Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. The 12 Deaths of Christmas will only be available on the regular feed until the end of January, after which it will become exclusive to Patreon. If you’d like to get permanent and ad free access to it, and get early access to Season 5 Part 3 once it’s ready, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show.
Day 11 is dedicated to our patron Jacqui Bee who will die in a cleaning accident involving bleach, and reappear as a famous yet elusive writer of children’s stories. Thank you Jacqui and thank you to all our patrons.
THE AMELIA OFFICES
(11 PIPERS ARE PIPIN’. EVERYONE IS TRYING TO MAKE THEMSELVES HEARD OVER THE DIN, AND TRYING TO UNDERSTAND WHAT THE OTHERS ARE SAYING. NEITHER IS POSSIBLE. EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER IS SHOUTING. IT IS LOUD)
INTERVIEWER
I didn't imagine anything could drown out the birds and the cows, but these pipers actually come close!
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
I did not think! Anything could drown out! The birds! And the cows! But the pipers! Come close!
AMELIA
Close to what?
INTERVIEWER
Drowning out the birds!
AMELIA
Death by drowning?
INTERVIEWER
Nononono, the birds!
AMELIA
Why are we drowning the birds?
INTERVIEWER
We are not drowning the birds!
AMELIA
Well, we should!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
Kill the birds!
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it's all done!
AMELIA
Obviously not!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
The birds are still here!
INTERVIEWER
Not the birds, I- I thought you said 'kill'!
AMELIA
I did!
INTERVIEWER
And I know how to kill her!
AMELIA
Who?
INTERVIEWER
Lara! I know how to kill Lara!
AMELIA
Oh, great! How?
INTERVIEWER
Death by Falling Icicle!
AMELIA
By what - ?
INTERVIEWER
By- Oh good lord- by Icicle!
AMELIA
Okay...? When will you do it?
INTERVIEWER
Well... only if you want to do it...!
AMELIA
Sorry? Do I want to do it?
INTERVIEWER
It's OK! I don't mind!
AMELIA
Won't you do it?
INTERVIEWER
No, you don't have to!
AMELIA
Why me?
INTERVIEWER
OK!
BEAT.
AMELIA
I'll do it then!
INTERVIEWER
Sure, I'll do it! No problem!
AMELIA
Great!
INTERVIEWER
Great!
(AMELIA WALKS OVER TO ALVINA)
AMELIA
Alvina! Alvina, Arthur won't do Lara!
ALVINA
Huh?
AMELIA
I have to kill Lara! He's planned a death by bicycle!
ALVINA
By what?
AMELIA
Bicycle!
ALVINA
I can't hear you!
AMELIA
Two wheels! Pedaling!
ALVINA
Meddling with what?
AMELIA
Caught in the chain, I don't know!
ALVINA
Pain?
AMELIA
I don't get what's Christmassy about it!
ALVINA
Huh?
AMELIA
Christmassy!
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
Christ-mas-sy!
ALVINA
Oh! Okay, understood, I get it, I get it! Classic!
AMELIA
But heck, whatever at this point, right?
ALVINA
I'll tell Salvatore!
AMELIA
Oh, you read my mind! I need to find out why Arthur won't do it!
ALVINA
No problem at all!
AMELIA
Telling Salvatore to spy on him is genius!
ALVINA
Hmhm! Salvatore will figure it out!
AMELIA
Great!
ALVINA
Great!
(ALVINA WALKS OVER TO SALVATORE)
ALVINA
Salvatore!
SALVATORE
'Scusa?
ALVINA
We need a death by Christmas Tree!
SALVATORE
I can’t hear you!
ALVINA
Christ-mas-Tree! Amelia asked for Christmas Tree!
It's meant to fall! When Lara is in the vicinity, the tree will fall!
SALVATORE
Nativity?
ALVINA
Jesus, it's loud!
SALVATORE
Jesus, nativita! Capisco! Ovviamente!
ALVINA
What? Why not? But then I have to do it! I can't today!
I because Patrick turned out to be Patricia and she's about to have a baby! Well, an egg!
SALVATORE
Egg?
ALVINA
It's the wonder of nature!
SALVATORE
There were no eggs at the nativity!
ALVINA
I know, it was a huge surprise!
BEAT.
ALVINA
So, are you working on tomorrow's death then?
SALVATORE
'Scusa? It is too loud, those bastardo's...!
ALVINA
For Arthur - I get it!
SALVATORE
I'll talk to Joey! OK?
ALVINA
That's OK, I can do the tree!
SALVATORE (CON’T)
Si? Okay?
ALVINA
Sure, I’ll go talk to Kozlowski!
See you later!
(ALVINA WALKS OFF. SALVATORE WALKS OVER TO A DOOR, OPENS IT, WALKS THROUGH, CLOSES IT. THE DIN IS FINALLY GONE)
SALVATORE
Joey. We are doing a death by nativity.
JOEY
Huh? But it's way past Christmas Eve!
SALVATORE
I know. But Alvina asked for a death by nativity.
JOEY
How the hell do we do that?
SALVATORE
I don't know! But it has to include an egg!
THE BEETLE, LATER THAT NIGHT.
(QUIET. A LONG PAUSE. FAINT SOUND OF A ROAD IN THE DISTANCE. PERHAPS THE FAINT BREATHING OF THE FIVE PEOPLE PRESENT. A SOMBRE MOOD)
(A LONG SLURP. GULP.)
INTERVIEWER
Sorry. Thirsty.
KOZLOWSKI
Is that...?
INTERVIEWER
Pepsi. I found it in the glove compartment.
BEAT
It's flat.
AMELIA
So...
I'm ready.
AMELIA
We are gathered here tonight, in the beetle, because that is the only quiet place left, to figure out what the hell happened tonight.
INTERVIEWER
I must say, I am completely stumped!
ALVINA
So am I!
JOEY
Me too!
AMELIA
As are we all. In fact, if anyone has any clues... Hm? Kozlowski?
KOZLOWSKI
I have no explanation.
AMELIA
Salvatore?
SALVATORE
I'm confused!
KOZLOWSKI
Perhaps you could give us a synopsis of the events? Then afterwards we can try to understand how they came to be.
ALVINA
I only know what I saw, and the rest... the rest is a sort of loud, blurry nightmare.
INTERVIEWER
Hm, I agree. I think that goes for all of us. The full picture would be great.
AMELIA
(A WRY LAUGH) The full picture... That's easier said than done.
INTERVIEWER
You spent the last two hours debriefing Lara Hollingworth, I mean surely her account of the events would be the most succinct!
AMELIA
I've just come back from two hours of rambling. From a woman suffering traumatic shock and utter bamboozlement. But I'll do my best to piece it together.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you.
AMELIA
I think the first thing that happened was that Lara went to take down the Christmas Wreath on the front door. She instantly suffered a bizarre fluorescent rash.
KOZLOWSKI
That was me.
AMELIA
Before she could figure out what was going on, a madman in a plague mask and a hazmat suit came running onto the steps of Hollingworth Hall claiming to be from a government bio-hazard unit.
KOZLOWSKI
That. Was me.
AMELIA
What was that about?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah, I had already made the lip balm. I had very little time to plan Lara's death, so I thought I would repurpose it -
ALVINA
But- I was planning Lara's death!
SALVATORE & JOEY
We were doing it!
KOZLOWSKI
I thought I was doing it!
INTERVIEWER
Wait wait wait- Why were all the rest of you doing it?
AMELIA
We clearly all thought we were planning Lara's death.
INTERVIEWER
How?
KOZLOWSKI
Alvina asked me to.
SALVATORE
Alvina asked us too!
INTERVIEWER
Well, it's clearly Alvina's fault, then.
ALVINA
Hey, that’s not fair! I didn’t- I never-
AMELIA
It doesn't matter!
ALVINA
Kozlowski! What I asked you for was very simple! A corpse killed by a Christmas Tree!
KOZLOWSKI
We discussed an allergic reaction, did we not?
ALVINA
Yes! We talked about an allergic reaction to pine needles.
KOZLOWSKI
Not a Christmas Wreath?
ALVINA
No!
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Right... And how we all wish this simple misunderstanding was the end of it. But it wasn't, was it?
(ALL OF THE OTHERS GRUMBLE IN SHAME)
No, the story continues. What happens next is that whilst Cuthbert Hollingworth is frantically trying to stop his daughter from being isolated in some plastic tent like she's ET the entire ensemble of the Rushop Baptist Nativity Players swarm the front lawn performing a neo-funk musical version of the birth of Christ, including no less than four Mary's and three Joseph's!
JOEY
All the children had to get parts!
ALVINA
And there couldn't be more than one donkey?
JOEY
I didn't think of that.
AMELIA
So this was your doing then? Joey?
JOEY
And Salvatore! He wrote the play, I just directed it.
SALVATORE
I just wrote what Joey said to write!
JOEY
Salvatore's is better at spelling!
AMELIA
Shut up! I don't care how the two of you are credited in the program... I just want to know who to blame!
JOEY
Well, that's us.
AMELIA
Now, the action of the play was not quite in keeping with the Bible, but from what I understand it was very much in keeping with the traditions of...
(SHUDDERS)…interactive theatre. At this point Lara is desperately scratching her now glowing skin, when the three wise men rush over to her aggressively offering her a goblet of poison, which she probably thought was an antidote -
JOEY
It was frankincense!
AMELIA
In a goblet?
JOEY
Yes...?
AMELIA
Joey, frankincense is not a drink!
JOEY
Is it not?
AMELIA
No, it is incense!
JOEY
Ahhh! Frank - insence! It's Frank's incense!
AMELIA
Jesus... So, yeah, Lara gobbles down the frank-makes-no-sense, which makes her retch violently and painfully.
SALVATORE
I understand you don't appreciate our interpretation of the nativity -
AMELIA
(SARCASTIC) Yeah, I hate art, that's the problem.
SALVATORE
In our defense, how do you make a death by nativity and egg?!
BEAT.
(ALL AT ONCE:)
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
What?
JOEY (REPEATING)
How do you make a death by nativity and egg?
AMELIA
Death by nativity... and egg?
SALVATORE
I thought of having Baby Jesus jump out of the crib peppering Lara Hollingworth with eggs from my snowball-bazooka!
AMELIA
With eggs?
JOEY
But I said no! As the director of this Nativity, that don't fit my vision! I see Baby Jesus more as an innocent sort of character -
AMELIA
... Egg?!
SALVATORE
We mixed rotten egg into the wine.
ALVINA
Ugh...
JOEY
That's why she retched.
AMELIA
Yeah, because that makes sense.
BEAT.
I think I just have to move forward or my brain will explode.
KOZLOWSKI
Good idea.
AMELIA
After the nativity scene, I think that's when my Tour de France practice run -
ALVINA
No, the next thing was the Christmas Tree.
AMELIA
Are you sure?
ALVINA
Yeah, because the bikers got all tangled up in the tree.
AMELIA
Right, of course. So, the next thing Lara sees is the 15-meter-tall Christmas Tree on the front lawn toppling over, Christmas lights and all, and a Lara-replica-corpse flying out of it landing splat into Jesus's crib.
KOZLOWSKI
I think that was when Mister Hollingworth let go of me.
AMELIA
Who wants to take responsibility for the Christmas tree? And the corpse in the crib?
ALVINA
Uh, I am sorry about that. I truly did think I'd fastened the corpse right, but I guess I've been a bit distracted lately, having become an aunt and all. Patricia is still recovering, you know. The first days after egg-laying are the most -
(AMELIA SIGHS)
Okay... I won't talk about Eggbert.
BEAT.
I guess I owe an apology to... the boy playing Jesus.
AMELIA
He has been handsomely bribed.
ALVINA
Oh, good.
AMELIA
I can't vouch for his mental health, but he can buy lollipops to his heart's desire.
INTERVIEWER
So that's when the bikers appeared? Why bikers?
AMELIA
You asked me for a death by bicycle.
INTERVIEWER
I did not.
AMELIA
Yes you did!
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?! Why would I have asked for a death by bicycle? That makes no sense! It's not Christmassy at all!
AMELIA
That’s what I said!
INTERVIEWER
Well - ?!
AMELIA
Anyhow, I thought you wanted a death by bike, and there was so little time I just went with it... In hindsight, I realize having Lara bust out her own rusty bike and test-driving it without a helmet, on a sheet of black ice in the driveway, would have been a simpler solution, but all I could think of in the moment was - !
INTERVIEWER
A Tour de France practice run?!
KOZLOWSKI
That happened to cross the Hollingworth front lawn?
AMELIA
(ASHAMED) Yes. Yellow shirts and all...
INTERVIEWER
And they biked right into the falling tree and then flailed about trying to get loose?
AMELIA
They only crashed into the tree because they were trying to steer clear of the shepherds and angels' break-dancing routine!
JOEY
I think they ran over the donkey. Should we bribe the donkey too?
AMELIA
And that... was the moment when Lara was killed by a falling icicle.
INTERVIEWER
I'm quite proud of that!
AMELIA
Congratulations. You won the "Who'll kill Lara Hollingworth?"-competition.
BEAT.
The icicle was nice.
INTERVIEWER
Speared on an icicle!
JOEY
Bam! Right through her stomach!
SALVATORE
Like something out of a Giallo!
JOEY
So gory!
KOZLOWSKI
(PROUDLY) I could not have done the spurting blood better myself.
ALVINA
The red blood against the fluorescent skin was... it was very beautiful. Uh… Can I say that?
KOZLOWSKI
Of course you can.
AMELIA
I'm not sure Lara agrees. She's still trying to scrub it off, she's been scrubbing since we arrived back at the office.
INTERVIEWER (AT THE SAME TIME AS KOZLOWSKI)
She can give up, the blood won't come off with scrubbing.
KOZLOWSKI(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
She can give up, the rash will not come off with scrubbing.
AMELIA
Great. I wish I knew that sooner. I'll go tell her in a minute. She's moved onto the metal scouring pads.
BEAT.
Now, was that everything?
ALVINA
No...
INTERVIEWER
You omitted the...
KOZLOWSKI
...the grand finale.
AMELIA
Oh, yeah. The flash and the bang and the smoke. What was that?
BEAT.
Anyone?
(PAUSE)
SALVATORE
It was useful, wasn't it?
AMELIA
Of course, it had to be you!
SALVATORE
I'm saying I saved the day!
AMELIA
Do you always just carry around bombs?
SALVATORE
It was my Death by Fire Cracker!
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
We haven't planned a death by fire cracker?
SALVATORE
I didn't know if it would work, so I didn't tell anyone until it was ready. Today I was going to tell you! I had the prototype in my pocket when everything happened, so when I saw Mister Hollingworth storming towards his daughter... I pulled it out!
JOEY
Salvatore ran over, wedged himself between padre and daughter, handed Mister Hollingwirth one end of the cracker and said: "Pull this!"
SALVATORE
Before he knew it, he had pulled the Christmas Cracker!
JOEY
BANG!
AMELIA
Yes. Then there was an almighty, ear-drum-bursting bang, a blinding flash and so much smoke the whole front lawn was rendered invisible.
SALVATORE
And that's how I saved the day!
AMELIA
That's how you gave me tinnitus.
ALVINA
You know Amelia, Salvatore has a point. If it hadn't been for that flash and that bang and that smoke, we would not have been able to get Lara away from Mister Hollingworth.
INTERVIEWER
Without that flash and that bang and that smoke, we would not have been able to clear the front lawn before Mister Hollingworth regained his bearings! Forty-odd people, a PA system, a tree full of bikes and a crib full of corpse, all gone in the blink of an eye! Mister Hollingworth is probably sitting in his armchair right now thinking he's lost his mind!
KOZLOWSKI
Without the flash, the bang and the smoke, we would not have been able to distract Mister Hollingworth at all! Neither a musical nativity play, a falling Christmas tree, a bio-hazard contamination threat nor a Tour de France practice race across his front lawn managed to throw him off.
ALVINA
And even if the rest of our efforts were, well, a tad confused -
AMELIA
May - hem! Utter mayhem!
ALVINA (CON’T)
- we should be proud of how quickly we cleared everything up!
KOZLOWSKI
In that very moment, we worked remarkably well as a team.
(PAUSE)
AMELIA
Fair enough. Thank you, Salvatore. Quick thinking.
SALVATORE
No problemo.
(INTERVIEWER CLEARS HIS THROAT)
AMELIA
Sure. Thanks everyone, for the quick get out, and for managing to extract Lara Hollingworth despite the circumstances. Now, where does this leave us?
(OVERLAPPING)
INTERVIEWER
Well, I think we better start thinking about tomor-
ALVINA
I think we're exactly where we were bef-
AMELIA (CUTS THEM BOTH OFF)
That was a rhetorical question! I was going to say: This leaves us in need of some TRUE soul searching! HOW could we mess up so badly?
INTERVIEWER
To be honest, Amelia, I don't think we have time for soul searching right now. The day after tomorrow, maybe. But right now we have another death to plan! The climax! The crowning glory! The last Hollingworth-sister!
ALVINA
That's not the only immediate concern, though.
INTERVIEWER
It's not?
ALVINA
No. We've run out of food! Even if the dancing ladies seem to be able to live on cigarettes alone, everyone else needs to eat! There are five of us, eight milk maids, ten lords and eleven pipers in the office, and as of today, eleven Hollingworth sisters in the safe house that all need to be fed! And that's only counting humans.
AMELIA
We have a food shortage?
ALVINA
Well- No one is starving to death at this moment, but that's just because the pipers spent the afternoon turning Dottie into burgers!
INTERVIEWER
Which the lords were very happy about.
KOZLOWSKI
The milk maids not as much.
AMELIA
One more death. Then this is all over. And we'll all take a long, long holiday. I promise.
JOEY
Holiday?
AMELIA
Yes.
ALVINA
(CHEEKY) In exchange for the one we missed?
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Let's come up with a plan!
END OF EPISODE.