Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached the final day of the 12 Deaths of Christmas. We hope you’ve been enjoying it, and if you would like to help pay the actors, writers, artists and sound designers behind it, we’d be really happy if you would consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show.
Day 12 is dedicated to Helia Hase who will be buried under her own books to read pile on the nightstand, and will reappear as a barista in a bookshop cafe. Thanks Helia, and thank you to all our patrons for allowing us to keep up this merry mayhem.
INSIDE THE AMELIA OFFICE. AMELIA, ALVINA, KOZLOWSKI AND THE INTERVIEWER.
AMELIA
Listen.
(SILENCE)
ALVINA
(IN AWE) Listen!
Silence.
INTERVIEWER
(ECSTATIC) Listen!!
(KOZLOWSKI CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
As silent as a feather in the wind.
ALVINA
As silent as freshly fallen snow in the morning.
INTERVIEWER
As silent as the landing of a felled tree in the empty woods.
KOZLOWSKI
As silent as a shadow speaking to a dream.
(KOZLOWSKI CHUCKLES AGAIN. THEY ALL ENJOY THE SILENCE FOR A WHILE)
AMELIA
I'd forgotten what it's like not to hear squawking and cooing and clucking and flapping and mooing and dancing and piping.
ALVINA
How did you do it?
KOZLOWSKI
Silphium.
AMELIA
That's some sort of drug?
KOZLOWSKI
Sends you into a motionless slumber. Slows the heart rate to ten beats a minute.
ALVINA
But they'll be ok right? I mean they'll wake up?
KOZLOWSKI
In approximately eight hours.
INTERVIEWER
Which gives us time for a party!
ALVINA
You know what?
AMELIA
A Party?
ALVINA
I agree. A celebration is in order!
AMELIA
It's gonna have to be a quiet one...
INTERVIEWER
There is no such thing as a quiet party, Amelia!
AMELIA
Well, there's gonna have to be, cause I can't take any more noise.
KOZLOWSKI
Twelve disappearances in twelve days!
ALVINA
When you accepted this case Amelia, I thought it was crazy, I thought it could never be done. And while I still think it was crazy, we did do it. So hurray to us!
AMELIA
Wait wait wait, you still have to tell me how you extracted the last Hollingworth daughter.
INTERVIEWER
It was amazing!
ALVINA
It really was!
AMELIA
Oh, now I feel like I missed out...
INTERVIEWER
You really did!
AMELIA
Kozlowski! You should have given them that silphium thing earlier! Then I wouldn't have had to stay back here on gift duty.
KOZLOWSKI
I was busy with the yeast.
AMELIA
The yeast?
KOZLOWSKI
The ingredient for Pamela Hollingworth's disappearance.
AMELIA
Death by yeast?
KOZLOWSKI
It is always something I have wanted to try... And I must say, I was most pleased with the result.
AMELIA
So come on, how did it go down? Tell me!
ALVINA
Well... Pamela does all the family baking you see.
AMELIA
I know. For Christmas she baked eighty gingerbread men, a two meter stollen, one hundred peppermint macaroons and a gingerbread house the size of a shed.
ALVINA
(TOUCHED) You read my case file!
AMELIA
Of course Alvina, I always read your case files.
INTERVIEWER
(CLEARS HIS THROAT)
ALVINA
Anyway, the days of epic baking are gone. Pamela and papa Hollingworth are alone - in the cold and lifeless house. Mr Hollingworth sends her into the kitchen to make a loaf.
INTERVIEWER
Poor old Cuthbert. Almost makes one feel sorry for him.
AMELIA
(GRIMLY) Ah, until you remember he screwed over his wife, swindled his employees, and kept his daughters captive to cater to his every whim.
INTERVIEWER
Quite.
AMELIA
Hm-
ALVINA
Pamela dissolves the yeast, mixes the ingredients, kneads the dough, then puts it in the proving drawer to rise.
AMELIA
Wait wait wait... but the yeast... This is something Kozlowski tinkered with?
(KOZLOWSKI CHUCKLES)
ALVINA
You have never seen dough rise like this. After three minutes, the proving drawer can no longer contain the dough and it shatters!
AMELIA
What?!
(KOZLOWKSI LAUGHS)
ALVINA
The dough continues to balloon at an alarming pace, like some monstrous self inflating bauble. It fills the kitchen.
INTERVIEWER
Mr Hollingworth, hearing the commotion, runs to the kitchen, and tries to push open the door, but he can't! The dough's resistance is too strong.
(AMELIA LAUGHS)
(THEY ARE GETTING MORE AND MORE DRAMATIC IN THEIR RETELLING)
ALVINA
Dough starts seeping out from under the door, covering Mr Hollingworth's shoes and swiftly spreading to the hallway.
INTERVIEWER
Then a bang and the door shatters. Cuthbert is knocked flat by the expanding dough.
ALVINA
From the other end of the kitchen he hears Pamela's muffled voice. He claws into the dough, trying to tunnel his way through the sticky mess to find his daughter.
INTERVIEWER
But it is futile. The dough rises faster than he can dig.
ALVINA
Eventually he has to accept that his last daughter has met a sticky end -
INTERVIEWER
Nice one Alvina!
ALVINA (CON’T)
- and flee the dough. He rushes upstairs and waits for the dough to settle.
KOZLOWSKI
Which it does after about fifteen minutes.
INTERVIEWER
Now Cuthbert will have one hell of a job shovelling dough out of his house, and once it's all gone, no trace of Pamela will be found.
AMELIA
I have to say, that is very impressive. Nice work Kozlowski.
KOZLOWSKI
Thank you. It was most entertaining.
INTERVIEWER
And that's that, all twelve Hollingworth sisters safely evacuated. Shall I get the champagne?
ALVINA
Wait! I think we should make this a belated Christmas party, don't you?
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
Yes! Since we missed out -
AMELIA
We celebrated in the van!
INTERVIEWER
Not the same!
ALVINA
No, we didn't have a Christmas tree in the van!
INTERVIEWER
I said we should take one but -
AMELIA
Taking a Christmas tree with burning candles - I'll never understand why you insist on actual candles when we're in the twenty first century - taking that in a van is insane!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, right yes, taking a Christmas tree in the van is insane, but taking a partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese a laying, seven swans a swimming, eight maids a milking and nine ladies dancing, is fine?
AMELIA
Those were simpler times.
ALVINA
Well, I'm going to get this party started.
AMELIA
You mean the... silent party?
ALVINA
A quiet celebration. I'll light the candles on the tree, we can dim the lights and have a moment of calm contemplation.
AMELIA
...but with booze?
INTERVIEWER
(SIMULTANEOUSLY) champagne?
ALVINA
Absolutely.
AMELIA
Sounds good.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, jolly!
(ALVINA STARTS LIGHTING CANDLES)
AMELIA
Normal people have already thrown their tree on the sidewalk by now.
INTERVIEWER
Bah, humbug! It's the twelfth day of Christmas! Still plenty of time for wassailing around the tree!
AMELIA
Wassailing? What's wassailing?
INTERVIEWER
Where are Joey and Salvatore? We need their bass and baritone!
KOZLOWSKI
I am afraid they are asleep.
INTERVIEWER
What Salvatore too?
KOZLOWSKI
Both of them. Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Then wake them up! They won't want to miss a party.
KOZLOWSKI
I am afraid it is a very deep sleep.
AMELIA
You didn't drug them too did you?
KOZLOWSKI
Oh no. But they did help me. You see, administering silphium to seven cows, eight maids, nine ladies, ten lords, eleven pipers, twenty three grown birds, twenty-four goslings plus one baby partridge, was more than a one man job. The ladies would not stop dancing and the lords, ugh, would not stop leaping. Joey and Salvatore were very helpful catching leaping lords. But they also... um...
INTERVIEWER
Self experimented with the drug?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes.
AMELIA
Of course they did.
INTERVIEWER
Oh well, more champagne for us!
ALVINA
(CALLING OVER TO THE OTHERS) Okay, I've just lit the last candle! Come on, switch off the lights. It's time to gather round the tree.
INTERVIEWER
Oh goody.
AMELIA
(SIGHS)
(THEY ALL GATHER ROUND THE TREE)
KOZLOWSKI
A majestic tree.
ALVINA
I love the way the candles reflect in the baubles.
AMELIA
Let's not talk about baubles. I'm done with baubles.
ALVINA
Oh, these baubles are ethically sourced. They're from a local Christmas market. I would never hand cash to the Hollingworth Christmas empire.
INTERVIEWER
Hang on, what happened to the star?
ALVINA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
The star at the top of the tree.
AMELIA
Oh!
ALVINA
Oh!
KOZLOWSKI
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
It's been replaced with... with...?
KOZLOWSKI
How strange.
ALVINA
An envelope?
INTERVIEWER
Who did this?
(SILENCE)
ALVINA
Is it a surprise? Some sort of gift?
(PAUSE)
AMELIA
Not from me.
INTERVIEWER
Not from me.
KOZLOWSKI
Not me.
ALVINA
Well, not me either.
INTERVIEWER
I think we can safely assume it's not from Joey or Salvatore.
ALVINA
Very strange indeed.
AMELIA
Let's get it down. Pass me that stool.
INTERVIEWER
Here you go.
(THE INTERVIEWER PASSES AMELIA A STOOL WHICH SHE PLACES UNDER THE TREE)
(SHE CLAMBERS UP TO GET THE LETTER)
KOZLOWSKI
Watch out for the candles Amelia.
AMELIA
Got it.
(AMELIA COMES BACK DOWN)
INTERVIEWER
Well - What are you waiting for?
AMELIA
Do you think it's safe to open it?
INTERVIEWER
Oh please! Go on Amelia!
AMELIA
Very well. Here goes.
(SHE TEARS OPEN THE ENVELOPE)
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
Well?
AMELIA
READING
"Dear Amelia and team. We would like to thank you for all you have done over the past twelve days."
KOZLOWSKI
It is from the Hollingworth sisters!
INTERVIEWER
How did they get the letter in here without us noticing?
ALVINA
Well they've done it before... Remember when I found that letter from Dorothy on my desk?
AMELIA
Those girls are good at smuggling things in and out of places. That's how they got in touch with us in the first place. I'm almost wondering whether we shouldn't have offered them a new life working here... We could do with those skills... They could have become our own private cat burglar team!
ALVINA
You think of that now? That's actually a really good idea! That would at least offer some compensation for this case! But it's too late now. I gave them their new passports this morning. They're probably in some airport departure lounge, waiting for a flight to the US, Mexico or Australia.
AMELIA
(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Should I continue?
KOZLOWSKI
Please do.
AMELIA
(READING)
"You accepted to help us without asking for anything in return - "
ALVINA
(GRUNTS)
AMELIA
"- a genuine display of the Christmas spirit. Which is why we have decided to repay you - "
ALVINA
They are going to pay us? So we're not starting the year with a colossal loss? Oh, I'm so relieved! I've been fretting about how we will make up the shortfall. I was thinking about sending the dancing ladies on tour and maybe opening a petting zoo, or a dairy farm or a cheese shop maybe-
AMELIA
"Which is why we have decided to repay you in kind - "
KOZLOWSKI
"In kind"...
AMELIA
(CAN'T CONCEAL HER DISAPPOINTMENT) "- with the Christmas spirit."
ALVINA
Oh for heaven's sake!
AMELIA
(DEFENSIVELY)
I thought you loved Christmas!
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) Are we getting some of Pamela's gingerbread men?
KOZLOWSKI
Go on...
AMELIA
"By the time you read this, you will have received your gifts."
SHE BREAKS OFF
Have you seen any parcels anywhere?
ALVINA
They said they're paying with the Christmas spirit. It's probably "love" or something. Or they've lit a candle for us in some church -
INTERVIEWER
(HOPEFUL) Or cookies! (SOFTLY) Cookies cookies cookies…
KOZLOWSKI
Go on...
AMELIA
"By the time you read this, you will have received our gifts. One for each day of Christmas -"
SHE BREAKS OFF
Oh no.
INTERVIEWER
What??
ALVINA
(LIVID) WHAT?!
KOZLOWSKI
I thought so...
AMELIA
(DEFLATED)
"A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves, three French hens -
ALVINA
You mean to say, not only did we miss Christmas to work flat out on an incredibly difficult case, not only was it very costly and brought in zilch, but all the time they were actually throwing obstacles in our way?!
AMELIA
(FEEBLY)
I don't think that's how they see it...
ALVINA
FURIOUS
Well how do you see it?
AMELIA
I... I... I agree that taking on this case may not have been the best idea. And yes, I admit that partly I was motivated by... Well, you know this isn't exactly my favourite time of year, but I did also feel genuinely sorry for them. And then of course there was the hope of the Hollingworth - Wait, let me read on.
"A partridge in a pear tree, two turtle doves - "
ALVINA
If I hear that list of birds and lords and ladies and pipers and whatnot one more time I'm going to punch someone.
AMELIA
Right. I'll skip that.
"But you will have noticed that there is a gift missing."
ALVINA
No! No! No more gifts! No! Lock the doors! Bar the windows! Batten down the hatches!
AMELIA
"Five gold rings."
BEAT.
ALVINA
Oh!
INTERVIEWER
Oh!
KOZLOWSKI
(CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
"You will find in this envelope five 24 karat gold rings each adorned with the Hollingworth Family Crest in jewels."
ALVINA
(SQUEALS) Yes!
AMELIA
(EXCITED)
The Hollingworth family heirlooms! I told you I'd heard about that!
KOZLOWSKI
Continue!
AMELIA
"Dad can handle losing us, but when he finds out the rings have gone, he will be inconsolable. We have replaced the rings with plastic toys from Christmas crackers. A wind up Micky Mouse, a badge that says Santa's little helper, a plastic moustache, a stencil and an alien with a parachute."
ALVINA
(LAUGHS)
Good on you Hollingworth Girls!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS)
Well played!
AMELIA
"Thank you for our new lives and may the Christmas spirit always be with you, Judith, Claris, Penelope, Sybil, Natalie, Rachel, Germaine, Dorothy, Gemma, Lara and Pamela Hollingworth."
INTERVIEWER
TOUCHED
Awwwwww.
ALVINA
How heartwarming.
(AMELIA TIPS THE RINGS OUT OF THE ENVELOPE, ONTO A TABLE)
AMELIA
And here they are: five gold rings.
(THEY ALL ADMIRE THE RINGS. DRUMMING)
AMELIA
Listen...!
DRUMMING.
ALVINA
Listen...
DRUMMING.
INTERVIEWER
Listen!
KOZLOWSKI
I have not heard drumming like that since we were undercover in the Kentucky State Marching Band.
ALVINA
Of course! Twelve drummers drumming! With everything else going on I'd almost forgotten. Our last gift!
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Well, let's get it over with.
INTERVIEWER
(FROM FRUTHER AWAY) They're really good! Come over to the window. Look down there.
(AMELIA, ALVINA AND KOZLOWSKI JOIN THE INTERVIEWER AT THE WINDOW)
ALVINA
The neighbors are not going to be happy about this...
AMELIA
(OPENS THE WINDOW) The Interviewer opens the window. We hear the drumming very loud now.
AMELIA
Wait is that...?
ALVINA
I was thinking the same thing...
INTERVIEWER
But... It's... It's...
KOZLOWSKI
The twelve Hollingworth sisters!
AMELIA
(TOUCHED)
The twelve Hollingworth sisters drumming their thanks.
(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS SHAKING THE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE)
INTERVIEWER
Well. What should we toast to?
ALVINA
How about...
KOZLOWSKI
The Christmas spirit!
INTERVIEWER
Very good! The Christmas spirit!
(CORK POPS)
A MEDLEY OF THE AMELIA THEME AND THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS, UNDERPINNED BY DRUMMING.
PIP
Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
The 12 Deaths of Christmas was written by Philip Thorne and Oystein Ulsberg Brager, with script consultancy by Maty Parzival.
It featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, Stan Morris as Joey, Fernando Tiberini as Salvatore and Sarah Golding as all the milk maids.
Sound design and music was by Adam Raymonda, and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
The Amelia Project is a production of Imploding Fictions, and is brought to you by the generosity of our patrons. We are so grateful to all our patrons, and we’d like to give a shoutout to our super patrons. At the time of recording that’s:
Celeste Joos, Heat 312, Rodney Daliege, Jem Fidyk, Alban Ossant, Amélie and Alison, Stefanie Weittenhiller, Rafael Eduardo Wefers Verastegui,
Alison Thro, Patricia Bohnwagner, Bryce Godmer, Cliff Huizenga, Michael West, Tom Putnam, Deanna Berchenbriter, Tim McMackin, Blythe Varney, Parker Pearcy, Sophy H, Nitali Arora, Lee & Vee Hewerdine, Mr Squiggles, David Livingston, Toni Fisher, Tibbi, Florian Beijers, Courtney Mays Rensen, Boo, Jacqui Bee, Helia Hase, Liebredeaconito, Mark Skrobanek, Astra Kim, Olivea Dodson, Philip Hansen and Michael David Smith.
If you’ve joined us as a super patron in recent days, thank you so much, you’ll be getting a shoutout once we release Season 5 Part 3, you’ll also be getting early access to that once it’s ready.
More info about the show and how to support us at ameliapodcast.com
EPILOGUE.
THE OFFICE.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, I still don't understand why we had to extract the Hollignworth sisters one by one over a period of twelve days, I mean, why –
ALVINA
IT'S IN THE CASE FILES!!!
THE END.