PIP
Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached The AMELIA Project. If you’d like to listen ad free and support the show, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting Ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show. You’ll also get to watch a behind the scenes video about the making of this festive series.
Day 4 is dedicated to our patron Sunny D Anomaly, whose death we will fake via angry mob, and who we will resurface in Arizona as the proprietor of a cat and cactus farm called Kitty Cactus. Thanks for your support, Sunny.
ALVINA'S OFFICE.
(SQUAWKING, COOING, CLUCKING)
ALVINA
Patrick! Leave Romeo and Juliet alone, they don't like to be disturbed –
(LOUD PARTRIDGE SQUAWKS)
Hey! Hey! Patrick! Stop that! Are you trying to impress Juliet?
(TMORE SQUAKING. CHAOS. FEATHERS FLUFFING)
You know Romeo gets very possessive about Juliet and - Romeo? Romeo! What are you do –
(ONE OF THE DOVES ATTACKS THE PARTRIDGE)
Hey hey hey Romeo! Don't pick a fight with a bird three times your size! Let's all play nice!
(LOUD CLUCKING)
No no no, Jacques, Serge and Francoise, do not pile in! Stay away! Stay away!
(ALVINA TRIES TO SHOO AWAY THE HENS, BUT SHE IS UNSUCCESSFUL AND THEY JOIN THE FRAY)
Shoo! Shoo! Non! Jacques! Arrêtes a tout de suite! Serge Laisses cette colombe tranquille maintenant !
Why am I speaking French? What even is a French hen?
(WINGS ARE FLAPPED AND FEATHERS TORN AS ALL SIX BIRDS PECK AT EACH OTHER)
Gah- A great bloody nuisance, that's what they are –
(A KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
Yes! Please! Please, come in! I need help!
(AMELIA ENTERS AND THE BIRDS IMMEDIATELY SETTLE DOWN)
AMELIA
Oh look. Aren't they cute?
(THE DOVES COO TENDERLY)
ALVINA
Uh- What- They were just...!
AMELIA
Yes?
ALVINA
Fighting!
AMELIA
Fighting?
ALVINA
Full on fighting! Seriously! It was like a Hitchcock horror in here!
AMELIA
Well, they look perfectly calm now.
ALVINA
Huh. Perhaps you have a calming effect on birds.
AMELIA
Perhaps I do.
ALVINA
Why don't you take them?
AMELIA
Oh me? No, I couldn't possibly.
ALVINA
Thought you said they're cute. Look at them, look at their little feathers, they’re so fluffy, Amelia please!
AMELIA
Yes, but these are your gifts! From your looooooover!
ALVINA
(GIGGLING) Stop!
BEAT.
Why did you come Amelia?
AMELIA
To see if you've come up with a solution yet of course!
ALVINA
Oh, yes. I have!
AMELIA
You have?
ALVINA
Yes! I've been mulling it all night and I think I've figured out something really good. Want to hear it?
AMELIA
Shoot.
ALVINA
You know how in every family there's always a squabble about when's the right time to take down the Christmas decorations?
AMELIA
Uh...
ALVINA (CON’T)
Yes yes, I know you think there's never a right time for Christmas decorations to begin with, but -
AMELIA
No, no I -
ALVINA (CON’T)
Personally I think it's sad to take everything down right after Boxing Day, you know? I like to keep up the tree and wreath and cards and bunting for at least the full twelve days of Christmas.
AMELIA
I always used to think the twelve days were leading up to Christmas.
ALVINA
No no, it's the days after Christmas, from Christmas to Epiphany.
AMELIA
Whose epiphany?
ALVINA
Three Kings' Day!
AMELIA
The three kings turned up that late?
ALVINA
Ice on the roads. Anyway, I figure this argument about Christmas decorations will be had in the Hollingworth household too, right?
AMELIA
Oh, I see.
ALVINA
Penelope, who to her family's dismay has always been more of a spring person, insists it's time to box up the baubles, to the intense protestations of her eleven sisters.
AMELIA
Eight.
ALVINA
Sorry?
AMELIA
Eight sisters. We've already evacuated three of them, so -
ALVINA
Oh. Yes of course.
AMELIA
Also, baubles are the bedrock of the Hollingworth family fortune. I would imagine Mr Hollingworth keeps them up all year.
ALVINA
And the other daughters agree! But Penelope is all baubled out.
(AMELIA SNORTS)
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
It's such a silly word.
ALVINA
What?
AMELIA
Bauble.
ALVINA
Is it?
AMELIA
In the States we call them ornaments.
ALVINA
Hm. I prefer bauble. Bauble. Bauble. Bauble. Bauble. Bauble. Huh it is a funny word. Bauble. Bauble. Bauble. Bauble.
(THE FRENCH HENS JOIN IN "BAUBLING." ALVINA INTONATES IT DIFFERENTLY EVERY TIME)
Bauble. Bauble. Bauble. Damn. What's that thing when a word loses its meaning and just becomes a meaningless sound?
AMELIA
Ah… Semantic satiation.
ALVINA
Bauble. Bauble. Bauble. Bauble.
AMELIA
Ugh! Focus Alvina!
ALVINA
Right. Sorry. Sorry. So, Penelope insists on taking down the... ornaments, and she starts with the huge golden one hanging in the entrance hall, you know the one with the giant Holligworth crest?
AMELIA
Uhuhm.
ALVINA (CON’T)
But she's all on her own, the others refuse to help, and with nobody to hold the ladder...
AMELIA
I see where this is going...
ALVINA (CON’T)
She loses balance, the ladder falls, she clutches onto the...
AMELIA
You can do it.
ALVINA
(WITH DIFFICULTY) Bauble! (SNORTS)
AMELIA
I had such high hopes!
ALVINA (CON’T)
She stays hanging there for a few seconds, until the string snaps, and Penelope and the... bauble -
AMELIA
You did it!
ALVINA (CON’T)
- come crashing down. The family find her on the hallway floor, bleeding to death among giant shards of glass.
AMELIA
Nice. I'm sure Arthur can work with that.
But that's not actually what I meant when I asked if you'd come up with a solution.
ALVINA
No?
AMELIA
No.
ALVINA
Then… what did you mean?
AMELIA
Whether you're any closer to uncovering the identity of your secret suitor!
ALVINA
Oh...
AMELIA
Well?
ALVINA
Well, you know Amelia, I've honestly been too busy with all this Hollingworth business to -
AMELIA
Alvina.
ALVINA
Oh ok. I have given it some thought.
AMELIA
(EXCITED) Yes?
ALVINA
I mean Sven is the obvious one of course -
AMELIA
Yes! I was also thinking Sven!
ALVINA
You remember Sven?
AMELIA
Oh, oh we all remember Sven. Salvatore was very jealous.
ALVINA
Really? Salvatore... I... You think...?
AMELIA
Oh, no, I mean about the fact that we hired in an external explosives’ expert!
ALVINA
(RELIEVED) Oh. Right. Yes.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Well Sven sure did know how to make a bang.
AMELIA
Oh did he now?
(ALVINA SNORTS)
(DREAMY) I don't know what was more impressive, the way he pulled of that tank top and the dragon tattoos, how he managed to flirt with both you and Joey simultaneously, or the way he blew up the viaduct.
ALVINA
Admit it, even you had a thing for Sven.
AMELIA
(FLUSTERED) Oh please.
ALVINA
But birds... It's not really his style... is it?
AMELIA
Nah, you're right... Mustaffa?
ALVINA
Well, he's certainly romantic enough, but he's Muslim... Would he really choose to follow a Christmas song?
AMELIA
Fair point.
THINKS
You don't think Igor is back again, do you?
ALVINA
Nah. Not after Joey and Salvatore warned him they would strangle him with his own intestines if he ever came within ten kilometres of me.
AMELIA
Valid. So, who are we looking for... someone romantic...
ALVINA
The thought is romantic... But having to deal with the realities, the constant noise and defecating and –
(ANGRY CLUCKING)
(SHOUTS AT A HEN) Françoise! Ne chie pas sur Serge!
AMELIA
Ok... so someone impulsive... who doesn't really think things through...
ALVINA (OVERLAPPING)
Et pas sur les...
(SIGHS)
Can't they shit somewhere other than on the case files for once?
AMELIA
(STIFLING A LAUGH) It is quite funny.
ALVINA
As I said, you're welcome to have them.
AMELIA
Maybe someone with a sense of humour?
ALVINA
(RUEFULLY)
Someone who likes to play pranks.
BEAT.
Oh god.
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
I know who it is.
AMELIA
You do?
ALVINA
GROANS
It's him!
AMELIA
Who?
ALVINA
Arthur!
AMELIA
Oh no. Nonono. You think?
ALVINA
It's just the sort of childish thing he would do, isn't it?
AMELIA
Oh dear...
ALVINA (CON’T)
And he's kind of peeved we didn't get to celebrate a proper Christmas this year, so I reckon he's amusing himself by playing a Christmas prank!
AMELIA
I mean, ugh, it makes sense... He does have access to your office and...
ALVINA
Agh! I can't believe he would go to so much effort, planning an elaborate stunt like this, when he should be putting all his thought into the Hollingworth case!
AMELIA
I agree.
ALVINA
Right. I'm going to see him. I'm going to have a word with him right now.
AMELIA
We both will.
(AMELIA AND ALVINA LEAVE THE OFFICE AND STRIDE DOWN THE HALLWAY TO THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE)
ALVINA
Sometimes I just want to take him by the bow tie and shake some sense into that juvenile brain of his.
AMELIA
Argh. This is so disappointing.
ALVINA
Disappointing?
AMELIA
I was so excited about your secret suitor.
ALVINA
Hang on.
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
Listen.
(FROM BEHIND THE INTERVIEWER'S DOOR WE HEAR A MIXTURE OF BIRDSONG AND FRUSTRATED SHOUTS)
AMELIA
Four calling birds!
ALVINA
Ha! We're about to catch him red handed! Ready?
AMELIA
Ready.
(AMELIA AND ALVINA STORM INTO THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE)
ALVINA
Got you.
(THE INTERVIEWER IS DARTING AROUND THE OFFICE, TRYING TO CATCH THE ELUSIVE BIRDS)
AMELIA
The game's up, we know what you're up to.
INTERVIEWER
A game? I'd love to, but as you can see I'm rather busy –
(THE CLATTER OF GLASS AS ONE OF THE BIRDS FLIES INTO A CARAFE AND SENDS IT CRASHING FROM THE SHELF)
INTERVIEWER
(FRUSTRATED SHOUT)
AMELIA
What's with those birds?
ALVINA
My office almost seems peaceful in comparison...
INTERVIEWER
Don't just stand there! Help me!
ALVINA
Help you? Ha!
INTERVIEWER
Yes! We have to catch these birds!
AMELIA
So you can what? Hide them in Alvina's closet?
INTERVIEWER
Alvina's closet? What on earth are you talking about!
AMELIA
We know about the birds!
INTERVIEWER
Well of course you do, it's impossible to miss them!
(ANOTHER CRASH OF SOMETHING SHATTERING)
AMELIA
No, I mean we know about this whole little scheme.
INTERVIEWER
Scheme?
AMELIA
How the birds got here.
INTERVIEWER
You do? Then tell me! Because I'm stumped. I swear the window was closed, I swear!
ALVINA
I think he's telling the truth.
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
Wha- Wait, you really don't know where these birds came from?
INTERVIEWER
How would I?
ALVINA
(SLOWLY) A partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds!
INTERVIEWER
Oh... oh! It's the song! Oh this is rather good!
ALVINA
Told you he'd like it.
INTERVIEWER
Oh and you think...?
AMELIA
It's not you?
INTERVIEWER
Me? Who? The true love? Gosh no.
ALVINA
Then who is it?
AMELIA
We have to put a stop to this before it gets out of control.
ALVINA
I agree.
AMELIA
I suggest we get Joey and Salvatore on the case. Put them on night watch... Oh! They can booby trap the office! We'll catch this prankster! Nip this in the bud!
INTERVIEWER
Wait.
AMELIA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Not yet.
AMELIA
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
Let's not nip this in the bud just yet.
ALVINA
You don't think we've got enough on our plates, without the constant cacophony of feathery friends?
INTERVIEWER
But tomorrow's different, isn't it?
ALVINA
Is it?
INTERVIEWER
The fifth day of Christmas...
AMELIA
Uh… What's that one again?
INTERVIEWER
(CLEARS HIS THROAT, THEN SINGS)
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me a partridge in a pear tree.
AMELIA
Oh, you can just skip to the -
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me two turtle doves and a partridge in a pear tree.
AMELIA
You just have to sing the whole thing, don't you?
(ALVINA JOINS IN. THEY BOTH IGNORE AMELIA)
INTERVIEWER & ALVINA
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…
AMELIA
Not you too!
INTERVIEWER & ALVINA (CON’T)
- three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
On the fourth day of Christmas-
AMELIA
(SINGING ALONG)
We fast forward to the fifth!
INTERVIEWER & ALVINA
(IGNORING HER EVEN MORE)
- my true love gave to me: four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree.
(ALVINA STOPS SINGING)
INTERVIEWER
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...
(HE PAUSES FOR EFFECT...)
AMELIA
Finally.
ALVINA
Oh! I remember!
AMELIA
Wait...! It's -
INTERVIEWER & ALVINA
(SINGING TOGETHER)
Five gold rings!
END.