DOGOPEARANCES
PHILIP
Hello, dear Amelia listeners, it's Philip, and as announced at the end of the last episode, we've now settled into our usual biweekly release schedule, which means the next regular episode comes out next week, but we have a special treat for you today nonetheless. Back in the first season, The Amelia project telephone number was mentioned in Episode 10 and some brave listeners took it upon themselves to call that number. Ever since we've been receiving mysterious, funny, scary and downright bananas messages on our answer phone. We played you the first compilation of these messages at the end of season one. But we've since received many more. Especially since we recently posted an image on Twitter, which again contained the secret number. So today, we'd like to play you another compilation of listener voicemails. Unfortunately, we can't play every voicemail we received as there were quite a lot. And we had to make a selection, and in some cases, the phone connection was quite ropey so the audio was sadly unusable. But thank you to everyone who called in and today we'll be playing a small selection, and we'll play some more in future episodes. There was a certain theme to several of the voicemails which you will discover and which will make sense of this bonus episode’s title. So, everything you hear after the answer phone is listener created even today's rendition of the theme tune, which was sent in by Caroline Mincks. Hope you enjoy this episode.
ANSWER PHONE VOICE
Congratulations. You've reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. If you continue, there is no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing, a hoax. Leave your message and your email address after the beep.
THEME TUNE
bom bom
bom bom bom bom
bom bom bom bom
bom bom bom bom
bom bom bom bom bom bom bom
CALLER 1
Hi, my name’s Ari. I use they/them pronouns. And I have been stuck for so long. I am trapped in a body that was never meant to be mine. And that doesn't always do the things I need it to do. I have always needed to run away so I can't hurt people. Please, Amelia, I need your help, please get in touch with me at (WHITE NOISE) You may be my last hope. Before things get out of control. Please. Please Amelia, call me.
BEEP.
CALLER 2
(BARKING)
BEEP.
CALLER 3
Hi. This is Bob. I hope you can hear me. I can't speak up very loud. I’m in a pod. And Al is listening. I don't have long. I keep dying and coming back over and over. Please. You have to help me escape. But I don't know where I am. I think I'm in space on a ship in a pod. It's uncivilized. Oh, oh, here’s someone coming. Please help me.
BEEP.
CALLER 4
I’m to disappear - uhm, so - I want to disappear from the school and come back as a princess.
BEEP.
CALLER 5
I never thought I'd have to call this number. I… I don't know what to do. Amelia. Please. Can you help me. My dog. He needs to… he needs to disappear. I came out to our living room this morning and there were bones. I, I went to the backyard, more bones. There was a giant pit dug in the backyard. And I fear to think what else I might find. He needs to disappear. Can… Can someone help me? Can he be… hidden? Can he be… a Chihuahua?
BEEP.
FAINT CLUB MUSIC.
CALLER 6
Hello. Eh. Hi. Nice. I really, really need your help and if it is okay with you. Oh gosh. You see that's the problem. I'm so obsessed with being comfortable that I became the most comfortable person. And now I had so so many friends and every one of them wants to talk to me to go out with me to tell me everything they want. And I can’t say no because I don't want to offend them, but I can’t take it anymore. Right now I'm in the bathroom. There is this strange kinky party I didn't want to go to, but my friend invited me, told me she’d be happy if I go. Please help me disappear so I can start again with a little less comfortableness.
(KNOCKING)
Just a few more seconds. Sorry! Please!
BEEP
CALLER 7
Woof. Woof-woof. Woof. Amelia. Woof. It's Bon Jovi. Woof. I have to speak fast while my owner isn't in the room. Yes, you're not mistaken. I have an owner. Woof. I'm a dog, and I need to dogapeare. I'm glad I finally got through, I kept mistyping the number. Do you how difficult it is to dial a number with paws? Woof, woof, woof! Anyways, let's get to business. Woof. My owner isn't letting me pick up food from the street, and I can't take it anymore. Woof, woof, woof, woof! I love my owner so I don't want her to be hurt. So here's the plan. Woof. You'll need to clone me and make the other me change places with, well, me. I myself want to become human in my new life, woof, woof, a food truck owner to be precise, so I can spend all day with preparing food and eating it. Woof, woof, howl! And after closing my business for the night, howl, I can eat everything that got dropped by my customers! That would be double heaven! For payment, how about co ownership of Bon Jovi's Nam-Nam Truck? Can't wait to bark at you!
- AD BREAK -
BEEP.
CALLER 8
I’m just calling for the hot chocolate. I think chocolate is a different God.
BEEP.
CALLER 9
Oh thank God it's you. I don't know how long I have but, I found something. Something ancient and old. To put a long story short, I need your help hiding from the earth itself, before the planet swallows me whole.
BEEP.
CALLER 10
Hello. Hello, is this Amelia? Ahhh! I can’t believe this call is really happening. First, I love my life. My work. Most of the time. My family. Most of the time. My friends, at least some of them, and just everything else, but… I'm bored. I am boring. I need something exciting before boring myself to eternal sleep. So, I just have to disappear. And it must be spectacular. It should be my birthday with 100 and more guests. I don't even know so many people, huh but I'm sure you will fix that. I want a party in a chocolate factory with music and dance and chocolate covered strippers, and of course chocolate. When the guests are in the best mood, filled with sugar and dancing like mad, it's a perfect moment for me to disappear. I will climb up an enormous barrel filled with hot cocoa, speaking a toast to the guests, oh, and myself, of course, and drown in the cocoa barrel. Oh, great, isn’t it? Please don't say it's boring.
Oh yeah, and for reappearing, I want to be me. Like I said, I love my life. So after hiding for a few weeks, perhaps with with that chocolate covered strippers for entertaining, I'll come back, like nothing happened, but everything will be more exciting. Maybe Salvatore can give me a new haircut, something really different, but not too short, not too crazy, not too different. Oh, I know, highlights or something like that! And I need new glasses. I can't see very well with those I have right now. And glasses make people look totally different, right? Oh, and yeah, as I said, I like almost everything about my life. So, I want to be me. But as a really famous podcast writer and actor. But I'm not creative, and my voice isn't very special. I'm a bit boring I guess. But I'm sure you can fix that too. Please don't consider this whole thing a hoax. I totally mean it. I can't wait to dis- and reappear. Amelia, I'm so desperate for your call.
BEEP.
CALLER 11
Uhm. Hello Amelia. I need your help. My friend and I are kind of in trouble, across the country, trouble. I swear we were just trying to get away from the heat. It's not our fault they turned the snow park into a secret military base in the summer. We need to disappear. Hopefully to somewhere cold. Call me.
BEEP.
CALLER 12
Hello, my name is Carlötta Beautox. I hope I've reached the right number. You may have heard of me, I'm an actress and an influenceress who created quite a public stir some months ago when I was accused of fraud and was banished from Hollywood. Well, for the record, I didn't do it, okay, it was just all a big misunderstanding. But I suppose that doesn't matter anymore. I am this generations Milli Vanilli. I am quite the pariah and have been in hiding ever since. Well, I heard about your agency and thought, yes, a company that can fake my death is just the ticket. If we fake my death perhaps I'll make it to the Oscars In Memoriam-piece. In fact, I'm certain I will. I have an idea on how we can do it. Okay, so I'm like, totally just spitballing here but let's say we fade up from black to me, a fallen celebrity who goes to visit the Hollywood sign on a beautiful sunlit LA morning. Just then, an earthquake hits. It's a big one, the ground opens and the earth swallows me up. The music swells and we roll to credits. Now, I realised there may be CGI involved so I'm not sure if that's in your budget. Anyway, that's just my take on how it can go down. I am totally collaborative, though, and will leave it to you, the professionals. Thank you, and I hope you can help. I’ll gird my loins as I wait for your notes or, rather, your answer. Moah!
THEME TUNE
Plink, donk, donk
Plink, donk, donk
Plink, donk, donk
Plink, donk, donk
Boooaaawww boaw boaaawww boaw boaawww boaww boaww boaaaaaawww
Nananananananana…
PHILIP
Thank you so much to everyone who called in. If you would like to call The Amelia Project and tell us why you need to disappear, you can find the number at the very end of episode 10. You’ll need the UK international dialling code if you're calling from overseas. Alternatively, to get around calling charges you can email an audio clip to implodingfictions at gmail.com. Thank you for listening, and see you again next week.
THEME TUNE (CONT.)
Plink, plink, plink, plink, plink…
END OF EPISODE.
(Transcription assistance by https://otter.ai)
