PIP
Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. If you’re enjoying this series and would like to support our work, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars by visiting ameliapodcast.com and going to support the show. You’ll be able to listen ad free and get to watch a behind the scenes video about the making of this festive series.
Day 7 is dedicated to our patron Tibbi, who will fall into a bonfire while roasting marshmallows, and will reappear as a concert pianist with the Berlin Philharmonic. Thank you so much Tibbi.
THE WORKSHOP.
(SEVEN SWANS HONK NON-STOP. TWO OF THEM ARE HAVING A FIGHT. THEY ARE IN A PADDLING POOL, WATER SPLASHING AROUND)
(SALVATORE WAKES UP)
SALVATORE
(STILL HALF ASLEEP)
Joey... Joey stop being so noisy... Joey, I'm trying to sleep!
(HE SITS UP AND RUBS HIS EYES)
I'm going to knock you so hard - What the hell?!
(THE SWANS KEEP AT IT, NOW LOUDER, SALVATORE SCRAMBLES TO HIS FEET)
Joey! Joey! Where are you?
(HE DISCOVERS JOEY ASLEEP IN THE WATER, RIGHT UNDER THE TWO FIGHTING SWANS)
(IN ITALIAN) Jesus Christ what is going on!
(IN ENGLISH) Joey! What are you doing in there?
(SALVATORE BRACES HIMSELF, THEN RUNS OVER, GRABS JOEY UNDER THE ARMS, THEN PULLS HIM OUT OF THE POOL AND AWAY FROM THE FIGHTING SWANS)
(IN ITALIAN) I swear! (IN ENGLISH) If we get out of this alive, I am going to kill you!
(JOEY WAKES UP WHILST BEING DRAGGED ACROSS THE FLOOR)
JOEY
Huh? What’s going on?
SALVATORE
You tell me!
JOEY
Why am I wet?
SALVATORE
Why were you asleep in the water?!
JOEY
Where did that kids pool come from?!
SALVATORE
I don't know! Didn't you bring it?
(SALVATORE DROPS JOEY ON THE FLOOR)
JOEY
No! Ouch!
(MORE WATER SPLASHING)
SALVATORE
Then how did you end up in the water?
JOEY
I don't know!
SALVATORE
You were sleeping in an inflatable pool with six swans!
JOEY
Better than sleeping with the fishes...
SALVATORE
Don't be funny with me!
JOEY
Actually, it's... one, two, three, four... seven!
SALVATORE
OK, seven swans! Whatever! They're having a fight, and I just saved your life!
BEAT.
You made me wet.
(THE SWANS GRADUALLY CALM DOWN)
JOEY
Hey. Have you made espresso?
SALVATORE
No! I just woke up and saved your ass!
JOEY
I don't need saving!
SALVATORE
You were being trampled by angry swans!
JOEY
Can you please make espresso?
SALVATORE
Put on some dry clothes first! How did you not notice the swans?!
JOEY
I was asleep.
SALVATORE
They were killing each other over your head!
JOEY
I think that one is the winner. He looks proud.
SALVATORE
Ges cristo... And that one is licking his wounds.
JOEY
Hardly has any feathers left.
SALVATORE
They're all over the room.
JOEY
Looks like the inside of a pillow. Makes me sleepy... (YAWNS)
SALVATORE
Don't fall asleep again!
(SALVATORE SLAPS JOEY ACROSS THE BACK OF THE HEAD)
JOEY
Ow. Sorry!
BEAT.
SALVATORE
If we'd woken up sooner, we could have made a bet.
JOEY
We could have invited guests.
SALVATORE
Swan fighting!
JOEY
We would have made a dime!
SALVATORE
WISTFUL
Another time...
JOEY
(HOPEFUL)
Hey, maybe the winner will fight the other swans!
SALVATORE
Maybe. You're covered in feathers.
JOEY
The swans are molting.
SALVATORE
You're wet.
JOEY
At least it's not tar and feathers!
SALVATORE
That was such a hassle...!
JOEY
(LAUGHS) I almost died!
BEAT.
SALVATORE
Did you see who brought them?
JOEY
The swans?
SALVATORE
And the paddling pool.
JOEY
No.
SALVATORE
DISAPPOINTED
Joey!
JOEY
Did you see them?
SALVATORE
No, but it was our job together!
JOEY
Then why didn't you do it?!
SALVATORE
Why didn't you do it!? They put you in the pool, you should have woken up!
JOEY
You shouldn't have fallen asleep!
SALVATORE
Idiota!
JOEY
Gonzo!
(PAUSE)
We should tell the others.
SALVATORE
GRUMBLES
JOEY
We should!
SALVATORE
Yes, yes... But I'll say it was your fault!
JOEY
Ey!
BEAT.
SALVATORE
I'll make espresso first.
JOEY
Perfetto!
THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE.
INTERVIEWER
In a paddling pool?!
SALVATORE
Si...
INTERVIEWER
And you both fell asleep?!
JOEY
Si.
INTERVIEWER
How could you?!
JOEY
It is very easy, you just close your eyes and -
INTERVIEWER
To be honest, I expected Joey to fall asleep, but you Salvatore! You?!
SALVATORE
I was very -
INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING)
Et tu, brute?
SALVATORE
In my defense -
INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING)
Agh, you know what? I should never have trusted you with such an important mission. Now we'll never know who's dumping these birds on us!
JOEY
We can try again tonight...
INTERVIEWER
We'll never know! Never ever ever! Never ever ever ever ever ever!
JOEY
Eh -
INTERVIEWER
You messed it up!
SALVATORE
Listen! I fell asleep 'cause I was dead tired! You said to make a fake death for Rachel Hollingworth! It was hard work!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes I'm sure it was! In fact, I know exactly how hard it is to come up with a fake death, because... Oh, I don’t know? Perhaps I DO IT EVERY DAY?!
BEAT.
You know, more fool me for thinking, with twelve deaths in twelve days, wouldn’t it be good to share the workload. Oh, what a fool I am!
BEAT.
Luckily for me, I have come up with a backup plan, because I suspected you wouldn't be able to pull it off. I knew Joey was always going to fall asleep, and you Salvatore, well, you would probably start playing Tekken 3 on the PlayStation and forget all about it!
JOEY
That is not fair!
SALVATORE
It is not!
INTERVIEWER
No? But you did fall asleep, didn’t you? Otherwise, we'd be sitting here interrogating the reverse-thief, wouldn't we! But I don’t see the reverse-thief anywhere here, do you?! (KEEPS MUTTERING ANGRILY)
SALVATORE
But we only fell asleep because we did come up with a plan!
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
What?
SALVATORE
I was exhausted from planning and drawing and building until three in the morning!
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Oh, really- (DAWNS ON HIM, SUDDENLY INTRIGUED) Really? What did you make?
SALVATORE
I made the biggest, most impressive pyrotechnical extravaganza you have ever seen!
INTERVIEWER
Pyrotechnics you say?
JOEY
Tonight is New Year's Eve!
SALVATORE
So we thought: Tonight should be a disappearance via firework display!
INTERVIEWER
Okay, I am intrigued. Tell me more...!
SALVATORE
First we sat down and drew the plans.
JOEY
It was so much thinking! I don't think I have ever thought that much. So when we were done thinking, I needed to close my eyes for just a little bit...
INTERVIEWER
M-hm...
SALVATORE
But I stayed up until early in the morning and built the rocket!
INTERVIEWER
The rocket? What? Just one?
SALVATORE
Oh, but you need to see this rocket!
INTERVIEWER
Wait wait wait- What's so special about this rocket? How do you get a whole firework display out of one rocket?
JOEY
(SERIOUS)
You need to see this rocket...
SALVATORE
Here is what will happen: Rachel Hollingworth will be sent out to buy fireworks for New Year's Eve. She comes across a great offer by a new firework company.
JOEY
Phoenix Fireworks!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I like that.
SALVATORE
They have created a new firework experience! There is only one rocket -
JOEY
- but it is VERY big!
SALVATORE
Inside is a chain reaction of smaller rockets and explosive devices that colour the sky in the hues of the rainbow! Sparks spinning, swirling, and raining as far as the eye can see! As the finale, the sparks spell out Buon Anno in burning letters!
INTERVIEWER
Wow!
SALVATORE
- everyone who is left will be standing in the garden counting down to midnight. Rachel will walk down to the rocket, light the fuse, and start walking back towards her family...
JOEY
Then she discovers her shoelace is stuck to the rocket!
INTERVIEWER
Her shoelace?
SALVATORE
She bends down struggling to untie it!
JOEY
But it is too late! The rocket goes off! WHOOOSH!
SALVATORE
And Rachel is pulled into the sky!
INTERVIEWER
Holy macaroni! But- but - won't that kill her for real?
SALVATORE
(PROUDLY)
No! It is her replacement corpse that is pulled into the sky! In the darkness, with only the light of the burning fuse, it is easy to replace her.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, bravo! Bravo! (CLAPS HANDS) Oh, I must admit, I didn't think you could do it, but this is an excellent death!
SALVATORE
Thank you.
JOEY
Thanks!
INTERVIEWER
Rachel Hollingworth whooshed away up into the sky! We won't need my backup plan, then. Which is good, because it would have been very hard to pull off. Yes, it involved a traveling circus with fifteen elephants and a motorcycle stunt cage. Nevermind though. Will you show me this fabulous rocket?
SALVATORE
Of course! It is in the workshop. Eh... with the swans.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, the swans... What to do with the swans? Hm, we could give them back to the Queen?
JOEY
(UPSET) You think the Queen gave us all the birds?!
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHS) Oh yes, that would be good, wouldn’t it? (CHUCKLES) No, nonono, she didn’t. Well, at least I don’t think she did. Didn’t you know? The Queen actually owns all unmarked swans in Britain? Yes! Since the 12th Century, the royal family has protected swans from being eaten by anyone but the upper classes! And since the 1980s no one's allowed to eat them. Which I think is fair! Swans are after all the most graceful of all the birds. White, angelic, like a swirl of whipped cream on the cocoa brown waters of the British lakes...
SALVATORE
Graceful?
INTERVIEWER
Uh, yes! Hmhm! Yes!
SALVATORE
They're really not!
JOEY
They are so noisy!
SALVATORE
And messy!
JOEY
Fighting until they've plucked each other naked!
SALVATORE
Waddling around honking like horny truck drivers!
INTERVIEWER
What?! No, alright. Listen, listen, listen... I can prove to you that swans are graceful. (CHUCKLES)
SALVATORE
How?
INTERVIEWER
I have an idea...
(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS SCRAMBLING AROUND AMONG HIS STUFF)
I know it's here somewhere... The last time I saw it must have been when we helped Mark vanish for six days in the Sahara during the Paris-Dakar rally... That must have been in 1982...
(BONK, CLONK, DUNK. HE FINALLY FINDS WHAT HE'S LOOKING FOR AND PULLS IT OUT)
INTERVIEWER
Here it is!
SALVATORE
A boombox?
INTERVIEWER
And a cassette!
SALVATORE
What are you doing?
INTERVIEWER
Well. I'm preparing this year's New Year's Concert!
JOEY
What?
SALVATORE
With a boombox from 1982?
INTERVIEWER
With this, I can prove that swans are graceful, whatever they're doing! Come with me!
THE WORKSHOP.
(OPENING THE DOOR TO THE WORKSHOP, THEY ENTER IN THE MIDDLE OF ANOTHER SWAN FIGHT)
SALVATORE
They're fighting again!
JOEY
Look! The winner is being challenged! I called it!
SALVATORE
The contender is bigger! The champion is struggling!
JOEY
I put ten on the champion!
SALVATORE
Ten on the contender! Deal!
(THEY SHAKE. THE SWANS SQUAWK AND BITE FEROCIOUSLY)
INTERVIEWER
Ahhhh... They are magnificent, aren't they...
SALVATORE
Do you think they'll kill each other?
JOEY
I think they might.
INTERVIEWER
Such dignity and elegance!
JOEY
Oooh, it's getting bloody!
INTERVIEWER
So. Let's get this concert started!
(THE INTERVIEWER PLUGS IN THE BOOMBOX, GETS THE CASSETTE OUT OF ITS COVER AND PUTS IT IN)
JOEY
Are you playing "Eye of the Tiger"?
SALVATORE
Or "Physical" with Olivia Newton-John?
JOEY
We Googled "Biggest hits of 1982"!
SALVATORE
Oooh! Play "Pass the Dutchie"!
INTERVIEWER
Ah, nothing so crude as pop music, no... Swimming, honking, fighting... With this music playing in the background, it will be the most majestic swimming, honking and fighting you have ever seen!
BEAT.
JOEY
Is it "I love rock and roll"?
INTERVIEWER
No.
(THE INTERVIEWER STARTS THE TAPE AND TURNS THE VOLUME RIGHT UP. IT'S TCHAIKOVSKI'S SWAN LAKE, OP.20, ACT 1: NO. 2, WALTZ)
Swan lake! Enjoy. Happy new year, boys.
(THE INTERVIEWER, SALVATORE AND JOEY FALL SILENT. JUST THE MUSIC: THE GRAND AND ELEGANT ORCHESTRA, TCHAIKOVSKI'S MAJESTIC, WONDROUS MASTERPIECE)
(EVERY SO OFTEN AN ANGRY HONK, A SPLASH OF WATER OR A RUFFLE OF WINGS)
(WE IMAGINE THE SWANS DANCING BEAUTIFULLY)
(OR KILLING EACH OTHER)
(IT'S UP TO THE LISTENER, REALLY)
END.