PIP
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Day 9 is dedicated to our patron Courtney Mays Rensen who will get lobotomised by a cork while trying to open a wine bottle at a business dinner. Courtney will reappear as a seal and dolphin trainer in Rostock. Thanks to Courtney Mays Rensen and to all our patrons, who allow us to keep telling stories.
ALVINA'S OFFICE
(ALVINA IN HER OFFICE. SHE PICKS UP A LETTER FROM THE DESK. SOFT BIRD SOUNDS)
ALVINA
A letter from Dorothy Hollingworth... How the hell did that get here? Uh. Says urgent.
(SHE HASTILY TEARS OPEN THE ENVELOPE)
Oh dear. Oh dear. Oh dear oh dear oh dear. Argh! As if this wasn't difficult enough as it is!
(SHE PICKS UP THE RECEIVER OF THE PHONE ON HER DESK AND STARTS DIALING)
Okay… Oh come on Arthur, pick up pick up pick up!
(FROM THE HALLWAY WE HEAR THE INTERVIEWER, JOEY AND SALVATORE ARGUING. WE HEAR THEM IN THE BACKGROUND)
ALVINA (FOREGROUND)
What-
INTERVIEWER
You two just have no sense of style. She needs a man who knows how to dress.
SALVATORE
My shoes are Gucci and my suits are Armani!
INTERVIEWER
Well, my bow ties are from -
JOEY
Who needs fancy clothes when you've got muscles? I can wear nothing but jeans and t-shirt and look fabulous!
SALVATORE
IN ITALIAN
You need the muscles to distract from your face.
ALVINA (FOREGROUND)
What-
JOEY
What did you say?
SALVATORE
I said your face looks like that cow!
JOEY
You're just jealous of my abs!
SALVATORE
Oh yeah? Want to arm wrestle?
ALVINA (FOREGROUND)
They’re supposed to be-
JOEY
Come on then!
INTERVIEWER
No, stop that, stop stop stop! Focus!
SALVATORE
IN ITALIAN
I'm going to beat you so bad, just you wait!
INTERVIEWER
Stop! Alvina is going to settle this.
ALVINA
What is going on out there?
(THE INTERVIEWER, JOEY AND SALVATORE COME INTO THE OFFICE. WHEN THEY OPEN THE DOOR WE BRIEFLY HEAR THE MOOING OF COWS AND SQUAWKING OF BIRDS IN THE HALL)
INTERVIEWER
Alvina!
ALVINA
I just tried to call you.
INTERVIEWER
Well I'm not in my office.
ALVINA
So I can see. Why are you not in your office? You're supposed to be IN YOUR OFFICE.
JOEY
We need you to settle something.
ALVINA
This better be important.
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) It is very important.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, which one of us do you think is the most handsome?
BEAT.
ALVINA
What.
JOEY
(SLOWLY, AS IF SHE HASN'T UNDERSTOOD) Which one of us -
ALVINA
Yes yes I heard.
SALVATORE
Be honest.
ALVINA
Do you know what's going on out in the hall?
JOEY
Yeah, it’s difficult to miss.
ALVINA
I've got to remove partridge pooh from the carpet, keep Serge from seducing Juliet and Romeo from attacking every bird that comes near her. The neighbours have complained about the calling birds, so I need to shut them up or they'll send the police.
JOEY
We can go around and break some limbs.
ALVINA
Not the neighbours! The birds! We need to shut up the birds!
JOEY
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.
ALVINA
As if all that wasn't enough, there's a new gosling hatching every five minutes, I mean to begin with I thought it was cute, but their pooh is so runny, it's a slipping hazard! Oh, and I really have to change the water in the swans' paddling pool, if the RSPCB saw how mucky it was we'd be jailed. And while it is nice to have fresh milk in our tea, the hall really isn't adapted for eight cows and their milkmaids, and in the middle of all that you come in here and ask me which one of you is the most handsome?!
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Well?
ALVINA
(GROANS)
INTERVIEWER
It's an important question Alvina.
ALVINA
Okay. Okay… Breathe Alvina, breathe… Let me explain this to you. We each had a duty! You were supposed to be in your office coming up with a disappearance, I'm dealing with the gift situation in the hall, and Amelia is stationed on the roof with nine darts, one for every dancing lady that is about to descend on us.
INTERVIEWER
That's exactly what I've been doing.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Coming up with a disappearance for Dorothy Hollingworth. And I have a plan!
ALVINA
(SARCASTICALLY)
And for this plan you need to know which one of you is the most handsome?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
(INCREDULOUS) Yes?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
Why??
INTERVIEWER
We need to know which one of us plays the prince.
ALVINA
The prince??
INTERVIEWER
(DRAMATICALLY)
You see today's death... will be Death by Mistletoe!
BEAT.
ALVINA
(SIGHS) Okay. Explain.
INTERVIEWER
With pleasure!
CLEARS HIS THROAT
I turn up outside Hollingworth Hall -
JOEY
No I turn up outside Hollingworth Hall -
SALVATORE
No I turn up outside Hollingworth Hall -
INTERVIEWER
The prince turns up outside Hollingworth Hall, a dapper gentleman
POINTEDLY
with a bow tie...
JOEY & SALVATORE
GRUMBLE
INTERVIEWER
...claiming to be the heir of a fairy light empire.
ALVINA
A fairy light empire.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. He is known as The Fairy Prince.
ALVINA
Ok...
INTERVIEWER
He tells Cuthbert Hollingworth that he's looking for a suitable young woman to marry, and he'll determine who will be his future wife by mistletoe.
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
The prince will kiss all the young women of the house under the mistletoe, until he finds the one with the softest lips, the sweetest breath, and the warmest embrace.
ALVINA
Stop right there!
INTERVIEWER
But we haven't even got to the death!
ALVINA
There's no way we're going ahead with this plan!
SALVATORE & THE INTERVIEWER
Why not?
ALVINA
Well firstly, because it sounds like something from a sexist fairy tale -
INTERVIEWER
Exactly!
ALVINA
That's not a good thing!
INTERVIEWER
But it's just the sort of thing that will appeal to Cuthbert Hollingworth! I mean think about it, he has twelve daughters whom he's keeping under lock and key. He's living a sexist fairy tale!
ALVINA
(GRUDGINGLY) I suppose.
INTERVIEWER
Also, he's a Christmas bauble billionaire and a shrewd businessman. Imagine the merger of the bauble business and the Fairy Prince's fairy light empire? He'll be able to wring even more cash out of Christmas!
ALVINA
Okay, so the "prince" proposes this misguidedly misogynistic way of choosing a bride which appeals to papa Hollingworth -
INTERVIEWER
But the remaining daughters refuse to kiss the visiting prince and be married away.
ALVINA
Oh good for them.
INTERVIEWER
Except for Dorothy.
ALVINA
Oh.
INTERVIEWER
She's always been the adventure seeking one, hasn't she?
ALVINA
Well, yes, but -
INTERVIEWER
And the prince is very handsome. You see he has a very dashing moustache –
ALVINA
(UNCONVINCED) Hmhm.
JOEY
He's as strong as an ox!
SALVATORE
He has Gucci shoes and a wicked way with firearms!
ALVINA
Yes yes yes. Alright- (DISAPPROVINGLY) So Dorothy kisses this prince...
INTERVIEWER
And she instantly drops dead.
BEAT.
ALVINA
Why?
INTERVIEWER
An allergic reaction to his lip balm.
ALVINA
Hm.
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski is working on something that will make her break out in a fluorescent rash, but will be totally harmless.
ALVINA
Ha!
INTERVIEWER
The prince, crestfallen and embarrassed, takes her body with him, vowing to give her a worthy funeral. One in which the coffin will be draped in fairy lights!
(ALVINA LAUGHS)
JOEY
Bravissimo! Bravo!
INTERVIEWER
Well? What do you think? You're warming to this plan aren't you?
ALVINA
Even if I was, it wouldn't work.
INTERVIEWER
Why not?
ALVINA
Because of this.
(SHE PICKS UP THE LETTER)
INTERVIEWER
A letter? Who's it from?
ALVINA
Dorothy Hollingworth.
INTERVIEWER
How did she get that out of Hollingworth Hall and in here?
ALVINA
I have no idea.
INTERVIEWER
Well what does it say?
ALVINA
Mr Hollingworth thinks he has fallen victim to a curse. A curse that is picking off his daughters one by one.
INTERVIEWER
Ha, he has!
ALVINA
And he is determined to break the curse!
INTERVIEWER
Ugh, How so?
ALVINA
By taking special measures!
INTERVIEWER
What kind of measures?
ALVINA
Not letting Dorothy, Gemma, Lara and Pamela out of his sight, not even for a second.
(ARTHUR GRUMBLES)
Today they will spend all day and night together, in the drawing room, playing board games. He has deactivated the door bell, and no matter how loud anyone knocks, he will not answer the door.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Yes well… That does complicate things.
ALVINA
You think?!
(PAUSE. THINKING INTERVIEWER SOUNDS)
INTERVIEWER
Hmmmmmmmmmm.
ALVINA
Okay, what are you thinking?
INTERVIEWER
Pity. I worked so hard on Death by Mistletoe...
ALVINA
But?
INTERVIEWER
But onwards and upwards! No use crying over spilled milk. Oh that reminds me, I tripped over a bucket of milk in the hallway this morning and I'm afraid it spilled all over the -
ALVINA
(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH) I'll deal with it.
Just tell me you can come up with an alternative plan.
INTERVIEWER
Joey, Salvatore! You've been inside Hollingworth Hall. You didn't happen to see what board games the Hollingworths have did you?
ALVINA
Death by... board game?
JOEY
They have a whole shelf of board games in the drawing room!
SALVATORE
Scrabble, Dominion, Carcasonne, The Settlers of Catan, Pictionary, Lacrimosa, Guess Who, Monopoly, Cluedo -
INTERVIEWER
Cluedo! Say no more! Death by Cluedo! Yes! That's very fitting don't you think?
ALVINA
It's topical, I grant you-
INTERVIEWER
"It was Professor Plum in the drawing room with the candlestick!" Dorothy declares and wins the game. Moments later she is found sprawled over the drawing room table, a bloody candlestick beside her.
ALVINA
Yeah- But Mr Hollingworth doesn't leave the room, remember?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, well, we need a distraction.
ALVINA
He's deactivated the doorbell.
INTERVIEWER
I know. We need something bigger.
ALVINA
He won't open the door no matter what. Dorothy was very insistent about that. Not until the curse is broken.
INTERVIEWER
We don't need him to answer the door. We just need him to leave the room. One minute should be enough. We need him to leave the room for one minute!
ALVINA
How?
(THE INTERVIEWER GETS UP AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Figure it out please!
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Joey! Salvatore! Come with me! We have to get to work! No time to lose!
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE DOOR AND WE HEAR THE HULLABALOO OUTSIDE)
ALVINA
Wait wait wait! You can't just leave! Explain!
(THE INTERVIEWER CLOSES THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
New duties! Joey and Salvatore figure out a way to break into Hollingworth Hall. I tell Kozlowski to stop working on the lip balm and whip up a bludgeoned corpse instead. Then I go to the kitchen and put my new blood recipe to the test. In the meantime, you figure out a distraction to get Mr Hollingworth out of the drawing room.
ALVINA
How the blazes do I do that? Didn't I tell you that I'm using every last ounce of energy wrangling a partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese a laying, seven swans a swimming and eight maids a milking?
)THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE DOOR AGAIN. THE SOUND OF THE ANIMALS OUTSIDE CAN BE HEARD)
INTERVIEWER
You'll think of something Alvina!
ALVINA
Wait!
(THE INTERVIEWER CLOSES THE DOOR AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
What is it now?
ALVINA
I think I have!
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Thought of something!
INTERVIEWER
Oh?
ALVINA
That noise... Out in the hall...
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes I know…
ALVINA
What if there was an almighty cacophony outside Hollingworth Hall...
INTERVIEWER
You mean... You mean...
(EXCITED)
You mean the sound of a partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese a laying, seven swans a swimming and eight maids a milking?
ALVINA
That is exactly what I mean!
(THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA LAUGH)
INTERVIEWER
Well, we'll need to squeeze them all in the van...
ALVINA
It would be a good idea to get them out of the office anyway. We don't want the neighbours setting the police on us.
INTERVIEWER
It's a plan!
ALvina
Just when I thought this couldn't get any more bonkers.
(SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND GOES INTO THE HALLWAY. CACOPHONY OF ANIMALS)
(CALLING)
Ok, listen up Patrick, Romeo, Juliet, Serge, Jacques, Francoise, Brünnhilde, Ortrud, Fricka, Freia, Woglinde, Wellgunde, Flosshilde, Daisy, Magic, Nellie, Dottie, Clarabelle, Bessie, Gertie, Crystal Muffin and all the goslings! We're going on a road trip!
(THE CACOPHONY FADES OUT)
IN THE VAN.
(FADE UP ON A PARTRIDGE, TWO TURTLE DOVES, THREE FRENCH HENS, FOUR CALLING BIRDS, SIX GEESE A LAYING, SEVEN SWANS A SWIMMING AND EIGHT MAIDS A MILKING, AMELIA, ALVINA, THE INTERVIEWER, JOEY AND SALVATORE IN THE VAN)
AMELIA
Are you sure taking a partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens, four calling birds, six geese a laying, seven swans a swimming and eight maids a milking in a minivan was a good idea?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. We need to create the mother of all distractions. It's the only way to lure Cuthbert out of his board game bunker.
SALVATORE
We've arrived.
(THE VAN STOPS WITH A JOLT AND SALVATORE SWITCHES OFF THE ENGINE)
ALVINA
Right, so Joey and Salvatore, you crawl through the rose garden to the back of the house, where you can clamber up to the roof. Once we give you the signal, you slide the bag with the corpse down the chimney and into the drawing room. You've got the corpse Joey?
JOEY
Yes, but Clarabelle trampled on it.
INTERVIEWER
Well it's bludgeoned anyway. It'll be fine.
ALVINA
The two of you slide down the chimney after the corpse, set the scene, then jump out of the window and over the garden wall together with Dorothy. Remember you only have a minute. You stay hidden in Wickham Woods until we come and pick you up, ok?
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) Got it!
ALVINA
Once you two are on the roof, Amelia, Arthur and I herd the animals into the front garden. I'll take care of the partridge, doves, hens and calling birds, Arthur is in charge of the geese and swans -
INTERVIEWER
(ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yup!
ALVINA
Amelia takes the cows and their milk maids.
AMELIA
(LESS ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Yup.
ALVINA
Once we see Mr Hollingworth at the window we'll give you the signal. Three flashes of a torch.
ALVINA
So, everyone got that?
JOEY
Got it!
INTERVIEWER
Let's do this!
(HE OPENS THE DOOR OF THE VAN. FAINT CHA CHA CHA MUSIC)
Um, slight problem...
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Hear that?
(HE OPENS THE DOOR WIDER AND WE HEAR THE MUSIC MORE LOUDLY. WE ALSO HEAR THE SOUND OF DANCING FEET...)
SALVATORE
What's that?
ALVINA
Oh no...
AMELIA
Nine ladies dancing!
GROANS
Just what we need!
(THE INTERVIEWER CLOSES THE VAN DOOR AGAIN AND THE SOUND DIMS)
INTERVIEWER
How did they find us?
ALVINA
Oh well, we're here with Old McDonald's Farm anyway, so what the hell! The more the merrier right? I'll go talk to them, get them to join in. They'll add nicely to the racket.
(ALVINA OPENS THE DOOR AND WE HEAR THE MUSIC AND DANCING)
(STEPPING OUT OF THE VAN)
Ladies! Listen up!
(ALVINA CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HER AND THE SOUND OF THE LADIES DIMS)
AMELIA
Whoa, what is that smell?
INTERVIEWER
What smell? I can't –
(IT HITS HIM)
Oh that smell! Oh god oh god oh god!
JOEY
I think Nellie just farted.
AMELIA
It's foul! Please open the door!
(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE DOOR AND ALVINA COMES BACK IN. SHE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN, SO WE HEAR THE WILD MUSIC AND DANCING OUTSIDE)
ALVINA
It's no use! They're circle dancing around the van and I can't get a word in edgewise!
AMELIA
Well then we go ahead without them. We have to get out of this van. Nellie just let one rip.
ALVINA
Amelia didn't you hear me? They're circle dancing around the van.
AMELIA
So?
ALVINA
So there's no way of getting out!
AMELIA
We just push past them Alvina.
ALVINA
Um, have you seen their dancing?
AMELIA
No, I... let's see then...
(SHE POKES HER HEAD OUT OF THE VAN)
That is some ferocious dancing.
ALVINA
Right?
INTERVIEWER
Oh this is ridiculous! We're not letting ourselves be besieged by nine ladies dancing!
(JOEY LAUGHS)
ALVINA
Ok, you go deal with them!
JOEY
No problem.
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) Let's go Joey!
JOEY
We'll sort this out!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE CLAMBER OUT OF THE VAN. THEY CLOSE THE DOOR BEHIND THEM)
ALVINA
I tried, I really did! But they're dancing like they're possessed! I mean the speed! Round and round the van! It made me dizzy just looking at them. Um, what's that smell?
AMELIA
I told you. Nellie farted.
INTERVIEWER
Actually, that's a new one. Bessie.
ALVINA
How can you tell?
INTERVIEWER
Nellie's farts smell of fermented fish, Bessie's smell of rotten eggs.
AMELIA
Yep, definitely getting the eggs.
ALVINA
Okay, We've definitely spent too long living with livestock.
(JOEY AND SALVATORE COME CRASHING INTO THE VAN)
JOEY
Woahhhhhhh –
SALVATORE
Everything is spinning - ouch!
INTERVIEWER
Joey and Salvatore! What happened?
JOEY
It's impossible?
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
What's impossible?
SALVATORE
We can't get out.
INTERVIEWER
Why not?
JOEY
Their dancing!
SALVATORE
It's too fast!
JOEY
We tried to break through but they grabbed our hands...
SALVATORE
Made us join the circle and dance round and round the van with them!
JOEY
Whoah… I'm so diiiiizzzzzzy!
INTERVIEWER
Oh for heavens sake.
ALVINA
Do you want to go out there and try and break their ranks?
INTERVIEWER
No.
AMELIA
Then I suppose all we can do is wait. They have to stop dancing at some point, right?
(FADE OUT OF ANIMAL SOUNDS)
THE VAN, LATER
(FADE UP. MUCH LATER. IF ANYTHING THE SOUND OF THE MUSIC AND DANCING HAS GOT EVEN MORE FEROCIOUS. ALTHOUGH THE VAN DOORS ARE CLOSED, WE CAN HEAR IT SEEPING IN)
ALVINA
(YAWNING)
What time is it?
AMELIA
Almost midnight.
INTERVIEWER
Are they never going to get tired?
ALVINA
I'm tired...
SALVATORE
Joey's sleeping.
(JOEY SNORES)
Joey!
AMELIA
No. Let him sleep.
SALVATORE
But the plan?
AMELIA
Has failed.
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
We have to accept it. We're not getting Dorothy out of there. Not today. Mr Hollingworth has won.
ALVINA
Ugh, we were doing so well! Twelve disappearances in twelve days... I really started to think we were going to pull it off!
AMELIA
I'm sorry. I… I should never have accepted this case.
(SALVATORE SNORES)
INTERVIEWER
Ah look. Salvatore is asleep now too.
ALVINA
We should all get some shut eye. (YAWNS) Tomorrow is another day.
AMELIA
(YAWNING)
Tomorrow is another day.
INTERVIEWER
Tomorrow is another –
(HE FALLS ASLEEP)
END.