FINALE OF SEASON 5: DEAR DAWN, MANY DEATHS II
PIP
This episode is dedicated to Sunny D Anomaly who will die by an Angry mob, will then miraculously reappear as themselves, long enough to give the world the hope it needs, only to vanish again mysteriously and reappear in Arizona as the proprietor of a cat and cactus farm called the Kitty Cactus
Thank you so much to Sunny D Anomaly, and to all our patrons and Apple Subscriptions members, who choose to support the work we do.
If you’d like to join their ranks, for as little as 5 dollars a month, go to ameliapodcast.com for more info.
But for now, enjoy the show.
PROLOGUE.
(MONMARTRE CEMETERY, A WHOLE DAY HAS PASSED SINCE THE LAST EPISODE AND IT IS NOW THE EVENING. THE INTERVIEWER IS ALONE ON THE BENCH, WEAK, TIRED, SLIPPING AWAY)
INTERVIEWER
(HALF MUMBLING, HALF SINGING)
Me oh my, me oh my...
(WE WHOOSH INSIDE THE INTERVIEWER'S HEAD)
MONSIEUR RÊVE
(CONTINUING THE CHANT)
I know when you're going to die.
INTERVIEWER
Monsieur Rêve?
MONSIEUR RÊVE
Bonjour mon ami. We meet again!
INTERVIEWER
Is this... the afterlife?
MONSIEUR RÊVE
Take a seat! Would you like the dentist's chair or the rocking horse?
INTERVIEWER
Where are we?
MONSIEUR RÊVE
Rue Merveille, left off Avenue Cauchemar. The purple door with the painted stars.
INTERVIEWER
So this is a dream?
MONSIEUR RÊVE
No monsieur.
INTERVIEWER
No?
MONSIEUR RÊVE
This is a memory.
INTERVIEWER
I remember you! I remember your case! I remember the Dream Emporium!
MONSIEUR RÊVE
But do you remember your premonition?
INTERVIEWER
What premonition?
MONSIEUR RÊVE
It was the dead of night and you were in an empty theatre looking out into a huge auditorium...
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes... I heard a sound...
MONSIEUR RÊVE
A gush of wind!
INTERVIEWER
Followed by the distinct smell of Limburger cheese...
MONSIEUR RÊVE
I think it was sweet aftershave.
INTERVIEWER
Is that significant?
MONSIEUR RÊVE
Go on.
INTERVIEWER
A spotlight in the middle of the auditorium. Propped up between the seats is... a mirror.
I know I must look into this mirror. I walk into the auditorium.
I close my eyes. Position myself. Open my eyes and look into the mirror!
MONSIEUR RÊVE
And? What do you see?
INTERVIEWER
I see...
FLASHBACK TO CAFÉ FLORIAN.
Venerio, is that you?
VENERIO
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
I like the new mask. Much jollier.
VENERIO
Until my next death I shall be Arlecchino.
END OF FLASHBACK.
INTERVIEWER
I see Venerio.
MONSIEUR RÊVE
Who is Venerio?
INTERVIEWER
A client. He was wearing his brightly colored outfit and his red and black mask. Smiling.
FLASHBACK TO CAFÉ FLORIAN.
VENERIO
How’s the cioccolata calda?
INTERVIEWER
Sips
Good.
Beat
Now it’s time for you to keep your part of the bargain.
END OF FLASHBACK.
MONSIEUR RÊVE
What was the bargain?
INTERVIEWER
He took me in his gondola. We rowed along the canals to his mask workshop...
IN VENERIO'S MASK WORKSHOP.
Venerio, your workshop gives me the shivers.
VENERIO
You don’t find it beautiful?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it’s very beautiful. It’s just... eerie. All these empty eyes staring at me...
VENERIO
The eyes are the mirrors to the soul.
INTERVIEWER
But a mask has no eyes.
VENERIO
That’s right. Only emptiness. A mask is nothing without its bearer... And yet, the bearer wears it to become no one...
(THE INTERVIEWER SHIVERS)
Now, show me your palm.
INTERVIEWER
Here you go.
VENERIO
I don’t understand this.
INTERVIEWER
What is it?
VENERIO
It can’t be - but it is.
INTERVIEWER
What?
VENERIO
Your life line. It is longer than mine.
INTERVIEWER
Well, that’s good news, isn’t it!
VENERIO
I have never met anyone with a lifespan that could compare to my own! Who are you? How old are you?
INTERVIEWER
Approximately 44. Give or take a few...
VENERIO
...hundred years?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, who counts!
VENERIO
This is extraordinary...
Interviewer
Like you, I’m not planning to die any time soon!
VENERIO
Are you sure about that?
Interviewer
What do you mean?
VENERIO
Normally I can predict death down to the second. But your life line - it is very curious.
(IN THE DISTANCE WE HEAR ALVINA ARRIVING. SHE'S PANTING)
INTERVIEWER
How so?
VENERIO
It splits in two. One long, but faint - very faint. The other short, but very clear.
Interviewer
What does that mean?
VENERIO
You could still live for a very long time.
Interviewer
Great!
VENERIO
But most probably, you will die… very soon.
Interviewer
(GULP)
BACK IN THE CEMETERY.
(ALVINA IS NOW BESIDE THE INTERVIEWER)
ALVINA
Arthur! Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
(WAKES FROM HIS REVERIE WITH A JOLT) Ah! You scared me Alvina!
ALVINA
Are you alright?
INTERVIEWER
Where the devil have you been? You said you would be quick!
ALVINA
I was as fast as I could, but -
INTERVIEWER
You left me at dawn, now it's dusk -
ALVINA
I'm sorry! There were a lot of things to gather...
INTERVIEWER
What is all this? Two spades, a crowbar, a jackhammer, a - is that a flamethrower?
ALVINA
Yup.
INTERVIEWER
Flamethrowers are illegal here.
ALVINA
Which is why I had to trek all the way out to Bois de Bologne with an envelope full of cash and negotiate with a charming gentleman wearing a balaclava.
INTERVIEWER
But what's it all for?
ALVINA
Oh. Isn't it obvious? We're faking your death.
THEME TUNE.
MAIN EPISODE
BACK TO THE CEMETERY:
INTERVIEWER
Faking my death? But that's -
ALVINA
Are you about to say impossible?
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
I die today.
ALVINA
No you don't.
INTERVIEWER
It's chiselled into that stone.
ALVINA
Along with a dozen other deaths, all of which you survived. Why can't you survive this one?
INTERVIEWER
You know why.
ALVINA
You're not going to fight?
INTERVIEWER
Against fate?
ALVINA
Faith Griffith! Venerio! We've done it before.
INTERVIEWER
Venerio... I was just thinking about him...
ALVINA
There's precedent for this!
INTERVIEWER
I am weak, Alvina. And tired. So very very tired.
ALVINA
We just need to buy you more time. Then we can get you to a hospital and -
INTERVIEWER
A hospital?
ALVINA
The best hospital in Paris!
INTERVIEWER
There's only one thing, one person who can save me.
ALVINA
I'm not giving up. I'm stubborn.
INTERVIEWER
I know you are.
ALVINA
I can out-stubborn you.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) What's your plan?
ALVINA
I thought you'd never ask!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not saying I approve, it's just...
ALVINA
Professional curiosity?
INTERVIEWER
Sure.
ALVINA
I'll take that. Okay, so remember those undertakers from this morning?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
I asked them who they were burying, and you'll never believe who it is!
INTERVIEWER
Who?
ALVINA
Professeur Pyromane!
INTERVIEWER
Who's that?
ALVINA
Oh come on, everyone's been talking about him! The retired history professor whose hobby is recreating famous fires.
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Wasn't he arrested in the UK several years ago after breaking into a bakery and attempting to recreate the Great Fire of London?
ALVINA
He's back in France. Last week he tried to recreate the Communards' torching of The Palais de Justice.
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear.
ALVINA
Luckily, or unluckily for his fans, the only thing he set fire to was himself.
INTERVIEWER
He's got fans?
ALVINA
A whole bunch of fire and history enthusiasts. They gathered on Place de la Republique yesterday to light a commemorative bonfire. The authorities were scared they'd come to his grave and start a firework display, which is why they buried him at the crack of dawn.
INTERVIEWER
Huh. What a character. Too bad he's dead. I would like to have interviewed him.
ALVINA
He really was quite clumsy. I caught a glimpse of his charred corpse, and lets just say, I skipped my morning croissant after that.
INTERVIEWER
Why are you telling me this?
ALVINA
Why do you think?
INTERVIEWER
You want the charred remains of the batty professor to be my stand-in?
ALVINA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
There's no time to be choosy.
INTERVIEWER
Okay... Continue...
ALVINA
I tried to bribe the undertakers -
INTERVIEWER
You what?
ALVINA
But they refused.
INTERVIEWER
Phew.
ALVINA
Which is why I bought this!
INTERVIEWER
A crowbar... You're going to... to dig him up?!
ALVINA
Oh, like you've never dug up a corpse before!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not judging. It's just not really your domain is it? We leave grave robberies to -
ALVINA
If Joey and Salvatore were here, I'd be delighted to let them do the shoveling while I kick back with some index stickers, highlighters and a nice cup of Empress Grey. But they're not.
(SHE DEMONSTRATIVELY THWACKS A SPADE INTO THE GROUND)
So I'm doing this.
INTERVIEWER
Cracking open a coffin?
ALVINA
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
Sighs
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
We've been a bad influence on you.
ALVINA
Let me remind you that before we met I preserved my dead boyfriend's body with quicklime. If the cause is right, I can stomach a bit of gore.
INTERVIEWER
Spoken like a true death faker.
ALVINA
Now, while I dig, you take your clothes off and set them on fire.
INTERVIEWER
Wait, what?
ALVINA
Burn them to rags.
INTERVIEWER
Why?
ALVINA
Because we have to dress the corpse, or what's left of it, in the remnants of your clothes.
INTERVIEWER
You want me to strip naked in the middle of a graveyard?
ALVINA
Is that a problem?
INTERVIEWER
It's disrespectful.
ALVINA
So digging up corpses is ok, but taking your clothes off -
INTERVIEWER
I have to draw the line somewhere. I'm not getting naked in a graveyard.
ALVINA
We don't have the luxury for scruples!
INTERVIEWER
Once again: spoken like a death faker. I'm proud of you Alvina.
ALVINA
I learned from the best. Come on, off with the kit.
(ALVINA STARTS PULLING THE INTERVIEWER'S JACKET OFF)
INTERVIEWER
Relax!
ALVINA
Don't worry, you won't be naked for long.
(ALVINA REACHES INTO HER BACKPACK AND STARTS PULLING SOMETHING OUT)
INTERVIEWER
What is that?
ALVINA
On my way back here I met a Buddhist monk, and unlike the undertakers, he did accept my money.
INTERVIEWER
I'm going to be a monk?
ALVINA
A Buddhist monk. Catch.
(SHE THROWS THE ROBES AT THE INTERVIEWER. HE CATCHES THEM)
INTERVIEWER
But -
ALVINA
Just so you can slink out of here undetected. After that I promise I'll get you another three piece suit -
INTERVIEWER
No, Alvina, you do not "slink away" in bright orange robes!
ALVINA
Hear me out -
INTERVIEWER
A disguise is meant to be inconspicuous! A Buddhist monk in a Christian graveyard, is anything but. I might as well play the bagpipes while juggling bananas and balancing a light sabre on my nose.
ALVINA
In ordinary circumstances yes, but we're not dealing with your average Larry here are we?
INTERVIEWER
You mean Joe?
ALVINA
Joey? What about him?
INTERVIEWER
No no no, I mean the expression isn't "your average Larry", it's "your average Joe."
ALVINA
I've always said Larry.
INTERVIEWER
Why Larry?
ALVINA
As in "every Tom, Dick and Larry."
INTERVIEWER
No no no! It's "Tom, Dick and Harry!"
ALVINA
Really? Ok, so we're not dealing with your average Harry here are we?
INTERVIEWER
Sighs
ALVINA
What I'm saying is, our opponent is Death!
INTERVIEWER
Yes...
ALVINA
So we have to put ourselves into the mind of Death.
INTERVIEWER
How do we do that?
ALVINA
Well first we have to ask ourselves who or what Death is exactly.
INTERVIEWER
serious
Oh... you mean, like, is he a hooded figure with a scythe, or a ferryman, or a black jackal...
ALVINA
Yes...
INTERVIEWER
Or a penguin...
ALVINA
Or maybe... maybe something more intangible?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ALVINA
What if rather than seeing you, he senses you... senses your soul?
INTERVIEWER
Um...
ALVINA
You see, in that case, rather than covering up your physique, we'd need to cover up your aura.
INTERVIEWER
Okay...
ALVINA
Which is why I chose spiritual garments.
INTERVIEWER
I do like that thought process...
ALVINA
Did you know that Lord Buddha's aura is said to have radiated 3,500km from where he stood?
INTERVIEWER
Wonderful man.
ALVINA
Yes. Wait, what?
INTERVIEWER
But you can't compare Lord Buddha with a guy who exchanges his kasaya for cash. This monk of yours doesn't seem very spiritual. I doubt his aura has left any kind of imprint on this garment.
ALVINA
Crap, you're right.
INTERVIEWER
But the approach is good.
ALVINA
It is?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. In order to defeat your opponent you must know him. Sun Tzu, The Art of War.
ALVINA
Did you know Sun Tzu too?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS HEARTILY) Don't be ridiculous!
BEAT.
Yes. Yes I did.
ALVINA
Right. So let's think! What do we know about Death.
INTERVIEWER
He can come in many forms...
ALVINA
Meaning?
INTERVIEWER
Let me think... Dullahan, the headless horseman, with pale glowing skin and a twisted smile that stretches from ear to ear.
ALVINA
Shudders
INTERVIEWER
When he raises his severed head, his beady black eyes can spot his target from a great distance.
ALVINA
If we're dealing with Dullahan we're screwed.
INTERVIEWER
But maybe... maybe Death is a spindly blindfolded skeleton, stumbling randomly from victim to victim.
ALVINA
I prefer that.
INTERVIEWER
Or more pathetic still, Da Boandlgramer!
ALVINA
Who?
INTERVIEWER
The Bone Merchant. An old drunkard. I once watched a puppet show in Bavaria about a man who cheats Da Boandlgramer by getting him drunk.
ALVINA
I should have got booze!
INTERVIEWER
My point is, he can come in many guises.
ALVINA
Are we sure it's a he?
INTERVIEWER
No, you're right. There's Bean-Nighe, the washerwoman with webbed feet, who washes the bloodstained clothes of her next victim.
Or we might be dealing with a child...
ALVINA
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Tuonen tytti, the black-haired maiden who rows the deceased from shore to shore.
ALVINA
Tuonen tytti, Bean-Nighe, Dullahan...
INTERVIEWER
It would help if we used a less ominous name don't you think?
ALVINA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
A nickname.
ALVINA
A nickname for Death?
INTERVIEWER
Give your opponent a nickname! Not in The Art of War, but it should be. I suggested it to Sun Tzu but -
ALVINA
What do you have in mind?
INTERVIEWER
I don't know... something average...
ALVINA
Larry?
INTERVIEWER
I told you Alvina it's not Larry, it's - Oh, that's rather good actually.
Beat
I have an appointment with Larry.
ALVINA
When do we think Larry will appear?
INTERVIEWER
Well, the stone says today. And it's getting late. He's only got another three or four hours...
ALVINA
Yes, we have to hurry. But that's not what I meant. I meant do you think he arrives on the dot? The moment of death? Or a bit before, to witness the last moments?
INTERVIEWER
He has a hundred new appointments every minute. He can't possibly be punctual for every single one!
ALVINA
You're right... It's quite the caseload...
INTERVIEWER
Besides, when is the moment of death?
ALVINA
What do you mean? It's when... when life leaves the body?
INTERVIEWER
knowingly
M-hm...
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Did you know that the moment of death has been moved quite significantly in the last hundred years?
ALVINA
The moment of death has been moved? What does that mean?
INTERVIEWER
Well, a hundred years ago, humanity knew nothing about CPR, Heimlich, antibiotics. A hundred years ago, people were declared dead at a point when, had they lived today, they could still have been saved. Today, doctors routinely bring people back, not just from near death, but from beyond death!
ALVINA
Oh yes. You're right. I've heard people say that: "I was dead for several minutes, but the doctors brought me back."
INTERVIEWER
So when does Larry turn up then? And what is his job?
ALVINA
Well, if Larry is the soul collector...
INTERVIEWER
...he has to wait until the soul is ready to collect.
ALVINA
Which means he arrives after the fact. When revival is no longer possible.
INTERVIEWER
For a select few clients he might be early, hold their hand as they pass away. But for the majority, I reckon he shows up later, yes.
ALVINA
Damn!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
The soul!
INTERVIEWER
What about it.
ALVINA
What do we do about your soul?
INTERVIEWER
You're worried about the state of my soul?
ALVINA
I'm worried about the state of the professor's soul!
INTERVIEWER
Professor Pyromane?
ALVINA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Well, I fear he may be going straight to Hell. On the bright side, he might like it. Lots of fire.
ALVINA
No no, I mean, do you think Larry has collected it yet?
INTERVIEWER
Well I don't think they're going to revive him... No amount of CPR is going to bring back a body that's burned to cinders.
ALVINA
Because if we use the professor's corpse as your replacement, but Larry has already collected the soul...
INTERVIEWER
he'll get suspicious when he finds my soul-less body! Crumbs! You might be right Alvina...
ALVINA
What is a soul exactly?
INTERVIEWER
Lost in thought
Hmm...
ALVINA
Can we fake one?
INTERVIEWER
Lost in thought
Hmm...
ALVINA
Arthur?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Sorry. Lost in thought.
ALVINA
So you have an idea?
INTERVIEWER
No no, I was thinking about Disney.
ALVINA
Disney?!
INTERVIEWER
Walt.
ALVINA
I'm contemplating the nature of the soul, and you're thinking about Disney?!
INTERVIEWER
More specifically, his soul.
ALVINA
Walt Disney's soul?
INTERVIEWER
Has Larry collected that do you think?
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
I mean, with Walt being cryogenically frozen and all...
ALVINA
Oh... I see...
INTERVIEWER
Would Larry risk taking the soul of someone who might not be dead? Even if he has been not-alive for decades?
ALVINA
If Walt wakes up only to find his soul has already crossed the Styx, that would create quite an administrative hassle. I could imagine Larry's superior would not be pleased...
INTERVIEWER
Poor Larry! The job has become so much more complicated.
ALVINA
Maybe he has helpers now. Someone who organizes his calendar, plots in new appointments, ticks off old ones, does background checks on clients to make sure they really are dead -
INTERVIEWER
In other words... an Alvina.
ALVINA
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Well, if you find yourself in need of a new job after this -
ALVINA
Oh no!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
I guess he really does have helpers! Hordes of them! And they're all... They're all just like...
INTERVIEWER
You?
ALVINA
...Me! We are doomed!
INTERVIEWER
Now now. Don't oversell yourself.
ALVINA
Ahem.
INTERVIEWER
Okay you're right. If his assistants are like you, we don't stand a snowball's chance in hell.
ALVINA
NOTHING gets past his Alvinas!
INTERVIEWER
But!
ALVINA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
We don't know his helpers will be Alvinas. They might be... Joeys.
ALVINA
Joeys? Yes! They might be Joeys!
INTERVIEWER
In which case we could walk past with a megaphone shouting: "We're faking this death!" and he still wouldn't notice.
ALVINA
He would probably be asleep.
INTERVIEWER
Probably.
ALVINA
God, I miss Joey.
Beat
But do we really want to bet everything on it being a Joey death-helper coming to gather your soul?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
No.
INTERVIEWER
So it's back to square one.
ALVINA
Right.
So where were we?
INTERVIEWER
What is a soul?
ALVINA
Beats me. Argh. Why didn't I pay attention at Sunday School?
INTERVIEWER
Maybe we can get out of it. What if we claim the soul has already been taken?
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
We leave a piece of parchment in my coffin, declaring that my soul has already been claimed by Satan.
ALVINA
(GRUNTS, UNCONVINCED)
INTERVIEWER
Do you have a better idea?
ALVINA
I've just remembered something.
INTERVIEWER
Oh?
ALVINA
I might not have paid attention at Sunday School, but I did pay attention to your stories.
INTERVIEWER
Go on...
ALVINA
Remember when you were telling me about Mary Queen of Scots?
INTERVIEWER
Ah yes... I loved being the raven master at the Tower of London...
ALVINA
The ravens!
INTERVIEWER
Go on...
ALVINA
Didn't you tell me that ravens are the souls of murder victims?
INTERVIEWER
Well feather this yeoman and call me an omen! I did! You're such a good listener Alvina!
ALVINA
Do you think we can get a raven to stand in for your soul? I mean, you speak Raven right? And you seemed very friendly with -
INTERVIEWER
Say no more! I can get Charon over there -
ALVINA
His name is Charon?
INTERVIEWER
His name is (SPEAKS RAVEN), but that is too hard to say, so I named him Charon.
ALVINA
Right.
INTERVIEWER
I can get Charon over there to stand over my dead body. When Larry comes to collect my soul, Charon looks him in the eye -
ALVINA
- indicating in raven-like fashion that he is in fact your soul!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly.
(THEY BOTH LAUGH)
ALVINA
And you're sure Charon will help us?
INTERVIEWER
For a decent bribe.
ALVINA
Back at the office we have Euros, Dollars, Vietnamese Dong, Kuwati Dinars...
INTERVIEWER
Why don't you offer him the Virgin Mary coin from Palau with the microscopic vial of holy water?
ALVINA
Uh -
INTERVIEWER
Or the 2007 Mongolian 500 Tugrik coin with the picture of John F. Kennedy and a button you can press to hear a snippet of his "Ich bin ein Berliner" speech?
ALVINA
I mean I'm sure I could -
INTERVIEWER
Or a Rai stone from the island of Yap with a diameter of 12 feet weighing up to eight tons?
ALVINA
If you just give me an hour -
(WAIT-) Eight tons? Are we still talking about a coin?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
I would need a truck.
BEAT.
Are these real currencies?
INTERVIEWER
They are - or were.
ALVINA
Well, I better get going. There are a few coin shops down Rue Vivienne, I'm sure one of them will have - well, maybe not the eight ton one, but -
INTERVIEWER
Alvina.
ALVINA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
Do you think you can bribe a raven with money?
ALVINA
I don't know, you're the raven expert!
INTERVIEWER
Of course you can't. Don't be silly.
ALVINA
Well until recently I thought the idea of talking to ravens was silly, so by this point I just figure: anything goes!
INTERVIEWER
Ravens don't need money.
ALVINA
Okay, I feel stupid now. So what do they need?
INTERVIEWER
Food.
ALVINA
Like?
INTERVIEWER
Small mammals. Berries. Eggs.
ALVINA
I could whip up a mouse-and-blackberry-omelet?
INTERVIEWER
That's more like it.
ALVINA
Will you talk to Charon while I dig?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. But first I want to know the rest.
ALVINA
The rest of what?
INTERVIEWER
The plan!
ALVINA
Haven't we covered everything?
INTERVIEWER
I'm pretty sure there's something you've omitted.
ALVINA
I don't think -
INTERVIEWER
Something rather crucial?
ALVINA
What are you referring -
INTERVIEWER
The Flamethrower!
ALVINA
Right.
BEAT.
What about it?
INTERVIEWER
What do you intend to do with it?
ALVINA
Isn't it obvious?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
Since we're using the professor's charred remains, we need you to burn. Fake-burn.
INTERVIEWER
That part is clear.
ALVINA
I know it's a bit cheap and we generally pride ourselves in more bespoke fakeries, but since Kozlowski isn't here to craft a passable likeness -
INTERVIEWER
There's nothing wrong with a disfigured corpse. It's a perfectly respectable hack for the time-pressured death faker.
ALVINA
So what's the problem?
INTERVIEWER
How exactly do you intend to fake my incineration?
ALVINA
Oh.
INTERVIEWER
Let's say Larry turns up early. What does he see?
ALVINA
Me running at you with the flamethrower?
INTERVIEWER
Why?
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
You know what I mean Alvina. Every death has a story.
ALVINA
We're... having an argument!
INTERVIEWER
Bit vague.
ALVINA
You cheated on me!
INTERVIEWER
I'm ninety times your age!
ALVINA
You cheated me out of an inheritance!
INTERVIEWER
So you come after me with a flamethrower?
ALVINA
(UNCONVINCED) If it's a big inheritance...
INTERVIEWER
In a graveyard?
ALVINA
So the story needs a bit of finessing.
INTERVIEWER
Enough to convince Afterlife Alvina when she compiles my case file!
ALVINA
I get your point...
INTERVIEWER
And that's just the cover story. How do we ensure I don't end up like an over-seared brisket?
ALVINA
Look. I was focused on gathering enough cash, riding the metro to Bois Bologne without getting pick-pocketed, pepper-spraying the thugs who tried to rip me off, and returning to Monmarte with a flamethrower surreptitiously tucked under my jacket. I didn't have time to think beyond that.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
ALVINA
I was hoping you might have an idea?
INTERVIEWER
(DISAPPROVING GRUNT)
ALVINA
I mean you have had well over two thousand years of experience.
INTERVIEWER
(SLIGHTLY LESS DISAPPROVING GRUNT)
ALVINA
And you are the best in the business.
INTERVIEWER
I am! Not that naked mole rat!
ALVINA
Focus.
INTERVIEWER
Luckily I have an idea.
ALVINA
You do?
INTERVIEWER
It's a stretch.
ALVINA
More than bribing a raven to stand in for your soul?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
Then let me hear it.
INTERVIEWER
I'll be one of Professeur Pyromane's fans.
ALVINA
Of course! Why didn't I think of that!
INTERVIEWER
It's not such a stretch - I do believe he was an artiste! Even if his ethics were a bit unclear...
ALVINA
So - you're a fan...
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Having found his grave, I want to honor the arsonist academic by standing beside it and blazing the initials PP high into the night sky.
ALVINA
That's bound to attract attention.
INTERVIEWER
Which we want. What is a death without witnesses?
ALVINA
As long as you don't hurt yourself.
INTERVIEWER
I know my way round a flamethrower.
ALVINA
You do?
INTERVIEWER
Remember our 19th century gadget-man Luigi who built the fire-breathing serpent for The Magic Flute?
ALVINA
The serpent you used to fake that glass harmonicist's death, yes.
INTERVIEWER
When we left Naples we had to leave the serpent behind, but we extracted the flamethrower and took it with us. It was great for protection. And pranks.
ALVINA
Pranks?
INTERVIEWER
I used to jump out at Kozlowski and cover him in flames!
ALVINA
What?!
INTERVIEWER
Harmless fun... Ah, good times...
ALVINA
Harmless??
INTERVIEWER
You know how he reacts to fire!
ALVINA
With caution!
INTERVIEWER
Yes... You're right, he did find it quite annoying. He threw the flamethrower overboard during our first voyage to America in 1838.
ALVINA
And was that the last time you used a flamethrower? 1838?
INTERVIEWER
I'll be fine Alvina. More than fine. I'll be spectacular!
ALVINA
Alright, what next?
INTERVIEWER
I tear through the graveyard like a maniac, shooting pillars of fire into the black night. Until...
ALVINA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
I stumble.
ALVINA
Oh no.
INTERVIEWER
And tumble straight into a freshly dug grave. My own grave. One last blazing beam of fire shoots up from the grave, illuminating the cemetery for a few fiery seconds. Then all is still.
Beat
When Larry peers into the grave, he finds the flamethrower beside the charred remains of the poor professor. A raven flutters overhead...
ALVINA
And you'll be...?
INTERVIEWER
I'll dig myself a small cavity in which to hide.
ALVINA
Wait, you're doing the digging?
INTERVIEWER
I'll dig my own grave while you dig up the professor's.
ALVINA
You sure you've got the strength? You said you were tired.
INTERVIEWER
This conversation is giving me energy! Besides, you know I make a fine gravedigger!
ALVINA
(SINGS, IMITATING ARTHUR)
"A pickaxe and a spade"
INTERVIEWER
(SINGS)
"A spade!"
ALVINA
(SINGS)
"For and a shrouding sheet."
ALVINA & THE INTERVIEWER
(SING)
"Oh a pit of clay to be made, for such a guest is meeeeeeeeeeeet!"
(ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER CHUCKLE. PAUSE)
ALVINA
Are you sure you have the strength? This grave will require effort. It's not a theatre grave.
INTERVIEWER
I've dug plenty of real graves too.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Julius and Salvidius, Johannes and Salvacione, Jack Boyd, Luigi -
ALVINA
Your employees?
INTERVIEWER
Friends.
ALVINA
You buried them yourself?
INTERVIEWER
Well, their existence was off the books. We couldn't risk handing them over to a priest or undertaker.
ALVINA
So... So that means...
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
You'll bury me one day.
INTERVIEWER
Don't be silly Alvina.
ALVINA
I'm not. I'm being serious.
INTERVIEWER
Even if I get through this night -
ALVINA
Which you will!
INTERVIEWER
I have accepted that Martha was right.
ALVINA
About what?
INTERVIEWER
But I do hope I get through this. I'm not ready. Not yet.
ALVINA
You will! We have a plan!
INTERVIEWER
A plan... Yes.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you for that.
ALVINA
For what?
INTERVIEWER
For giving my mind something to work on. I needed that distraction.
ALVINA
Wait, what do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
I enjoyed it.
ALVINA
But we're doing this, right?
(INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES)
Arthur! We are doing this!
INTERVIEWER
Talking to ravens and digging up graves and shooting fire beams into the sky?
ALVINA
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
I love a crazy plan. A crazy story. It's what I live for.
ALVINA
Wait are you saying...?
INTERVIEWER
Come on Alvina.
ALVINA
I know it's crazy, but we've done crazy before! Many times!
INTERVIEWER
I'm tired.
ALVINA
But you said, you just said you were feeling better, you said -
INTERVIEWER
Listen -
ALVINA
No you listen, you listen Mr Interviewer. You can't die. Not yet. People need you. I need you. What about Lorraine?
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
I'm afraid it is too late.
ALVINA
Nonsense!
INTERVIEWER
No Alvina...
ALVINA
Resist!
INTERVIEWER
I can't...
ALVINA
You can!
INTERVIEWER
Alvina...
ALVINA
You -
INTERVIEWER
Alvina listen.
ALVINA
But -
INTERVIEWER
Alvina!
ALVINA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
He's here.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
He's here.
ALVINA
Who? Who's here?
INTERVIEWER
Larry.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
He's behind you...
ALVINA
You're imagining things!
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
It's really not funny.
INTERVIEWER
He's...
ALVINA
Arthur!
INTERVIEWER
He's... He's huge!
(THE INTERVIEWER COLLAPSES)
ALVINA
(SCREAMS) Arthur!
MUSIC AND CREDITS.
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions.
This episode featured Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Tim Meredith as Monsieur Reve and Mario Vernazza as Venerio.
It was written and directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with sound design by Alexander Danner, music by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen and production assistance by Maty Parzival.
It was recorded at RedP Studio in Vienna, with engineering by Arpad Hadnagy and Oliver Iles.
This is the last episode of Season 5, we’ve come to the end of two thousand eight hundred years of Amelia Project history.
We’re now taking a bit of a break, before coming back with Season 6, and uncovering one of The Amelia Project’s other big secrets…
Making the new season will take a while, however, we won’t be disappearing completely, we have a bonus mini series in the works, as well as some other exciting things, the best way to keep up with all of that is by joining our Patreon community, you can become a free member just for updates, but if you choose to support us for just 5 dollars a month, you’ll get instant access to our big library of bonus content, get all future episodes early and ad-free, and all contributions go towards making the next season, so your help would be greatly appreciated!
Thank you to all our current patrons, and a shoutout to our magnanimous super patrons, at the time of recording that’s:
Michayla Sullivan, Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui, Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tim McMackin, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timotheus, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O’Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Blythe Varney, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniella Nissen, Matthew with Two T’s The First T is Silent, Kelsey Paige, Silas X, Isabella Arzeno, Geethebluesky, Canal Cryptid, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkheart, Atiyyah Makada, Ent, Maks Jaromin, DJ Goodall, Captaincache, Nitali Arora, Sunny D Anomaly and Rocky.
EPILOGUE
GRAVEYARD, WHERE WE LEFT OFF.
(ALVINA SPINS AROUND)
KOZLOWSKI
Why did he call me Larry?
END OF SEASON 5.