FINALE OF SEASON 5: DEAR DAWN, MANY DEATHS II
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Lydia Ames, who will fall of Whitby pier, and come back as a coffin maker on the Isle of Lewis.
Thank you to Lydia, and thank you to all our patrons who keep this show alive. If you’d like to become part of our patreon community, get early ad free access to episodes and bonus content, as well as supporting our team, go to ameliapodcast.com for more info. But for now, enjoy the episode.
PROLOGUE
MONMARTRE CEMETERY. EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING.
ALVINA
(CAN'T STOP LAUGHING)
INTERVIEWER
Alvina!
ALVINA
You were a druid! A druid! An actual druid!
INTERVIEWER
Ok, it's not that funny -
ALVINA
A druid! And you toppled stone henge!
INTERVIEWER
It was a very long time ago -
ALVINA
Yes! Three thousand years ago!
INTERVIEWER
Give or take.
ALVINA
You were a druid, three thousand years ago and you toppled stone henge!!!
INTERVIEWER
Can we please let bygones be bygones -
ALVINA
A druid! A druid! An actual cloak and staff getafix druid! Did you have a beard! I bet you had a beard! A really really really long beard! How long was your beard?
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, being a druid was a very solemn and sacred thing back then.
ALVINA
Exactly! And then you go and topple -
INTERVIEWER
Yes yes, I think we've got that now.
ALVINA
A clumsy druid!
INTERVIEWER
Don't make me regret telling you that story.
THEME TUNE.
MAIN EPISODE.
INTERVIEWER
You've stopped making fun of me?
ALVINA
I wasn't making fun of you.
INTERVIEWER
No?
ALVINA
Not at all. It's just -
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
You're such a strange man.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
Beat
In a good way?
ALVINA
In a good way.
(PAUSE. FIRST SOUNDS OF THE CITY AROUND WAKING UP)
ALVINA
The sun is rising.
INTERVIEWER
So it is.
ALVINA
We've been here for almost ten hours.
(SHEBA MEOWS)
INTERVIEWER
What are you thinking?
ALVINA
Remember following the cat here?
INTERVIEWER
You alright Sheba?
(SHEBA MEOWS AGAIN)
ALVINA
Walking down Rue Lepic?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes.(SINGS) "Vers Montmartre, là-haut, vers ses moulins si beaux, ses moulins tout là-haut, Rue Lepic!"
ALVINA
Seems more than ten hours ago, doesn't it?
INTERVIEWER
I'm sorry. I did go on a bit.
ALVINA
Oh no. I could sit here for another ten hours. More.
INTERVIEWER
Really? You must be getting very hungry. We finished the scones ages ago...
ALVINA
I had the last one when you were telling the punk story.
INTERVIEWER
So you haven't eaten since 1979!
(THEY BOTH CHUCKLE)
ALVINA
What's it like?
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
To live so long?
INTERVIEWER
A constant string of goodbyes.
ALVINA
You mean...?
INTERVIEWER
Dubhtach, Iovianus and Silvanus, Julius and Salvidius, Solomon, Guido and Santino, Barker, Giohanni and Seraphino, Poquelin, Johannes and Salvacione, Jack Boyd, Luigi, Buttercup, Carl Granton, Joe and Salinger, Jan, Olaf. Martha.
ALVINA
Oh. Somehow I thought - I don't know, it's just, your accomplices were never really a big part of your stories.
INTERVIEWER
I've had so many teams over the years...
ALVINA
The focus always seemed to be on you and Kozlowski.
INTERVIEWER
Well, Kozlowski is the only constant. The others come and go. It's hard to keep track sometimes. But I miss them. They were an important part of the Brotherhood. We couldn't do it on our own. You know that better than anyone Alvina.
ALVINA
I... Wait...
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Is this... a thank you for the case files?
INTERVIEWER
Well case files is taking things a bit far, we never did case files before, but -
ALVINA
But just imagine all your stories neatly indexed and colour coded with sticky tabs, and -
INTERVIEWER
There were no sticky tabs in 700 BC.
ALVINA
Oh yeah. (QUOTING) "Druids never keep records!"
INTERVIEWER
That's right.
ALVINA
Druid! Clumsy, chaotic druid!
INTERVIEWER
I thrive on a certain degree of chaos. As does Itthobal. But I do appreciate that we rely on people with... a different approach... Martha taught us that.
BEAT.
You would make a good Martha one day.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
You remind me of her. Strong. Stubborn. Scary.
ALVINA
Scary?
INTERVIEWER
A bit.
ALVINA
I'm anything but! I'm one sixty three!
INTERVIEWER
Remember back in London when I was being threatened by a mafia boss?
ALVINA
Tony Di Pasqua, of course!
INTERVIEWER
And you came into my office and shot him stone dead?
ALVINA
How could I forget? I saved your life!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES)
ALVINA
Or...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
I always thought I saved your life... But actually I didn't, did I?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ALVINA
Kozlowski was right there in the basement. He would have come in and revived you! Wouldn't he?
INTERVIEWER
It depends.
ALVINA
On what?
INTERVIEWER
Di Pasqua's shot. A shot to the heart or brain and there's nothing even Kozlowski or Patience could have done.
ALVINA
I'll cling to my victory then! It's one of my two proudest moments.
INTERVIEWER
What's the other?
ALVINA
When I got Amelia and myself out of those smart coffins! (SHE LAUGHS)
(PAUSE. IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR GRAVEDIGGERS AT WORK)
Hear that?
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
Singing quietly
"A pickaxe and a spade, a spade, For and a shrouding sheet: O, a pit of clay for to be made For such a guest is meet."
ALVINA
Bit early for gravediggers isn't it?
INTERVIEWER
The early shift is for anonymous burials, or burials without a ceremony or mourners.
ALVINA
That's sad.
(PAUSE)
Look.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
The gravestone. It's so full of names now. And dates.
INTERVIEWER
My many deaths.
ALVINA
Lord Darrell Arthur Duppa, that's the time you were shot by arrows in 1871... Then up there that's... well I can't read the name...
INTERVIEWER
It's Insular script. Or Merovingian? I can't remember.
ALVINA
Must be 537, the time Kozlowski stabbed you in that tavern...
INTERVIEWER
A perfect illustration of what happens when we are left to our own devices.
ALVINA
And 700 BC... That must be from your nomad period in the desert...
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Death by collapsing temple. Landed right on my temples.
ALVINA
Ah yes, you mentioned that. But what about this? 834?
INTERVIEWER
That would be my brush with the bubonic plague.
ALVINA
You died of the bubonic plague?
INTERVIEWER
Briefly.
ALVINA
Wait, 834? This must have happened during the Queen Basilia story.
INTERVIEWER
Correct.
ALVINA
Why didn't you tell me about that?
INTERVIEWER
Well Basilia spanned four decades, so I had to focus on the important bits.
ALVINA
And you dying wasn't an important bit?
INTERVIEWER
I was only out for a few minutes.
ALVINA
Hang on... there's another death... 835.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. The bubonic plague.
ALVINA
I thought that was 834?
INTERVIEWER
And 835.
ALVINA
You died of the bubonic plague twice?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
Within two years?
INTERVIEWER
It was very contagious!
ALVINA
Wasn't the whole point in the Basilia story that Kozlowski simulated the plague?
INTERVIEWER
You know he's a perfectionist, Alvina.
ALVINA
Meaning?
INTERVIEWER
He sent me to Sienna so I could study its symptoms.
ALVINA
That's reckless!
INTERVIEWER
I came back to report on what I'd seen, but in the end my report wasn't necessary. He could study my oozing blisters, festering boils and blackening skin firsthand!
ALVINA
Unbelievable!
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Something has just struck me...
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Do you think that's the real reason he sent me to Sienna? To catch the plague and become a case study?
ALVINA
Tch! You think?
INTERVIEWER
I do! Oh! Oh oh oh! When I see you again I have a bone to pick with you Mr Kozlowski! We need to talk about the year 834!
ALVINA
And 835.
INTERVIEWER
835 was my own fault. Ill advised trip to Avignon to partake in the Feast of Fools. But Sienna... When I see you Kozlowski I'm going to... I'm going to... I'm going to...
ALVINA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Hug you.
ALVINA
You must miss him so much.
INTERVIEWER
I do.
ALVINA
Wherever he is, I'm sure he's thinking of you.
INTERVIEWER
There's someone else too.
ALVINA
Hm?
INTERVIEWER
Lorraine.
ALVINA
Yes. Maybe we should call her, no?
INTERVIEWER
I already have. Several times.
ALVINA
Really? When? Oh wait, is that why you took your phone? I was so surprised. You never take your phone!
INTERVIEWER
I hoped she'd call me back.
ALVINA
Maybe she will.
INTERVIEWER
It's been ten hours.
ALVINA
It's the middle of the night.
INTERVIEWER
We always talk in the middle of the night. Well, we used to.
BEAT.
She's angry.
ALVINA
Angry?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. With me.
ALVINA
What? Why?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS)
ALVINA
Why haven't you told me the story of Lorraine? That seems like a story worth telling! Why did you miss that one out? Who is she?
INTERVIEWER
You know Lorraine Alvina! She's my -
ALVINA
I know I know, she's your niece, but who is she really? And why is she angry with you?
INTERVIEWER
Some stories are too painful to tell.
ALVINA
You've told me sad stories. You told me about Joan and Basilia... and Martha!
INTERVIEWER
This wound is still fresh.
ALVINA
It's a recent story. I get it. But without it I don't think this night is complete.
INTERVIEWER
This night is over.
ALVINA
No!
INTERVIEWER
It's the morning. The birds are out. The gravediggers have started work.
ALVINA
A new day, a new story!
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
I can't tell this story because it isn't finished. I refuse for it to be finished. I have to see Lorraine again and bring it to an end. A good end.
ALVINA
Huh. Some things never change...
INTERVIEWER
Hm?
ALVINA
After tonight I feel I know you better than ever before, yet still you're a man of mystery.
INTERVIEWER
You're right...
ALVINA
Well, I guess as a druid you're entitled to a bit of mystery!
INTERVIEWER
No no, I mean what you said about knowing me. Apart from Itthobal, you probably know me better than anyone else.
ALVINA
What? Wait, really?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
What about Amelia? She didn't get the rundown?
INTERVIEWER
She did! But I'm not sure how much she remembers...
ALVINA
Why?
INTERVIEWER
Remember she took over on the eve of her grandmother's funeral?
ALVINA
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
Well, after Martha's wake, we gathered what booze was left, settled down in the drawing room at Plum Manor to tell her everything.
ALVINA
Right.
INTERVIEWER
But Itthobal and I kept arguing over the details: did we use piasters or ducats in Sicily, was the Small Fancy a clipper or a frigate, did we drink honey wine or mulled wine in Hamlin. Anyway, all these digressions rather distracted from the general thrust of the story...
ALVINA
Poor Amelia!
INTERVIEWER
Add to that three bottles of chardonnay from the wake, a keg of Guinness from the local pub gifted to Miss Plumb's Plumbing for fixing an overflowing urinal, and the last bottle of Martha's favourite Japanese whiskey...
ALVINA
I get it.
INTERVIEWER
But we did really bond that night!
ALVINA
And you didn't bring her up to speed later?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, a story here, a story there, but never like this. You know what office life is like. No sooner have you faked one client's death by freak hail, the next one's at the door demanding a snowstorm! There's just never any time!
ALVINA
Yes, I know that very well!
It's been really nice to have this time together.
(CATCHES HERSELF) I mean - I wish it wasn't, I don't mean - I -
INTERVIEWER
I know what you mean Alvina. And I've enjoyed it too.
ALVINA
You have?
INTERVIEWER
Very much.
ALVINA
Area 51, Miss Plum's Plumbing, Punk Britain, a secret submarine, Weimar Berlin, The Daily Phoenix, 221B Baker Street, the Wild West, Sicily, revolutionary France, the Seven Seas, a 17th century brothel, the Tower of London, Florence, Hamelin, Atlantis, a Medieval tavern, Rome, Athens, the Judean Desert, all the way to stone henge and a blazing wicker man... What a journey you've taken me on!
(SHEBA MEOWS)
INTERVIEWER
Did you enjoy it too Sheba?
He strokes the cat, talking to her.
What was your favourite story Sheba? The rat catcher? You liked the one about the rats did you? I bet you're a better rat catcher than I ever was...
Alvina? What is it now?
ALVINA
There's another one.
INTERVIEWER
Another what?
ALVINA
Date. Another date. On the gravestone.
INTERVIEWER
Well as I said, I didn't tell you about all my deaths. That would be impossible. I haven't told you how I accidentally got shot on the set of Goncharov in 1973 for example, or the time Sultan Mehmed had me executed in 1418 for seducing his wife. Although that would have been a good story to tell. Especially seeing as he wasn't married. But I had to make a selection. Otherwise this wouldn't take a night, but a year. And we don't have a year.
ALVINA
No. We don't.
INTERVIEWER
You're pale, Alvina.
ALVINA
Look at the date.
INTERVIEWER
I can't read it with all that moss.
ALVINA
28th March 2021.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
ALVINA
You know what day that is, right?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Today.
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
What does that mean?!
INTERVIEWER
You know what it means.
ALVINA
No!
INTERVIEWER
Paris. City of Light. So this is where the journey ends...
ALVINA
No!
INTERVIEWER
Alvina.
ALVINA
I won't let it happen! I won't!
INTERVIEWER
Alvina!
ALVINA
You're not ready!
INTERVIEWER
Nobody is ever ready. Not really.
ALVINA
But Lorraine! You still need to finish something, right? Right?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
And Kozlowski! You need to... give him a good ticking off about using you as the butt of a very irresponsible experiment, remember?
INTERVIEWER
I'll have to rely on you to provide the ticking off. You're good at those.
ALVINA
Stop it.
INTERVIEWER
(AFFECTIONATELY) I mean it.
ALVINA
So do I.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
I'm not going to let this happen!
INTERVIEWER
You can't argue with fate!
ALVINA
I beg to differ!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
We know at least one person who did just that!
INTERVIEWER
Who are you -
ALVINA
Give me a few hours!
INTERVIEWER
What?!
ALVINA
Stay here! Right here! On this bench!
INTERVIEWER
I thought I'd take one more stroll through Paris. Jardin Luxembourg. The Pantheon. Rue Mouffetard with its pretty cafes...
ALVINA
Too dangerous! We mustn't tempt fate! You could get hit by a bus! Collide with a moped. Slip on some dog shit!
INTERVIEWER
Dog shit?
ALVINA
I love dogs, but why don't people in this city clean up after their -
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, this isn't the moment to be complaining about -
ALVINA
Stay put.
INTERVIEWER
But -
ALVINA
Promise me that!
INTERVIEWER
But -
ALVINA
Promise! Do you promise?
INTERVIEWER
I... promise.
ALVINA
Good. I'll be as fast as I can.
INTERVIEWER
What are you going to do?
ALVINA
I have an idea.
She starts running.
INTERVIEWER
(CALLING AFTER HER) What's the idea, Alvina? What are you doing?
ALVINA
(CALLING BACK) Just stay put!
INTERVIEWER
What's she up to goddammit!?
(PAUSE. HE STROKES SHEBA)
(GENTLY TO THE CAT) Do you know what she's up to Sheba? No? At least you're still here to keep me company aren't you. You're not going anywhere are you. You'll keep me company won't you. Won't you...
(SHEBA PURRS)
Almost the end of season 5 - but not quite...
PIP
Join us again next week for Dear Dawn Many Deaths Part 2.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina and Alan Burgon as the INTERVIEWER. It was written by Philip Thorne with story editing by Oystein Ulsberg Brager, directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
It was recorded at RedP Studio in Vienna, with engineering by Arpad Hadnagy and Oliver Iles.
Thank you so much to all our Patreon and Apple Subscriptions supporters, without you The Amelia Project would disappear and reappear as prayer book for the Apostles of Antithon.
A shoutout to our wonderful super patrons, at the time of recording that’s:
Michayla Sullivan, Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timotheus, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada, Ent, Maks Jaromin, DJ Goodall, Captaincache, Nitali Arora, Sunny D Anomaly and Rocky.
More info about the team and how to support, as well as merch, transcripts and more, at ameliapodcast.com