Episode 15 - The Rejects
INTRO
Hello Amelia Listeners, this is Alan, hello from Scotland and thank you very much for listening to the Amelia Podcast, it means so much to us. If you like listening to the Amelia Project, then please do consider supporting us on Patreon, so that we can continue to make more and more and more and more and more and more and more… (FADES OUT)
PROLOGUE
(ANSWERPHONE CLICKS ON WITH A BEEP)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
Still there? If you continue, there’s no way back-
(FAST FORWARD, WE END UP IN THE MIDDLE OF CONVERSATION)
INTERVIEWER
-small time crooks and people trying to cash in on their life insurance. So dull! I don’t waste my time with that kind of thing. I only take on cases that capture my imagination. It seems you’re bringing me a domestic squabble, and, well, they’re usually so boring.
ELIZABETH
You’ll hear me out anyway.
(FAST FORWARD, MIDDLE OF CONVERSATION)
INTERVIEWER
Huh. An involuntary disappearance. Interesting.
STEVE
Oh. I’m glad you find my ordeal “interesting.”
INTERVIEWER
Oh, you should! If I wasn’t interested I’d send you packing. That’s what this is about. Assessing if your case is of interest-
(FAST FORWARD)
MELISSA
So you’ll help me?
INTERVIEWER
That depends.
MELISSA
On what?
INTERVIEWER
Your story.
MELISSA
My story?
INTERVIEWER
At Amelia we collect stories.
MELISSA
And in return you’ll help me?
INTERVIEWER
If I like your story, yes.
MELISSA
(SCOFFS) Now I’m nervous!
INTERVIEWER
Have some more cocoa! It’ll help you rela-
(STOP, WE’RE WOTH COLE AND HAINES)
HAINES
Hmm.
COLE
What are you thinking?
HAINES
He's helped everyone we've listened to.
COLE
You think he's bluffing? They're not as picky as he pretends?
HAINES
Or we haven't heard the tapes of the rejects yet.
COLE
Hm. How many tapes before we make a move?
HAINES
Yeah, we need to establish the full picture. We don’t want any surprises when we go in.
COLE
How, uh… How are you sleeping?
HAINES
Sorry?
COLE
Since we started this Amelia business. Have you been sleeping?
HAINES
Yeah. Not much. I lie awake thinking what the next tape will bring. You?
COLE
(SCOFFS) I have nightmares.
HAINES
What kind of nightmares?
COLE
Last week I had a dream about Kozlowski switching our brains around.
HAINES
Ha! You wish.
COLE
Yesterday I had one about being fired out of a canon and landing in Hell!
HAINES
Yeah, speaking of hell, should we have another coffee?
COLE
(CHUCKLES) When are they going to get the machine fixed? We've been drinking instant for a week!
HAINES
Was that a yes?
COLE
(WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM) I could do with the caffeine.
HAINES
I'll go make some. Then let's get back to the tapes.
(HAINES MOVES INTO A CORNER OF THE ROOM AND FLICKS ON A KETTLE. HE SCRAPES NESCAFE OUT OF A JAR INTO TWO CUPS. COLE RUMMAGES THROUGH THE TAPES)
COLE
We've barely scratched the surface.
(MORE RUMMAGING)
Huh!
(SHORT SILENCE)
HAINES (FROM FURTHER AWAY)
What?
COLE
There's a tape here marked "NOT AMELIA MATERIAL." All in capital letters.
HAINES
Aha!
COLE
You think it's a tape of the rejects?
HAINES
Only one way to find out!
(HAINES WALKS BACK ACROSS THE ROOM. SOUND OF COLE INSERTING TAPE)
Here's your coffee Cole.
(THE BEEP BEEP BEEP STARTS)
COLE
(QUIETLY) Thanks.
HAINES
Careful it's hot.
COLE
Play?
HAINES
Play.
(THEY SIP THEIR COFFEES)
Cole
(SIGHS) Still shite.
HAINES
Still shite.
(THE AMELIA THEME KICKS IN)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 15 - The Rejects.
THE INTERVIEW(S)
INTERVIEWER
Who's next?
ALVINA
(LONG-SUFFERING) If you'd looked at the case file, you wouldn't have to ask-
INTERVIEWER
I like to be surprised-
ALVINA
(EXCITED) It's Etienne Duclos!
INTERVIEWER
Who?
ALVINA
Etienne Duclos! You know! The Mime!
INTERVIEWER
What was his message?
ALVINA
He didn't leave one.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) He didn't leave a message?
ALVINA
Well. Considering he's a Mime, it would have been rather difficult for him.
INTERVIEWER
(SMACKS HIS LIPS) Why does he want to disappear?
ALVINA
You'll have to ask him.
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Come in!
(ETIENNE ENTERS. HE'S WEARING TAP SHOES WHICH MAKE CLICKING SOUNDS AS HE MOVES)
Ah! Bonjour Monsieur Duclos! Comment ca va?
(ETIENNE PERFORMS AN ELABORATE LITTLE TAP DANCE IN RESPONSE)
ALVINA
Welcome to Amelia Mr Duclos. Big fan of your work.
(ANOTHER LITTLE DANCE)
INTERVIEWER
(AMUSED) Watch out Alvina! He's removing the flower from his lapel! That means he's going to squirt you!
ALVINA
He's a mime artist, not a kid's clown. Oh look, how sweet, he's giving me the Rose!
(SOUND OF ETIENNE GETTING DOWN ON HIS KNEES IN FRONT OF ALVINA)
INTERVIEWER
(VERY SURE) Don't take it! I'm warning you Alvina!
ALVINA
Thank you! How nice. (SNIFFS) Mmmm. It smells lovely.
(HE TAPS)
No, thank you!
(HE TAPS)
(LAUGHING) No, thank YOU!
INTERVIEWER
Okay, now stop clutching your heart and blowing kisses and let's get down to business, shall we. Why do you want to disappear?
ALVINA
(UNDER HER BREATH) You haven't offered him cocoa yet.
INTERVIEWER
(GRUDGINGLY) Est ce que vous aimez du chocolat chaud?
(ANIMATED TAP DANCING. SOUND OF SIPPING AND SIGHING)
ALVINA
(DELIGHTED) Ha! Brilliant! Brilliant! It looks exactly like he's drinking from a real cup! It's so precise!
INTERVIEWER
(FLATLY) A simple nod would have sufficed.
(ETIENNE LOSES BALANCE. SOUND OF HIM SKIDDING ACROSS THE FLOOR)
ALVINA
Woa, watch it!
INTERVIEWER
You're going to get cocoa all over my-
(SOUND OF FALLING)
ALVINA
(STARTS LAUGHING AND CLAPPING) So good! So good! It was like I could see the cup shattering!
INTERVIEWER
(HUFFS)
ALVINA
Come on, you must admit that was amazing.
INTERVIEWER
I thought it was rather foolish. Go get some cocoa.
ALVINA
But I don't want to miss-
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa!
ALVINA
We need an assistant!
(ALVINA LEAVES. THE INSTANT THE DOOR CLOSES)
INTERVIEWER
(DEAD SERIOUS) Stop hitting on Alvina. It's pathetic.
(ETIENNE GETS UP, HEAVY BREATHING)
Yes, that's right! Pathetic! There, I said it! Mimes are pathetic.
(SLOW CLICK CLICK CLICK OF ETIENNE WALKING ACROSS THE ROOM TOWARDS THE INTERVIEWER, STILL BREATHING HEAVILY)
I'm not scared of you, you white faced joker!
(CLICK, CLICK, CLICK, MORE HEAVY BREATHING)
You tongue-tied jester!
(CLICK, CLICK)
You cliched fool! You- you(CONFUSED) What are you doing?
(CLICK, CLICK)
(SCARED) Don't come any closer!
(CLICK, CLICK)
You stop right there!
(CLICK, CLICK)
Alvina!
CLICK, CLICK.
Ha!!!
(ETIENNE STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS)
You weren't expecting that, were you! I took lessons at Ecole Jacques Lecoq back in the day! I can mime a glass wall like the best of 'em!
(ETIENNE TAKES A STEP BACK)
That's right! You can't penetrate this glass wall!
(ETIENNE TAKES ANOTHER STEP BACK)
Oy! What are you doing? Not very precise that one. Can't tell if it's supposed to be a stick or a tennis racket or a- A BASEBALL BAT! IT'S A BASEBALL BAT! STOP RUNNING AT MY-
(WE HEAR ETIENNE CHARGING ACROSS THE ROOM, THEN A CRASH AS ETIENNE AND THE INTERVIEWER COLLIDE AND FALL TO THE FLOOR)
(UPSET) You smashed my wall you brutal buffoon! Hey, careful with- you'll cut yoursel- Put down those shards, put them- AHHHHHHHHH! (SCREAMS)
(THE DOOR OPENS AND ALVINA COMES IN)
ALVINA
Cocoa! Where... where are you?
INTERVIEWER
Here! Behind the desk!
(ALVINA WALKS ACROSS THE OFFICE, BOTH THE INTERVIEWER AND ETIENNE GET UP)
ALVINA
What are you doing on the floor?
INTERVIEWER
He shattered my glass wall with a baseball bat and then he started slashing me with the shards!
ALVINA
What are you talking about?!
(ETIENNE PICKS HIMSELF UP AND STARTS TAPPING AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
He's evil! That's one evil Mime!
ALVINA
Oh look! He's doing another dance and offering me a box of…
INTERVIEWER
Don’t trust him!
ALVINA
What's that supposed to be…
INTERVIEWER
It’s a trick!
ALVINA
Oh, chocolates!
INTERVIEWER
It’s not!
ALVINA
So sweet!
INTERVIEWER
(TREMBLING WITH FEAR AND ANGER) Alvina! I want that creepy frog out of my office right now!
ALVINA
Gosh. I've never seen you this irate!
INTERVIEWER
(SCREAMS) Now!
ALVINA
Alright alright!
(ALVINA STARTS ESCORTING ETIENNE OUT OF THE DOOR. HER VOICE AND HIS CLICKING STEPS FADE INTO THE DISTANCE)
ALVINA
(WITH A TONE OF VOICE THAT TELLS US SHE HAD THIS CONVERSATION A MILLION TIMES ALREADY)
So sorry about that Monsieur Duclos, you'll have to try one of the other agencies. On the bright side, this is when I usually have to threaten rejects into secrecy, but I think with you, we can rely on your silence right?
(SHORT STATIC)
INTERVIEWER
Welcome to Amelia!
ALI
Thanks.
INTERVIEWER
Alison?
ALI
Ali
INTERVIEWER
Ah!
(PAUSE)
And that's...?
TOM
(SNORES)
ALI
(SIGHS) That's Tom.
INTERVIEWER
He's your...?
ALI
Husband, yes.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
(PAUSE AS TOM SNORES AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
Is he just going to sleep through this?
ALI
I hope so!
INTERVIEWER
Why?
ALI
Because I put eight sleeping tablets in his tea.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
You drugged him?
ALI
He mustn't know we're here.
INTERVIEWER
Good lord... Why ever not?
Ali
I want you to make him disappear. Can you do that?
TOM
(SNORES)
INTERVIEWER
Without his consent?!
ALI
Is that a problem?
INTERVIEWER
We only take on voluntary disappearances!
ALI
Why?
INTERVIEWER
Because... ethics!
ALI
No one will miss him.
INTERVIEWER
Oh for god’s sake…
ALI
He doesn't really have any friends.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t have time for this…
ALI
Nobody likes him.
INTERVIEWER
Still…
ALI (CON’T)
I was hoping you could make it look like he got flattened by a bus or something…
INTERVIEWER
Can’t do that, sorry, no…
ALI (CON’T)
and set him up with a new life in Panama. He really likes canals…?
INTERVIEWER
(MUTTERS SOMETHING UNDER HIS BREATH) Look, get out! Out out out out out out out!
ALI
Alright, alright!
(SCURRIES OUT AND SHUTS DOOR BEHIND HER)
INTERVIEWER
Unbelievable!
(PICKS UP THE PHONE, SOUND OF ROTATE-DIAL)
Alvina? I just had a lady in here who wanted me to make her husband disappear without his knowledge! ... I know! ... Well I told her it was against our ethics! Now, about the motorway pileup this afternoon: we've reinforced the Cadillac's bumper with a steel bar, so it should smash right through that Twingo! I can't wait! I just need to make some final calculations to determine the speed for maximum impact... I'm going to need some cocoa for that, can't do maths without cocoa! Bring me some with extra cream (EXAGGERATED, INNOCENT) please?
TOM
(SNORES)
INTERVIEWER
Oh and Alvina? You're going to have to remove the sleeping man from my office.
(SHORT STATIC, SCENE CHANGE)
INTERVIEWER
Come in!
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
Ah, Alex! Take a sea-
ALEX
(URGENT WHISPER) Is it safe here?
INTERVIEWER
In here, you're safer than a Swiss franc in a Zurich Bank Vault. Please, take a sea-
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
ALEX
(SQUEAKS) Oh! Shit!
(ALEX FLEES ACROSS THE ROOM AND SHUTS HIMSELF INTO A WARDROBE)
INTERVIEWER
Come in!
(DOOR OPENS)
ALVINA
(ANNOYED) Two cocoas.
INTERVIEWER
Lovely jubbly!
ALVINA
Where is he?
INTERVIEWER
Who?
ALVINA
The client?
INTERVIEWER
Alex? Oh. He's in the wardrobe.
(PAUSE)
ALVINA
He's in the wardrobe.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ALVINA
…why?
INTERVIEWER
I think he's scared.
ALVINA
Of me?
INTERVIEWER
I think so.
ALVINA
Hm. I better go then.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Toodle-oo!
ALVINA
(ON HER WAY OUT) And next time, (LOUDER) make your own cocoa!
(DOOR CLOSES)
INTERVIEWER
(NERVOUS COUGHING) Ahem. Your cocoa!
ALEX
(MUFFLED) What did you say?
INTERVIEWER
(LOUDER) Your cocoa!
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Speak up, I can hardly hear you in here.
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTS) Can't you just come out?
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Nobody is allowed to know that I'm here!
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTS) So you're staying in there?
ALEX
(MUFFLED) I think it's safer this way.
INTERVIEWER
Very well. Two cocoas for me. (SIPS AND "AHHHHHHH"s)
ALEX
What did you say?
INTERVIEWER
I just said (SAME LEVEL AS BEFORE) "Aaaaaah!"
ALEX
Huh?
INTERVIEWER
I just said (EXAGGERATED AND AS LOUD AS POSSIBLE WITHOUT MAKING IT A SCREAM) "Aaaaaah!"
ALEX
What?
INTERVIEWER
(VERY LOUD) I just said- (ANNOYED) Never mind. (SHOUTS) What brings you here Alex?
ALEX
(MUFFLED) I can't tell you.
INTERVIEWER
(LOUDLY) Then how can I help you?
ALEX
(MUFFLED) You'll judge me!
INTERVIEWER
(LOUDLY) Alex. You'd be surprised at the stories I've heard in this room…
ALEX
(MUFFLED, CAREFUL) You won't judge me?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALEX
What?
INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTS) No.
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Okay, (DEEP BREATH) here goes
INTERVIEWER
Wait! I need to get comfortable for this!
(SITS IN A CHAIR)
What am I sitting on… hmm…
(SOUND OF A COIN FALLING ON THE TABLE, THEN SIPPING AND SIGHING, HE RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER)
Okay. Shoot!
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Okay, so. Uh… here goes: I… I… (FAST) put my wife through a wood chipper.
INTERVIEWER
You what?
ALEX
(MUFFLED SHOUT, EMPHASIS ON EVERY WORD) I put my wife through a wood chipper.
INTERVIEWER
No no, I heard you, it's just- um... I… uhm…
ALEX
It was a silly thing to do…?
INTERVIEWER
I suppose I should ask you… why you put your wife through a wood chipper?
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Because she was a witness.
INTERVIEWER
A witness?
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Yes. She saw me dispose of Katy.
INTERVIEWER
(WEAKLY) Oh good lord…
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Katy was threatening to tell my wife about the affair, (FRIGHTENED INTERVIEWER SOUND) so I had no choice but to dispose of her. (MORE FRIGHTENED INTERVIEWER) But then my wife walks in, just as I'm shoving Katy into the fireplace. So I put my wife through the wood chipper, (HESITANT AND SCARED HUM OF ACKNOWLEDGEMENT OF THE INTERVIEWER) but then the bell goes and there's this dude from next door asking what all the screaming’s about. I tell him my wife stepped on a thumb tack. He asks about the blood on my jeans and I… I can't really think of an explanation for that, so I have to get rid of him too. (INTERVIEWER GETS INCREASINGLY MORE FRIGHTENED) I thought a quick plunge of the kitchen knife would do it, but he's tough, rather than bleeding to death quietly on the floor, he jumps out the window, drags himself down the street and screams bloody murder! So now everyone knows! And before you suggest disposing of the entire neighborhood-
INTERVIEWER
(TERRIFIED) I-
ALEX (CON’T)
I've already thought of that, but something on that scale requires planning and I don't have the time! They're after me! I'm screwed! And all because my wife walks in on me cremating Katy... Such bad luck!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, yes, ah...
ALEX
You know what?
INTERVIEWER
Hmhm?
ALEX
I might have some of that cocoa after all. This has got me all stressed out.
INTERVIEWER
(SPLUTTERING) No! Alex! Stay in there! I think... I think I- I- I think I can hear someone!
(SOUND OF ROTARY DIAL, HE LOCKS THE WARDROBE DOOR)
ALEX
Oh shit! Hey, hey, what are you doing?
(ALEX POUNDS AGAINST THE WARDROBE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
(FRANTIC, HIGH-PITCHED) Alvina! Help! Help, Alvina? There's a psychopath in my wardrobe!
ALEX
Oy! Oy! Did you just… Happen to lock that door?
INTERVIEWER
Um... Safer that way! Safer that way. Don't want to take any... I can hear footsteps!
ALEX
Okay, just tell me when the coast is clear, yeah?
INTERVIEWER
Will do!
ALEX
(MUFFLED) It's just it's pretty hot and stuffy in here.
(DOOR BURSTS OPEN. THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION IS WHISPERED)
Alvina! He's like the love child of Norman Bates and Lady Macbeth!
ALVINA
Not boring then.
INTERVIEWER
You got us into this Alvina, now get us out!
ALVINA
(DISBELIEVING LAUGH) I got us into this?
ALEX
Can I come out yet?
INTERVIEWER
(HIGH-PITCHED, SCARED) Yes! You're supposed to research clients so we don't, I don't know, invite someone in here who might chop us into pieces and bake us into a pie!
ALEX
(NERVOUS LAUGHTER)I'm having difficulty breathing.
ALVINA
I'm supposed to do their background checks,
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA (CON’T)
-welcome the clients to the office,
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA (CON’T)
-draw up their contracts,
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA (CON’T)
-bribe them into secrecy and make your bloody cocoa?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
ALVINA
It's too much!
ALEX
(MUFFLED) Oh fuck.
(SOUND OF ALEX COLLAPSING IN THE WARDROBE)
INTERVIEWER
What was that?
ALVINA
I think he just fainted. We better open that door.
INTERVIEWER
(URGENTLY) No! No Alvina! He's a killer! He kills people! (SPLUTTERS) Don't open that-
(ALVINA OPENS THE WARDROBE AND ALEX FALLS OUT)
Is he...?
ALVINA
(NOT EVEN SURPRISED) I think you just killed him.
INTERVIEWER
(SLOWLY) Oh. Hm. Well.
(PAUSE)
Righty-ho.
(COMPLETELY FINE AGAIN) That's that sorted then.
ALVINA
Good timing actually. Kozlowski needs a replacement corpse for the Langsbury disappearance and Walter at the morgue can't get one till tomorrow.
INTERVIEWER
Good! Shall we bring him straight to the basement then?
ALVINA
You’ll take the head and I'll take the feet.
(THEY STRUGGLE WITH THE HEAVY CORPSE AND DRAG IT ACROSS THE OFFICE AND THROUGH THE DOOR)
Careful!
(SOMETHING FALLS AND CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR, ALVINA GROANS)
Ugh, we so need an assistant!
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY) But we’ve got you…?
(FRUSTRATED ALVINA-CRY)
CLICK.
HAINES
I thought they had assistants?
COLE
Hm.
HAINES
Whatever happened to Joey and Salvatore?
COLE
They quit? They got fired?
HAINES
Is there a date on the tape?
(TAPE EJECTED AND TAKEN OUT)
COLE
October 2012.
HAINES
Before the other tapes we've been listening to then.
COLE
So before Joey and Salvatore joined?
HAINES
Presumably.
COLE
Hm. How far back do you think these tapes go? I mean, how many years are we talking?
HAINES
Difficult to say. They're all jumbled up.
(COLE RUMMAGES THROUGH THE TAPES)
COLE
2015, 2019, 2001, oh! (SURPRISED) 1986.
HAINES
We'll need to establish a timeline.
COLE
You think we should pay them a visit? Pretend to be clients?
(PAUSE)
HAINES
No. We can get all the information we need from these tapes. When we turn up at Amelia, it'll be with a SWAT team, not with and fake moustaches and wigs.
COLE
I just think it would be useful to actually-
HAINES
You just want to taste that cocoa.
(THEY CHUCKLE)
COLE
Look. That tape's November 2012. That leads right on from where we left. Shall we?
HAINES
First thing tomorrow morning. It's past midnight. We should get some sleep.
COLE
Ha. “Sleep”
HAINES
Too much coffee?
COLE
No. It's just I know what I'll be dreaming about. Mad mimes and murderers.
(FABRIC RUSTLING AS THEY PUT ON COATS)
HAINES
And who knows what it'll be tomorrow! This could go anywhere.
COLE
See you tomorrow then.
HAINES
See you tomorrow.
(COLE MOVES OUT OF THE DOOR, THEME MUSIC SLOWLY STARTS UP)
HAINES
(CALLS AFTER HIM) Oh and Cole?
COLE
Yeah?
HAINES
Happy nightmares.
CREDITS
PHILIP
Want to listen to the Follow-up to this episode and find out what the Interviewer and Alvina drag Alex out of the office? Well, by supporting us on Patreon you can do just that. Simply go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast( … )to make your pledge. A cocoa-slurping Thank You to Kathi Sindelar. Your contribution really makes a difference. And thank you to all our wonderful patrons. And now: To Julia, for the Credits.
JULIA
This Episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Joseph Grimaldi as Etienne Duclos, Beth Crane as Ali, James Oliva as Alex, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as Agent Cole and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. Foly work by Torgny G. Aanderaa. The Episode was produced by Imploding Fictions, it was recorded by Battle Bird Productions London, and Nitro Studios Oslo, with Studio Engineering by Hedley Knights. All graphic design for the Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen. Follow us on Twitter, where we’re @amelia_podcast. Tell us how you’d like to disappear. Share your favorite Cocoa Recipe with us! Or simply say Hi. See you soon!
EPILOGUE
PHILIP
Hello! And it’s lovely to be back! Øystein, do you want to tell the listeners where we are right now?
ØYSTEIN
Absolutely! I mean, we recorded season 2 all over the place, there’s been recordings down in Vienna, in Oslo, right now we’re in London recording a couple of episodes, and right now we’re here together with the lovely Beth Crane!
BETH
Hello!
ØYSTEIN
Hey!
PHILIP
And you might recognize Beth’s voice from this very episode, where she played Ali! Yes, so we’ve recorded a good chunk of this season with Battle Bird Productions. Battle Bird Productions is Beth Crane and Hedley Knights, and they also produce the brilliant Audio Drama “We fix Space Junk” which is an absolutely fantastic show. Beth, you want to talk a bit about “We fix Space Junk”?
BETH
Yes, thank you! “We fix Space Junk” is the story of two female repairmen barreling around the galaxy fixing things and generally trying not to get killed in the process.
PHILIP
(LAUGHS) And it’s a lot of fun. I listened to the first episode and I immediately texted Oystein saying “You have to listen to this show”. So yeah, everybody go and download “We fix Space Junk” and we see you back in two weeks. Bye!
ØYSTEIN
Bye!
BETH
Bye!
(VARIOUS QUIET LAUGHTER)
PHILIP
I- I- I hate being on mic. And yet we keep writing ourselves into our own show.
ØYSTEIN
I know, I don’t know why we do that
PHILIP
It’s like a- it’s just a-
BETH
I actually like being on mic. I’m-
PHILIP
Oh yeah, you’re in your show all the time!
BETH
Yeah, I play Kilner.
PHILIP
(...) Yes, but you write your own stuff.
BETH
It’s my own script…
ØYSTEIN
I think you’re an audio-masochist, Pip.
PHILIP
Yes, that’s right… Okay-
ØYSTEIN
Cool! Let’s do one more
PHILIP
One more time? Okay!
(VARIOUS SOUNDS OF APPROVAL)
BETH
Ah, my own show, I’m like “What do they do?” uuuuuuh
(LAUGHTER)
END OF EPISODE