EPISODE 16 - THE ITALIANS
PROLOGUE
(THE BEEPING SETS IN, ANSWERPHONE BEEPS ON)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed.
(PAUSE)
Still there? If you continue there’s no way back. The choice is yours.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP)
ALVINA
(UPSET) I’m just calling to say I didn’t get your Maltesers after all. The Beetle broke down, again, this time on the A1! I was terrified someone was going to pull over and help me, or worse, call the AA. It’s taken me three hours to fix the engine, and now the replacement corpse in the trunk has started to smell, so I have to go all the way back to Walter to get another one. I won’t get any of my office work done today… We really, (GETTING LOUDER) really really need an assistant!
(BEEP)
(THE AMELIA THEME STARTS)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 16 - The Italians.
INTERVIEW
(THE MI5 OFFICE. COLE COMES IN, DOOR FALLS SHUT)
HAINES
Morning Cole. How did you sleep?
COLE (IGNORING HIM)
(EXCITED) Look what I brought!
HAINES
(HESITANT) More instant coffee?
COLE
Ahh! But this is Waitrose Instant Wholebean Barista Blend.
HAINES
(UNCONVINCED) I’ll put on the kettle.
(HAINES MOVES OVER TO THE KETTLE AND FLICKS IT ON, COLE OPENS THE LID ON THE COFFEE JAR AND TEARS THE FOIL. HAINES SOUNDS FAR AWAY IN THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION)
Uh, we’re out of milk, you’ll take it black?
COLE
I’ll just call Nancy to bring some.
HAINES
Nancy’s on leave.
COLE
You’re joking!
HAINES
No.
COLE
Who’s replacing her?
HAINES
Nobody. Cutbacks.
COLE
(UPSET) Wha- They don’t fix the coffee machine and now they don’t even bother to replace Nancy? This place is going to the dogs!
HAINES
So you’ll take it black?
COLE
(WITH AN UPSET HUFF OF AIR) I suppose.
HAINES
Okay, let’s try… What did you call it?
COLE
Waitrose Instant Wholebean Barista Blend.
HAINES
This one's for you.
COLE
Thanks.
(THEY SIP. PAUSE)
What do you think?
(PAUSE)
HAINES
Just tastes like instant coffee doesn’t it?
COLE
You mean like shite
HAINES
I’m sure they’ll fix the machine soon.
COLE
Ha! I wouldn’t hold my breath!
HAINES
Anyway, we’ve got something to take our minds off it. Who do you think’s next?
COLE
We’ve had cult leaders, AIs, time travellers… I reckon next up it’ll be the Loch Ness monster!
(LAUGHTER)
HAINES
Well whoever it is, I bet you a million quid it’ll be interesting. You’ll forget the Sainsbury’s Instant Barista Blend in a second.
COLE
Waitrose.
HAINES
Huh?
COLE
Not Sainsbury’s, Waitrose. This one’s pound more.
HAINES
Whatever. Shall we?
COLE
(DEEP BREATH) Let’s.
(CLICK)
THE INTERVIEW
INTERVIEWER
So, why do you need to disappear?
(SALVATORE HAS A POSH ACCENT AND A DEEP VOICE, WHILE JOEY SPEAKS EXAGGERATED HIGH-PITCHED)
SALVATORE
We just, uhm, want to.
INTERVIEWER
You just want to?
(THE INTERVIEWER CLEARS HIS THROAT TO PASS THE UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
(HOPEFUL) And what about you madam? Anything to add?
JOEY
(QUICK) No.
(SILENCE)
INTERVIEWER
No.
(ANOTHER SILENCE)
INTERVIEWER
Nice shoes.
(THE INTERVIEWER SNORES. A THUD AS HE HITS HIS HEAD ON THE DESK. HE WAKES UP ABRUPTLY)
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Sorry, sorry! Just- Just- Just couldn’t keep my eyes open! You see, we don’t accept cases that aren’t interesting.
SALVATORE
(STRUGGLING TO KEEP THE ACCENT UP) And ours isn’t?
INTERVIEWER
No. Sorry about that.
JOEY
Not a problem!
INTERVIEWER
So if you would please… leave?
SALVATORE
No! We need to disappear.
INTERVIEWER
Security! Security!
(NOTHING HAPPENS. HE SHOUTS)
Alvina?!
(ALVINA’S FOOTSTEPS APPROACH, THE DOOR OPENS)
ALVINA (TRYING NOT TO SOUND ANNOYED, FAILING)
Yes?
INTERVIEWER
(SWEETLY) Ah, Alvina! Would you be so kind as to escort this lovely couple out of here? They’re sooooo boring!!!
ALVINA
I was actually busy.
INTERVIEWER
You were?
ALVINA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Doing something?
ALVINA
Yes!
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Do you mind though?
ALVINA
(SIGHS) Why can’t you do it?
INTERVIEWER
I’m busy too!
ALVINA
Doing what?
INTERVIEWER
Interviewing.
(ALVINA SCOFFS)
ALVINA
Gentlemen?
JOEY
I’m a lady!
ALVINA
Oh I… um, okay sir and madam, (SHE CLAPS HER HANDS) time to scadaddle, chop chop.
SALVATORE
But - me and my wife, we just want to, you know-
ALVINA
You don’t want me to get out the pepper spray do you?
(JOEY GIVES AN EVEN HIGHER PITCHED SHRIEK)
INTERVIEWER
Yes! Go on Alvina! (Rubs his hands together) Wait! I need a pack of Maltesers for this!
SALVATORE
No, no! We’re going!
INTERVIEWER )
(DISAPPOINTED Oh.
(ON THEIR WAY OUT)
JOEY
Cazzo!
SALVATORE
Shush!
INTERVIEWER
You could still run after them and spray them from behind.
(STOP)
COLE
You owe me a million quid.
HAINES
What?
COLE
You said “I bet you a million quid it’ll be interesting.” That was dull.
HAINES
Even Amelia has slow days I guess.
COLE
You think it’ll all be downhill from here? Maybe all the interesting tapes were at the top.
HAINES
Yeah. Perhaps we just had a lucky streak.
COLE (SIPS SOME MORE COFFEE AND AUDIBLY SWALLOWS)
I actually think this coffee is worse than the office brand.
HAINES
You should have spent that extra quid on milk.
COLE
Shall I get some? It’s undrinkable without it.
HAINES
While you’re at it, could you make a copy of this? I’ve started putting together a timeline of all the tapes we’ve been through.
COLE
What- copy- (BAFFLED) You want me to use the photocopier?
HAINES
Yeah, I told you, Nancy’s away.
COLE
Have you ever used that photocopier?
HAINES
What d’you mean?
COLE
It’s a smart-copier with more features than a spaceship.
HAINES
At least one area they’re not cutting back on.
COLE
I tried copying a case file, it got hole punched through the middle and stapled together on all four sides.
HAINES
How did you manage that?
COLE
I tried copying a top secret memo, it got sent to every single printer in the building.
HAINES
(CHUCKLES) Oh shit! What did you do?
COLE
Ran around Thames House like Usain Bolt tearing the document from every single printer. Did eight floors in ten minutes. Lost two pounds that day.
HAINES
Oh! Jenny must have been happy.
COLE
Hey! (GRAVELY) That copier has it in for me!
HAINES
Well Nancy’s gone for the month, so you better make your peace with it. It’s just one page. You’ll be fine.
(COLE GRUMBLES AND STARTS TO LEAVE)
HAINES
I’ll keep listening.
COLE (VOICE GETTING FAINTER AS HE LEAVES)
Well if it gets interesting, then stop and wait for me.
HAINES
Alright Cole…
(SILENCE, THEN CLICK)
(KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
INTERVIEWER
Come in-
(SALVATORE AND JOEY BURST IN, THEY NOW BOTH SPEAK IN HEAVY TEXAN ACCENTS)
JOEY
Help!
SALVATORE
Help! Help!
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) Well throw me like a lasso! Cowboys!
JOEY
They’re after us!
SALVATORE
They sure are!
INTERVIEWER
Who’s after you?
JOEY
Aliens!
INTERVIEWER
(OVERJOYED) Aliens??!!
SALVATORE
Yes sir!
JOEY
They’re gonna kill us!
(SALVATORE MAKES MACHINE GUN SOUNDS)
INTERVIEWER
(ECSTATIC, VOICE SO HIGH-PITCHED IT COULD ALMOST SHATTER GLASS) That’s wonderful! How exciting! (GIGGLING) Oh my goodness! Please! Tell me more!
JOEY
As you can see from our uniforms, we’re US military.
INTERVIEWER
(CONFUSED) Oh? I thought you were cowboys.
SALVATORE
I am general Ang - Antonio… Band… ana. Antonio Bandana. And this is my second in command, major -
JOEY
Elon Musk!
SALVATORE
Idiota!
JOEY
Cazzo!
SALVATORE
Eh… Yeah. He’s got the same name as the millionaire… Freaky coincidence. Anyway, we were conducting secret experiments at a UFO crash site, when suddenly the mothership appears and beams us up!
INTERVIEWER
(STARTING TO GET SCEPTICAL) You were abducted?
SALVATORE
Yes, Sir.
JOEY
Yes, Sir!
SALVATORE
Abducted and experimented on.
JOEY
But we managed to escape.
SALVATORE
And we took some of their alien technology with us.
JOEY
They didn’t like that.
SALVATORE
Oh no, Sir!
JOEY
So they came after us!
SALVATORE
We’ve been on the run from these three-armed monsters ever since!
JOEY
Will you help us disappear?
INTERVIEWER (GROANS AND REALIZES)
Oh, no no no no no. It’s you again isn’t it? You came here yesterday! Posing as a couple!
JOEY
Cazzo!
SALVATORE
È colpa tua! (It’s your fault!)
(HE HITS JOEY)
JOEY
Ouch! Non è! Ci hai dato via! (It’s not! You gave us away!)
(JOEY HITS SALVATORE)
SALVATORE
Ouch!
INTERVIEWER
Out, out out out out out out out out!
JOEY
Sorry, but you said if we bring you an interesting story-
INTERVIEWER
Yes, but I don’t want a lie!
SALVATORE
Please, mister! We really do need your help!
INTERVIEWER
I don’t help people who lie. (SHOUTS) Alvina!
JOEY
We’re in a desperate situation, please-
INTERVIEWER
Don’t care! Too late!
(THE INTERVIEWER PUTS HIS FINGERS IN HIS EARS AND STARTS SINGING LOUDLY, WE HEAR HIM IN THE BACKGROUND GETTING SLIGHTLY OUT OF BREATH, ALSO WHEN ALVINA ENTERS)
ALVINA
What’s going on? Ah. He’s got his fingers in his ears. I’m sorry gentlemen, but that means he’s made up his mind. If you would follow me…
SALVATORE
Fine, fine, we’ll leave!
(ON WAY OUT) Cosa proveremo dopo? (What will we try next?)
JOEY
Toreri! (Bullfighters!)
SALVATORE
Vedremo cosa hanno nel negozio di costumi. (We’ll see what they have at the fancy dress store)
(CLICK)
(COLE ENTERS, OUT OF BREATH, PANTING, COUGHING)
HAINES
What happened to you?
COLE
My tie (PANTS) My tie got caught (PANTS) In the photocopier (pants). I was choking. I nearly died. In the end I had to shoot it.
HAINES
(CONCERNED) You shot the photocopier?
COLE
I shot my tie. I couldn’t reach the scissors.
HAINES
So you got the copies?
COLE
Wha- (STILL PANTING) Did you listen to me? I almost died!
HAINES
So that’s a no.
COLE (EXASPERATED SIGH)
That’s the last time I go anywhere near that photocopier.
(HAINES SIGHS AND GETS UP)
COLE
Where are you going?
HAINES
Going to speak to management. If they don’t give us an assistant we won’t make it through the day, let alone the month. You keep listening to the tape.
COLE
Will do.
HAINES
(ON HIS WAY OUT) Don’t forget to make notes. And whatever you do, don’t shoot the tape recorder. (SLAMS DOOR)
COLE (STILL REGAINING HIS BREATH)
All going to the dogs.
(CLICK)
ALVINA
(PROUDLY)There! On your desk, all installed and ready to go!
INTERVIEWER
I don’t like it.
ALVINA
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
What was wrong with the old method?
ALVINA
Oh - You mean shouting my name through the door? For one I felt like your maid - which I am not - and secondly, this makes us look way more professional. Let’s try it!
INTERVIEWER
I don’t know which button to press.
ALVINA
There are only two!
INTERVIEWER
Exactly. It’s confusing.
ALVINA (AS IF SPEAKING TO A CHILD)
Why don’t you try the green one?
(THE INTERVIEWER HOLDS DOWN THE BUTTON)
INTERVIEWER
(INTO THE INTERCOM) And now what? I speak into it? This is silly.
ALVINA
Hang on, I’ll go to the reception first. Then you press it.
(ALVINA SCURRIES OUT)
INTERVIEWER (INTO THE INTERCOM)
(UNENTHUSIASTICALLY) Alvina? Can you bring me a cup of cocoa please?
ALVINA (THROUGH THE INTERCOM, JOYFUL)
Get it yourself!
(ALVINA COMES BACK IN)
ALVINA
See? It works perfectly!
INTERVIEWER
(PLEADING TONE OF INTENSE SUFFERING) Why why why why why do you have to do this to me Alvina. We had a perfectly good system.
ALVINA (IGNORING HIM, STILL AS IF TALKING TO A CHILD)
I’m just going to pop down to Kozlowski. He needs more blue retinas from the fridge. In the meantime you can practice pressing the button, okay? There aren’t any clients for the rest of the day, so you have lots of time to befriend the intercom.
(ALVINA LEAVES)
INTERVIEWER
(HUFFS, THEN, QUIETLY TO HIMSELF) Befriend the Intercom… Ridiculous. Which… Ah, green button…
(THE INTERVIEWER PLAYS WITH THE INTERCOM, BUT VERY UNENTHUSIASTICALLY)
INTERVIEWER
Alvina? Could you bring me some Maltesers please?
Alvina? Hi, it’s me. (THINKS ABOUT THAT TO SAY) I need a pencil sharpener. Alvina? Hi, guess who… Yes… Well… I was wondering if maybe for lunch you’d like to go with me-
(SALVATORE AND JOEY BURST IN, PANTING)
JOEY (WHISPERS)
Help! Help!
INTERVIEWER
Not you again!
JOEY
You have to help us! You have to!
INTERVIEWER
(WEARILY) Italian gangsters? Really? I preferred cowboys.
SALVATORE
You have to help us. Tony Di Pasqua is on our tail!
INTERVIEWER
(LOUD) You really can’t take no for an answer can you? And may I say, this time your disguises really are sub-par. I recognised you immediately.
JOEY
These are our normal clothes!
SALVATORE
My name is Angelo Russo. I’m with the Cosa Nostra. This is my friend, Mario Drago. This morning there were two dead fish outside our hotel room.
INTERVIEWER
Trout?
SALVATORE
It was a message from Tony Di Pasqua. It means “you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”. Di Pasqua’s got a price on both our heads. We have to disappear!
INTERVIEWER
And why should I believe you this time? You’ve already lied to me twice.
SALVATORE
We didn’t think you’d help us if you knew who we are.
JOEY
We’ve done a lot of bad things.
SALVATORE
Fraud, theft, embezzlement, extortion, kidnapping, arson, assault, grand theft auto…
INTERVIEWER
Gentlemen, relax. All we care about is whether you have a story to tell. Now it sounds like you do. So tell me more about Tony Di Pasqua.
(THEY COME CLOSER AND SIT DOWN)
SALVATORE
(SIGHS) The feud goes back decades!
JOEY
It started in Kindergarten.
SALVATORE
He stole my firetruck.
JOEY
It had a pullback motor and an extendable ladder!
INTERVIEWER
Nice.
SALVATORE
(SADLY) Yeah, I loved that truck.
INTERVIEWER
I sincerely hope you didn’t let him get away with it.
SALVATORE
Of course not! When we were at school, I put spiders down his pants!
INTERVIEWER
Ha!
JOEY
But Tony retaliated. He waited behind the school with a plate of Spaghetti Carbonara, and when me and Angelo came round the corner, he throws it in our faces!
INTERVIEWER
Ew! Yuck!
SALVATORE
I put a firecracker in his school bag.
JOEY
Tony put a firecracker in Angelo’s mailbox.
SALVATORE
I put a firecracker in his Tiramisu.
JOEY
Tony pees in Angelo’s grappa.
SALVATORE
I take a dump on his first car.
JOEY
At college, Tony fires a rocket into our dorm.
SALVATORE
I sneak into his house and feed his piranha a dead horse. A whole horse! The piranha died of obesity!
JOEY
It was hilarious!
SALVATORE
Then he hacks into my computer and instals fruit porn!
JOEY
Half peeled bananas, oranges with no skin, mango seeds all stripped of their flesh. It was disgusting!
SALVATORE
(HEARTBROKEN) Vittoria found it and left me right away! Mi amore!
JOEY
That was cruel! That was one step too far!
INTERVIEWER
So what did you do?
SALVATORE
(PROUDLY) I stole his firetruck.
INTERVIEWER
(FULLY INVESTED) You mean your firetruck? You stole it back?
SALVATORE
No. A real one.
JOEY
Tony controls the fire department in Collio. Well, he’s a capo, he controls everything in Collio! They have this big firetruck which he likes to ride in when he’s doing his collections, waving his machine gun out the window.
SALVATORE
We stole the truck and dumped it into Lago Garcia!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE LAUGH)
Now Tony wants to end it for good. He wants to kill us.
INTERVIEWER
Then you have to kill him first.
SALVATORE
We’ve tried. Several times. But he dodges bullets like a midge on speed.
JOEY
Now he’s chasing us around the globe.
SALVATORE
We can’t shake him off!
JOEY
We’ve tried Mexico, Cuba, Sweden.
SALVATORE
We arrived in London last week and thought we’d finally shaken him off.
JOEY
Then, this morning, there are the two dead fishes outside our hotel room.
SALVATORE
And our guns are missing!
JOEY
We hear a noise down the hall, escape out the window-
SALVATORE
And come straight here!
INTERVIEWER
Well bravo gentlemen! I must say you’ve worked on your delivery! Quite gripping! Almost makes up for the poor disguises… For a moment there I almost believed you.
JOEY
You still don’t believe us?
INTERVIEWER
No. Sorry.
SALVATORE
Ok. Here.
(TWO FISH GET UNCEREMONIOUSLY SLAPPED ON THE DESK)
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) It is trout!
SALVATORE
Does that prove it?
INTERVIEWER
All it proves is that on the way here you stopped off at the fishmongers. (UNDER HIS BREATH) I wonder if Alvina could grill these up with a bit of lemon and garlic.
SALVATORE
Oh come on! What more proof do you need?!
INTERVIEWER
Something a little more substantial than trout.
(A SECOND LATER, TONY DI PASQUA BURSTS THROUGH THE DOOR. WOOD SPLINTERS, EVERYONE YELPS IN SURPRISE)
TONY (SHOUTING)
Mani in alto! (Hands up!) Angelo Russo! Figlio di puttana! Mangia merde e morte! (Son of a bitch! Eat shit and die!)
SALVATORE
How about that machine gun?
INTERVIEWER
That will suffice.
TONY
Shut up! Hands up all of you!
INTERVIEWER
Calm down, calm down, please, please. I’m sure we can discuss this like adults.
TONY
Vaffanculo! (Go fuck yourself!) Hands up or I’ll turn you into pizza topping!
(MACHINE GUN FIRE. CUPS AND SAUCERS BLOWN TO PIECES)
INTERVIEWER (HALF DROWNED OUT BY THE SOUND OF MACHINE GUN FIRE)
Careful! My Royal Worcester Teaset! I got that from a client!
JOEY
We’re raising our hands! We’re raising our hands!
TONY
That’s better. Now. First things first. Angelo. You’re going to apologise for stealing my firetruck.
SALVATORE
You stole mine first!
JOEY
Yes! And it had a pullback motor!
TONY
(PROUDLY) I know. (CHUCKLES) And an extendable ladder.
JOEY
Bastardo!
(IN THE BACKGROUND, THE FAINT SOUND OF SOS BEING TAPPED ON THE INTERCOM)
TONY
Hey Stronzo! (Hey Asshole!) What are you doing, eh!? Hands up!
INTERVIEWER
They’re up, they’re up…
TONY
Now, apologise!
SALVATORE
Or else?
TONY
You die!
SALVATORE
And if I apologise?
TONY
You die! I’m going to count to three. After three, you’ll be dripping off the wall like bolognese. One…
INTERVIEWER
Shoot him!
JOEY
We don’t have our guns!
TONY
Two…
SALVATORE
Why don’t you have a gun in the office?
INTERVIEWER
I’m not keen on firearms.
SALVATORE
Why?!
INTERVIEWER
(MATTER OF FACT) They’re too loud.
TONY
Two and a half…!
JOEY
Mama Mia, we’re gonna die!
(A GUNSHOT, SPLATTERING, A THUD. SILENCE)
JOEY
You shot him…
INTERVIEWER
You shot him!
SALVATORE
You shot him.
ALVINA
(UNIMPRESSED) Yep. I shot him.
INTERVIEWER
(ADORING) You got my message!
JOEY
Message?
INTERVIEWER
I tapped S.O.S. on the intercom!
ALVINA
So, can the intercom stay?
INTERVIEWER
(STILL ADORING) Yes! (SOBER AGAIN) But I’ll only use it in emergencies.
ALVINA
We’ll see about that.
JOEY
Grazie
SALVATORE (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Grazie. You saved our lives.
ALVINA
You’re welcome. So… Should we remove the corpse?
INTERVIEWER (SIGHS)
This time you take the head. That end is much heavier.
SALVATORE
We’ll do it.
ALVINA
Are you sure?
JOEY
We do this all the time!
(SALVATORE AND JOEY DRAG THE CORPSE ACROSS THE FLOOR)
ALVINA
Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
INTERVIEWER
That a cup of cocoa would really calm the nerves?
ALVINA
Gentlemen - wait a minute.
(A THUD AS THEY DROP THE BODY)
ALVINA
Would you like… a job?
SALVATORE
What?
INTERVIEWER
What??
ALVINA
We’ll take your case if…
INTERVIEWER
Alvina! What are you doing?
ALVINA (CON’T)
If you come work for us.
INTERVIEWER
(HIGH-PITCHED) What?!
ALVINA
We desperately need some assistants.
INTERVIEWER
Do we?
SALVATORE
We’re in.
ALVINA
Great. Welcome to Amelia.
INTERVIEWER
But what about upstairs?
ALVINA
I’m making an executive decision.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t know Alvina. It’s so nice and calm here, just you and me…
ALVINA
I’m completely overworked!
INTERVIEWER
Well, I suppose I could do with being served cocoa more frequently…
ALVINA
Really…?! Really?!
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH)And from someone less grumpy… (NORMAL AGAIN) Angelo! I want to test your abilities. Can you whip me up a large mug of cocoa with vanilla-infused cream, a quadruple serving of melted marshmallows, chocolate sprinkles, cinnamon, a touch of crushed cardamom, maple syrup and a glazed cherry. And I want it in less than two and half minutes. Can you do that?
SALVATORE
Here you go, Boss.
(CLUNK OF A MUG PLACED ON THE DESK)
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) That’s the fastest cup of cocoa I’ve ever been served!
SALVATORE
It was easy, you took so long talking…
INTERVIEWER (HE SIPS)
(IN AWE AND ADORING AGAIN) It’s delicious! You’re hired.
ALVINA
In return for your life long employment here at Amelia, we’ll give you a safe haven and two new identities-
JOEY
I just need one.
ALVINA (CON’T)
…and Kozlowski will give you some light plastic surgery.
SALVATORE
I’ve always wanted to look like uhm- Michael Cera.
ALVINA
On second thought, you look scarier the way you do now.
INTERVIEWER
I think this calls for a toast! Alvina, could you get the Veuve Clicquot, please?
(PAUSE, THEN ALVINA CLEARS HER THROAT)
What what what - What’s with the face? Oh. Sorry. Angelo - would you mind?
SALVATORE
Not at all boss.
(SALVATORE GETS THE VEUVE CLICQUOT AND POURS FOUR GLASSES UNDER THE FOLLOWING)
JOEY
How are we going to die?
INTERVIEWER
Let me think… Hmm… Ooh! Got it! Angelo will be shot by Tony Di Pasqua. His corpse will be found washed up in Dover next week. His face will be shot off, but he’ll be positively identified by his dental records. We can use Tony Di Pasquas’ corpse, he has the same build.
JOEY
And what about me?
INTERVIEWER
You’ll be caught in a shootout in the Paris suburbs! I know a very violent gang in the banlieu who would love to mutilate a Mario-shaped corpse. You’ll need new names. How about… Salvatore? And… Joey?
ALVINA
Which one is which?
INTERVIEWER
We’ll determine that with a tiddlywinks tournament, but first - a toast. Cheers!
(THEY CLANK THEIR GLASSES TOGETHER)
ALVINA & SALVATORE & JOEY
Saluti!
(CLICK)
HAINES
Anything happened yet?
COLE
Oh just an office shootout.
HAINES
Oh. (REALIZING) What? Rewind.
(PIANO MUSIC SLOWLY STARTS UP)
COLE
(SALTY) Oh, and they have proper hot beverages and assistants.
HAINES
(GROANS) Bastards!
(MUSIC STARTS UP. THE AMELIA THEME HAS AN ITALIAN SLANT COMPLETE WITH VIOLIN. AFTER IT ENDS, WE HEAR THE NORMAL THEME PLAYING OVER THE CREDITS)
CREDITS
Thanks for listening to this episode of the Amelia Project. And thank you to all our wonderful patrons who make this show possible. Enjoy the show but not yet a patron? Well - joining us is quick and easy and you can pledge whatever you’re comfortable with - 1$, 2$, 5$, 10$, 20$ - 100$, we won’t stop you! And there are lots of perks to choose from, such as: early access, shoutouts, and bonus content. And speaking of shoutouts, thank you to Kathi Sindelar in Vienna, or rather, Vielen Dank Kathi, für deine großzügige Unterstützung. To become a patron, go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast (...)to make your pledge. We would be so grateful.
And now, the Credits:
This episode was written by Øystein Brager with Story Editing by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager. Music and Sound Design by Fredrik Baden with Øyvind Brojå as the Violinist. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Gianluca Iumiento as Joey, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore,Benjamin Noble as Agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as Agent Cole, Stanley Kuschick as Tony di Pasqua and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions, it was recorded at TonGeber Studio in Vienna, and Nitro Studio in Oslo, and engineered by Gabriel Geber. All graphic design for the Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen. Check out ameliapodcast.com for more info on the team, links to our patreon, Amelia Project Merchandise, and more. And follow us on Twitter @amelia_podcast, for the latest Amelia-news. See you soon!
(BEEPING FADES OUT)
EPILOGUE
(JOEY AND SALVATORE ARE AT THE RECEPTION)
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) Joey? Joey, wake up!
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Huh? What?
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) Keep watch, I need to pee.
JOEY
Okay.
SALVATORE
And don’t fall asleep again
INTERVIEWER
(LOUD ON THE INTERCOM.)
Security, security!!!
(JOEY AND SALVATORE RUN INTO THE OFFICE. THROUGH THE DOOR WE HEAR THE FIGHT FROM EPISODE ONE, THOUGH VERY FAINT AND MUFFLED)
ELIZABETH
Excuse me, what… what the -
INTERVIEWER
Show Mrs Barlow the way out would you?
ELIZABETH
Let go of me!
(FIGHTING)
INTERVIEWER
It was a sincere sensation, must do it again some time.
ELIZABETH
Let go of me!
INTERVIEWER
Now out you hop.
INTERVIEWER
Cheerio.
(MORE FIGHTING, PUNCHING AND GROANING)
ELIZABETH
Put down that baseball bat or I'll taser the shit out of you!
(THE ELECTRIC FIZZLE OF A TASER)
JOEY
Ahhhhh!
INTERVIEWER (CLAPPING)
Bravo! Bravo Mrs Barlow! That was excellent.
ELIZABETH
This is mad.
INTERVIEWER
Joey -
Joey? Salvatore, you can leave. Oh, and bring me a cup of cocoa. Would you like anything Elizabeth? Can I call you Elizabeth?
(SALVATORE DRAGS JOEY BACK OUT INTO THE HALLWAY. ELIZABETH AND THE INTERVIEWER FADE INTO THE BACKGROUND AGAIN)
SALVATORE
Joey? Joey?
(SALVATORE SLAPS JOEY ACROSS THE FACE)
Joey!
(JOEY WAKES UP WITH A START)
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Ah! What happened?
SALVATORE
You got knocked out.
JOEY
Did I?
(A LOUD SNORE)
SALVATORE
Joey? Ah… Dormito… (Just sleep…) I’m taking a leak.
END OF EPISODE