DOOR 12

(AMELIA THEME BUT MAKE IT CHRISTMAS!!!!)

ØYSTEIN

The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. Door twelve.

(CLICK)

OUTSIDE IN THE BACK ALLEY. THE INTERVIEWER IS COMING DOWN THE STEPS FROM THE DOOR.

INTERVIEWER

Welcome to the 12th of December! Today I'll be showing you an important -

(HE SLIPS ON THE STAIRS AND NEARLY FALLS)

Whoa!

(HE CATCHES HIS BALANCE AT THE LAST MOMENT)

Phew. (LAUGHS) Good thing no one saw that, eh. Oh. The homeless man is looking at me.

(TO THE HOMELESS MAN) I'm fine! I didn't fall! I will ask Salvatore to get rid of the ice on the steps! Nothing to see here!

(TO THE CAMERA AGAIN) Anyway, as I was saying: Today I am showing you an essential feature of the Amelia operation: The van!

Now, as you may already know, the van has a leather armchair installed in the back, for when I need to join Joey and Salvatore on stakeouts. There's a biscuit dispenser, and a cup holder for my thermos of cocoa. But today I'll be revealing a NEW piece of equipment! But why more equipment I hear you ask. With everything you already described, what more could you possibly need?

Well, I'll tell you what's been missing: A Malteser gun!

Yes! I've asked Salvatore to install a remote controlled Malteser gun for easy snacking! No more rustily sounds from the wrapping paper, endangering a sensitive mission. The Malteser gun comes with a silencer!

Salvatore has just informed me that it's ready, and the time has come to test our new feature.

(THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE BACK OF THE VAN AND CLIMBS IN. HE CLOSES THE DOORS BEHIND HIM AND SITS DOWN IN THE SEAT)

Okay... Let's play out a scenario! I have just got comfortable in the armchair. I am looking through the periscope at what's going on outside, when I feel a rumble in my tummy -

Wait, oh, what are you doing? No! Don't piss on the steps! Oh, god! Can you see this?

(A CLUNK AS THE INTERVIEWER TRIES FILMING THROUGH THE PERISCOPE)

I don't know if you can film through a periscope, but what you may or may not see right now is that homeless guy relieving himself right on our front steps. Oh, how unseemly. Urine running down the stairs, melting away the ice - oh! I suppose that could be rather useful. I almost slipped on that ice. I wonder if that's why he's doing it...

Anyhow, we're here to look at the Malteser gun.

(HE MOVES THE CAMERA AWAY FROM THE PERISCOPE)

So, now. The remote is mounted here, on the armrest and the gun is mounted over there on the opposite wall - aimed directly at my mouth. Now, let's say I feel a bit peckish, I just reach down to the remote, open my mouth and press the button - AAA!

(HE PRESSES THE BUTTON. A MALTESER IS SHOT OUT OF THE GUN WITH A SOFT BANG - AND HITS HIM RIGHT IN THE FRONT TEETH)

Ouch!!! Ow, oh gosh, my tooth! My tooth!

(IN PAIN, TRYING NOT TO SWEAR) Gosh, darn, golly, bubblewrap! That hurt!

(CLICK)

END OF EPISODE.