PIP
Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. If you’d like to listen ad free and support the show, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show. You’ll also get to watch a behind the scenes video about the making of this festive series.
Day 5 is dedicated to our patrons Lee and Vee Hewerdine, who will fall from the Tokyo Tower and reappear as undertakers on a small island in the English Channel. Thanks Lee and Vee.
5 AM BY THE COFFEE MAKER.
(THE INTERVIEWER BURSTS INTO THE OFFICE, WITH HIS TOOTHBRUSH STILL IN HIS MOUTH. ALVINA IS MAKING COFFEE)
INTERVIEWER
Ao yo foun eny gou jings?
ALVINA
Wow, you're early too. You know it's 5 am, right?
INTERVIEWER
Yech, yech, bu ave yo sheen eny gou jings enywea?
ALVINA
Uhm... what?
INTERVIEWER
Gou jings!
(SPEAKING LOUDLY AND CLEARLY - BUT STILL WITH THE TOOTHBRUSH IN)
AU - YO - FHOUN - AY - GOU - JINGS!
ALVINA
How about you take the toothbrush out before you start talking?
INTERVIEWER
Wa? Wa de yo mea - O. Ajright.
(HE TAKES THE TOOTHBRUSH OUT)
I forgot that was there.
(HE GOES OVER TO THE SINK, RINSES, GARGLES, SPITS, THEN FLUSHES THE SINK OUT)
ALVINA
You forgot the toothbrush was in your mouth?
INTERVIEWER
I was too exited thinking about the...
(SINGS) Five gold rings!
ALVINA
Did you sleep here?
INTERVIEWER
At the office? No, I came from home.
ALVINA
But you brushed your teeth here?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
You came all the way from home with your toothbrush still in your mouth?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, it would appear so…
ALVINA
You are the most scatterbrained -
INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING)
Focused! I'm focused on the important things!
ALVINA
Like?
INTERVIEWER
Like -
(SINGS LOUDER) Five gold rings!
ALVINA
Ugh! It’s too early! Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there are no rings yet. None on my desk, none on Amelia's desk and none on your desk. I checked.
INTERVIEWER
What about in the workshop? The van? The archive? Kozlowski's lab? The beetle?
ALVINA
Checked, checked, checked, don't dare enter, but he told me there weren't any, checked.
INTERVIEWER
Why are you here so early then?
ALVINA
What? I'm always early.
INTERVIEWER
Not this early.
BEAT.
ALVINA
(SPLUTTERS) Fine! I wanted to see if any rings had appeared.
INTERVIEWER
I knew it!
9 AM IN THE VAN.
(THE VAN SLIDES OPEN, AMELIA ENTERS AND SLIDES THE DOOR BACK SHUT.)
AMELIA
Good morning, boys.
INTERVIEWER
Good morning!
JOEY
Buongiorno!
SALVATORE
Buongiorno, Amelia!
AMELIA
Seen any yet?
JOEY
Any what?
INTERVIEWER
None so far.
AMELIA
You've checked all your fingers?
INTERVIEWER
All twelve.
BEAT.
AMELIA
Ha, I actually had to check!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Nono, I only have ten.
AMELIA
Kozlowski could have gotten up to something...
BEAT.
Well, sometimes the gifts have appeared later in the day, haven't they?
INTERVIEWER
They have.
SALVATORE
What gifts?
JOEY
Are we getting more Christmas presents? Maybe I'll still get some of them nunchakus!
AMELIA
We'll just have to wait.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
JOEY
I had waited for weeks and then all I got was socks!
INTERVIEWER
You can never have too many socks.
AMELIA
Socks are good.
INTERVIEWER
They had coffin print!
BEAT.
AMELIA
How's stakeout life?
JOEY
Boring!
INTERVIEWER
Joey, I asked you if you wanted to play Tiddlywinks, but you turned me down!
JOEY
You always win!
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES) I do! It’s true.
JOEY
And Salvatore always cheats...
SALVATORE
(CHUCKLES) I do!
AMELIA
Have you got a plan for Sybil's disappearance?
INTERVIEWER
I think we've got a good one!
AMELIA
Hit me.
INTERVIEWER
Grab a seat. Salvatore, hand Amelia a cushion, will you?
SALVATORE
Of course! Prego.
(SALVATORE GIVES AMELIA A CUSHION. SHE SITS DOWN)
INTERVIEWER
The van might not be big, but we try to make it comfy. Biscuit? I've got German Zimtsterne and Pecan Snowballs.
AMELIA
I'm good. The plan?
INTERVIEWER
Disappearance by Mulled Wine!
AMELIA
Colour me intrigued.
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski has equipped the sisters with a small bottle of LSD. They will lace Mr. Hollingsworth's cup of Mulled Wine and wait for him to start hallucinating.
AMELIA
OK.
INTERVIEWER
Once daddy's skipping like a schoolgirl through Strawberry Fields, Joey and Salvatore will dance into the drawing room dressed- (LAUGHS AND STOPS) Dressed in colour-changing polka-dotted snowman costumes, belting our very own mashup of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer and Insane in the brain, insane in the membrane. We added harmonies! Would you like to hear it?
AMELIA
Please spare me.
JOEY
We're very good!
INTERVIEWER
Anyway. At this point Daddy Hollingworth will be so out of it he won't even realise what’s going on. Sybil will be whisked away to the North Pole by two singing, blinking snowmen! And I don't expect daddy will attempt to stop her. My guess is he'll be cheering her on: (MASSIVELY ENJOYING HIMSELF)
"Go Sybil! Go conquer the icy north! Say hi to Santa from daddy, tell him I've been a good little boy!"
AMELIA
Wow. Trippy.
INTERVIEWER
Indeed.
AMELIA
So when's this happening?
INTERVIEWER
Well, that's the thing... We can't agree! What is the best time to drink mulled wine?
AMELIA
Uh - whenever. The more wine and the less 'mull' the better.
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore reckoned we could have the sisters serve it for breakfast, but I said that wouldn't fly at all! No one drinks mulled wine first thing in the morning! But the question remains: Is it better served in the afternoon, perhaps in place of high-tea, or is it more appropriate before dinner as an aperitif, or before bedtime, as a night cap?
AMELIA
Arthur.
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
AMELIA
Get it done.
INTERVIEWER
9 AM is very early -
AMELIA
Lunch. They'll have Mulled Wine with lunch.
INTERVIEWER
We'll let the sisters know.
AMELIA
Great. I'll be back in about four hours then.
(AMELIA CLIMBS BACK OUT OF THE VAN)
1 PM IN THE VAN.
(AMELIA ENTERS THE VAN)
AMELIA
Hi, boys.
INTERVIEWER
Afternoon, guv'nor!
AMELIA
Guv'nor?
INTERVIEWER
Just trying it out.
JOEY
Buon pomeriggio!
SALVATORE
Buon pomeriggio, Amelia!
AMELIA
Bon... pomegranate to you too. So, how did it go?
JOEY
Ah! It was funny!
SALVATORE
The best disappearance we've done in a long time!
JOEY
Please, can we do every disappearance like this?
SALVATORE
We sounded like the three tenors, our harmonizing was so good!
JOEY
(LAUGHS) I was like Pavarotti!
SALVATORE
I want to be Pavarotti!
JOEY
You can be Placido Domingo.
SALVATORE
That's like saying you get to be Mario and I have to be Luigi!
JOEY
(LAUGHING) No - it's like saying you have to be Toad!
SALVATORE
Bastardo!
INTERVIEWER
Hey, hey, boys, calm down! We were having such fun, don't ruin it!
AMELIA
So what I'm to take from this?
INTERVIEWER
That I get to be Jose Carreras.
AMELIA
The disappearance. Did it go well?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Oh, yes, even better than planned!
AMELIA
Tell me.
INTERVIEWER
Well! Mister Hollingworth seems to be very receptive to lysergic acid diethylamide!
AMELIA
In English?
INTERVIEWER
LSD! Not only did mister Hollingworth jenkka through the halls pulling Snow-Joe and Blinky-blinky with him, he was singing along! Yes! Crooning 'Feliz Navidad' in a surprisingly fabulous falsetto!
AMELIA
Weren't they singing 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer' and 'Insane in the Membrane'?
INTERVIEWER
Joey and Salvatore were. Mister Hollingworth was not. Then, he indulged in a game of Musical Chairs with all the party guests, including the Cat in the Hat, Ferdinand the bull, Rita Hayworth and the Easter Bunny!
AMELIA
Rita Hayworth and the Ea...?
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) Guests only he could see. Finally, he adorned Sybil with kitschy trinkets until she looked like a full blown Christmas Tree – (SOBERLY) poor gal, normally she only wears grey – (EXCITED) and sent her lovingly on her way to the tune of "Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!" whistled in a two-part harmony!
AMELIA
Wow.
INTERVIEWER
It was an unquestionable success!
BEAT.
Though I hope they remembered not to spike the saucepan, and only their father's cup. Otherwise they're in for a very interesting evening.
AMELIA
Where's Sybil now?
INTERVIEWER
In the beetle with Alvina, on their way to the safe house.
AMELIA
Well done boys! Excellent work.
JOEY
Yay!
SALVATORE
Molto bene!
INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
AMELIA
So, have you seen any yet?
INTERVIEWER
Still none...
SALVATORE
Scusa, Amelia, but what are you talking about?
AMELIA
Oh, sorry - the gold rings. Have you seen any?
BEAT.
SALVATORE
Gold rings?
10 PM AT THE OFFICE.
(THE BIRDS ARE SLEEPING AROUND THE ROOM. QUIET BIRD-SNORING IN THE BACKGROUND.
ALVINA IS POURING HERSELF A CUP OF TEA. SHE TAKES A SIP.)
ALVINA
(SOFTLY)
Mmmm. Warming! Do you want some green tea, Amelia?
AMELIA
(LOUD, FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM) What's that, Alvina?
ALVINA
(QUIETLY) Shhh! Don't wake the birds!
AMELIA
(QUIET) Sorry, sorry!
ALVINA
Green tea?
AMELIA
I'm nursing a seven year old single malt, I'm good.
(AMELIA TAKES A SIP. PUTS THE GLASS DOWN)
ALVINA
Arthur?
INTERVIEWER
I still have some mulled wine left over.
AMELIA
Left over mulled wine?
INTERVIEWER
(HE SIPS) Not from the Hollingworth batch! I was talking about mulled wine all morning, I just had to make some when I got back.
ALVINA
So… (SINGS) Five gold rings?
AMELIA
Nope.
INTERVIEWER
I haven't seen any.
ALVINA
Were the birds just a coincidence then?
AMELIA
What, they just happened to fly in here? And the partridge just happened to be carrying a potted pear tree?
ALVINA
No, I don't mean -
INTERVIEWER
Maybe the prankster has given up? You know, I've been thinking it might have been a revenge plot!
ALVINA
Revenge by a Christmas Carol copy-cat?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! But whoever's been doing it realized giving us five gold rings didn't really hurt us that much, so they stopped.
ALVINA
And who do you imagine it might have been?
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps one of the other death faking agencies? Getting back at us for stealing their clients! Amelia, who did the Hollingworths approach first?
AMELIA
Us, I think.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Well, maybe an unhappy client then... Or an angry reject who wanted to give us a slap on the wrist! Remember that dentist I turned away, who had been exposed peddling candy to kids to benefit her business?
AMELIA
Or... Alvina's true love found himself a new bird!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) New bird!
ALVINA
(NOT AMUSED) Ha ha... Very funny. That's not much of a true love, then is it!
AMELIA
Eh. Maybe that's the point of the song. If you can keep up these gifts for twelve days, you know you're serious. But if you give up after the Calling Birds... it wasn't meant to be.
ALVINA
Well, whichever way, I think we can be grateful this is all over. We would have had some hefty chaos to deal with in the coming days! At least this means there won’t be 'six geese a laying' tomorrow!
INTERVIEWER
HURRAY!
(THE BIRDS WAKE UP GAWKING AND FLAPPING!)
AMELIA & ALVINA
Shhhhhh!
INTERVIEWER
Oopsie…
END.