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Day 10 is dedicated to our patron Boo who will stab herself in the chest when the blade of a joke shop knife fails to retract. We will give her a new life as professional donut taster in the Upper Hebrides. Thank you Boo, we enjoyed meeting you at PodUK and hope to meet you again at a future event.
THE VAN – DAWN
(VARIOUS SNORING: BIRDS, COWS, HUMANS; ALL IN A TINY, CRAMPED SPACE. THE INTERVIEWER WAKES UP)
INTERVIEWER
(YAWNS)
Oh, good lord… Is anybody else...? No. No-one else is awake yet. Agh, I'm stiff!
(HE STRETCHES)
I am too old to sleep in the back of a van. If only Daisy hadn't fallen asleep in my armchair...
Huh! Gosh, there are a lot of creatures in this van! Doves sleeping on the head of geese, a partridge snoring in a milk pail, calling birds nesting between udders... All of God's creatures, getting along swimmingly.
Well, I say swimmingly; only five of the swans and one of the dancing ladies went to bed in the paddling pool. She must be freezing! I wonder if this was how Noah felt when sailing the ark?
HE LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW
(AWED) And look at that! The first beams of sunlight over the Pennine landscape. What a sight! Ah, some has to-
(HE NUDGES ALVINA)
Alvina! Alvina, wake up! You're missing out!
ALVINA
(SLEEPY SOUNDS) Huh? What?
INTERVIEWER
Look at the light!
ALVINA
Yeah, pretty.
(ALVINA GOES BACK TO SLEEP)
INTERVIEWER
Pretty- Alvina! You nudnick. Amelia! Amelia!
(HE NUDGES AMELIA. SHE WAKES ABRUPTLY)
AMELIA
Dorothy!
INTERVIEWER
No, it's me.
AMELIA
Have we extracted Dorothy yet?
INTERVIEWER
I'm still working on a plan.
AMELIA
That's the third plan we've come up with for the same daughter!
INTERVIEWER
I know, but sometimes -
AMELIA
Because of those bloody dancing ladies - !
INTERVIEWER
Shhhh! You'll wake them up and they'll start cha-cha-cha-ing again! Or worse, the macarena.
AMELIA
(WHISPERING) Well, because of Footloose, Dirty Dancing and the rest of the cast from Riverdance surrounding the van like a swarm of ballroom-dancing bees, we couldn't do yesterday's disappearance! So now, we have to extract two sisters in one day, and you better get moving to save Dorothy!
INTERVIEWER
I will, but first why don't you look out the window-
AMELIA
I dreamed about a farmhouse and a tornado.
INTERVIEWER
And I dreamed about Kozlowski as a lion, Salvatore as a tin man and Joey as a scarecrow - he wouldn't even need a costume - but it won't work. The rest of us would have to be either munchkins or winged monkeys, and I know Alvina would protest. But look at the sun rise - !
AMELIA
I want Dorothy out of there by the time I wake up. (YAWNS) Good luck.
(AMELIA FALLS BACK ASLEEP)
INTERVIEWER
Amel - oh, crumbs. Someone has to appreciate this sunrise. Salvatore!
(HE NUDGES SALVATORE)
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore! Wake up!
SALVATORE
What is it?
INTERVIEWER
You have to see this!
SALVATORE
Is it the lords?
INTERVIEWER
What?
SALVATORE
The leaping lords! That's today, isn't it?
INTERVIEWER
Oh- Yes.
SALVATORE
Amelia said to keep watch.
INTERVIEWER
Then it's good I woke you up.
SALVATORE
Yeah. Joey!
(SALVATORE SLAPS JOEY)
JOEY
Huh?
SALVATORE
You're on lord-watch!
JOEY
I was awake!
INTERVIEWER
Guys, look! Isn't it magnificent? Pink sunbeams over a snow covered landsca- (AWED) Ah! It snowed! It snowed a lot!
SALVATORE
So...?
INTERVIEWER
It snowed A LOT Salvatore!
JOEY
Should we have another snow ball fight?
SALVATORE
I've been working on a snow-bazooka.
JOEY
Dope!
SALVATORE
But I left it at the office.
JOEY
Aww...
INTERVIEWER
No! Today, you two won't be fighting. Today, you'll be building!
JOEY
Snowmen?
INTERVIEWER
A snow castle!
JOEY
Awesome!
SALVATORE
But we're lord-spotting?
INTERVIEWER
I'll look out for leaping lords. You two have a disappearance to execute! And we have to move fast! There's a lot to build before the Hollingworth's wake up! And we need to get this done before ten lords leap into the picture and ruin everything...
(JOEY CHEERS)
SALVATORE
Building a snow castle isn't hard.
JOEY
We're experts!
INTERVIEWER
I know you are! That's why I'm sending you into the Hollingworth's garden. It needs to be erected fast, it needs to be steady, and it needs to be big.
JOEY
All our snow castles are big!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, nonono… Oh, but this one... This one has to be a castle unlike anything you two have ever built!
JOEY
Like... bigger than when we built the Golden Gate Bridge?
INTERVIEWER
Bigger, Joey! Bigger!
THE VAN – SUNRISE
(MADNESS. JUST MADNESS)
AMELIA
Ladies! Dancing ladies! Listen! I appreciate that you are trying to teach the milk maids to tap dance, but you need to stay at the back of the van! The BACK of the van! Otherwise you'll trample on the geese's feet again, and they really don't like it!
(THE DANCING LADIES GRUMBLE, ABOUT TO PIPE UP. ONE OF THEM CLEARS HER THROAT)
MILK MAID
Oh dear, sorry bout that…
AMELIA
No - pipe down! Don't say a word! When you ruin a disappearance, you don't get a say! That's how it works!
As for the milk maids, I understand that following your lessons on samba and quickstep it's exciting to move on to the pasodoble, but you have to watch your cows! Daisy nearly ate Romeo - to be fair, he does look like a haystack, I don't know what Juliet sees in him - and Magic just shat all over Patrick!
ALVINA
Ah, great-
MILK MAID
Nothing a quick wash won’t sort! Eh?
ALVINA
I have no idea how to clean him!
AMELIA
And Alvina...
ALVINA
Yes?
AMELIA
Don't clean him in the paddling pool.
ALVINA
Does it really matter anymore? It's not water in there, it's mud!
AMELIA
Exactly! So don't clean Patrick in the paddling pool!
ALVINA
Copy.
AMELIA
In fact, no one is allowed in the paddling pool until we have decontaminated it!
(VARIOUS DISAPPOINTED SOUNDS)
That goes for you too Brünnhilde, Ortrud, Fricka, Freia, Woglinde, Wellgunde and Flosshilde! Not even swans are allowed! Understand?
AMELIA
And you!
INTERVIEWER
Me?
AMELIA
Yes! You'll watch the French hens!
INTERVIEWER
Sure, I mean, that shouldn't be too hard -
AMELIA
They're bored. Show them Amelie de Montmartre on your phone.
INTERVIEWER
Uh, I could, only, I don't know how to access -
ALVINA
Francoise can show you. She's really dextrous with her talons.
INTERVIEWER
Alright.
ALVINA
What will you do?
AMELIA
I am going to be the human shield between the geese, the gosling and everyone else. They're all fierce geese, but Geese Witherspoon is in her own league when she's protecting little Ryan Gosling. Piss the geese off again, and they'll start goose-stepping, know what I mean?
ALVINA
I do, yes...
AMELIA
Was that everyone? Any questions?
MILK MAID 1
(GENTLY PIPING UP) Hello! Can I just- Do- Do we have to stay inside the van? Hm? I mean, it's getting very hot innit?
AMELIA
We cannot risk being spotted! Oh, talking of spotting, who's on lord-watch?
MILK MAID 2
Oh! That's me!
AMELIA
Great. You can hand over to Clarabelle when you're done, and then Clarabelle hands over to Jaques.
MILK MAID 1
Will this take long? Yeah? We've been in the back of this van for more than 24 hours! (QUIETLY) And I don’t think that’s legal…
AMELIA
I have been assured the disappearance will be over shortly. Isn't that right?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes! Any minute now!
AMELIA
Good! You're all dismissed. Behave!
MILK MAID
Okey-Dokes!
(SHE EXHALES. AMELIA MOVES OVER TO THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA)
AMELIA
You two, in the driver's seat, now!
(THE THREE OF THEM CLAMBER INTO THE FRONT OF THE VAN)
Okay. Care to tell me how the hell this disappearance is gonna happen? I don't like not being in the loop.
INTERVIEWER
Today's disapperance is like Frozen meets Jim Henson's Labyrinth!
AMELIA
Okay
ALVINA
Intriguing!
INTERVIEWER
It's poetical! It's mythical! It's metaphorical!
AMELIA
As long as it's practical.
INTERVIEWER
It’s all the 'als.
AMELIA
I just hope we can extract Dorothy and Gemma Hollingworth before the lords appear. Back when the gifts turned up at the office, we were sort of fine weren't we!
ALVINA
Not really. We'll never get the photo copier to work again after Joey tried to use it as a butter churn -
INTERVIEWER
In his defense, we have to do something with all that milk.
ALVINA
And Magic ate my calligraphy set. How on earth do I fake signatures now?
AMELIA
At least they didn't ruin an ongoing disappearance. Yesterday was a clusterfuck sodomised by a flopperoo. And if the lords arrive at the wrong time and the wrong place...
ALVINA
I've been worried about what kind of leaping they do. Do you think they leap onto people?
INTERVIEWER
Like rabid dogs?
AMELIA
Or face huggers?
ALVINA
Or chuggers.
(AMELIA AND THE INTERVIEWER SHUDDER)
INTERVIEWER
Hopefully they'll just leap around people. Like frogs. They're lords, they should have some sense of decorum!
ALVINA
What, like politicians?
(AMELIA AND THE INTERVIEWER SHUDDER)
INTERVIEWER
Well, provided we get this done before the lords arrive, we can forget about yesterdays failures. Today will set everything straight!
AMELIA
Tell us.
INTERVIEWER
In the wee hours of the morning, I sent Joey and Salvatore out to build the biggest snow castle anyone has ever seen! Bang in the middle of the Hollingworth Hall gardens!
AMELIA
(NOT IMPRESSED) A snow castle?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, but this is no ordinary snow castle... Nono, there are tunnels, stairs, slides, dead ends! Imagine the maze in the Shining, only across several floors!
AMELIA
Okay…
INTERVIEWER
Waking up, Cuthbert and his remaining daughters will discover a huge fortress of ice erected in the back garden! Glistening in the sun, it will beckon them, beckon them to enter with its icy siren song...
(ALVINA SHUDDERS)
Dorothy Hollingworth, being the curious sister, defies the objections of her father, and enters the twisting, turning corridors of ice, keen to explore the mysteries of the magic castle.
ALVINA
And then?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
She enters and disappears from view. Soon, they can't even hear the echo of her footsteps. Mister Hollingworth calls her name: "Dorothy? Dorothy! DOROTHY!" But there is no answer!
AMELIA
(INTRIGUED) Oh?
ALVINA
What’s happened?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
What has happened? That’s the question? Why didn't she listen to him? Has she slipped and hurt herself? Has she been knocked unconscious? Or is there something more sinister waiting for them at the heart of the castle...
(ALVINA SHUDDERS AGAIN)
AMELIA
I see where this is going…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Gemma Hollingworth, being the brave one, decides to go in after her. She will retrieve her sister! Daddy can trust her, she says. But she won't be foolhardy. She will wear a rope around her waist. Now, if something happens, she'll tug on the rope, and the others can pull her out.
ALVINA
Clever!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
And so it is done. Gemma enters the cold, sparkling citadel, tied to a long rope. She walks deeper and deeper and deeper until the blinding white walls swallow her, and she too is out of view. The rope keeps unfurling, further and further and further, until suddenly -
The rope is tugged!
ALVINA
(SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH)
INTERVIEWER
Mister Hollingworth and his two remaining daughters start pulling Gemma out! Has she found Dorothy, or has something happened to her?
They pull and pull, but it's heavy! So very heavy... Lara gets tired, Pamela gets tired, but daddy! Daddy Hollingworth isn't going to lose another daughter! Sweating profusely, muscles aching, he pulls and pulls... But why this immense weight? Is it because he's pulling both daughters to safety? All by himself?!
ALVINA
(IN ANTICIPATION) And then?
INTERVIEWER
Then it appears... sliding out of the castle, at the end of the rope... a sculpture.
ALVINA
A sculpture?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
An ice sculpture, depicting Dorothy and Gemma, the two daughters lost in the maze...
ALVINA
They turn into ice!
INTERVIEWER
Iceeeeeee…
AMELIA
Cool. And you did two sisters with one disappearance. Not bad.
BEAT.
Joey and Salvatore can pull this off?
INTERVIEWER
Have you seen Salvatore with a chain saw and a block of ice? He's an artist! He even shapes the ice cube in my Manhattan's into little New York skyline's.
ALVINA
Wow. Death by Snow Castle...
INTERVIEWER
I told you. It’s … poetic!
AMELIA
My only objection is it reminds me why I don't like fairytales.
BEAT.
AMELIA
HEY! Serge! Stop fornicating with the pear tree! The calling birds are sleeping in it! SERGE!
THE VAN – MIDDAY.
(THE DOORS TO THE VAN ARE SLAMMED OPEN)
JOEY
In! In!
SALVATORE
Move it, move it, move it!
AMELIA
Out of the way! HEY! Vertebrates! Bovines! Primates! Shift over!
(DOROTHY AND GEMMA HOLLINGWORTH CLIMB INTO THE VAN. BIRDS, COWS, DANCERS, MILK MAIDS ALL HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF THE WAY)
ALVINA
Dorothy! Grab my hand!
AMELIA
Gemma! This way - there you go!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE SLAM THE DOOR BEHIND THE SISTERS AND RUN TO THE FRONT OF THE CAR)
INTERVIEWER
Here are two pillows, two blankets. Just squeeze in between the geese and the cows! Dancing ladies, out of the way, now! This is no time for the can-can!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE JUMP INTO THE CAR AND SLAM THEIR DOORS SHUT. SALVATORE STARTS THE VAN)
SALVATORE
Come on now...
(THE ENGINE SPUTTERS FOR A SECOND, THEN STARTS)
Good boy!
(SALVATORE STEPS ON THE GAS. THEY SPEED OFF. AS THEY PULL OFF THE COWS MOO, THE SWANS HONK, THE BIRDS FLUTTER, AND PEOPLE FALL OVER)
AMELIA
Whoa!
ALVINA
Seatbelts! Do we have seatbelts back here?
INTERVIEWER
Alright, everyone! Well done! Let's head home! This has been quite the ordeal, and we really deserve our lunchtime Veuve Clicquot! And that goes for everyone!
ALVINA
Not the gosling!
INTERVIEWER
Not the gosling.
ALVINA
Dorothy! Gemma! How was it? How are you feeling? Do you need anything, some water or - ?
(DOROTHY AND GEMMA ARE JUST PANTING)
SALVATORE
Oh shit! No time for chit-chat! Here they come!!
ALVINA
Who?
SALVATORE
Look!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, darn. In the rear view mirror!
SALVATORE
Ten leaping lords! Right on our tail!
AMELIA
Holy fuck!
JOEY
Mamma mia!
ALVINA
How can they leap that fast?!
INTERVIEWER
Drive! Drive! Drive!
END OF EPISODE.