DOOR 16
(AMELIA THEME BUT MAKE IT CHRISTMAS!!!!)
ØYSTEIN
The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. Door sixteen.
CLICK.
OUTSIDE. WIND. GRADUALLY A LOUDER AND LOUDER ROAR FROM A HELICOPTER LANDING.
INTERVIEWER
Today it's the 16th of December, and right now we are standing in a field in an undisclosed place in Kent!
ALVINA
Will you please tell me why you've dragged me out here? It's freezing!
INTERVIEWER
You will see very soon!
ALVINA
Are we meeting a client?
INTERVIEWER
Not exactly.
ALVINA
Meeting subcontractors?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALVINA
Purchasing something illicit?
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Bingo!
ALVINA
Oh lord. What?
(THE HELICOPTER IS QUITE LOUD NOW)
INTERVIEWER
Look up!
ALVINA
Are we buying this thing from whoever is in that helicopter?
INTERVIEWER
Well... sort of. I mean I've already paid. We're just picking up the delivery.
ALVINA
Why is it coming by helicopter?
INTERVIEWER
Ha! It isn't!
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
It's coming by helicopter pilot!
ALVINA
What is that supposed to mean?!
INTERVIEWER
We're not buying something delivered in a helicopter, we are buying a helicopter!
ALVINA
We are- Why the hell are we buying a helicopter?! Neither of us can fly a helicopter!
INTERVIEWER
I know! But don’t worry, we don't need to -
ALVINA (CON’T)
How much does a helicopter cost? I thought I had a handle on our spending for once, and then you go and buy a - !
INTERVIEWER
I’ve got to hide the camera, Alvina, he mustn’t know I’m filming.
ALVINA
This is the most insane purchase you have ever made, and that includes when you bought-
(HER WORDS ARE DROWNED OUT AS THE HELICOPTER LANDS. SLOWLY THE ROTOR BLADES COME TO A STANDSTILL. A MAN JUMPS OUT OF THE HELICOPTER)
PILOT
Hey there!
INTERVIEWER
Are you Buck?
PILOT
Sure am. Are you Mister Dot Amelia Underscore Hush Hush?
INTERVIEWER
That's me!
PILOT
Your ID please?
INTERVIEWER
Ye- What? Identification papers?
PILOT
Uh, yeah. Uhm, yeah, I don’t carry those, not real ones, anyway. I don’t have real ones. I mean, at home I have a drawer full of fake ones, Oh! I could go back and get you one of those? You could even choose the nationality, I have a british passport, a persian passport, a faroese passport,
PILOT
Haha, I was just messin’ with you. We don’t need to see ID.
INTERVIEWER
(RELIEVED) Oh, yeah, yes. Well, actually, I was having you one. I don’t have a faroese passport. Only a faroese ID card. And a faroese bank card.
(PAUSE)
I lost the passport.
PILOT
Hehe, haven’t we all. Hey, we don’t care if you’re a dictator or a daycare teacher, if you can pay, we can provide.
ALVINA
Excuse me for interrupting, but … you sell stolen helicopters?
PILOT
Eh, choppers, tanks, F16s, military drones… They don’t have to be stolen, they can simply be… serendipitously acquired. Who are you?
ALVINA
None of your business.
PILOT
Down underscore, hush hush.
ALVINA
Sure.
PILOT
Hm. I like your eyes. You got a fierce look.
ALVINA
Right now I probably do, yes. You see, my friend here has gone and bought-
PILOT
So… Are you ready to sign the proof of purchase?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, yes just a minute, I- I’m- sign the- wait, but you said- uhm, no paper trail.
PILOT
Oh, it’s no paper. It’s a digital signature.
INTERVIEWER
Oh a digi- Ah, you’re messing with me ag-
PILOT (INTERRUPTING)
Yeah, I am, ready to grab the keys?
INTERVIEWER
No, no, I have to inspect this thing… Can’t buy a chopper without, uhm, you know, uhm… looking… at it first… Hm… See what we got here…
(KICKS HELICOPTER AND YELPS IN PAIN)
Oh good lord… Think I just broke my toe…
(TO THE OTHERS)
Just- uh- just checking the tires! Landing gear, the landing gear…
Seems decent!
PILOT
The chopper is in tippety-top condition.
INTERVIEWER
Uh, hm, is that right, uhm- Well, what about the, uhm, the rotor blades - are they… uhm… correctly axeled…? Is this chaussee oiled? Are the spark plugs still aerodynamic? How many nautical miles has it flown? Has it passed the MOT? Does it come with both summer and winter tires? Oh, are any of the tail lights broken? Wouldn’t want to get pulled over. And if it doesn’t have a cup holder, I’m afraid this deal is off.
PILOT
There’s a cup holder.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, good.
ALVINA
What are we doing buying a helicopter?
PILOT
Ready to shake on it?
(DANGLES KEYS)
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely!
ALVINA
Hey! I said - what are we doing buying a flipping helicopter?!
INTERVIEWER
Not now, Alvina!
PILOT
Give me the code word and I’ll hand them over.
INTERVIEWER
Maltesers!
PILOT
That's right. Here they are.
(THE PILOT THROWS A SET OF KEYS TO THE INTERVIEWER, WHO CAN’T CATCH THEM)
INTERVIWER
Oh, whoop, butterfingers, slippery fingers, now where are they… Hm… Oh, ah! There they are!
(PICKS THEM UP)
Thank you!
PILOT
No worries. ANy chance you might fancy a tank now that you’re at it?
INTERVIEWER
A tank, well-
ALVINA (TALKING OVER HIM)
(QUICKLY) Nope! We do not want a tank!
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, let’s not be hasty!
PILOT
It’s a real good tank! Only used in two world wars, hardly a scratch on it!
INTERVIEWER
Hardly a scratch! See, Alvina, that’s very tempting, but very very tempting.
ALVINA
No. It’s not.
PILOT
And the best thing is - I can get you a really good deal!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Listen to that! Ah- All good!
ALVINA
No. Just no.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, please!
PILOT
Half price.
(EXCITED INTAKE OF BREATH BY THE INTERVIEWER)
INTERVIEWER
Half price Alvina! Half price!
ALVINA
Yeah, half price of what.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, oh… Uh… Half price of- good point- Half price of what?
PILOT
Sales price!
INTERVIEWER
SALES PRICE ALVINA!!!! Half price of SALES PRICE!!! It doesn’t get any better than half price of-
ALVINA (INTERRUPTING)
We. Are. NOT. Getting. A. Tank.
(INTERVIEWER PROTESTS BUT GIVES UP)
Interviewer
(SAD SIGH) Alright… Sorry. No, we would have loved a tank. But… Not today.
PILOT
Meh. Your loss. Enjoy the chopper.
(THE PILOT STARTS WALKING OFF, WHISTLING TO HIMSELF)
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) I’d have enjoyed eating Maltesers in a tank…
ALVINA
Why did you buy a helicopter?
INTERVIEWER
Well, I mean, look at it Alvina. Isn’t it cool.
ALVINA
No! It’s not! None of us can fly a helicopter! What are we going to do with a helicopter!
INTERVIEWER
That’s the beauty of it, you see? We don’t need to be able to fly it!
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
Just imagine how great it's going to be when we blow it up! Boom!
ALVINA
You bought it just to blow it up?!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, don’t look at me like that! The Chaudry disappearance simply won't work without it. And it's too late to plan a new death.
ALVINA
I really, really, really wish you would talk to me before you did things like this.
INTERVIEWER
Yeah, but you see - if I did that, you would have said no. Come on now! We have to hurry up! We need to figure out a way to get this helicopter to Canary Wharf before sunset!
ALVINA
(UNDER HER BREATH) One of these days, I'm going to put arsenic in your cocoa...
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa? What?
ALVINA
Nothing.
INTERVIEWER
Now… do we know anyone with a very large trailer?
CLICK.
END OF EPISODE.