DOOR 24

(AMELIA THEME BUT MAKE IT CHRISTMAS!!!!)

ØYSTEIN

The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. Door 24.

CLICK.

(IN THE BACKGROUND, ALVINA IS TYPING, STAPLING, HOLE-PUNCHING AND WORKING HARD)

INTERVIEWER

Hi there! Today I'm in Alvina's office.

ALVINA

I'm busy! I need to finish these reports for upstairs.

INTERVIEWER

I've been thinking about something important -

(HE PLONKS THE CAMERA DOWN ON THE DESK)

ALVINA

Is this filming madness ever going to stop?

INTERVIEWER (CON’T)

- and I've come in here to consult with Alvina.

ALVINA

Do I have to participate in this?

INTERVIEWER (CON’T)

Alvina, you know Humphrey?

(ALVINA PUTS DOWN HER PAPERS)

ALVINA

(SUDDENLY INTERESTED)

Oh, the homeless guy? As a matter of fact, I've been thinking about him as well.

INTERVIEWER

You have?

ALVINA

Yes. We can't have him living in the back alley.

INTERVIEWER

That's exactly what I've been thinking!

ALVINA

He's scaring away clients!

INTERVIEWER

Oh.

ALVINA

Like the baroness of Rochestershire. That was a disaster. We have to ask him to find another back alley to live in!

INTERVIEWER

That's not what I've been thinking.

ALVINA

What have you been thinking? Please don't say 'hire him as a doorman'.

INTERVIEWER

No. You know that old left over corpse?

ALVINA

Which one?

INTERVIEWER

The one with the freezer burn.

ALVINA

Eh, yes?

INTERVIEWER

You know how a lot of homeless people freeze to death in the winter?

ALVINA

Where are you going with this?

INTERVIEWER

You know the lordship in Dumphries and Galloway which I just can't get rid of?

ALVINA

(CATCHES ON) Oh. No. No, no, no, no, no. Are you suggesting we fake Humphrey's death, replacing him with the corpse with the freezer burn and resurface him in Dumphries?

INTERVIEWER

And Galloway. Yes.

ALVINA

And make him a Scottish Lord?!

INTERVIEWER

Nobody wants the title.

ALVINA

That's because it comes with a shack and a pile of dirt!

INTERVIEWER

Yes! Which is exactly one house and twenty square yards of land more than Humphrey has right now.

ALVINA

He can't pay! He's homeless! We just spent a fortune on a helicopter for the Chaudry disappearance!

INTERVIEWER

Yeah, but wasn't it a beautiful explosion?

ALVINA

We need income!

INTERVIEWER

Alvina. What day is it today?

ALVINA

I don't even know. I think it's Christmas soon.

INTERVIEWER

It's Christmas Eve, Alvina. Christmas Eve.

BEAT.

(ALVINA SIGHS)

INTERVIEWER (CON’T)

Let this be our good deed for the year. It's this, or coming into work one morning realizing the fourth wise man isn't moving, and will never move again. Even if Amelia agrees to buying more freezers, I don't want to stock them with Humphrey.

ALVINA

You're right. You're absolutely right.

INTERVIEWER

Yes! I’m right! He'll be Lord Humphrey of Dumphries!

ALVINA

Actually, whilst we're at it, why don't we invite him to the office Christmas party tomorrow?

INTERVIEWER

Alvina - that’s a lovely idea I will do so right away!

(THE INTERVIEWER HURRIES OUT)

ALVINA

You forgot your camera! (SIGHS)

(CLICK)

END OF EPISODE.