PIP
Hello dear listeners, you’ve reached The Amelia Project. Happy New Year! This year we hope to continue our regular series, but we can only do that with your help. We’ve started recording Season 5 Part 3, but if you want to help us complete it, consider becoming a patron from just two dollars. And since it’s new year’s day, if you become a patron today, on the first of January, I will personally send you an Amelia postcard, from Paris, to wherever in the world you are. To become a patron, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show.
Day 8 is dedicated to our patron Florian Beijers who will use the Dutch railway system to disappear. Legends say Florian’s ghost will reappear in 50 years in some forgotten rural train station, but by then he’ll be enjoying life as a chocolatier in Gothenburg. Thank you, Florian and thank you to all our patrons.
THE OFFICE KITCHEN.
(AMELIA COMES TRUDGING IN. SHE IS TIRED AND SEVERELY HUNG OVER. SHE CAN HARDLY KEEP HER EYES OPEN)
AMELIA
Ugh.... My head...
(SHE OPENS THE CUPBOARD AND TAKES OUT A CUP. IT MAKES A LOUD CLINK AS SHE PUTS IT DOWN)
Shhhh! Ughhh... Noisy cup...
(SHE STARTS THE COFFEE MAKER. IT SPUTTERS AND HISSES)
Shhh! Please! I'm just trying to make coffee... Why is everything so loud...
(THE COFFEE MAKER SWITCHES TO A BUBBLING, RUNNING SOUND)
Oh no - my tummy... I shouldn't have – Oh, I definitely shouldn't have.
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH)
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.
BEAT.
Milk... Milk. No black coffee for this tummy, definitely not! Nope.
(SHE OPENS THE FRIDGE. RUMMAGES)
Where... Oh shit, we're out...
MILK MAID 1
Do you want it fresh?
AMELIA
(TO HUNG OVER TO QUESTION IT) What's that?
MILK MAID 1
I can milk some for you!
AMELIA
Oh... Sure. Thanks.
MILK MAID 1
Bring the cup there.
(AMELIA HANDS HER THE CUP. THE MILK MAID STARTS MILKING HER COW. THE COW MOOS LOUDLY)
AMELIA
Ugh... too loud!
MILK MAID 1
(SOFTLY) Sorry! See, Nellie, Nellie just enjoys being milked. Don’t you my darling? Feels good to have your udders emptied, you know?
AMELIA
I... don't.
MILK MAID 1
Right, well here you go.
AMELIA
Thank you.
(AMELIA TAKES THE CUP AND POURS HERSELF THE COFFEE WHICH IS NOW READY)
MILK MAID 1
Have a good day now!
AMELIA
You too...
(AMELIA WALKS INTO THE HALLWAY)
HALLWAY.
AMELIA
No. No, that didn't just happen.
(AMELIA KEEPS WALKING. SHE OPENS THE DOOR TO THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE)
THE INTERVIEWER'S OFFICE.
(THE INTERVIEWER IS MILKING A COW. THE COW MOOS)
INTERVIEWER
Good girl daisy, good girl!
(MOO)
AMELIA
What are you doing milking a cow?!
INTERVIEWER
And good morning to you too!
AMELIA
Good morning? Objectively? No. Subjectively? Fuck no.
INTERVIEWER
Hm? That bad?
AMELIA
I'm not just hung over, I'm hallucinating!
INTERVIEWER
But the New Year punch was delicious, wasn't it?
(AMELIA SLUMPS DOWN IN A CHAIR)
AMELIA
Ugh. Why do we never learn?
INTERVIEWER
It tasted heavenly!
AMELIA
After the mutating mince pies last year...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I know, but he has learned from his mistakes.
AMELIA (CON’T)
When the mince pies bit Joey's leg and he got that weird mince pie-rabies, frothing at the mouth and refusing to wash himself for a month...!
INTERVIEWER
And now Kozlowski doesn't bake anymore!
AMELIA
...we should have learned never to let Kozlowski near the kitchen!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Punch doesn't count.
AMELIA
Punch does count!
INTERVIEWER
It's not cooked in a kitchen, it's mixed in the drawing room!
AMELIA
Huh? Drawing room?
INTERVIEWER
Traditionally Christmas punch is mixed by the alcoholic aunt that no one wants messing up the Christmas Roast, but who needs to be given something to do to not feel left out.
AMELIA
That's a tradition?
INTERVIEWER
That's an upper middle class British tradition, yes! You wouldn't know. You studied in Japan.
AMELIA
Well, the punch bowl was mixed by our old aunt.
Our old, insane, 'compared-to-this-old-gal-doctor-Frankenstein-was-a-lightweight' aunt.
INTERVIEWER
But it was delicious.
AMELIA
Why do you think I had so much?!
(PAUSE. THE INTERVIEWER KEEPS MILKING)
What are you doing?
INTERVIEWER
Milking.
AMELIA
No, that's in my hallucination. What are you actually doing?
INTERVIEWER
Milking...?
(DAISY MOOS)
AMELIA
I'm having auditory hallucinations too, it sounds like you're saying "milking".
INTERVIEWER
I'm about to eat a bowl of cereal and the milk maid had to run an errand.
(IN CONFIDENCE) She needed pads, it's that time of the month.
AMELIA
Ugh, tmi…
INTERVIEWER
Oh, not for her, for Daisy! (PATS THE COW. MOO) Cow pads are very hard to come by, that's probably why she's taking so long.
AMELIA
This coffee isn't working.
INTERVIEWER
Have you come up with a disappearance for Germaine Hollingworth?
AMELIA
Yesterday I had an idea for a death by hangover. But today... I don't wish that upon anyone. (HICCUPS)
INTERVIEWER
Don't worry. I think Kozlowski has been working on something.
AMELIA
Ya. I'll go find out.
AMELIA GETS UP.
INTERVIEWER
Do you want some milk? There's more than I need, Daisy's really bursting.
AMELIA
I'm good. Bye bye hallucination!
INTERVIEWER
I'm not a –
AMELIA
Hope to see the real Arthur later!
(MOO. AMELIA HEADS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY)
HALLWAY.
AMELIA
(SHUDDERS) I wonder if I'm even awake.
(ALVINA COMES HOPPING DOWN THE HALLWAY ON ONE FOOT)
ALVINA
Amelia!
AMELIA
Alvina- What-
ALVINA
Amelia, can you get me that chair?
AMELIA
Why are you hopping on one foot?
ALVINA
I just need to sit!
(AMELIA PULLS THE CHAIR OVER TO ALVINA. ALVINA SITS)
Thank you. Didn't want to ruin the carpet.
(ALVINA TAKES HER SHOE OFF)
Uargh… Do you have a napkin or something? I stepped right in a heap of pooh.
AMELIA
Did the birds shit in your office again? I told you there was no point in trying to potty train them.
ALVINA
Cow dung.
AMELIA
Cow dung?
ALVINA
Well, we knew this was coming. Could you please get me some paper?
AMELIA
Sure... I’ll… uh… be right back.
(AMELIA WALKS INTO THE KITCHEN)
THE OFFICE KITCHEN.
(IN THE KITCHEN, THERE ARE NOW THREE COWS AND THREE MILK MAIDS, ALL MILKING THEIR COWS)
MILK MAID 1
- so I said: Sure, we'd be really up for that, all eight of us, but can we bring the cows? (MOO) But then I felt really silly, because that's the whole point isn't it?! Bring the cows?!
(THE OTHER TWO MILK MAIDS LAUGH)
MILK MAID 1
And then I asked about payment, but that wasn't to be discussed until later –
AMELIA
Excuse-
MILK MAID 1
(SEES AMELIA, THEN SOFTER)
Oh, sorry, Amelia! It's Amelia, isn't it?
AMELIA
Yes, yeah, hi.
MILK MAID 1
I know you're hung over... Tsk! And here I am gabbing on. Happy new year by the way! Forgot to say that earlier, didn't I?
(AMELIA PUTS HER CUP DOWN ON THE COUNTER)
AMELIA
I need... paper towels...
(SHE PULLS OFF A LOT OF PAPER FROM A KITCHEN ROLL)
Alvina eh stepped in some -
MILK MAID 1
Oh! So sorry! Nellie, Dottie and Clarabelle have all had the trots lately...
(SUCKS IN AIR TO SAY "SORRY" THE OTHER TWO MILK MAIDS NOD "MHM" IN AGREEMENT)
AMELIA
No, it looked... sort of solid...
(MOO)
MILK MAID 2
Do you need a pain killer? You don't look too good, if you don't mind me saying. And, I'm sure the man in the basement could get you some, he's a doctor isn't he! He gave Clarabelle one earlier, he's got cow-strength stuff too! Poor Clabelle's ears they were ringing from the fireworks. Clarabelle doesn't like loud noises very much.
(PET VOICE) Now do you, Clarabelle? Noo...
AMELIA
I'm actually heading down there now. I might need something from him.
MILK MAID 1
I think you do!
AMELIA
Yeah - not painkillers. I need anti-whatever-the-fuck-is-going-on-in-my-brain-killers.
MILK MAID 1
Whatever works for you, love!
(AMELIA HEADS OUT INTO THE HALLWAY)
HALLWAY.
(THERE'S NOW A COW AND A MILKMAID IN THE HALLWAY TOO. THE COW MOOS)
ALVINA
Amelia, is there any space in your office for Magic and her maid? Ah, you got me paper! Thank you!
(ALVINA TAKES THE PAPER AND STARTS WIPING HER SHOE)
Cow dung can be really sticky, can't it?
(AMELIA WALKS OFF)
(FROM BEHIND HER)
Amelia? Amelia! Is there space in your office for Magic? My office is full of birds and –
(AMELIA VERY QUIETLY MUTTERS TO HERSELF. THE DOOR TO THE BASEMENT STAIRS CLOSES BEHIND AMELIA, CUTTING THE SOUND OF ALVINA'S VOICE OFF MID SENTENCE)
THE STAIRWELL.
(AMELIA WALKS DOWN THE SPIRAL METAL STAIRCASE. HALFWAY DOWN SHE MEETS A MILKMAID AND A COW, CLUNKILY TRYING TO GET UP. LOTS OF MOO)
(MOO)
(AMELIA STOPS)
AMELIA
You're going up?
MILK MAID 2
Yeah. We’re going up, that’s right, well done, yeah! Yeah, I'm afraid you'll have to , well like, you know, back up innit... Yeah, unless you want to crawl under Bessie o’course, right? Cause well, you gotta be careful innit thou, cause her teats are really ticklish aren’t they, so in that case you mustn't touch them. You know?
(AMELIA LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
AMELIA
Uh -
MILK MAID 2
If she starts laughing, she'll shake and jitter and... well, lives might be lost!
(CHUCKLES)
Bessie and I would back down, truly, but Bessie, she doesn’t do so well on stairs, does she now, so if we have started going up, we kind of have to keep going up.
BEAT.
You look agile though! Ya know! Look at ya! I mean, you could crawl under her, no problem, ey?
AMELIA
I'll go back up.
MILK MAID 2
Alright, okay, come on Bessie, (STRAINED) one step at a time…
(AMELIA BACKS UP. BEHIND HER, BESSIE AND THE MILK MAID KEEP TRAVERSING THE STAIRS)
AMELIA
Okay. Yeah. Just a hallucination. Maybe a dream.
(MILK MAID TWO TALKS TO BESSIE)
Probably a nightmare. I am probably still asleep. This is some wild lucid dreaming. It’s totally fine though. Okay. Everything’s gonna be fine. Amelia, you can do this, get it together, get it together, Jesus-
HALLWAY.
(BACK IN THE HALLWAY, THERE ARE NOW TWO COWS, WITH THEIR MAIDS, MOOING AND MILKING)
ALVINA
Oh, Amelia, you're back! I just thought, we can put Magic and Gertie in the workshop. We moved the paddling pool and the swans into the attic, didn't we.
AMELIA (INTERRUPTING)
Uhu. Do you know what Kozlowski put in the punch bowl last night?
ALVINA
Eh, brandy, rum, oranges, nutmeg, cloves and orangeade, I think.
AMELIA
Oh no, I'm certain that wasn't all.
(BESSIE AND HER MILK MAID EMERGE FROM THE STAIRCASE. OUT OF BREATH AND PANTING)
MILK MAID 2
We're nearly up, Bessie! Come on, last step, there you go!
ALVINA
Wonderful! One more! But I think we can fit three in the workshop.
MILK MAID 2
(STRAINED) Hi everyone! We made it!
AMELIA
Yeah, this is Bessie. We met on the stairs. Bessie, meet Alvina. Alvina meet - no, I'm not doing that.
MILK MAID 2
Awww, the other's are greeting you! (MOO) They all missed you, Bessie! They're mooing "well done on the stairs"!
AMELIA
I can't be here.
(AMELIA QUICKLY GOES INTO THE STAIRWELL AGAIN, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER)
THE STAIRWELL.
(AMELIA RUSHES DOWN THE STAIRS. AT THE BOTTOM SHE STOPS OUTSIDE KOZLOWSKI'S DOOR)
AMELIA
Okay, okay okay. Okay. Okay! Okay, let us- Let's think straight.
(SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH. WHILE WALKING DOWN THE STAIRS)
Priority one: Anti-hallucination drugs.
Priority two: Has Kozlowski come up with a disappearance for Germaine Hollingworth?
BEAT.
No.
Priority one: Give Kozlowski the scolding of his life.
Priority two: Anti-hallucination drugs. Plenty of them.
Priority three: Why not. Let's chuck in some painkillers.
Priority - whatever number we're at now: Has he planned a disappearance for today?
BEAT.
OK, let's do this.
(SHE ENTERS)
KOZLOWSKI'S WORKSHOP.
(BUBBLING, SIZZLING, NORMAL LAB SOUNDS)
AMELIA
(NOT AS FORCEFUL AS SHE'D LIKE)
Kozlow - !
KOZLOWSKI
(INTERRUPTING)
Amelia! You are awake! After carrying you home last night, I thought you would sleep until dinner!
AMELIA
You... carried me?
KOZLOWSKI
A fireman's lift.
AMELIA
Oh, that's embarrassing.
KOZLOWSKI
It was such a good party, was it not?! And Salvatore's firework display…! It was something else!
AMELIA
Uhm… Uhm… What did you put in the punch?
KOZLOWSKI
Ah! Yes. My secret ingredient! You had a lot, am I right?
AMELIA
(KIND OF TERRIFIED)
What?! What is it?! Tell me the secret ingredient! You deranged... quack!
KOZLOWSKI
Quack? (QUACKS LIKE A DUCK) Quack! Quack! Quack! (LAUGHS)
AMELIA
What?!
KOZLOWSKI
In Kozlowski's famous punch bowl, there has to be...
AMELIA
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
A tiny splash of...
AMELIA
Yes?
KOZLOWSKI
Worchester sauce! It gives the punch just that twang of savoury which makes it stand out!
AMELIA
Worchester sauce? Not... left over LSD from the Mulled Wine disappearance?
KOZLOWSKI
Why would I put LSD in our punch? Do you not think our lives are mad enough without it?
AMELIA
Well...
(A WRY CHUCKLE)
KOZLOWSKI
Talking of disappearances, I have come up with a lovely death for our friend Germaine!
AMELIA
Okay…
KOZLOWSKI
We have done such surreal and extravagant deaths so far, I wanted to bring it all back to basic.
AMELIA
Sure.
KOZLOWSKI
Something simple and mundane. Dial it down, you see?
AMELIA
Yes. Sure.
KOZLOWSKI
So I have come up with a brilliant death by New Year's Resolution!
BEAT.
AMELIA
(UNCONVINCED) Death by... New Year's Resolution?
KOZLOWSKI
Yes!
AMELIA
(LOOSES IT)
How is that dialling it down?! How is that bringing it back to basic?! How does it even work!?! A New Year's Resolution isn't even a physical thing! Whilst you can have death by screwdriver or shopping bag or bike chain or sex doll, you cannot have death by- by theorem or apology or colour harmony or poetic metaphor! You can't kill someone with an abstract concept!
BEAT.
KOZLOWSKI
Why not?
AMELIA
ARGHHHHH!
KOZLOWSKI
Shhh! They are not conscious yet.
AMELIA
Who?!
KOZLOWSKI
Do you want to hear my death by New Year's Resolution?
AMELIA
SIGHS
KOZLOWSKI
I will take that as a yes!
BEAT
Germaine Hollingworth is the most indecisive of the sisters. According to Alvina's case file, Germaine changes her mind every five minutes. She has been a metalhead and an emo and a b-girl. She went from Christianity to Buddhism to Zoroastrianism. She has dated bad boys, wild girls, squares and jockeys. Her clothes have been loose and tight, as has her schedule - and her coin purse.
AMELIA
She is finding herself. Good on her.
KOZLOWSKI
Indeed. And today, she will find the ultimate answer in a bowl of fruit.
AMELIA
Sorry?
KOZLOWSKI
Death by New Year's Resolution! This year, Germaine has decided to become a healthier person! How, you ask? Will she be a vegetarian? A vegan perhaps? No! When Germaine changes style, she goes all the way! She has decided to be a fruitarian!
AMELIA
That shouldn't kill you.
KOZLOWSKI
Not if you eat real fruit, no. But in a distracted moment, Germaine will reach out her hand and grab a peach from the vintage wax fruit display on the chiffonier!
AMELIA
She gets poisoned?
KOZLOWSKI
By wax fruit? Unlikely. She will choke.
AMELIA
So it's a death by choking - why didn't you say that right away?!
KOZLOWSKI
Do you like it?
AMELIA
It's fine, yes, sure, let's do it.
KOZLOWSKI
Good! I will tell Alvina.
AMELIA
She's busy organizing a herd of - never mind.
KOZLOWSKI
Before you go, I have to show you something.
AMELIA
What? Oh, by the way. Do you have any anti-hallucinogenic drugs?
KOZLOWSKI
Amisulpride, ziprasidone, olanzapine, quetiapine?
AMELIA
Sure, any of the -pine's or the -prides.
KOZLOWSKI
I do not have any.
AMELIA
Oh!
KOZLOWSKI
But we could try something else. Are you having visual or auditory -
AMELIA
OVERLAPPING
Both.
KOZLOWSKI (CON’T)
- or tactile or olfactory or gustatory or proprioceptive hallucinations? Or just hypnopompic or hypnagogic?
AMELIA
Uh -
KOZLOWSKI
We could try repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation!
AMELIA
Repetitive - what?
KOZLOWSKI
Repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation. We place an electromagnetic coil on your forehead which pulsates -
AMELIA
Okay! There's enough pulsating going on in my head today, thank you! (SIGHS)
KOZLOWSKI
Can I show you my pet project? I am very proud.
AMELIA
(RELUCANT) Sure.
KOZLOWSKI
Look at this!
(KOZLOWSKI PULLS BACK A CURTAIN)
(AMELIA SHRIEKS LIKE SHE'S IN A HORROR MOVIE)
KOZLOWSKI
Crystal Muffin and her milk maid were here when I came this morning, but they were so unhappy.
AMELIA
What - what the HELL have you -?!
KOZLOWSKI
I will switch the heads back tomorrow, but for 24 hours, Crystal Muffin can feel what it is like to be a milk maid and her milk maid can feel what it is like to have super-sensitive udders!
AMELIA
YOU ARE INSANE!
KOZLOWSKI
I was very proud of my stitchwork! It really looks like the cow head grows out of her neck, does it not?
AMELIA
Nononono... Nononono, I'm asleep... This isn't real...
(THE COW/MAID SHUDDERS AND WAKES UP WITH A SNORT)
(AMELIA JUMPS, SHE IS STILL SHUDDERING AND SHAKING)
KOZLOWSKI
She is awake! How do you like your new body, Crystal Muffin?
(AMELIA FLIPPING RUNS)
AMELIA
Help... help... HELP!
(AMELIA RUNS OUT AND UP THE STAIRS)
HALLWAY.
(SHE RUNS THROUGH THE HALLWAY, SEVEN COWS MOOING LOUDLY AS SHE PASSES)
ALVINA
Amelia! As you can see, we gathered all the cows and the maids in the hallway -
MILK MAID 1
Minus one! Seems like Crystal Muffin's gone hiding again.
(AMELIA RUNS OUT INTO THE BACK ALLEY, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER)
BACK ALLEY.
(AMELIA RUNS DOWN THE STAIRS, AND FALLS TO HER KNEES IN THE SNOW. SHE BREATHES HEAVILY, SHAKING)
SALVATORE
Amelia?
AMELIA
Salvatore!
SALVATORE
What’s wrong? Mamma Mia! You look horrible!
(SALVATORE TAKES A SIP OF HIS COFFEE)
AMELIA
Please... please tell me I'm just dreaming. This is a nightmare, isn't it? None of this is real?
SALVATORE
Something really scared you! Did you walk in on Arthur pushing a tube out of the tunnel?
AMELIA
What are you drinking?
SALVATORE
This?
(TAKE A SIP)
AMELIA
That's not espresso!
I'm having a cappuccino today.
AMELIA
Why?
SALVATORE
It’s true, normally I drink it black. But cappuchino with fresh milk is really something else. Would you like one? Joey is milking a cow right now!
AMELIA
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
END.