What’s that, you thought it was over? Not yet! There’s an epilogue! It is dedicated to Liebredeaconito will slip on a banana peel right after declaring that nobody ever dies that way. We will resurface Liebredeaconito as far away from bananas as it is possible to get. Thank you to all our patrons who allow us to produce this show.
(AMELIA OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ENTERS THE HALLWAY)
AMELIA
(CALLS)
Hello, I'm back!
Mmmm, it smells good in here. Are you baking Alvina?
(ALVINA EXITS THE KITCHEN AND COMES INTO THE HALLWAY)
ALVINA
Amelia! Did everything go okay at Saint Pancras?
AMELIA
Splendidly. The ladies and French hens are on the Eurostar and will arrive in Paris in two hours.
ALVINA
Good.
AMELIA
I'm sure the ladies will have a great career as dancers at the Moulin Rouge, and the hens... well they'll probably end up as poulet frites or fricassee, but -
ALVINA
Oh, those hens are fierce. They can fend for themselves.
AMELIA
What about Joey and Salvatore?
ALVINA
They've set off for the Highlands to relocate the eleven pipers and will drop off the partridge in the North Yorkshire Moors and the geese, goslings, cows and milkmaids at a farm in the Cotswolds on the way. Oh and I was thinking we can give the potted pear tree to Mrs Blakely next door – you know, to apologise for the noise...
AMELIA
Good plan. And you've been baking?
ALVINA
Well, I tried airing, but even after two hours with the windows wide open I still got cow stench, goose pong and notes of chicken shit. And the dancing ladies' perfume and leaping lords' deodorant hangs in the air like an obstinate fart. So, I decided to bake a cake.
AMELIA
Well it's certainly done the trick! It smells delicious! What kind of cake is it?
ALVINA
An epiphany cake.
AMELIA
A what now?
ALVINA
An epiphany cake?
AMELIA
"Epiphany."
ALVINA
Yes. Today's epiphany.
AMELIA
In English please.
ALVINA
Oh come on Amelia, I told you about this already! Three kings’ day!
(SINGS)
AMELIA
Oh, yes, you did tell me about that. I forgot. And there's a cake for that?
ALVINA
Well in France there is. It's called a "Galette des Rois". It's basically puff pastry stuffed with frangipane.
AMELIA
I do like the sound of that.
ALVINA
There's a little figurine hidden inside called a "fève" -
AMELIA
A figurine? What? Why?
ALVINA
The person who finds it gets to wear a crown and is the king for the day. It's a big tradition in France.
AMELIA
Sounds like a choking hazard.
ALVINA
Oh it is. Every 6th of January paramedics work overtime, removing little figurines of the virgin Mary from people’s windpipes.
BEAT.
Hey, death by virgin Mary. That would be a good one wouldn't it? Death by Galette des Rois. I should really suggest it to Arthur for next year...
The Interviewer opens the front door and enters.
INTERVIEWER
Hello!
ALVINA
Speak of the devil.
INTERVIEWER
Devil? What?
AMELIA
Oh nothing. Alvina was just telling me about "epiphany."
INTERVIEWER
(AUTOMATICALLY STRESSED) Tiffany? Oh no- There's another Hollingworth daughter? How do we kill her? There's no time to lose! We better start planning -
ALVINA
Arthur! Breathe! Relax! Epiphany!
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
Take those earplugs out -
INTERVIEWER
What?
AMELIA
Here, I'll do it...
(AMELIA REMOVES THE PLUGS FROM THE INTERVIEWER'S EARS)
INTERVIEWER
Ah, forgot those were in there. You see the swans were making one heck of a racket in the back of the car and -
AMELIA
But you managed to get rid of them?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes. Dropped them off at Buckingham Palace. Swans are royal property after all.
AMELIA
This is such a weird country.
INTERVIEWER
Then I dropped off the lords at the Houses of Parliament -
ALVINA
The Houses of Parliament?
INTERVIEWER
The House of Lords.
ALVINA
Oh. Of course. Ha! Good thinking.
INTERVIEWER
They're having their wigs fitted, and by tomorrow they'll be busy examining bills and investigating public policy.
AMELIA
As I say, weird country.
INTERVIEWER
What's that smell? Are you baking Alvina?
AMELIA
She's making a frangipane cake.
INTERVIEWER
Oh yummy! Oh yes, that’s just the thing! When will it be ready?
ALVINA
(TUTS) It will be our reward once we we've got the office back in shape.
Interviewer
(POUTS) Oh, but I’m hungry now!
AMELIA
Alvina is right. We need to put this place back in order before we start receiving clients again. The carpets are so full of cow pats and bird poop I don't think they can be salvaged. Rip them out and lay new ones I say.
ALVINA
We'll get Joey and Salvatore to do that once they return. In the meantime, why don't you gather up all the feathers Amelia, I can deal with the broken crockery, and Arthur, can you dispose of the swans' paddling pool please?
INTERVIEWER
Yes, alright. It's going to be strange being just us again isn't it? I'd kind of got used to the noise and smell and action and -
ALVINA
Don't tell me you miss them?
INTERVIEWER
Well, yes, maybe a little? At least they kept us on our toes. Never got boring with them around. It's so quiet now.
ALVINA
Don't you worry. A new client will turn up soon enough with some impossible request or outlandish story, but for now, let's enjoy the peace and quiet!
AMELIA
I wonder how the sisters are doing...
ALVINA
I'm sure Judith, Agnes, Clarice and Penelope will do very well with their Easter Emporium. Going from Christmas baubles to Easter eggs should be an easy transition.
INTERVIEWER
And I can't wait to see what Sybil, Natalie, Rachel and Germaine do with their pumpkin carving business. We must get a pumpkin from them next Halloween!
AMELIA
I just hope Dorothy, Gemma, Lara and Pamela won't regret turning their backs on the holiday industry altogether...
ALVINA
Well, they are still in the spherical industry aren't they? I'm sure making disco balls will suit them perfectly.
AMELIA
Yes, I suppose.
ALVINA
You know, I think we can all be very proud of ourselves. We've saved those twelve women from their tyrannical dad, given them fulfilling new lives, as well as finding new homes for the livestock, lords and ladies. Now all we need to do is exchange the carpets, fix the broken furniture, sweep up the feathers and broken China, and we can go back to normal again!
(THE DOORBELL RINGS)
AMELIA
Who's that?
INTERVIEWER
Joey and Salvatore?
AMELIA
Too soon. They're going all the way to the Highlands remember?
INTERVIEWER
A client?
ALVINA
I... We're not expecting anyone today are we?
INTERVIEWER
A surprise client?
ALVINA
Hmm. Very irregular.
INTERVIEWER
I'll go look through the peep hole.
(THE INTERVIEWER GOES OVER TO THE DOOR)
AMELIA
So? Who is it?
INTERVIEWER
Well cover me in tzatziki and call me a kebab!
ALVINA
What? Oh no, is it the neighbours again? Are we in trouble?
INTERVIEWER
No... It's...
AMELIA
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
It's three kings!
ALVINA
What?!
INTERVIEWER
Bearing gifts... Looks like... gold... myrrh... and frankincense?
AMELIA
What?!
INTERVIEWER
Oh this is exciting isn't it!
ALVINA
(A LONG SIGH)
(SUFFERING) I just wanted one normal day! Just one! Just one normal day!
END.