PIP
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Day 2 is dedicated to our patrons at Posh Baby Rentals Florida. They will be trampled to death by the goats in a petting zoo. We will bring them back with a new company: Posh Zimmer Frame Rentals Helsinki. Thank you, Posh Baby Rentals Florida.
(ALVINA'S FOOTSTEPS CAN BE HEARD COMING DOWN THE CORRIDOR. SHE HUMS. SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO THE WORKSHOP)
(THE INTERVIEWER'S VOICE FROM HIGH ABOVE)
INTERVIEWER
Hello Alvina!
ALVINA
Hello... What on earth are you doing up there?
INTERVIEWER
What are you doing down there.
(SQUAK)
With a partridge?
ALVINA
Oh, you haven't heard? I found him in my office.
INTERVIEWER
Him?
ALVINA
Patrick. Patrick meet Arthur, Arthur meet Patrick.
INTERVIEWER
You really think this is the time to get a pet, Alvina?
ALVINA
He's not a pet.
INTERVIEWER
What is he then?
ALVINA
I... I don't know.
INTERVIEWER
Are you alright Alvina?
ALVINA
Hey, this wasn't a choice, ok? I found the bird in my office yesterday morning.
INTERVIEWER
Found it? Sorry, him.
(SQUAKING)
In your office?
ALVINA
Yes. Poohing everywhere I might add.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that explains the muck on the case files!
ALVINA
Quite. Anyway he's... well, he's become rather attached to me, haven’t you, Patrick?
BEAT.
Your turn.
INTERVIEWER
Huh?
ALVINA
What are you doing up on that ladder, attaching a bow to what looks like the world's most ginormous Christmas present?
INTERVIEWER
You like it?
ALVINA
(EXCITED) Ooh, is it for me?
INTERVIEWER
Don't be silly, you got your present yesterday.
ALVINA
(DRYLY) Yes. Socks. Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
You can never have too many socks, right?
ALVINA
Right.
INTERVIEWER
Did you like the cute little coffin print?
ALVINA
Yes, very festive.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) I was so happy when I found them. Perfect death faker socks. Ha!
ALVINA
Ok, but this present...?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes. This present is for the Hollingworths.
ALVINA
I see... Yesterday we had Death by Christmas Dinner, today it's Death by Christmas Present?
INTERVIEWER
Well not so much death as disappearance, but yes. It's Boxing Day! The Victorian day of gift giving! So what better way to extract the second Hollingworth daughter from Hollingworth Hall than -
ALVINA
(JOKINGLY) In a giant gift wrapped box?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
Oh lord, you’re serious
INTERVIEWER
What? It's a good plan.
ALVINA
Ok... What's going to be in it?
INTERVIEWER
You.
ALVINA
Huh?
INTERVIEWER
You.
ALVINA
Me?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. You.
ALVINA
You want to wrap me up and send me into Hollingworth Hall??
INTERVIEWER
Essentially... yes.
ALVINA
Okay…
Why?!
INTERVIEWER
Don't fret Alvina. It's really very snug in there.
ALVINA
Snug?
INTERVIEWER
Hyggelig even.
ALVINA
Somehow, I very much doubt that.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, come on, I'll show you!
(THE INTERVIEWER CLAMBERS DOWN FROM THE LADDER. HE OPENS A LITTLE FLAP IN THE PRESENT AND BECKONS ALVINA TO JOIN HIM)
ALVINA
Really, do I have to? Ugh…
INTERVIEWER
There's a little flap here... See?
ALVINA
Ok... Uh-huh…
INTERVIEWER
In we crawl.
ALVINA
It's very... Um... Alright...
(TO THE PARTRIDGE)
Nonono, Patrick you better stay outside.
(THE PARTRIDGE SQUAWKS)
I won't be long.
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA CLOSE THE FLAP BEHIND THEM. WE'RE IN A SMALL DEAD SPACE, NO REVERB)
ALVINA
Huh! This is actually...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ALVINA
It's really cosy in here!
INTERVIEWER
Told you.
ALVINA
You hung fairy lights!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Gives a nice atmosphere don't you think?
ALVINA
A rug, some cushions, a blanket...
INTERVIEWER
A little oasis of Christmas calm.
ALVINA
It really is. But... why?
INTERVIEWER
Well, you're going to be in here a long time. Might as well make it comfortable.
ALVINA
No, I mean, why am I in here... a long time?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, and before you ask, yes, there is an oxygen tank.
ALVINA
I'm happy to hear it.
INTERVIEWER
You can take your laptop and get some work done.
ALVINA
Yes, or… I could also do that in my office...
INTERVIEWER
Or even better, watch Love Actually!
ALVINA
Oh! We haven't watched Love Actually!
INTERVIEWER
I know, it's a crime against tradition! Really, it is. Maybe once all this Hollingworth business is over...
ALVINA
Right. The Hollingworths. Focus! So how does me being cosily cocooned inside this present help us evacuate the second Hollingworth daughter?
INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes! Buckle up Alvina! Joey and Salvatore turn up outside Hollingworth Hall disguised as postal workers -
ALVINA
Wait! Won't Mr Hollingworth recognise them?
INTERVIEWER
Why would he?
ALVINA
Well yesterday they turned up on his doorstep as paramedics...
INTERVIEWER
Ah, don't worry, Kozlowski is making tweaks to their faces as we speak.
ALVINA
Right. So, they turn up as postmen...
INTERVIEWER
With this gift. Addressed to Mr Hollingworth and his twelve daughters. They deposit it in the living room -
ALVINA
With me inside?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
This is a terrible idea!
INTERVIEWER
Don't worry -
ALVINA
I do! What happens when they unwrap the present and find me?
INTERVIEWER
They won't.
ALVINA
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
Because before they get a chance to open the box, it starts ticking!
ALVINA
Ticking?!
INTERVIEWER
And emitting green smoke.
ALVINA
It's a bomb?! I'm liking this plan less and less!
INTERVIEWER
I had three hours to come up with something! You pitch me something better!
ALVINA
Ok, okay! So what happens after the ticking and the toxic fumes?
INTERVIEWER
Mr Hollingworth calls the police of course. And that's your moment!
ALVINA
How’s that?
INTERVIEWER
While he's busy on the phone, you make your move!
ALVINA
(WITH INCREASING DESPERATION) And what's my move?
INTERVIEWER
Alerting Agnes Hollingworth of course!
ALVINA
You mean...
INTERVIEWER
Agnes joins you inside the present.
ALVINA
She -
INTERVIEWER
Agnes is the smallest sister, so there's plenty of space. Well, enough.
ALVINA
I -
INTERVIEWER
But you'll have to be quick!
ALVINA
This is -
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Then Joey and Salvatore turn up as bomb disposal experts -
ALVINA
Oh for goodness sake -
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
They remove the ominous parcel from the manor, hoist it onto the van, and off you drive to safety! Another Hollingworth successfully extracted from her father's tyrannical clutches.
ALVINA
This is seriously the best you could come up with?
INTERVIEWER
Hey!
ALVINA
You're supposed to be "the best in the business!"
(INTERVIEWER SPLUTTERS)
This plan is ridiculous!
(THE ARGUMENT STARTS TO BECOME HEATED)
INTERVIEWER
The best disappearances often are! And I just whipped up a supersized present with a concealed apartment, oxygen tank, and a remote controlled smoke machine in less than three hours! If it's not my cleverest plan ever I'm sorry, but do you realise the pressure I'm under here?
ALVINA
Uh, yes, we all are.
INTERVIEWER
Twelve disappearances in twelve days? It's insane!
ALVINA
You said you could pull it off!
INTERVIEWER
I can. Yesterday's death by Christmas Cake went as planned, didn't it?
ALVINA
That one had slightly more finesse.
INTERVIEWER
... That entire plan was based around throwing up.
ALVINA
Well, that's saying something then isn't it!
INTERVIEWER
Finesse isn't something we can afford when we're planning daily disappearances on the fly!
ALVINA
And who's fault is that, my I ask?!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
That we're planning these disappearances on the fly?
INTERVIEWER
Amelia's!
ALVINA
No.
INTERVIEWER
YES!
ALVINA
Okay yes, well, partly.
INTERVIEWER
She's the one who accepted this case!
ALVINA
And you're the one who didn't read the case files!
INTERVIEWER
I read them yesterday!
ALVINA
After they'd been lying on my desk for two days.
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Two days! You think that's enough time to plan twelve deaths?!
ALVINA
Well, if you'd started right away, we would at least have had a bit of a head start. As it is –
(SHE NOTICES SOMETHING AND BREAKS OFF)
Uhm, sorry, what's that?
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Is that a plate of...
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
ALVINA
Scones?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
You made them?
INTERVIEWER
(I LITTLE FLUSTERED) Well since you'll be in here a while I thought you could do with some nourishment and uhm-
ALVINA
You baked Scones?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. I did.
ALVINA
That's... Okay, that's really...
INTERVIEWER
And if you lift the plate...
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Go on. Just… Lift it.
ALVINA
Ok...
(ALVINA LIFTS THE PLATE)
Oh! A present!
INTERVIEWER
A present in a present!
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER
I wanted you to discover it later, by yourself, but -
ALVINA
May I open it? Pleaseee?
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
(ALVINA TEARS OFF THE PAPER)
ALVINA
A clothbound edition of The Lost Girl by D.H. Lawrence! My favourite - I didn't think you remembered that – I-
INTERVIEWER
Do you like it?
ALVINA
I do! Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
Happy Boxing Day Alvina.
ALVINA
The first boxing day I'll be spending in a box.
INTERVIEWER
Right! Right? So you'll do it?
ALVINA
Of course I'll do it, you great big oaf!
(EXCITED INTERVIEWER SIGH)
Look, I'm sorry. It's just... Well, we're all under a lot of pressure right now.
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
ALVINA (CON’T)
This weird case... And then Patrick keeping me awake all night with his squawking...
INTERVIEWER
Hmhm.
ALVINA (CON’T)
But maybe you're right...
INTERVIEWER
About the plan?
ALVINA
I could do with a few hours of peace and quiet. You know what? I won't take any work with me.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) No?
ALVINA
No. I'm just going to snuggle up on these cushions, wrap myself in the blankets and read.
INTERVIEWER
Until we give you the signal to alert Agnes.
ALVINA
What? Oh yes, of course.
INTERVIEWER
Wonderful! It will all go without a hitch!
ALVINA
Let's hope so...
(FROM OUTSIDE THE BOX WE HEAR INFURIATED SQUAWKING)
(SIGHS) I need to go feed Patrick.
INTERVIEWER
How did that partridge get into your office?
ALVINA
I have absolutely no idea.
INTERVIEWER
I mean, we're in the middle of London! I am no ornithologist, but I know partridges are not city birds.
ALVINA
No...
INTERVIEWER
It is most unusual...
ALVINA
Yes... A mystery.
(INTERVIEWER HUMS. MORE SQUAWKING)
Coming Patrick!
(ALVINA AND THE INTERVIEWER CLAMBER OUT OF THE BOX)
INTERVIEWER
I'll just put the last touches on the box. Oh, pine needle or clove and clementine?
ALVINA
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER
What fragrance would you like inside the box?
ALVINA
Oh... That's very thoughtful... Uh... clove and clementine please.
INTERVIEWER
Excellent choice.
ALVINA
See you later then.
INTERVIEWER
See you later.
(ALVINA LEAVES THE WORKSHOP, THE PARTRIDGE WADDLING AND SQUAWKING BEHIND HER. ALVINA CROSSES THE HALL AND STOPS OUTSIDE THE DOOR TO HER OFFICE)
(FROM BEHIND THE DOOR WE CAN HEAR THE COOING OF DOVES)
ALVINA
What the - ? What is that?
(ALVINA OPENS THE DOOR. LOUD COOING)
Doves? Now there are doves? What... what is going on?!
END.