PIP
Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. If you’d like to listen ad free and support the show, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show.
Day 3 is dedicated to our patron David Livingston, a truck driver, who will be driving along the I 16 west towards Macon Georgia, when he spots a bright light, stops his truck, gets out to take a closer look, and is abducted by aliens. By the time his empty truck is found, David will be at the Amelia offices, drinking cocoa, and plotting a new life as a park ranger. Thank you for your support David.
INSIDE THE PRESENT
(MUFFLED VOICES SWAY AND SHIFT FROM SIDE TO SIDE. JOEY AND SALVATORE ARE STRUGGLING WITH THE PRESENT, ALVINA GROANS)
JOEY
It is too heavy!
SALVATORE
Put your back into it!
JOEY
We'll never get this up the stairs!
SALVATORE
We have to deliver the present now or Alvina will run out of oxygen!
JOEY
She has an oxygen tank!
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN)
It's tiny!
(IN ENGLISH)
And she'll run out of scones!
JOEY
Fine...
JOEY AND SALVATORE
Hngh!
(THEY CARRY THE PRESENT UP THE STAIRS)
SALVATORE
Woah! Woah! Careful!
JOEY
Cazzo! Mamma mia!
ALVINA
(NOT MUFFLED)
Oh no... Not again...
(ALVINA RETCHES)
THE OFFICE.
ALVINA (WAKES UP)
Oh God... Oh God I feel sick...
AMELIA
Here's your bucket.
(AMELIA HANDS HER A BUCKET. ALVINA GRABS IS, BUT DOESN'T THROW UP)
ALVINA
It's OK. Where am I? What happened?
AMELIA
You're on the sofa in the hallway.
ALVINA
(TERRIFIED) Who's hallway?
AMELIA
Our hallway, we're back at the office. I'll turn the lights on.
(AMELIA TURNS ON THE LIGHTS)
ALVINA
How did I...
AMELIA
We let you sleep. The disappearance... It didn't quite go to plan.
ALVINA
It didn't? Ugh… Why do I feel so sick?
AMELIA
Do you remember anything?
ALVINA
The last thing I remember is entering the Christmas present...
AMELIA
Those pills Kozlowski gave you must really be something. I should ask him to give me some. Anyway, here's what happened. Do you remember the inside of the present?
ALVINA
Sure. There were fairy lights and a rug and Arthur had made it all cozy. There were... scones?
AMELIA
The scones. Yes. Arthur baked those.
ALVINA
Yeah, I remember that...
AMELIA
He baked those on the 25th, after finishing the Christmas Cake which made the Hollingworth family violently sick.
ALVINA
Right.
AMELIA
He baked them after you used the kitchen to bake mince pies.
ALVINA
Right.
AMELIA
Between him and you, you'd used all the mixing bowls.
ALVINA
Right.
AMELIA
So he quickly rinsed out one of your mixing bowls...
ALVINA
Right.
AMELIA
...which turned out not to be one of your bowls after all, it was one of his bowls...
ALVINA
(REALISES WHAT HAPPENED) Oh no.
AMELIA (CON’T)
...which still had remnants of Kozlowski's secret ingredient in it.
ALVINA
So what you're saying is...
AMELIA
What I'm saying is you can be very happy you don't remember anything.
ALVINA
Tell me.
AMELIA
You'll regret it.
ALVINA
Tell me anyway.
AMELIA
Once safely inside the present, we drove off to the Hollingworths, driving down that bumpy country road. At some point you must have eaten the scones. I'm sure it didn't help that Joey and Salvatore struggled to carry the garden-shed sized present up the front steps. The box was bobbing around like driftwood on a stormy sea. You really got to test your sea legs in there.
ALVINA
Oh, please, don't say what I think you're about to say.
AMELIA (CON’T)
By the time you beckoned Agnes Hollingworth in through the flap, the entire interior of the present was soaked in -
ALVINA
Jesus!
AMELIA (CON’T)
...scones.
(ALVINA GROANS)
Half digested scones.
(GROANS AGAIN)
Mixed with stomach fluids.
ALVINA
(GROANS) Oh, great, now I feel even more sick...
AMELIA
I told you, you didn't want to know.
ALVINA
So, Agnes...?
AMELIA
Snuck into the present via the flap, snuck out again with you once it was out of sight, and... didn't complain once about her escape-pod being drenched in vomit! The most forgiving woman I have ever met. If someone faked my death using a vomit-filled Christmas present, I would have - !
ALVINA
Please stop talking about vomit.
AMELIA
The plan may not have gone without a hiccup - or throw-up -
ALVINA
Oh, come on!
AMELIA (CON’T)
- but it worked! Let's focus on the positive!
ALVINA
Sure... Sure. We'll move on to tomorrow's disappearance. Does Arthur have any ideas for Clarice's death?
AMELIA
You mean Penelope's death.
ALVINA
No, nonono, Clarice. Clarice is the third sister.
AMELIA
Sure, that's today. Tomorrow's Penelope.
alvina
Today's the 27th?! I slept for a whole day?!
AMELIA
Sure, those pills sound- !
ALVINA
But it's already - !
Checking her watch.
Crumbs! 5pm! We need to be on our way to save Clarice NOW! Quick, where's the van? We'll come up with a death on the way there!
(ALVINA TRIES TO GET UP OFF THE SOFA)
Oh... Whoa… Oh, I can't stand...
(AMELIA HELPS HER SIT DOWN AGAIN.)
AMELIA
Relax. Back on the couch now. There you go. There's nothing to worry about, the boys are on their way to Hollingworth Hall as we speak.
ALVINA
But - but don't they need my help? They can’t do this without me.
AMELIA
We decided to give you the day off.
BEAT.
OK, we couldn't wake you up. Kozlowski said there was no point in trying.
BEAT.
But they've got it under control!
ALVINA
What's the plan?
AMELIA
You remember what the Hollingworths do for a living?
ALVINA
Kozlowski's pills might be strong, but I haven't absolutely forgotten everything. Just the last 20 hours it seems... Cuthbert Hollingworth is the head of Hollingworth Holiday Decorations, the Christmas bauble empire.
AMELIA
The Baron of Baubles, the Oligarch of Ornaments, the Tycoon of Trinkets, yes. It's a family business. All the twelve daughters work directly under their father overseeing different parts of production.
ALVINA
Sure.
AMELIA
Do you remember what Clarice does?
ALVINA
She is head of... design and innovation!
AMELIA
Exactly. She's been working on this new bauble design using boughs of holly to construct the bauble itself.
ALVINA
That sounds cool! I want some of those for my tree!
AMELIA
Whatever. She's ordered a container full of holly, which will be delivered to Hollingworth Hall today for inspection before being sent to the factory over in Glossop. Clarice will climb up onto the edge of the container to check the quality of the holly, then she'll slip on the cold, icy metal and fall in.
ALVINA
Into a container full of holly?
Ouch! Holly has the hardest leaves of any plant I know -
AMELIA
- and the sharpest. Flailing about to get out, she'll get so many tiny cuts... she'll end up bleeding to death.
ALVINA
That's... really bleak. Imagine owning a bauble empire, a company of Christmas cheer and holiday happiness, and then you find your third daughter sliced to pieces by an evergreen. I almost feel sorry for Mr. Hollingworth now.
AMELIA
What was in those pills!? Listen, Alvina, have you forgotten who Cuthbert Hollingworth is!?
ALVINA
He's not the best dad ever...
AMELIA
Not the best...? Cuthbert Hollingworth is to the Peak District what... Jafar is to Arabia! He's the Ebenezer Scrooge of Christmas decorations! He's the Lex Luthor of gaudy gimcrack! The Beelzebub of Baubles!
ALVINA
Keeping his daughters locked up is obviously a terrible thing to -
AMELIA
First! He fools around with no less than seven of the sixty two models used in last year's bauble advertising campaign! Then when his wife leaves him - good on her - he punishes his daughters for supporting their mother in the divorce trial! And even when he wins, leaving his ex-wife with nothing but the crumbs of a cheese cracker, he doubles down on the daughters subjecting them all to a never-ending house arrest! The police don't dare touch him, he's too powerful and too well connected, so these poor sisters remain stuck inside Hollingworth Hall for months on end - with no internet! - devising increasingly clever ways of sending notes in and out to at least partially remain in touch with the real world, trying desperately to stay sane! When they finally find us, it's been twelve months since the divorce, Cuthbert the Callous getting crueller by the day, feigning fatherly love and holiday cheer, draping their glum and gleeless existence in a spindly veil of yuletide joy! His daughters cut off from friends, fun, freedom... fucking...!
ALVINA
F... what?
AMELIA
Fucking! Just... fucking!
BEAT.
Dating!
ALVINA
Right. Right.
AMELIA (MORE AND MORE ENRAGED)
And that's just his daughters! I haven't even started talking about how he mistreats the workers over at the Glossop Bauble Plant! Union busting, microscopic salaries, working conditions worthy of an 19th century work house! And mister Hollingworth himself prancing about the premises throwing fits like a reindeer in heat, yelling into your face if a stupid bauble isn't just so!
I have ZERO SYMPATHY for Cuthbert Hollingworth!
ALVINA
Sure. Zero sympathy. Got it.
AMELIA
So when Clarice Hollingworth waltzes in here, in about thirty minutes, covered in seven dozen prosthetic cuts, I will be dancing an elated cha-cha-cha to celebrate her freedom!
BEAT.
ALVINA
You'll actually be dancing? Because I don't think I've ever seen you -
AMELIA
I won't be dancing. That was a metaphor.
BEAT.
ALVINA
(REMEMBERING) I need to feed Patrick!
AMELIA
Patrick? Oh, the partridge.
ALVINA
Could you do it? I don't know if I can get up.
AMELIA
Uh... sure... What do they eat? Uh, I imagine cranberries, thyme, roast parsnip and cider gravy. Oh, wait, that might be what you serve it with.
ALVINA
I NEED to feed the doves too.
amelia
The doves?
ALVINA
I didn't tell you about the doves?
AMELIA
Nope.
ALVINA
Well, there are doves now too.
AMELIA
Right. Did they also just mysteriously appear?
ALVINA
Yup.
AMELIA
Two of them?
ALVINA
Yes, why?
AMELIA
Turtle doves?
ALVINA
Romeo and Juliet are very much in love.
AMELIA
I have this weird feeling...
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
Come with me.
ALVINA
What?
No, I don't really want to stand up-
AMELIA
Just do it. Here you go!
(AMELIA GIVES ALVINA A HAND. ALVINA GETS TO HER FEET, ALTHOUGH IT ISN'T EASY. THEY WALK TOWARDS ALVINA'S OFFICE)
ALVINA
I can just tell you where I put the seeds...!
AMELIA
We're going to your office together.
ALVINA
(SUFFERING) Why?
AMELIA
Here we are...
(AMELIA OPENS ALVINA'S OFFICE DOOR. FROM INSIDE THE CALL OF A PARTRIDGE, THE COOING OF TWO DOVES... AND THE DISTINCT CLUCKING OF THREE FRENCH HENS)
ALVINA
What the...?!
AMELIA
That's what I thought.
ALVINA
There are three chickens in my office! Why are there three chickens in my office?
AMELIA
Hens. French hens.
ALVINA
Since when are you a bird expert?
AMELIA
I'm not. Also, I'm not as Christmas-illiterate as you might think.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
AMELIA
A partridge in a pear tree? Two turtle doves? Three French hens?
ALVINA
French hens-
AMELIA
It's the song, Alvina! Twelve Birds of Christmas or whatever!
ALVINA
The Twelve Days of Christmas. But… What does this mean?
AMELIA
Isn't it obvious?
ALVINA
No…?
AMELIA
Someone likes you, Alvina! You have a true love.
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
(SING-SONG) Secret suitor!
(CLUCKING FADES OUT)
END OF EPISODE.