DOOR 4

(AMELIA THEME BUT MAKE IT CHRISTMAS!!!!)

ØYSTEIN

The Amelia Project Audio Advent Calendar. Door four.

CLICK.

INTERVIEWER

Good morning! It's the 4th of December. If you're wondering, the camera landed softly in an open trash can, and wasn't hurt.

BEAT.

Joey too.

BEAT.

For today's episode I thought I'd do a comparative review! Alvina gave me a scone from her latest batch - so this one here is freshly baked. Next to that I've got one from two weeks ago, which has been lying on my desk half eaten.

And finally, I found this scone inside the sarcophagus the other day. I was just taking a nap, and then there was something hard poking my back. I haven't done a sarcophagus nap for a very long time, so this one must be from... let me see, last December? or before?

Let's see which is the better scone!

(HE PLAYS A CLUMSY ATONAL MELODY ON A XYLOPHONE)

Let's start with the fresh one.

(HE EATS, WITH HIS MOUTH FULL:)

Oh, mmmhh, this is really good. Alvina's scones are the best! (MUFFLED) Beg your pardon, let me- (NORMAL AGAIN) I've told her, if she didn't work for The Amelia Project, she should open a sconery! A bakery selling only scones! Uhm!

I give that one five out of five stars for consistency, five for taste, and five for general scrumptiousness.

Let's try the next one. This is the one that's two weeks old.

(HE EATS, HIS MOUTH FULL)

Ergh...! Blergh...!

(SPITS) The clotted cream has gone all sour, and the jam is moldy!

(RETCHES AND SHAKES)

Zero out of five stars for consistency, zero for taste and one star for scrumptiousness.

BEAT.

Well, it looked edible...!

And now… Finally, the one from last year… Or the year before.

So far, we've discovered that the fresh ones are delicious, and the old ones are horrible, but...! We all know that whilst last season's fashion is frowned upon, once something becomes vintage, it's soon back in vogue. So let's see if that also goes for scones…

(HE IS DREADING TAKING A BITE)

Here we go... Oh, it's so dry…

(HE TAKES A BITE. CRUNCH. HE CHEWS. HE CHOKES ON THE DRY BIT. IT'S STUCK IN HIS THROAT. HE IS CHOKING. HE TEARS OPEN THE DOOR AND RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE)

(DOWN THE HALL WE HEAR:)

ALVINA

What the - ? Oh my god! Relax! Relax! I know the Heimlich Maneuver! I'll do the Heimlich!

(THE INTERVIEWER RETCHES VIOLENTLY AS ALVINA DOES THE HEIMLICH. SHE GRUNTS AS SHE APPLIES FORCE)

ALVINA

(PANTING) Oh my God. You OK?

INTERVIEWER

(HOARSE) What was that?!

ALVINA

Heimlich Manouver.

INTERVIEWER

(HOARSE) I think you broke a rib!

ALVINA

And saved your life.

INTERVIEWER

(HOARSE) You called it the what-manouver?

ALVINA

The Heimlich Manouver. It was invented by Dr. Heimlich. You really haven't heard of it?

INTERVIEWER

(HOARSE) I have now...

ALVINA

It is famous all over the world, it has saved hundreds of thousands of lives! But - funny story - !

INTERVIEWER

(HOARSE) Yes…?

ALVINA

Dr. Heimlich only ever got to use the maneuver for real once in his life!

INTERVIEWER

Oh?

ALVINA

He invented it in 1974, and traveled around demonstrating it for the rest of his career, but it wasn't until 2016 he actually needed it! He was 96 years old when a lady resident in the same retirement home as him choked on a piece of her dinner! Dr. Heimlich used his maneuver and saved her life! Then he passed away only a few months later.

INTERVIEWER

(LESS HOARSE) That's very cute. You must teach it to me one day.

ALVINA

Will you be OK?

INTERVIEWER

(NORMAL) I'm good. I'm good. Can you remind me to only review liquids from now on?

(THE INTERVIEWER HEADS BACK INTO HIS OFFICE. AS HE WALKS OFF)

ALVINA

Review liquids - what are you talking about?

(THE INTERVIEWER CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM)

INTERVIEWER

(A LITTLE RASPY STILL)

Okay, I'm back. So that's zero stars for consistency and zero for taste. As crackers go it was rather tasteless. I also give it zero stars for overall scrumptiousness... but a whooping five stars for the surprising near-death experience! If you're into that kind of thing, I do recommend year old scones that have been stored in a sarcophagus.

That makes the winner of today's comparative review the freshly baked batch of scones, although I don't think I'll be eating any scones at all for a very very long time...

Toodledoo.

(HAWKS UP SOME PHLEGM)

CLICK.

END OF EPISODE.