DOOR 10

(AMELIA THEME BUT MAKE IT CHRISTMAS!!!!)

ØYSTEIN

The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. Door ten.

(CLICK)

INTERVIEWER

Today is December 10th and I have a special treat for you!

CLIENT

For me?

INTERVIEWER

No. Well yes, but I wasn't talking to you.

CLIENT

Huh?

INTERVIEWER

Just a second. I'm talking to the camera. So rude.

(TO THE CAMERA)

Now… I am going to give you a sneak peak of a client interview!

CLIENT

Why are you filming?

INTERVIEWER

I'm making an advent memoir video-log calendar!

CLIENT

What is an advent video... uhm...?

INTERVIEWER (INTERRUPTING)

An advent memoir video-log calendar!

CLIENT

Huh…?(MORE INSISTENT) An advent memoir video-log calendar!!!!

INTERVIEWER

Why doesn’t anyone-

CLIENT

Right...?

INTERVIEWER

It's a hobby project.

CLIENT

But... I'm being filmed?

INTERVIEWER

You're being recorded anyway. All our interviews are taped. (CLEARS THROAT)

CLIENT

Why?

INTERVIEWER

For training and quality purposes.

CLIENT

Right.

INTERVIEWER

So, we've come to the part of the interview where we're about to figure out your new life!

CLIENT

Great.

INTERVIEWER (CON’T)

And boy, do I have a treat for you!

CLIENT

You do? I thought you said you didn't.

(THE INTERVIEWER HANDS OVER A PIECE OF PAPER)

INTERVIEWER

No, I absolutely do! Here is a special identity which I have pulled from our catalog just for you!

CLIENT

It looks old.

INTERVIEWER

Oh! It's a prime identity!

CLIENT

The paper is all yellow.

INTERVIEWER

A high quality new life!

CLIENT

And dusty too - achoo! Pardon me.

INTERVIEWER

A life like none other - as a Scottish lord!

(EXCITED INTERVIEWER SOUNDS)

CLIENT

Do you have anything more... contemporary?

INTERVIEWER

The lordship even comes with property! Just outside the picturesque town of Dumphries and Galloway!

CLIENT

It says the land is twenty square yards. That's about the size of this room.

INTERVIEWER

And to top it all off, there's a mansion!

CLIENT

This thing on the picture? It's not a mansion, it's more like a shed...

INTERVIEWER

And a title! You'll be a lord!

CLIENT

Is there water and electricity?

INTERVIEWER

In Dumphries and Galloway?

CLIENT

In the... Mansion.

INTERVIEWER

Uhm... Not yet...

cLIENT

Any pubs nearby?

INTERVIEWER

Well, depends what you mean by "nearby"... Nearby is … relatives

CLIENT

I think I'll pass.

INTERVIEWER

Why? Don't you like rolling hills and pretty views and... greenery and... peace and quiet and... (REALLY TRYING NOW) haggis and... beautiful farmland?!

CLIENT

I don't care much for sheep.

BEAT.

Do you have anything a tad more... uhm… urban?

INTERVIEWER

(MUTTERING TO HIMSELF)

Why does no one want to be a lord...! Twenty years I've tried to shift this identity... I don't get it! I simply don't get it!

(CLICK)

END OF EPISODE.