EPISODE 13 - KLAUS - CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
INTRO
ØYSTEIN
Pip, what are you getting Alan for Christmas?
PHILIP
I ordered this Alba-Salix T-Shirt!
ØYSTEIN
No, you’re kidding
PHILIP
What?
ØYSTEIN
I was going to get him an Alba-Salix T-Shirt! I guess I can get him the Alba-Salix Tote Bag?
PHILIP
He’s already got that!
ØYSTEIN
The Alba-Salix Mug?
PHILIP
I gave that to him for his birthday…
ØYSTEIN
Alba-Salix Sports-shirt?
PHILIP
He’s got that.
ØYSTEIN
Alba-Salix Ringer-T-Shirt
PHILIP
He’s got that.
ØYSTEIN
Bazooka-Blat T-Shirt?
PHILIP
Got it.
ØYSTEIN
Bazooka-Blat Mug?
PHILIP
Got it. He’s got it all already, Alba-Salix is the best medieval medical podcast sitcom out there!
ØYSTEIN
(LAUGHING) I know, that’s why I wanted to get him something from that particular- oh. Uh, Pip?
PHILIP
Yeah?
ØYSTEIN
It seems we’re recording.
PHILIP
Oh. (PAUSE) Hi! Welcome back to the Amelia Project. If you’re wondering which last-minute-christmas-present to get for your friends (GETS INTERRUPTED)
ØYSTEIN
I suggest taking a break. Make yourself a cup of cocoa, light the fire, sit down in your favorite armchair…
PHILIP
And listen to our Christmas Special. Enjoy!
ØYSTEIN
And merry Christmas...
PROLOGUE
(BEEP)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue there’s no way back.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don’t hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP)
(HOWLING WIND)
KLAUS
(A DEEP VOICE) Ho ho ho! Have you been naughty or have you been nice? Sorry. Old habit. I hope your services extend to just south of The North Pole.
(A SHOTGUN FIRES A SHORT DISTANCE AWAY AND SOMETHING SHATTERS, A REINDEER SHRIEKS FRANTICALLY)
Shhhhh! Petteri Punakuono, rauhoitu! If I’m not out of here by Christmas… I’ll be dead. Please call me back! Oh - and Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good -
(ANOTHER GUNSHOT IN THE BACKGROUND)
Holy pretzel!
(SHRILL “BEEP”. THE AMELIA THEME STARTS, IT’S THE CHRISTMAS-VERSION WITH SLEIGH BELLS)
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Klaus - A Christmas Special.
THE INTERVIEW
(THE BEAT DISSOLVES INTO A FAINT HOWLING WIND. A KETTLE IS BOILING. WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS IS PLAYING FROM A MUSIC BOX THAT IS WOUND UP. A DOOR OPENS)
INTERVIEWER
There you are! Come on in, and close the door.
(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS ENTER)
KLAUS
Ugh. It’s freezing out there.
INTERVIEWER
I'm making some cocoa to warm us up.
KLAUS
Can Petteri come in too?
INTERVIEWER
You’ve brought a friend?
(PETTERI ENTERS, HOOVES ON THE FLOOR)
…your friend is a reindeer?
KLAUS
Yes. Petteri Punakuono.
(KLAUS CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. PETTERI BUMP INTO THINGS, SOMETHING SHATTERS)
INTERVIEWER
His nose has a weird sort of… (EXCITED INTAKE OF BREATH) Is that…?!
KLAUS
You probably know him better as Rudolph.
INTERVIEWER
Well stuff me like a turkey! You flew here on your sleigh?
KLAUS
No. I have a Volvo.
INTERVIEWER
(DISAPPOINTING) Oh.
KLAUS
Would you mind switching that off?
INTERVIEWER
The music?
KLAUS
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
It's festive!
KLAUS
(GROANS) Exactly.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. If you wish.
SWITCHES MUSIC OFF.
KLAUS
(RELIVED) Ah. That's better.
INTERVIEWER
Now, how about that cocoa?
KLAUS
Can Petteri have some too?
INTERVIEWER
Reindeer drink cocoa?
KLAUS
This one does.
INTERVIEWER
Two cups and a bowl. Would you like a gingerbread man to go with that?
KLAUS
No.
INTERVIEWER
I covered them with icing sugar and brandy frosting.
KLAUS
I don't like brandy.
INTERVIEWER
(SHOCKED) You don't?
KLAUS
No.
INTERVIEWER
Oh...
(PETTERI LAPS UP THE COCOA)
(HESITANT) He won’t, um, poop inside will he?
KLAUS
He's potty trained. Actually, he'll probably fall asleep right about-
(PAUSE, SOUND OF SOMETHING SOFT FALLING TO THE FLOOR)
-now.
INTERVIEWER
I must say, it's a real honor to meet you Mr. Claus! My youngest niece would like a FurReal Friends Blazing Dragon.
KLAUS
(GROANS) Children!
(REINDEER-SNORING IN THE BACKGROUND)
INTERVIEWER
I'm sorry?
KLAUS
(CHANGES TOPIC) Is this where you do all your interviews?
INTERVIEWER
In a caravan? Gosh no! Special measures for special clients. I put up some baubles and tinsel to make you feel at home.
KLAUS
(SIGHS) So I see.
INTERVIEWER
Can I be honest? You're not how I expected.
KLAUS
What were you expecting?
INTERVIEWER
Well, aren't you supposed to be as jolly as jelly and as happy as ham? I mean, it's almost Christmas!
KLAUS
(GLOOMILY) I know!
INTERVIEWER
(DESPERATE) You're Santa and it's almost Christmas!
KLAUS
(NOT IN THE LEAST ENTHUSIASTIC) Ho ho ho. Sorry, I hate that laugh.
INTERVIEWER
Why so glum?
KLAUS
You don't actually believe in him, do you?
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?!
KLAUS
You are aware Santa isn't real?
INTERVIEWER
You're trying to disprove your own existence?
KLAUS
You think I'm really Santa?
INTERVIEWER
Well you live at the North Pole and look like a marshmallow covered in cranberry sauce, so... yes?
KLAUS
I'm a fake.
INTERVIEWER
I don't believe you! That's one impressive beard. It's got to be-
KLAUS
Ouch!
INTERVIEWER
(AMUSED) Sorry, had to check.
KLAUS
The beard is real. Alvar made me grow it. It’s itchy and hell to wash. I go through so much shampoo.
INTERVIEWER
Alvar?
KLAUS
My husband.
INTERVIEWER
(CONFUSED) What about Mrs Klaus?
KLAUS
She's an actress.
INTERVIEWER
(UPSET) You're telling me I drove all the way out here, skidding on black ice and getting caught in snowdrifts, just to see some supermarket Santa?
KLAUS
Why didn't you just come by plane?
INTERVIEWER
You have an airport?!
KLAUS
Anyway, I'm not just some supermarket Santa. I'm the supermarket Santa.
INTERVIEWER
(DISBELIEVING) And a supermarket?! Here?
KLAUS
You don’t know what Rovaniemi is famous for?
INTERVIEWER
Forests? Aurora Borealis? Alcoholism?
KLAUS
The Rovaniemi Santa Claus Village! The world’s most famous Christmas theme park. Toboggan tours, a reindeer petting zoo, a restaurant serving only milk and cookies...
INTERVIEWER
I thought you said-
KLAUS
And at the center of it all Santa's Supermarket!
INTERVIEWER
(SUDDENLY CALM) Do you sell the board game “Operation”? I still haven't got a present for Kozlowski…
KLAUS
We sell everything from spinning tops to T-shirts saying "I'm not Santa but you can still sit on my lap."
INTERVIEWER
(RELIEVED) Perfect! It's just twenty four hours to Christmas and I don't have a single gift. I'm saved!
KLAUS
I'm screwed!
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
KLAUS
If I'm not back at the grotto before the Christmas bells chime, Alvar will blow my brains out!
INTERVIEWER
Your husband Alvar?
KLAUS
(IMPATIENT) Yes!
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
I think you better tell me your story.
KLAUS
(DESPERATE) There's no time! I need to disappear! It's almost Christmas!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly! Christmas! If there’s one time of year we need to slow down and just tell a good story…
KLAUS
Normally that's the story of Jesus.
INTERVIEWER
(SLIGHTLY AMUSED) I'd rather hear why your husband is after you with a shotgun.
KLAUS
Alvar's not a bad man-
INTERVIEWER
He sounds charming.
KLAUS (CON’T)
-but he loves money. Reindeer farming wasn't going to make us rich, so he came up with a plan: exploit the Santa myth! Build a billion dollar entertainment complex based on overpriced punch, underpaid elves, and pure pester power. I thought it was crazy. Who was going to trek all the way out here to pay fifteen euro for a key-ring that says "I heart Santa?" (GRAVELY) I was wrong. They came in droves.
INTERVIEWER
So you're rich?
KLAUS
Richer than Mrs. Klaus’ gravy...
INTERVIEWER
Well pull me like a cracker! And you're the Santa who presides over it all?
KLAUS
(UNHAPPILY) I am.
INTERVIEWER
Couldn't Alvar have got someone with a little more Christmas cheer?
KLAUS
Alvar doesn't care about Christmas cheer! He just cares about lining his pockets. He likes money coming in, not money going out. He didn't want to hire a Santa. So he got me to do it. And I fit the part! I grew my beard, got fitted for a red velvet suit and became the star of the show,
(SADLY) Ho ho ho. I can't remember how I used to laugh.
INTERVIEWER
Your life doesn't sound too bad! You're rich, it's Christmas every day, you look enviably good in red-
KLAUS
I'm sick and tired of Christmas dinner! If we could serve Vindaloo only one day of the year… But no! It's brussel sprouts and reindeer steak until you want to stab yourself with an icicle!
INTERVIEWER
(HEARTBROKEN) Reindeer steak?
KLAUS
Don't ask.
(A LOUD SNORE FROM THE REINDEER)
INTERVIEWER
But what about the children? Don't you get any satisfaction from the happy glint in their eyes?
KLAUS
(SCOFFS) Ha! I know swear words in two-hundred-and-fifty-seven languages.
INTERVIEWER
The children swear at you?
KLAUS
No, the parents!
(PAUSE)
Last night, I asked this girl what she wanted for Christmas, and she said she wanted a pet unicorn. I dispatched one of my elves to the cuddly toy section to get a unicorn, but when it arrived she explained she wanted a real unicorn. When I told her that would be difficult she started to scream. Her mother burst into the grotto and told me to give the girl whatever she wanted immediately!
INTERVIEWER
You should put that mum on the naughty list.
KLAUS
I should have. But instead I whacked her over the head with my sack.
INTERVIEWER
You what?!
KLAUS
(AS IF HE CAN’T BELIEVE IT HIMSELF) I whacked her over the head with my sack. Then I bolted.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) Impressive!
KLAUS
Stupid. Two weeks ago Alvar installed a SantaCam in the grotto. The whole incident was live streamed and trended within minutes. Hashtag “Santaloosesit”.
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) I’ll have to look that up.
(TYPING ON A PHONE SCREEN. THE SOUND OF A VIDEO PLAYING: A CHILD CRYING, UPSET MOTHER SPEAKING IN A DIFFERENT LANGUAGE, WHACKING, SHOUTING, ALL UNDERLINED BY CHEERY CHRISTMAS MUSIC)
Oh good Lord...
KLAUS
You know the saying all publicity is good publicity?
INTERVIEWER
Yes…?
KLAUS
It's bollocks. (DISAPPOINTED INTERVIEWER-NOISE) Visitors are canceling their flights. We're sitting on thousands of cookies going stale. We have a warehouse of toys to get rid of and an army of elves to pay. Our revenue is plummeting and Alvar is furious. He wants me to come back before Christmas Eve to apologise via the SantaCam.
INTERVIEWER
And if you don’t come back before the deadline?
KLAUS
It's a literal deadline. He’ll track me down and blow my head off.
INTERVIEWER
No he won't!
KLAUS
Yes he will!
INTERVIEWER
No!
KLAUS
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Well I'll be jitterbugged. The freezing temperatures here seem to make people hot headed.
KLAUS
Listening to Santa Baby on endless loop for three hundred and sixty five days a year is enough to drive anyone loopy.
INTERVIEWER
Why don't you just go back and apologize?
KLAUS
Because I'm done with this! I no longer want to be the ultimate symbol of greed! (PLEADING) I want to shave! I want to eat burritos and listen to Neurofunk. I want to get as far away from Christmas as possible!
INTERVIEWER
What did you have in mind? Do you want to perish in a sleighing accident? Get trampled on by reindeer? Be snowballed to death?
KLAUS
I want my death to mean something.
INTERVIEWER
(IN ANTICIPATION) Oooh. You want to make a statement?
KLAUS
I want to take the Santa Village down with me!
INTERVIEWER
I thought you'd already taken care of that.
KLAUS
What?
INTERVIEWER
By whacking that poor lady over the head.
KLAUS
Oh, by next Christmas the visitors will all come flocking back!
INTERVIEWER
You think?
KLAUS
Alvar is good at turning these things around. Nobody remembers the elf strike of 2017 anymore do they? No, I want to finish this place off for good. And for that we need something dramatic.
INTERVIEWER
Whatever we do it'll have to be quick! I have to be back in time for Christmas pudding...
KLAUS
(PLEADING) It's my one Christmas wish. Can you please make it come true?
INTERVIEWER
Well, if there’s anyone who can make wishes come true, it’s-
KLAUS
(HOPEFUL) Amelia?
INTERVIEWER
I was going to say Santa. But seeing as you're so hellbent on destroying Christmas-
KLAUS
Oh, no no no no no! I want to save Christmas! I want to release it from Alvar's greedy grip!
INTERVIEWER
Well… A spot of Christmas mayhem does sound fun! (SURPRISED) Oh. It seems Arctic Anger Syndrome is catching up with me too...
KLAUS
You have something in mind?
INTERVIEWER
Tic tock, throw a rock, kiss a monkey in a frock. Aha! Do you ever open letters from kids?
KLAUS
You mean wish lists?
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
KLAUS
I respond to every single one.
INTERVIEWER
Good. You'll tell Alvar you'll do whatever it takes to mitigate the damage.
KLAUS
But-
INTERVIEWER
You'll deliver a heartfelt apology to the SantaCam. Just as you finish, Joey, disguised as an elf, comes over to you with a tray full of mail. You open the first letter, which turns out to be from a disgruntled kid from the naughty list who has filled the envelope with Bastrachlostrickomydiddlytoxin.
KLAUS
What? Won’t that kill me for real?
INTERVIEWER
We'll use icing sugar.
KLAUS
(DOUBTFUL) Icing sugar.
INTERVIEWER
I only used half the pack for the gingerbread men. You're sure you won't have one?
KLAUS
You think Alvar's capitalist empire can be brought down with icing sugar?
INTERVIEWER
If you retch convincingly enough.
KLAUS
I'll think of brussel sprouts.
INTERVIEWER
Perfect! I need you coughing and spluttering, shaking the letter at the SantaCam!
KLAUS
Alvar will sound the alarm. The elves and visitors will run for their lives!
INTERVIEWER
And you'll hop onto Rudolph and charge off in a cloud of icing sugar!
(THE REINDEER SNORES)
KLAUS
(GRAVELY)I like it!
INTERVIEWER
The park will be cordoned off, and by the time everything is declared safe, the damage will be done. The park may not be contaminated, but its reputation will be!
KLAUS
And what will happen to me and Petteri?
INTERVIEWER
You'll charge over a frozen lake and break through the surface. Alvar will find your hat and your sack next to a hole in the ice.
KLAUS
Oh, poor Alvar! He'll be distraught.
INTERVIEWER
I don't think we have to worry about his feelings. He sounds like a nasty piece of- (KLAUS INTERRUPTS HIM)
KLAUS
I'd like to leave him a present.
INTERVIEWER
What?!
KLAUS
Something to remember me by.
INTERVIEWER
But you hate him!
KLAUS
He has his faults. He's greedy and he's a bit trigger happy. But I love him.
INTERVIEWER
Oh... I... Very well. He'll find a gift in your sack. A parting token.
KLAUS
An Open Country Stalker Rifle with his name engraved on it. He'll love that.
INTERVIEWER
What about you? What would you like to do in your new life?
KLAUS
I was thinking I could be a thief.
INTERVIEWER
You'd need to lose some weight and we'd have to make you a bit more nimble... Why a thief?
KLAUS
I’ve spent all my life giving things away. I think it's about time I took something back.
INTERVIEWER
I thought you were against greed?
KLAUS
I’ll steal expensive toys from rich kids. Teach them a lesson.
INTERVIEWER
And give them to the poor!
KLAUS
What? No, I was just going to steal them.
INTERVIEWER
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh.
KLAUS
Although… I guess… there is something romantic about that…?
INTERVIEWER
You’ve already been Santa. Now you can come back as-
KLAUS
Robin Hood! No tights though. I don’t do tights.
KLAUS
What about Petteri?
(THE REINDEER SNORES IN THE BACKGROUND)
INTERVIEWER
You want to take him?
KLAUS
If I don't they’ll make him into Christmas Roast!
INTERVIEWER
Hmm... I fear dragging around a red nosed reindeer might be a give away.
KLAUS
Can’t you give him plastic surgery? He could become a horse.
INTERVIEWER
Well, Kozłowski can work miracles… And I’m sure he’d find some bizarre use for the red nose… (SUDDEN SPARK ON AN IDEA) Maybe that could be his Christmas present! Oh, alright then! Bring Rudolph. After all, it’s only Christmas once a year.
KLAUS
Not in Rovaniemi. Here it's Christmas all year round.
INTERVIEWER
Not anymore! Let’s pop open the champagne!
(CORK POP. CLINKING OF GLASSES, BUT INSTEAD OF POURING, A SOGGY, THICK NOISE)
Oh bugger. It’s frozen. Never mind. Merry Christmas!
KLAUS
Do I have to?
INTERVIEWER
It’ll be your very last time. Come on! I know you want to. (WHISPERS AS IF HE PROVIDES THE WORDS) Merry Christmas!
KLAUS
(SIGHS, THEN, FORCIBLY CHEERFUL AND HAPPY) Merry Christmas!
(THEY SLURP THE CHAMPAGNE-SLUDGE. A JANGLING OF SLEIGH BELLS AND WE CUT TO THE AMELIA OFFICE)
(AT THE SAME TIME, AND TO THE THE CLINKING OF GLASSES)
ALVINA
Merry Christmas!
JOEY/SALVATORE
Buon Natale!
INTERVIEWER
Merry Christmas!
ALVINA
I almost thought you wouldn't make it back from the North Pole in time.
INTERVIEWER
Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss Christmas pudding for the world!
ALVINA
Nawww...
JOEY
No, no, not the pudding!
INTERVIEWER
It's tradition!
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN)
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Ugh, Italians just don't get Christmas, do they?
ALVINA
Before we tuck in, we should pull these crackers! They're from Luke!
INTERVIEWER
Luke! Oh, why isn't Luke with us?
ALVINA
He's very happy in Blood Manor jangling his chains like the Ghost of Christmas Past.
INTERVIEWER
What about Kozlowski? Where's Kozlowski? I have a present for Kozlowski!
ALVINA
He's spending Christmas in the basement. Wants to start operating on the reindeer right away.
INTERVIEWER
Well. We should at least bring down a plate of mince pies. Shall we pull Luke's crackers?
(ALVINA HUMS)
Everyone ready?
(CRACKLING OF PAPER AS THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA TAKE AHOLD, EACH ON ONE SIDE, OF THE CHRISTMAS CRACKER)
SALVATORE
Uno.
JOEY
Due.
SALVATORE
Tre!
(EXPLOSION. SOUND OF BATS FLAPPING AROUND THE OFFICE. ALVINA SCREAMS, JOEY AND SALVATORE FREAK OUT, THE INTERVIEWER TRIES TO CALM EVERYONE DOWN)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, it's just bats! Come on, it's just bats! (A BAT FLAPS RIGHT PAST HIM AND HE SHRIEKS)
(JOEY AND SALVATORE TRY TO SHOO THE BATS AWAY, THE INTERVIEWER OPENS THE WINDOW. BATS FLY OUT, JOEY AND SALVATORE KEEP ON CURSING)
ALVINA
Remind me never to accept a gift from Luke again.
INTERVIEWER
Out! Out! Shoo! Disgusting little creatures!
ALVINA
(SHIVERS) Close the window, it's freezing!
INTERVIEWER
Blow me like a blizzard! (DELIGHTED) Alvina! Joey! Salvatore! Look! It's snowing!
JOEY
Ey! Snow! Salvatore let's go out and have a snowball fight !
SALVATORE
(ON HIS WAY OUT) Ha! You're going to lose soooo bad!
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) You wish!
(WE HEAR THEM GO OUTSIDE AND START CHUCKING SNOWBALLS AT EACH OTHER. OCCASIONALLY WE HEAR "GOTCHA!", "TAKE THAT" "NOT EVEN CLOSE!” ETC.)
ALVINA
Shall we open some cards?
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes!
ALVINA
What's this? It's not a card it's-
INTERVIEWER
It's your present!
ALVINA
(SKEPTICAL) Oh.
INTERVIEWER:
I brought it straight from Rovaniemi.
ALVINA:
I see. (TRIES TO BE ENTHUSIASTIC) It's... (INTERVIEWER HUMS) It's...
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
(GIVING UP) What is it?
INTERVIEWER
(BARELY ABLE TO STAY SERIOUS) What do you think it is?
ALVINA
Soggy wrapping paper?
INTERVIEWER (HE BARELY HOLDS BACK HIS LAUGHTER, BUT TALKS CLIPPED TO NOT BURST OUT LAUGHING)
It's a snowball! Sorry about the wrapping. I've never been good at wrapping round presents...
ALVINA
And ones that melt. Heh.
INTERVIEWER
Do you like it?
ALVINA
It's...
INTERVIEWER
It's not just any snowball. It's a snowball from the North Pole!
ALVINA
It's a lovely idea.
INTERVIEWER
(SUDDENLY BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER) It's ludicrous!
ALVINA
(RELIEVED) Well, yes, but... You know? It’s sweet!
INTERVIEWER
Of course! A snowball! There you go, happy Christmas, it’s a snowball! Ha ha ha!
(THEY BOTH LAUGH)
ALVINA
You’re silly…
INTERVIEWER
Sometimes
ALVINA
So...?
INTERVIEWER:
So… Here's your real present.
ALVINA
Oh, thank you. What is it?
INTERVIEWER:
It's a voucher!
ALVINA
A voucher?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. For afternoon tea at Claridges.
ALVINA
(HAPPY) Wow!
INTERVIEWER
I know how overworked you've been lately, so I was thinking a nice tea for two, with scones, finger sandwiches, all the trimmings-
ALVINA
(HAPPY) It's perfect! My sister is coming next week, (SHORT SAD INTERVIEWER SOUND) I can go with her!
INTERVIEWER
(SPLUTTERING) Oh. I was- I was actually- I was thinking-
ALVINA
I love it. Thank you so much! (SHE KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK)
INTERVIEWER
(FLUSTERED) I... Oh... I... Um... I... I’m glad you like it.
(JOEY AND SALVATORE BURST BACK IN)
JOEY
I won! I won!
SALVATORE
It was a draw!
INTERVIEWER
Carols! Shall we sing some carols? (STILL GETTING HIS BREATH BACK)
ALVINA
Yes! Deck the Halls!
INTERVIEWER:
My favorite! (CLEARS HIS THROAT
(JOEY AND SALVATORE GROAN. THE INTERVIEWER AND ALVINA SING "DECK THE HALLS" AND JOEY AND SALVATORE GRUNT ALONG TO THE "FALALALALA" BITS. THEIR SINGING SLOWLY FADES INTO THE CHRISTMASSY CREDITS MUSIC.)
CREDITS.
Hope you enjoyed this christmas-special! We released the first episode of The Amelia Project last December, which means our Podcast is not officially one year old. So, next year, we enter our second year, our ‘toddler-stage’ and we plan to release season two. But in order to do so, we need your help. If you enjoy this show and want to keep it going, please consider becoming a patron. You can pledge however much you want! 1$? 2$? 5$? And you’ll only be charged, whenever we release a full episode. Think of it like buying a nice cup of cocoa whenever we release an episode. Simply go to www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast to sign up and make your pledge. You’d be making our christmas. This episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was written and directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, edited by Øystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Joshua Manning as Klaus, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Gianluca Iumiento as Joey and Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore. Massive thanks to Battle Bird Productions for letting us use their studio. And to Headly Nights for engineering.Check out BattleBird-Productions brilliant Space-Comedy ‘We fix Space Junk’. We also recommend you check out the wonderful podcast ‘Deck the Halls (with Matrimony!)’ which is bound to fill you with Christmas cheer. You can listen to both of those shows, wherever Podcasts can be found. Thanks for listening and hope to be back next year!
EPILOGUE
INTERVIEWER:
(EATS PUDDING) Well roast me like a chestnut! This is the best pud I've ever tasted!
(JOEYSUDDENLY HAS A VIOLENT CHOKING FIT)
ALVINA
Joey? Joey? What's happening?!
SALVATORE
The pudding! The pudding!
INTERVIEWER
Don't be ridiculou-
SALVATORE
He's choking on a pound coin!
(EVERYONE NOW SOUNDS A LITTLE PANICKY)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, my God! Alvina! Do something?
ALVINA
Me? How should I...?
INTERVIEWER
Slap him on the back Salvatore! Hard!
(AN ALMIGHTY SLAP AND A POUND COIN HITTING THE FLOOR)
JOEY
(FAINTLY) Why did you put a coin in it you idiots!
INTERVIEWER
It's tradition!
JOEY
Cazzo!
SALVATORE
Creteni!
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Next time we're having panettone! Or… (CONTINUES TO NAME ITALIAN SPECIALITIES, SALVATORE CHIMES IN, UNTIL THE VOICES FADE OUT)
END OF EPISODE