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PIP

The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar starts today, with a new mini glimpse into the Amelia offices every day up until the 25th of December. The Calendar is dedicated to Houcine Kandil!

(AMELIA THEME BUT MAKE IT CHRISTMAS!!!!)

ØYSTEIN

The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. Door one.

(WHAT WE HEAR IS THE SOUND FROM A HOME VIDEO CAMERA. [WORDS IN BRACKETS] - ARE WHAT'S SAID RIGHT BEFORE OR AFTER THE CAMERA STARTS RECORDING)

(STATIC. CLICK)

INTERVIEWER

if I click this button then? HELLO? IS THIS ON? How do I know if it is on - oh, it must be THIS button!

(CLICK. STATIC. CLICK)

…can't believe how good that turned out! My first episode, and I blew it out of the water! How on earth am I going to top that?! Oh, I can't have the 1st of December being the best one! Ha ha! Ooh, I need to watch that back. How do I rewind - ?

(CLICK. STATIC. CLICK)

[Why] - can't I find what I just recorded? Perhaps it didn't record. Oh no! That means I need to do it all over again! (SIGHS) It'll never be as good. Well, if that wasn't the record button, which one is it - ?

(CLICK. STATIC. CLICK)

[No,] - no, it must be this button. Yes. Yes, I think it's on now.

BEAT.

Oh - what does that red light mean? Red means warning, doesn't it... Red means stop! Aw, I've broken it! I’ve broken it! Dammit!

(CLICK. STATIC. CLICK)

ALVINA

-like that... Okay? This is the recording button.

INTERVIEWER

Look! There's the red light again! I told you it's broken!

ALVINA

No, no, the red light just tells you it's recording.

INTERVIEWER

What- Really?!

ALVINA

Yes.

INTERVIEWER

Well, that's silly. Why isn't it green?

ALVINA

I suppose that's because -

INTERVIEWER

Wait - did you say we're rolling? Give me the camera! Quick!

(KERFUFFLE)

ALVINA

Careful! Here, here!

INTERVIEWER

Hello viewers! Happy first day of December! Welcome to my advent memoir video-log calendar! And welcome to The Amelia Project! I will be telling you all about who we are and what we do -

ALVINA

Why are you making this? Who are you showing it to? You're not planning on uploading this are you? Upstairs would not be happy about that.

INTERVIEWER

Uploading? You mean to the Googly?

ALVINA

I mean to the internet, yes, you can't upload to Google. I was thinking YouTube or -

BEAT.

Why am I worried? You couldn't tell a URL from... SNL!

INTERVIEWER

Poppycock! SNL stands for Saturday Night Live.

ALVINA

I didn't think you'd know that!

INTERVIEWER

I'll have you know I was a stage hand on their very first season.

ALVINA

Really?

INTERVIEWER (CON’T)

And URL stands for the Underwater Rugby League.

ALVINA

It doesn't.

INTERVIEWER

Anyhow, I'm not offloading this anywhere.

ALVINA

Up-loading.

INTERVIEWER

I'm making it just for me.

ALVINA

You mean as a hobby?

INTERVIEWER

You know how easily I get bored. And December is such a drag!

ALVINA

December is a drag?! Are you joking? There are end of year reports, accounts to finalize before the holidays, sending out encrypted client satisfaction surveys, a stocktake of the corpses in Kozlowski's freezers... Not to mention all the baking! It's the busiest month of the year!

INTERVIEWER

For you, maybe. Not for me. January, on the other hand, is as busy as a wet nurse's teet!

ALVINA

There's an analogy I'm going to have nightmares about.

INTERVIEWER (CON’T)

Most people, even the ones who hate their life, want one more Christmas before they let go and disappear. But people who have just suffered yet another disastrous family vacation, come flocking to the death faking industry before the new year fireworks have stopped ringing in their ears! But in December... I'm usually very bored.

ALVINA

Well, as long as this video thing -

INTERVIEWER

Advent Memoir Video-log Calendar.

ALVINA (Con’T)

- doesn't get in the way of you dealing with clients, I suppose I don't see the harm in it.

INTERVIEWER

It won't.

ALVINA

So, what kind of content are you planning then?

INTERVIEWER

Content like this: Welcome to The Amelia Project!

ALVINA

You already said that.

INTERVIEWER

We are a death faking organization, and the best one you'll ever come across! But don't come to us with a simple insurance fraud, oh no, we only take on the most interesting clients! Narcissists who have lost their reflection! Astronauts who are scared of moon-dust! Traveling salesmen who could pay us in a lot of frequent flier miles!

ALVINA

We prefer cash to frequent flier miles.

INTERVIEWER

Alvina! Don't interrupt - There's a new blinking light-thingy! Ah, look! It broke again!

ALVINA

That's just the battery indicator.

INTERVIEWER

Battery indicator? WHat nonsense! I haven't battered it! I was very careful!

ALVINA

No, it means -

(CHANGING TACK)

Did you charge the- (IT CUTS OUT)

END OF EPISODE.