DOOR 25
(AMELIA THEME BUT MAKE IT CHRISTMAS!!!!)
ØYSTEIN
The AMELIA Project Audio Advent Calendar. Door 25. Merry Christmas.
INTERVIEWER
Friends! Romans! Countrymen! I have a special surprise for you.
JOEY
A surprise!
KOZLOWSKI
What is it?
AMELIA
I don't like surprises.
SALVATORE
Come on! What is it?
INTERVIEWER
Please, please, gather around the TV!
AMELIA
Are we watching a Christmas movie?
ALVINA
Please let it be It's A Wonderful Life!
AMELIA
I hope it's Die Hard!
ALVINA
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie.
AMELIA
Careful now, Alvina.
JOEY
I love Die Hard!
ALVINA
What's your favorite Christmas movie, Salvatore?
SALVATORE
Easy! Gremlins!
ALVINA
What about you, Joey?
JOEY
The Grinch! It reminds me of Am- Ehm…
(SALVATORE LAUGHS)
AMELIA
Watch it Joey!
Kozlowski
I am a big fan of Elf.
AMELIA
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
But we're not watching any of those. Now hurry up, everyone. I want all my friends around the TV! That includes the Romans, Joey!
(JOEY SQUEEZES INTO THE SOFA. AMELIA GRUNTS AS SHE GETS PUSHED BY JOEY. JOEY GIVES UP)
JOEY
There's no more space on the sofa, I'll just sit on the sarcophagus.
KOZLOWSKI
Rubbish! We can squeeze!
AMELIA
No we can't.
KOZLOWSKI
Come on everybody!
SALVATORE
Squeeze!
(AMELIA GRUNTS)
KOZLOWSKI
See! Lots of space.
AMELIA
I can't breathe!
JOEY
Here I come!
(AMELIA GRUNTS AGAIN AS SHE IS SQUEEZED EVEN MORE)
INTERVIEWER
Now. For the last 25 days, you've all seen me running around with a camera.
(AMELIA GROANS)
ALVINA
You're even filming this, aren't you?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, I want to catch your reactions on tape!
SALVATORE
What?
AMELIA
This is a reaction video? Please count me out.
JOEY
Me too!
INTERVIEWER (IGNORES THEM)
Last evening I went over to see Lorraine, and my brilliant niece has edited together a short selection of clips from my videos. What started out as an Advent Memoir Video-Log Calendar has morphed into... a tribute. To us. To the team, to my favorite people, to my family.
ALVINA
Aw!
KOZLOWSKI
Who do you count as team members, and who are family?
JOEY
Are there any explosions in it? If not, I'm not that interested.
AMELIA
Oh, I'm with Joey on that one.
INTERVIEWER
As a matter of fact, there is an explosion.
JOEY
Great!
INTERVIEWER
Shall we begin?
ALVINA
Where's Humphrey?
INTERVIEWER
He’s still in the shower. He's already seen it, though, I used him as a test audience.
AMELIA
Play it already!
KOZLOWSKI
Yes! The suspense is unbearable!
INTERVIEWER
I'm so excited!
(THE INTERVIEWER PRESSES PLAY. THE VIDEO STARTS IN THE BACKGROUND. WE HEAR MAINLY MUSIC)
ALVINA
Aw, look! That's Joey and Salvatore making the snowman nativity scene!
SALVATORE
(PROUD) I made that!
JOEY
(PROUD) That one's mine!
KOZLOWSKI
Very impressive!
INTERVIEWER
I still don't understand why you guys didn't want my snow-dinosaur.
AMELIA
What- wait- what are we seeing now?
INTERVIEWER
The contents of Kozlowski's fridge.
KOZLOWSKI
(ANGRY) You went in my lab!
JOEY
Urgh! That's disgusting!
AMELIA
(GROSSED OUT) Why did you put that in there?
KOZLOWSKI
I cannot believe you went into my lab!
ALVINA
Who is that running out the door?
JOEY
She looks angry!
INTERVIEWER
That's the baroness of Rochestershire.
SALVATORE
I've never seen anyone slam the door that hard!
INTERVIEWER
To be honest, I didn't much care for her.
ALVINA
Good riddance, I say!
INTERVIEWER
Hear hear!
ALVINA
(LAUGHING) Look Amelia! That's you, holding your hand up to block the camera!
AMELIA
Hm. I said I didn't want to be in this thing -
(IMMEDIATELY FORGETS THAT SHE'S ANNOYED)
What are you all doing? Is that... pudding?
JOEY
Oh... the pudding!
AMELIA (CON’T)
Dripping off the walls?!
SALVATORE
Mama mia, why are you reminding us?!
ALVINA
Ugh. It took all of us to get that room clean again. You were lucky you were out of town, Amelia.
AMELIA
(LAUGHING) I love seeing you all work that hard!
INTERVIEWER
Whatever was in that bottle, Kozlowski?
KOZLOWSKI
It was -
Alvina
Nonono - hush! Please don't tell us...
SALVATORE
(WHISPERS TO KOZLOWSKI) You can tell me later!
INTERVIEWER
Oh! This is the last shot, which I am quite proud of. Lorraine said it has "high production value".
Alvina
You filmed us preparing for the Chaudry disappearance?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! You can actually see all of us, as we're each doing our little tasks to get ready for the…
(AN EXPLOSION ON THE TAPE. AFTER THE BANG THERE IS CRACKLING FIRE, SIZZLING EMBERS AND THE OCCASIONAL SOMETHING THAT BREAKS OFF AND FALLS)
ALVINA
Oh! Wow!
KOZLOWSKI
Wowsers trousers!
JOEY
Cool!
AMELIA
That really was a fantastic explosion.
KOZLOWSKI
Sure, though next year, I would like to do an explosion with more colors. I have some ideas.
SALVATORE
I'll help you out!
(THE MUSIC FADES OUT AND THE VIDEO ENDS)
INTERVIEWER
And that's the end. I thought it was nice ending on some fireworks.
JOEY
Bravo bravo!
SALVATORE
Bravo!
KOZLOWSKI
That was excellent!
ALVINA
Thank you for making that. That was really lovely!
AMELIA
Absolutely. Now you have to delete it. There can be no copies.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, don't worry. Lorraine is on it. Come tomorrow, it will all be gone. By the way, Amelia... I'm sorry about buying that helicopter. I got carried away. Again.
AMELIA
Hm.
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Yes, my New Year's resolution is not to do any unnecessary large scale purchases.
AMELIA
Oh, are you kidding? We made a fortune off of that thing exploding!
ALVINA
How?!
AMELIA
Uh, insurance?!
INTERVIEWER
You clever, clever person!
(FOOTSTEPS, SOMEONE IS COMING DOWN THE STAIRS)
ALVINA
Look! There's Humphrey!
HUMPHREY
(COY) Ho, ho, ho!
INTERVIEWER
Humphrey! You look so dashing!
KOZLOWSKI
Look at you!
AMELIA
You clean up nice, Humphrey.
ALVINA
You shaved!
INTERVIEWER
And Joey's suit looks like it was tailored for you!
JOEY
Why is he wearing my - !?
Alvina
Joey - it's Christmas.
JOEY
I... I guess. Buon Natale, Humphrey.
ALVINA
Grab a chair and I'll get you some mulled wine!
KOZLOWSKI
Could I have a top up too?
AMELIA
Me too, please. Quickly.
SALVATORE
More wine for everyone!
HUMPHREY
(HUMBLY) Cheers.
AMELIA
So? Are we getting any pudding soon?
SALVATORE
Finally, someone is making sense!
JOEY
Yes! Pudding!
INTERVIEWER
And I have the brandy here to pour over it.
(AMELIA TRIES TO INTERRUPT)
Don't worry, it's real brandy this time, nothing is going to explode. Ok, pass me the ladle...
AMELIA
Ah, here you go...
INTERVIEWER
I'll pour the brandy into it... There we go... Now I'm going to light it, then pour it over the pudding. Ready?
(HE SETS THE BRANDY ALIGHT)
ALVINA
Careful.
KOZLOWSKI
Woah! Careful with the ladle!
AMELIA
I love how the flames are blue. It seems otherworldly.
SALVATORE
Careful not to trip!
JOEY
That would be fricking hilarious!
ALVINA
I am going to stand a little bit further back though...
AMELIA
Yeah... Me too...
(ALVINA AND AMELIA MOVE FURTHER AWAY)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, there's nothing to worry about. Where's the pudding?
AMELIA
Over there, by the camera.
INTERVIEWER
There it is.
(HE MOVES OVER TO THE PUDDING, GETTING CLOSE TO THE CAMERA)
ALVINA
Careful now!
INTERVIEWER
Relax Alvina, I've literally done this hundreds of times!
ALVINA
Not "literally"...
AMELIA
Maybe move the pudding a little further from the camera before you pour...?
ALVINA
...you mean "figuratively".
INTERVIEWER
No, I want a close up. Now, Merry Christmas everyone!
Alvina
Merry Christmas!
KOZLOWSKI
Merry Christmas!
JOEY
Buon Natale!
SALVATORE
Buon Natale!
ALVINA
It really rubs me the wrong way when people use the word "literally" when they mean -
AMELIA
Don't stumble over the - !
KOZLOWSKI
Watch it!
INTERVIEWER
Whoops!
SALVATORE
Noooo!
JOEY
Noooo!
AMELIA
Arghhhhhhh!
KOZLOWSKI
Waaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!
(A STUMBLE, IMMEDIATELY A LOUD "WHOOSH" FROM THE FLAMES. THE CAMERA GOES BLACK. STATIC)
(SPARKLING. MUSIC)
PIP
Philip Thorne
The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar is dedicated to Houcine Kandil who will be trampled to death by reindeer and whom we will bring back as a writer of Christmas cracker jokes in Rovaniemi, Santa’s Christmas village.
The calendar was written by Oystein Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Adam Raymonda, and music by Adam Raymonda and Fredrik Baden.
It featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Hemi Yeroham as Kozlowski, James Hare as the client and Humphrey, Stan Morris as Joey, Fernando Tiberini as Salvatore and a very special cameo by Cliff Huizenga as Bud the helicopter pilot.
Production assistance by Maty Parzival and graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
We have really enjoyed accompanying you throughout December and hope you enjoyed it too, our thanks to our Indiegogo backers who made all this merry mayhem possible. Wishing you all wonderful Christmas and as we say in Germany “einen Guten Rutsch ins neue Jahr” a happy slither into the new year.
Thank you for listening and toodle-oo!
THE END.