LONG C, LONG C - SHORT C, SHORT C - SHORT C, LONG C - LONG C.
CLARA KNOFF
Then I slowly progressed, first all the combinations with two notes, C-D, C-E, C-F, C-G. You get the picture?
INTERVIEWER
You have a nice voice.
CLARA KNOFF
Thank you. Then I dealt with D: D-D, D-C, D-E, D-F, etcetera. Once that was done I moved on to three notes in a row, which already expands the number of melodies a lot. Then four notes… and so on.
INTERVIEWER
Where were you performing all these songs? I mean, melodies?
CLARA KNOFF
On the radio. I was transmitting on an unused FM-channel. I got completely obsessed by it. I quit my day job, so I had no income, but I used my social benefits on a machine that could feed me intravenously. Then I could sing all the time without taking breaks!
INTERVIEWER
Ah! What about loo breaks?
CLARA KNOFF
It’s absolutely possible to poo and sing at the same time.
INTERVIEWER
Ew!
CLARA KNOFF
I kept going for years!
INTERVIEWER
Eew!
CLARA KNOFF
Then at one point I lost my voice. Throat infection. Had to stop for nearly a month.
INTERVIEWER
I bet you felt desperate to get back to singing!
CLARA KNOFF
I did. And as soon I could make a sound, I started again.
INTERVIEWER
With the same rigour as before?
CLARA KNOFF
Not quite. You see, whilst I was sick I had time to do some calculations. How long would it actually take for me to sing every melody in the universe?
INTERVIEWER
I don’t know? How long would it take?
CLARA KNOFF
Well, the longest melody it would be possible for a human to listen to would last an entire human lifetime, right?
INTERVIEWER
Right.
CLARA KNOFF
So let’s say that’s, um, 120 years at most. But at the time, six years into my project, I was still working on songs that were under a minute and a half...
INTERVIEWER
You realized your project was doomed to fail.
CLARA KNOFF
You know what the worst thing was? Out of all the melodies I sung, there was only one that I actually liked!
INTERVIEWER
So you gave up?
CLARA KNOFF
I contemplated it. But when you have dedicated years of your life to something, it’s hard to just stop. Then in the end, the decision was made for me. Before I had the chance to pull the plug myself, the Russians arrived. One day, four men in balaclava’s storm my studio and chloroform me. When I wake up, I’m here, in Golovin.
INTERVIEWER
But... why?
CLARA KNOFF
The Russian Intelligence had intercepted my radio transmission. But they missed the introduction. To them, this seemingly random string of notes could only be one thing...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
CLARA KNOFF
A code!
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
CLARA KNOFF
(LAUGHS)
They tried to decipher it, and when they couldn’t, they came to get me.
INTERVIEWER
Why didn’t you tell them it was a misunderstanding?
CLARA KNOFF
I did! I kept explaining to Boris what I was doing, but he just laughed at me. He was like:
(MIMICKING BORIS)
“Half the people we bring here pretend to be crazy artist... You can drop the act!”
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Boris...
CLARA KNOFF
Instead he just kept asking what it meant and who it was for. In the end I got so tired of him asking the same questions over and over, I told him it was a secret transmission between the Faroe Islands and Bora Bora. I thought they’d find those countries so small they wouldn’t bother with me anymore.
INTERVIEWER
It didn’t work?
CLARA KNOFF
Yes and no. They gave up on asking me for the key to the melodies. Instead, Boris tells me to get started on a new code system. Says someone named Mikhael expects it in less than a year. Today it’s been eleven months and three weeks...
INTERVIEWER
Have you tried actually making a code?
CLARA KNOFF
So far I’ve suggested remote controlled toasters that burn messages onto your bread, or a line of cereal where the number of raisins in the pack denotes a letter. (SIGHS) I don’t have a clue what I’m doing! And Boris is getting impatient! He thinks I’m stalling, that I’m still in the pocket of the Polynesians. If I don’t deliver something by the end of the week, they’re gonna reverse Rapunzel me!
INTERVIEWER
Reverse Ra - ?
CLARA KNOFF
Put me in the basement!
INTERVIEWER
Right. Well, it’s a good thing you came to me, then, isn't it. Hah. We are going to get you out of this, and I already know how!
CLARA KNOFF
Really?
INTERVIEWER
It’s obvious. You must have an accident whilst performing a great feat!
CLARA KNOFF
Like what? There aren’t that many feats you can perform in a prison.
INTERVIEWER
Balderdash! What about peeling potatoes?
CLARA KNOFF
Oh yeah. Or human pyramids!
INTERVIEWER
Potatoes are better. You will come back in here tomorrow morning to break the Golovin potato peeling record. Your plan is to single-handedly peel 100 kilos of potatoes. But as you’re peeling the very last one, you’re so tired your hand slips, and you cut yourself with the potato peeler. You can use your red pen!
CLARA KNOFF
I’m going to bleed to death from cutting myself on a potato peeler, using red ink for blood? But... Will anyone buy that? Isn’t it... completely unrealistic?
INTERVIEWER
No, no, no. You won’t bleed to death! You’ll get blood poisoning! You’ll use the red pen to trace your blood vessels, making them look infected. When you leave here tomorrow, you’ll have only a small wound. It’s nothing to worry about - but make sure everyone knows. Then the next day, you call Boris to your cell, saying you don’t feel too well. Right before Boris checks on you, exercise vigorously. That will increase your body temperature to make it seem like you have a fever, plus you’ll be exhausted and out of breath. Shiver like a Scotsman’s knackers in gale winds, and the look will be complete. Once Boris sees your infected veins, he’ll put two and two together and send you straight to hospital!
CLARA KNOFF
I should probably make my hair messy... and rub soot under my eyes to look more sickly!
INTERVIEWER
Gaha! Perfect!
CLARA KNOFF
I’m a bit nervous. I’ve never done anything like this before. Good thing I love a challenge!
INTERVIEWER
Once you arrive at the hospital you’ll have a very short window. You have to escape before the real doctors check on you. First chance you get, climb out of a window and run.
CLARA KNOFf
I can do that. I guess the next step is leaving Clara Knoff behind. Any tips on how to create a fake identity?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, don’t worry, we’ll sort that out.
CLARA KNOFF
How? There’s no way you can do that from in here!
INTERVIEWER
Oooh, don’t be silly! Amelia has contacts all around the world. Even if I’m in here, they haven’t disappeared! Hah! Well, a lot of them have, but that’s not the point. Just tell them that I sent you and it will all be taken care of. In fact, I think I have the perfect new life for you!
CLARA KNOFF
Really?
INTERVIEWER
I think you should go back to singing!
CLARA KNOFF
What?
INTERVIEWER
My friend Sigge Josephson is head of the University of Uddevalla. They currently have an open spot as a research fellow in experimental musicology!
CLARA KNOFF
A university...
INTERVIEWER
You can be inspired by the work of the great Clara Knoff and pick up where she left off! If you settle on singing songs that are under six minutes, you might even finish the project in your lifetime.
CLARA KNOFF
Does this university have IT studies?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm, probably. Why?
CLARA KNOFF
That opens new possibilities! I could work with the IT students to make a computer program that creates all the melodies! And then come up with some sort of algorithm that determines what is a nice melody, and what is rubbish! This is great!
INTERVIEWER
I get the feeling you’ll be very happy in Uddevalla!
CLARA KNOFF
How can I ever pay you back?
INTERVIEWER
Clara, you don’t have to. It has been an honour helping you. Your nipple book has been a source of immense inspiration to me for years. This is me paying you back!
CLARA KNOFF
But -
INTERVIEWER
I wish you all the luck discovering your ultimate feat. May you soon join the ranks of Earhart and Armstrong!
CLARA KNOFF
You know what... I think I have found my ultimate feat already.
INTERVIEWER
Really? Is it the singing? Or the potatoes?
CLARA KNOFF
Neither. Escaping a Russian high security prison using nothing but a potato peeler and a red pen. Haha! Now that is a feat!
INTERVIEWER
Such a shame no one will ever know...
CLARA KNOFF
I’m not doing it for fame, remember? I’m doing it for me.
INTERVIEWER
I think we should toast to that! Shame, there’s nothing in here to toast with... Oh! I raise a peeled potato! To doing it for you!
CLARA KNOFF
To doing it for you! I really wish I could pay you something though...
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I have an idea. Why don’t you sing for me?
CLARA KNOFF
Really?
INTERVIEWER
You have a lovely voice.
CLARA KNOFF
What should I sing?
INTERVIEWER
The one melody you actually liked.
CLARA KNOFF
Oh yeah... That one. Let’s see if I remember it...
(CLEARS HER THROAT PREPARING TO SING.)
END THEME TUNE
PHILIP
This Patreon bonus episode was written and edited by Oystein Brager with story editing by Philip Thorne. The sound design was by Zachary Fortais-Gomm with music and sound supervision by Fredrik Baden. The episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Karin Heimdal as Clara Knoff, Alexander Mercury as Oleg, Alex Scott-Fairley as Ant and Eli Hamada McIlveen as Hiroshi. Also featuring Harald Rosenstrøm, Arturo Tovar and Samantha Lawson as inmates. Thank you to Steinar Borgen and Dominic Hargreaves for engineering assistance. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphc design by Anders Pedersen.
EPILOGUE
CLARA KNOFF
(SINGING)
A song of British nipples
I said there were a thousand but I lied
There was only ninehundredandninetynine
Cause one of them was a mole
THE END.