PIP
Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. If you’re enjoying this series and would like to support our work, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show. You’ll be able to listen ad free and get to watch a behind the scenes video about the making of this festive series.
Day 6 is dedicated to our patron Toni Fisher who will get poisoned licking a postage stamp and will reappear as a Sushi chef in Dublin. Thank you so much Toni!
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA ARE TRUDGING THROUGH THE SNOW TOWARDS THE OFFICE)
ALVINA
It's a great idea!
INTERVIEWER
I think so too!
ALVINA
This way we can rescue the sixth Hollingworth girl and catch up on caroling! It's bad enough we missed Love Actually this year, but caroling -
INTERVIEWER
You think we can get the Grinch to join us?
ALVINA
She'll have to! The plan depends on it!
(A SNOWBALL HITS ALVINA IN THE FACE)
ALVINA
Ouch! Oi!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING HIS HEAD OFF)
ALVINA
Where did that snowball come from - ? Who - ? Is that Joey hiding behind the van?
(INTERVIEWER IS STILL LAUGHING)
INTERVIEWER
Good aim Joey! Bravo! Bravo! Very well do –
(A SNOWBALL HITS THE INTERVIEWER IN THE MOUTH. ALVINA IS NOW LAUGHING)
INTERVIEWER
(SPITTING OUT SNOW)
Blergh! Ugh! Bah!
ALVINA
(LAUGHING)
Nice one Salvatore! Right in the gob!
(THE INTERVIEWER GATHERS ARMFULS OF SNOW)
INTERVIEWER
Those bloody Italians! Just wait until I -
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN)
Quick! Run!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE RUN OFF THROUGH THE SNOW)
INTERVIEWER
I'm going to catch up with you!
ALVINA
Don't bother they're -
INTERVIEWER
And when I do –
(THE INTERVIEWER TRIPS)
Woah!
ALVINA
Watch out!
THE INTERVIEWER LANDS SPLAT ON HIS FACE. ALVINA LAUGHS)
INTERVIEWER
(SPITS OUT MORE SNOW)
ALVINA
Want me to help you up?
INTERVIEWER
(NOT POUTING) No, I'm fine Alvina.
(HE GETS UP)
ALVINA
Well come on. We've got a concert to prepare.
(THEY WALK UP TO THE OFFICE DOOR AND ALVINA PRESSES A BUZZER. THROUGH THE SPEAKER WE HEAR THE CACKLING OF GEESE)
ALVINA
What the - ?
AMELIA (THROUGH THE SPEAKER)
Code word?
ALVINA
Ugh. (QUIETLY) Bauble. What's going on Amelia?
(THE DOOR BUZZES OPEN. THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA STEP INTO THE ENTRANCE HALL WHERE A STRESSED AMELIA IS HERDING SIX ANGRY GEESE)
AMELIA
Geese. I mean guess. Damnit! I can not believe this is happening right now.
Hi…
ALVINA
Oh no.
INTERVIEWER
Six geese.
(THE GEESE HISS)
ALVINA
Six- ow!- angry geese. Why are they so angry?
AMELIA
Six for now... Soon there will be twelve.
ALVINA
Twelve? What on earth do you mean?
AMELIA
Six geese a laying!
ALVINA
Oh no!
AMELIA
They've been laying eggs all over the office.
ALVINA
Get away! Get away from me!
(ALVINA FIGHTS THE GEESE, ALVINA GROANS)
Of course! That's why they're so aggressive. They're protecting their –
(A GOOSE STARTS NIPPING AT ALVINA'S LEGS)
ALVINA
Shoo! Shoo! Stop nipping at my - Argh!
AMELIA (OVERLAPPING)
Come on, this way-
INTERVIEWER
Alright Alvina here's what you do. Stay calm -
ALVINA
Stay calm?! You try staying calm when -
INTERVIEWER
Hold eye contact with the goose,
ALVINA
Okay, okay, holding eye contact-
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-keep your chest facing it,
ALVINA (OVERLAPPING)
Staying calm…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
-then back away maintaining a neutral demeanour.
ALVINA
(BACKING AWAY) It's still following me...
AMELIA
Since when are you a goose expert?
INTERVIEWER
No time to explain, but this technique saved Kozlowski and I when we were attacked by a particularly pugnacious flock in northern Alaska.
ALVINA
Are you sure I should be maintaining eye contact?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! At all costs!
ALVINA
(SCARED) It just seems to be making it angrier?
INTERVIEWER
Now, spread your arms to make yourself look bigger.
ALVINA
Okay, okay okay - I'm spreading my arms, I'm making myself look big and scary, I'm –
(THE GOOSE FLIES AT ALVINA)
(ALVINA SCREAMS!)
AMELIA
Oh shit!
Interviewer
Duck!!!
(ALVINA DARTS ACROSS THE ROOM, HIDING FROM THE GOOSE)
AMELIA
Are you alright Alvina?
INTERVIEWER
Must have been a different kind of goose back in Alaska...
AMELIA
Where did she go?
INTERVIEWER
I... I don't know. Alvina?
ALVINA
(A MUFFLED KNOCK)
I'm here.
AMELIA
Where?
ALVINA
(MUFFLED)
In here.
INTERVIEWER
In the coffin?
ALVINA
MUFFLED
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Careful, that's for Estelle Oliveira's death next month -
AMELIA
You can come out Alvina. I think the goose has settled down.
ALVINA
(MUFFLED)
I think I'd rather stay.
INTERVIEWER
You can't sing from in there Alvina!
AMELIA
Sing?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! We have a plan to evacuate Natalie Hollingworth.
AMELIA
That involves singing?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
AMELIA
I don't like this plan.
ALVINA
(MUFFLED)
Hear him out Amelia!
AMELIA
Fine. As long as I don't have to sing.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, but you do! You see, we will pose as carolers...
AMELIA
No no no, I hate singing!
INTERVIEWER
But Mr Hollingworth loves it.
AMELIA
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
Yesterday! He was belting out Feliz Navidad like the Ghost of Christmas Present on LSD!
AMELIA
Well that's because he was on LSD...
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes, that's right. But still. He obviously loved Christmas songs!
AMELIA
(SCEPTICAL)
So what's the plan?
INTERVIEWER
Alvina and I have procured six Santa costumes -
AMELIA
Ugh, just when I thought this couldn't get any worse!
INTERVIEWER
We even got one in Kozlowski's size! So we'll dress up as caroling Santas...
AMELIA
(GROANS)
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
... take up position outside Hollingworth Hall, ring the bell and break into festive song!
ALVINA
(MUFFLED SINGING) Deck the halls with bows of holly falalalala lalalala!
AMELIA
It's the thirtieth of December! Much too late for carols!
INTERVIEWER
We're still well within the twelve days of Christmas!
AMELIA
The twelve blasted days of Christmas. And here I was, thinking the whole ordeal ended on the night of the 25th. Turns out that's just the beginning.
INTERVIEWER
Admit it. That's why you accepted this case isn't it? So that we'd miss Christmas?
AMELIA
What? No!
ALVINA
(MUFFLED) We're not even getting paid!
AMELIA
They mentioned family heirlooms...
INTERVIEWER
(SCOFFS)
AMELIA
Okay, for you Christmas may be about putting on hats and singing silly songs, for me it's about...
Interviewer
The Amelia Project is not a charity!
AMELIA
Okay, don't tell me helping those women isn't a worthwhile thing to do!
BEAT.
(SIGHS) So tell me about this plan.
INTERVIEWER
Right. So, we ring the bell, start singing, and Mr Hollingworth and his daughters come out to greet us. If we're right about Cuthbert's musical proclivities, he'll soon join in. As will the daughters. Then we take their hands and start dancing.
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Dancing.
Interviewer
Amid the merry confusion, we kit Natalie out with a hat, beard, and gown, and she becomes a caroler! By the time Cuthbert has caught his breath and the music has stopped ringing in his ears, we will be in the van, with Natalie, headed for London.
AMELIA
Hm. What will we sing?
(ALVINA CLAMBERS OUT OF THE COFFIN)
ALVINA
I know!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Isn't it obvious?
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
The Twelve Days of Christmas!
INTERVIEWER
Of course!
AMELIA
(LONG GROAN)
ALVINA
I'll just go and get the guitar from my office.
(ALVINA HEADS TO HER OFFICE)
We're going to have to give a rousing rendition if we want to distract Mr Hollingworth!
INTERVIEWER
Yes! And get him to join in.
AMELIA
Alvina! Don't open –
(TOO LATE)
- that door.
ALVINA
Why ever not –
(ALVINA OPENS THE DOOR TO HER OFFICE)
AMELIA
Oh no.
(AND IT HAPPENS. THE PARTRIDGE, TWO TURTLE DOVES, THREE FRENCH HENS AND FOUR CALLING BIRDS, ALL COME FLAPPING, FLYING, SQUAWKING OUT OF THE OFFICE)
AMELIA
What have you done Alvina!
ALVINA
Well why did you put them all in my office?
AMELIA
It's only fair we spread about the poop!
ALVINA
Spread around the - ? I had them in my office for -
INTERVIEWER
Stop arguing you two! Alvina, go get that guitar.
ALVINA
Ok ok.
(BIRD SOUNDS)
AMELIA
At least now it's the other birds they're attacking, not us.
(ALVINA COMES BACK WITH THE GUITAR)
ALVINA
Right. Ready?
(ALVINA STRUMS THE GUITAR)
ALVINA
Here we go!
INTERVIEWER, ALVINA, AMELIA
(SINGING)
On the first day of Christmas / my true love gave to me / a partridge in a pear tree.
(THE PARTRIDGE SQUAWKS AND BRUSHES AGAINST ALVINA'S LEG)
ALVINA
Yes Patrick, I'll feed you in a minute, I just have to finish this song, alright.
INTERVIEWER, ALVINA, AMELIA
(SINGING)
On the second day of Christmas / my true love gave to me / two turtle doves / and a partridge in a pear tree.
Mating sounds from the doves.
AMELIA
Oh my God, are Romeo and Juliet...
INTERVIEWER
Copulating? I think they are.
AMELIA
Ugh. Take it elsewhere you two!
INTERVIEWER, ALVINA, AMELIA
(SINGING)
On the third day of Christmas /nmy true love gave to me / three French hens / two turtle doves / and a partridge in a pear tree.
ALVINA
(FAST)
Serge, arrête de picorer le canapa, Françoise arrête de chier sur les livres et Jaques aligne-toi de cette oie !
INTERVIEWER, ALVINA, AMELIA
(SINGING)
On the fourth day of Christmas / my true love gave to me / four calling birds / three French hens / two turtle doves/and a partridge in a pear tree.
INTERVIEWER
Duck!
(THEY ALL DUCK AS THE FOUR CALLING BIRDS COME NOISILY SWISHING PAST JUST ABOVE THEIR HEADS)
INTERVIEWER, ALVINA, AMELIA
(SINGING)
On the fifth day of Christmas / my true love gave to me / five gold rings
AMELIA
Yeah, right. I wish.
INTERVIEWER, ALVINA
(SINGING)
four calling birds / three French hens / two turtle doves / and a partridge in a pear tree.
INTERVIEWER, ALVINA, AMELIA
(SINGING)
On the sixth day of Christmas / my true love gave to me / six geese-a-laying -
ALVINA
(BREAKING OFF, MID SONG)
(EGG-CRACKING SOUNDS)
Whoah! Look at that!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
What is it?
ALVINA
That egg! It's... it's hatching!
AMELIA
Oh wow!
INTERVIEWER
This is so exciting!
ALVINA
I've never seen this before! Not for real!
(THE THREE OF THEM WATCH THE EGG HATCH, LETTING OUT GASPS AND SQUEALS)
AMELIA
Oh my, look at that little beak!
ALVINA
That fluffy little face!
INTERVIEWER
There's another one hatching over here!
ALVINA
And here too! Put put put put put!!!
AMELIA
Ok ok ok, cute as this may be, what are we going to do?
INTERVIEWER
I could watch this all day!
AMELIA
Yes, but we're in the business of death, not...not births! Not birds! And we're only just over halfway through the song. This is going to get a lot worse.
INTERVIEWER
(BABY TALK)
Who's a good little goose? Whooooo's a good little goose? May I give you a little –
(THE MOTHER GOOSE HISSES AND SPITS AT THE INTERVIEWER)
(OFFENDED) Ow! Alright alright!
ALVINA
It's time to put Joey and Salvatore on the case.
AMELIA
They're busy preparing tomorrow's New Year's disappearance. Salvatore wanted to -
ALVINA
No they're not. They're out in the alley having a snowball fight.
AMELIA
What? Then get them in at once. Tell them to booby trap every door and window, tell them to check every floorboard and heating vent, we must make this office completely intruder-proof.
(BIRD SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND)
ALVINA
Good plan. And we'll put them on guard all night.
INTERVIEWER
Who do you think is sending all these birds?
AMELIA
No idea.
BEAT.
But tomorrow morning we'll find out.
END.