PIP
Hello and welcome to this bonus series that will be accompanying you over the next twelve days. If you’d like to listen ad free and support the show, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show.
Day 1 is dedicated to our patron Mr Squiggles, who will die in a washing machine, during the high spin laundry cycle in a 1 star yelp reviewed, coin operated laundromat. We will give him a new life as a full time cryptid. Thank you Mr Squiggles.
(MUSIC)
(THE INTERVIEWER IS IN THE KITCHEN, VIGOROUSLY CHOPPING, STIRRING, CLANKING AROUND POTS AND PANS. HE IS MAKING A CHRISTMAS CAKE. HE SINGS AS HE WORKS)
INTERVIEWER
(SINGS)
As I sat at my window one evening,
The letter man brought unto me
A little gilt-edged invitation,
Saying, Arthur, come over to tea.
Sure I knew that the Hooligans sent it,
So I went just for old friendship's sake,
And the first thing they gave me to tackle
Was a piece of Miss Hooligan's cake.
There were plums and prunes and cherries,
And citron and raisins and cinnamon too,
There was nutmeg, cloves, and berries,
And the crust it was nailed on with glue.
There were carraway seeds in abundance,
Sure 'twould build up a fine stomachache,
'Twould kill a man twice after eating a slice
Of Miss Hooligan's Christmas cake!
(ALVINA ENTERS THE KITCHEN)
ALVINA
(LAUGHING) You’re in a fine mood! How's the cake coming along?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, splendidly.
ALVINA
And by splendidly you mean -
INTERVIEWER
I mean it's going to wreak havoc on the Hollingworths' stomachs!
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) Well, it’s a whopping big cake.
INTERVIEWER
Well it has to feed a family of thirteen!
ALVINA
Are you sure this will work?
INTERVIEWER
Trust me Alvina, they will be spewing up turkey and Brussels sprouts before you can say Bon Apetit! Gravy and roast potatoes will splatter the walls! Stuffing will never have looked so disgusting!
ALVINA
Ugh, okay, I get the picture.
INTERVIEWER
Do you Alvina? Do you really? I mean we're talking Versailles fountains of vomit, we're talking -
ALVINA
Ugh, god, stop! Just promise me you can get Judith Hollingworth out of Hollingworth Hall.
INTERVIEWER
The plan is elegant and simple.
ALVINA
I fear it may be a bit too simple?
INTERVIEWER
Listen: Mr Hollingworth and his twelve daughters settle down for Christmas Dinner. To top off the feast, this cake is served. It sits in their stomachs like cement. Their bellies bubble like an angry jacuzzi! Judith, who has been tucking in rather enthusiastically, feigns a collapse and another pretends to call 999. Moments later two paramedics arrive to take the passed-out girl to hospital -
ALVINA
Mr Hollingworth doesn't let his daughters leave the house -
INTERVIEWER
He'll be too busy transferring half-digested turkey to toilet bowl to put up a fuss.
ALVINA
And you can guarantee this cake will cause that reaction?
INTERVIEWER
My recipe has a secret ingredient... which Kozlowski gave me.
(SHAKES SOMETHING)
ALVINA
Ah, that'll do it. And you really think Mr. Hollingworth won't suspect -
INTERVIEWER
His daughter will leave on a stretcher, in the presence of two reassuring paramedics.
ALVINA
I love Joey and Salvatore, but I would hardly call them reassuring.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, Kozlowski is working on that.
ALVINA
Working on what?
INTERVIEWER
Removing Salvatore's scars and giving Joey friendly dimples.
ALVINA
Hm.
INTERVIEWER
Will you open the oven, Alvina? I have to put the cake in. Do you think it will fit?
(ALVINA OPENS THE OVEN)
ALVINA
There you go…
(THE INTERVIEWER HOISTS UP THE ENORMOUS CAKE AND WITH MUCH EFFORT, TRANSFERS IT INTO THE OVEN. IT’S A TEAM EFFORT. CLANKING)
INTERVIEWER
(SINGING)
Miss Mulligan wanted to taste it,
But really there wasn't no use,
They worked at it for over an hour,
And they couldn't get none' of it loose.
Till Hooligan went for the hatchet,
And Killy came in with a saw,
That cake was enough, by the powers,
To paralyze any man's jaw.
(ALVINA HUMS/SINGS ALONG WITH THE CHORUS)
(BOTH)
There were plums and prunes and cherries,
And citron and raisins and cinnamon too,
There was nutmeg, cloves, and berries,
And the crust it was nailed on with glue.
There were carraway seeds in abundance,
Sure 'twould build up a fine stomachache,
'Twould kill a man twice after eating a slice
Of Miss Hooligan's Christmas cake!
INTERVIEWER
Oof, that was a tight fit. It'll need an hour in the oven.
ALVINA
Just one? Now that the kitchen is free, I'm going to do some baking of my own...
INTERVIEWER
Ooh, what are you making? No, no, let me guess. Mince pies?
ALVINA
Hmhmm! It might be a working Christmas, but that's no reason not to uphold traditions! I was thinking, we'll have a couple of hours after you've delivered the cake and before we have to send in Joey and Salvatore as paramedics...
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes! We could have a Christmas party in the back of the van! We'll sing carols,
ALVINA (OVERLAPPING)
Awww!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
give gifts, eat mince pies –
ALVINA
Yes!!
Ach, Amelia is going to hate every second of it isn't she?
INTERVIEWER
It will be the most Christmassy stakeout since the Slindon Sledging Smashup of 2010. Only without the hypothermia.
ALVINA
Do I or do I not want to know what happened at the Slindon Sledging Smashup of 2010...?
INTERVIEWER
You've forgotten?
ALVINA
I only joined the company in 2012!
INTERVIEWER
Right. Right, yes. Well, they delayed the toboggan race down Bignor Hill, but Kozlowski and I were already halfway down the track, posing as snowmen.
ALVINA
Snowmen?!
INTERVIEWER
We stood there for three hours, totally immobile, and when the sledges finally came, my fingers were so numb, I couldn't activate the trigger for the blizzard bomb. The client was furious.
ALVINA
Oh lord. Hgh, now I'm nervous.
INTERVIEWER
About what?
ALVINA
About tonight!
INTERVIEWER
I told you Alvina, it will all go without a hitch. Come Boxing Day Judith Hollingworth will be as free as the wind.
ALVINA
Well, I like your confidence. I'm sorry, it's just... Well, this is a very strange case and I'm not sure we should have accepted it.
INTERVIEWER
Hm, yes, I agree.
ALVINA
You do?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Planning a fake death without meeting and interviewing the client first? We've never done that!
ALVINA
Yeah but that wasn't possible was it? Our clients are under house arrest.
INTERVIEWER
Without meeting them, how can we trust them?
ALVINA
They did smuggle out some very detailed letters.
INTERVIEWER
I like to look people in the eye.
BEAT.
Wait, what do you object to then?
ALVINA
Their method of payment.
INTERVIEWER
Which is?
ALVINA
That’s just it. Well as far as I can tell, beyond some very vague talk of "family heirlooms", nothing’s been discussed.
INTERVIEWER
Then why did Amelia accept the case?
ALVINA
This is the weird part. "Christmas spirit."
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS) No. What?!
ALVINA
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
The Grinch said that?!
ALVINA
Exactly.
INTERVIEWER
(GASPS)
Oh! You don't think she took on this case simply so we would miss out on Christmas?
ALVINA
(GASPS) Well… To be fair, I think she genuinely does feel sorry for the Hollingworth girls. I mean I get it, so do I. Being held under lock and key by their father, it's like something out of the Brother's Grimm! It's just... we're in a tight spot and this case is going to require significant resources.
INTERVIEWER
It's just a cake -
ALVINA
For the next two weeks this case will take over our lives completely.
INTERVIEWER
Will it? Damn, I was planning a tiddlywinks tournament with Walter and Luke tomorrow -
ALVINA
Ha ha, very funny.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
You were joking right?
INTERVIEWER
I... uh...
ALVINA
Amelia is right. We have to help these poor girls escape their tyrant dad. It's just... twelve disappearances in a row! It's quite a commitment.
INTERVIEWER
Did you say twelve disappearances?
ALVINA
Yes. Twelve daughters.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
ALVINA
Really sounds like something from a fairy tale doesn't it?
INTERVIEWER
Right. And we're faking Judith's death...
ALVINA
Today, yes. She's the eldest daughter.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Then tomorrow...
ALVINA
We do the next one.
INTERVIEWER
The next... daughter... Yes. Right.
(HE IS TAKING A DEEP BREATH, AS IF BRACING HIMSELF. SOUNDS OF AN INTERVIEWER WHO DID NOT DO HIS HOMEWORK)
ALVINA
What's wrong?
BEAT.
Wait...
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Oh no... oh no! Oh no! Agh!
INTERVIEWER
(INNOCENTLY) Hm?
ALVINA
You didn't read the case files right?
INTERVIEWER
I did! I did! I did!
ALVINA
Fiber!
INTERVIEWER
It's true!
ALVINA
Okay when?
INTERVIEWER
Yesterday! After you hit me over the head with The Complete Poems of John Donne! I took the case file from your desk! Just like you said!
ALVINA
The case file? (OVERLAPPING) Singular?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Judith Hollingworth's!
ALVINA
Judith Hollingworth's?
INTERVIEWER
And I devised a very clever death for her! Death by Christmas Cake!
ALVINA
Hmhmm.
(INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES THRIUMPHANTLY)
And what about Agnes Hollingworth?
INTERVIEWER
Well. Hm. (CLEARS THROAT) Right.
(HE CONTINUES TO MAKE SOUNDS DURING THE FOLLOWING)
ALVINA (GETTING LOUDER AND FASTER, INCREASINGLY)
And Claris Hollingworth? And Penelope Hollingworth? And Sybil Hollingworth? And Natalie Hollingworth? And Rachel Hollingworth? And Germaine Hollingworth? And Dorothy Hollingworth? And Gemma Hollingworth? And Lara Hollingworth? And Pamela Hollingworth?
INTERVIEWER
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
That's a lot of Hollingworths.
ALVINA
I know!
INTERVIEWER
And we have to fake all their deaths in the next twelve days?
ALVINA
Yes!!!
INTERVIEWER
I have to find a new way to smuggle a Hollingworth girl out of Hollingworth Hall from under Mr Hollingworth's nose every day?
ALVINA
YES!!!
INTERVIEWER
Why?
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Why not just get them all out at once?
ALVINA
They don't want that.
INTERVIEWER
Why not?
ALVINA
IT'S IN THE CASE FILES!!!
INTERVIEWER
Right.
BEAT.
I think I'd better go read those case files.
ALVINA
HMHMM!!
INTERVIEWER
Will you keep an eye on the cake while I'm gone?
ALVINA
Yes. Now go!
INTERVIEWER
I'm going! I'm going!
(HE IS GONE)
ALVINA
(GROANS)
(AMELIA ENTERS. SHE'S EATING A PEAR)
AMELIA
Merry Christmas Alvina!
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
I said - Isn't that what you're supposed to - You look stressed.
ALVINA
(GOING THROUGH ABOUT THREE STAGES OF GRIEF AT ONCE) Why did we take on this case? Why does this keep happening? Why does he never read the case files? Why do I still believe he'll change? Why are you wishing me a Merry Christmas?
AMELIA
Um because-
ALVINA
Why are you eating a tiny pear?
AMELIA
Which one do you want me to answer first?
ALVINA
(LOOKING FOR WORDS) Let's start with the pear. You know, it’s fruit.
AMELIA
I know.
ALVINA
Okay. So this is some sort of new year's resolution? We're eating fruit now?
AMELIA
It's the 25th, it's too early for resolutions. Why are you so tense Alvina?
ALVINA
Because you're wishing me Merry Christmas and eating fruit. It's not natural.
AMELIA
I'm excited about Christmas this year...
ALVINA
Amelia. You hate Christmas!
AMELIA
I hate sitting around doing nothing. But this year... We're doing something worthwhile!
ALVINA
Yes, about that... I think we may have bitten off more than we can chew -
AMELIA
Arthur's got a plan.
ALVINA
Ha!
(WE HEAR THE INTERVIEWER RUNNING DOWN THE CORRIDOR)
INTERVIEWER
(WITH HIS MOUTH FULL)
I've bitten off more than I can chew!!!
ALVINA
(TO AMELIA)
See!
THE INTERVIEWER BURSTS INTO THE KITCHEN, COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING.
AMELIA
Oh my God are you ok?
INTERVIEWER
(CATCHING HIS BREATH)
I'm fine I'm fine. I was just playing a little game...
ALVINA
A game?
INTERVIEWER
(STRAINED, ROUGH) Seeing how many of those little pears I can fit in my mouth. Then I swallowed one whole. Good thing they're so tiny.
ALVINA
EXASPERATED
What's with the pears?!
INTERVIEWER
You tell me.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
The potted pear tree on your desk. Where did you get it?
ALVINA
Uh... there is no potted pear tree on my desk.
AMELIA
Uh, yes there is. It's very cute, but the pears are kind of bitter.
ALVINA
You're weird. Both of you. Ok, let's get back on track. Amelia, I know you want to help those girls, but I don't think we're ready for this. Maybe if we had a few weeks to plan it, but as is...
AMELIA
I understand.
ALVINA
You do?
AMELIA
Yes. I just thought it would be nice to end the year by making a difference. And if anyone could do with our services it's the Hollingworth daughters, but if it's impossible -
INTERVIEWER
For The Amelia Project, nothing is impossible.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Besides, Amelia is right. We owe it to these young women to release them from their father's grip. Who does he think he is? Some fairy tale king?
ALVINA
You really think you can do this?
AMELIA
He is the best in the business...
ALVINA
I know... It's just sometimes hard to believe when he - Ugh!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
What's that on the case file? You got chocolate stains on them!
INTERVIEWER
Oh that. No that wasn't me.
ALVINA
At least if the pages are covered in chocolate stains, I have proof you've been reading them...
INTERVIEWER
It's not chocolate...
ALVINA
What is it then?
INTERVIEWER
I think it's... bird pooh?
ALVINA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Bird pooh? Your desk is covered in these little brown pellets...
ALVINA
What?!
INTERVIEWER
Maybe you left a window open and a bird flew in?
ALVINA
Oh this is – Gah! One moment!
(WE FOLLOW ALVINA OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND UP A FLIGHT OF STAIRS. SHE WALKS OVER TO HER DESK)
Oh no this is disgusting, where did this come from?
(A SQUAWK)
What the - ?
(SQUAWK!)
Is that a... Partridge?
END.