WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.
EPISODE 17 - BARTHOLOMEW FUCKFACE CHUCKLEPANTS KNUCKLECRACKER
PROLOGUE
(THE MI5 OFFICE. HAINES IS SORTING THROUGH TAPES AND MAKING NOTES. COLE COMES IN)
COLE
(STRAINED VOICE) Where… Where is everyone?
HAINES
Um… You don’t know what’s happening today?
COLE
Should I?
HAINES
(WHISPERS) Operation Crackpot…?
COLE
Oh shit! That’s today! Of course!
HAINES
You and I are basically the only people left in the building. By the way, you’re late.
COLE
I know I know. Had to patch things up with Jenny. (YAWNS) I’m so tired!
(PAUSE)
HAINES
I’ve been sorting through some tapes. Thought we should listen to some of the more recent ones. You know. Work back. This one’s from last week.
(COLE TAKES A CASSETTE OUT OF ITS CASE)
COLE
Uh? There’s no name.
HAINES
I know. Their filing system’s a mess. Some have dates and no names, others have names but no dates… It’s a shambles.
COLE
(YAWNS)
HAINES
Oh? Still not getting much sleep, huh? More nightmares?
COLE
(TIRED) Nah. Up all night arguing with Jenny.
HAINES
What was it this time?
COLE
You know how two weeks ago I... forgot our anniversary?
HAINES
Yeah, I remember...
COLE
I wanted to make it up to her by cooking a surprise dinner.
HAINES
Ah! What did you make?
COLE
Prawn curry.
HAINES
Good?
COLE
I thought so.
HAINES
...she didn’t?
COLE
I think she didn’t mind the taste...
HAINES
But?
COLE
Prawns were off.
HAINES
(SYMPATHETIC) Oh.
COLE
I got it out of my system pretty quick, but she’s got it rough. Basically been in the loo all night.
HAINES
Damn.
COLE
Still in there now.
HAINES
Well if you need to go home and-
COLE
No! No! I’m far better off here.
HAINES
You sure?
COLE
She’s supposed to go on a business trip to Rio de Janeiro today. Been looking forward to it for months. Now she’s hugging the toilet instead. She’s livid!
HAINES
Not your fault though right?
COLE
I mean the prawns were on sale, but you don’t expect them to go bad two days after the sell-by date right?
HAINES
(HESITANT) Right...
COLE
Let’s get cracking with this No-Name-Interview. It’ll take my mind off things.
HAINES
Yeah, good idea.
(THEY INSERT THE TAPE)
COLE
Good to go?
HAINES
Play.
(CLICK)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed!
(PAUSE)
Still there? If you continue, there’s no way back. The choice is yours.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP)
BARTHOLOMEW
(BURPING, FARTING, WHISTLING, KNUCKLE CRACKING)
(SHRILL BEEP, THEN THE AMELIA THEME STARTS)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. With music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 17 - Bartholmew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker.
(THE INTERVIEW)
(THE BEAT DISSOLVES INTO THE INTERVIEWER TALKING AND TAKING NOTES ABOUT AND WITH BARTHOLOMEW, WHO TALKS HESITANT AND RELATIVELY QUIET)
INTERVIEWER
Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knuckle-cracker.
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Hell of a name to squeeze onto your tax return.
BARTHOLOMEW
I just put Tim Smith.
INTERVIEWER
That’s your real name?
(MORE SCRIBBLING, THE CLICK OF A PEN)
BARTHOLOMEW
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
How does Tim Smith become Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knuckle-cracker?
BARTHOLOMEW
You need a silly name to progress in the party.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
I’m sorry?
BARTHOLOMEW
But they just call me Chucklepants for short.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t understand, Chucklepants. What party?
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh! The Funky Fancy Fatuous Fishy Fizzy Flashy Flirtatious Frolicking Freewheeling Farting Facile Farcical Farfetched Feebleminded Featherbrained Faddish Facetious Funny as Fuck Party.
(PAUSE)
Sorry, thought you knew.
INTERVIEWER
No! Should I?
BARTHOLOMEW
We do have a general election on at the moment.
INTERVIEWER
I’m intrigued. Do you have any campaign literature on you?
BARTHOLOMEW
Our name doesn’t fit on leaflets…
INTERVIEWER
It is a bit of a mouthful. Haven’t you considered making it snappier?
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP for short.
INTERVIEWER
So what does the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP stand for?
BARTHOLOMEW
You forgot an F.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
BARTHOLOMEW
(TAKES A DEEP BREATH) You said FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP, but it’s
(THE INTERVIEWER SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)
(HE PUTS EMPHASIS ON THE LAST F) FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP.
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH) Oh for god’s sake… (LOUDER, AND ALSO WITH EMPHASIS ON THE LAST F) What does the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP stand for?
BARTHOLOMEW
I thought that was obvious.
INTERVIEWER
Not really.
BARTHOLOMEW
(LOUDER) The Funky Fancy Fatuous Fishy Fiz-
INTERVIEWER
(GETTING FRUSTRATED) No! Not the name, the party! What’s your ideology?
BARTHOLOMEW
Ah. (CHUCKLES) Better weather, better Christmas presents,
(THE INTERVIEWER MAKES INTERESTED SOUNDS IN THE BACKGROUND)
…repealing the laws of gravity, replacing the Church of England with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and introducing sand as legal tender.
INTERVIEWER
(NOW HAPPY) Well tickle my nipple and call me fickle! That sounds right up my street! Can I become a member?
BARTHOLOMEW
You already are.
INTERVIEWER
Aha…? What?
BARTHOLOMEW
We consider everyone a member unless they’ve declared otherwise.
INTERVIEWER
Great! How do I rise through the party ranks?
BARTHOLOMEW
First you choose a silly name.
INTERVIEWER
Okay, in that case, I’ll be Dedrick Damnit Dipshit Doofus Douchebag de Pfeffel the Dandy. What’s next?
BARTHOLOMEW
If you want to stand for local election you’re going to have to win a fight with swords of rolled up newspaper.
INTERVIEWER
I better get practicing.
(HANDS BARTHOLOMEW ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER)
Here.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SHARP WHISPER) You want to fight me?
INTERVIEWER
One. Two. Three. Go!
(THEY START SWASHBUCKLING INTENSELY, AND WE CAN’T UNDERSTAND ALL THEY ARE SAYING THROUGH THE SOUND OF NEWSPAPER HITTING ARMS, LEGS AND TORSO. A FEW THINGS, HOWEVER, ARE CLEAR, ALWAYS INTERRUPTED BY FIGHTING, PANTING AND LAUGHING:
INTERVIEWER
Fingers! Fingers Fingers! (DETERMINED AND ACCOMPANIED BY THE SOUND OF SLAPPING) Let me show you something I learned from someone who will remain nameless!
BARTHOLOMEW
Oh, very good! Very good hand!
MORE HITTING
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha!
INTERVIEWER
Ha! Ha, ha!
A LOT OF OW’S FOLLOW, BY WHOM IS NOT CLEAR
BARTHOLOMEW
(SHOUTING) You will regret fighting Chucklepants!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, leg! I didn’t know legs were in the game!
BARTHOLOMEW
All are target! Everything’s a target, just not the shoes, not the shoes, never the shoes!
INTERVIEWER
I will keep that in mind!
THE SWASHBUCKLING GETS MORE INTENSE
Okay, I’ll-
MORE SOUNDS OF HITTING AS CHUCKLEPANTS CLEARLY WINS
Stop stop stop stop stop stop, I surrender! I surrender!
CHUCKLEPANTS LAUGHS ALOUD. THEY ARE BOTH OUT OF BREATH, AND PUT THE NEWSPAPERS ASIDE AGAIN. END OF FIGHTING SEQUENCE)
INTERVIEWER
Man. You’re good! You must be right up there in the hierarchy.
BARTHOLOMEW
(BREATHLESS) I’m party leader.
INTERVIEWER
Really? Wow. I had no idea. (CHUCKLES, SURPRISED) It’s an honour to meet you Chucklepants. At Amelia we’ve always wanted to get into politics.
BARTHOLOMEW
Really?
INTERVIEWER
You sound surprised.
BARTHOLOMEW
You just don’t seem very informed about current affairs.
INTERVIEWER
Oy. What’s that supposed to mean?
BARTHOLOMEW
Well you didn’t know who I was for a start.
INTERVIEWER
I really don’t think-
BARTHOLOMEW
We’ve received a lot of coverage this election. You haven’t come across the armadillo anarchists?
INTERVIEWER
(THOUGHTFUL) I have been seeing rather a lot of armadillo masks lately… So it’s something to do with you?
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. We got hundreds of people to parade through London in armadillo costumes chanting “down with common sense!”
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps I have heard of you. Were you the ones behind the eating strike?
BARTHOLOMEW
(ELONGATED) Yes!
INTERVIEWER
The images were pretty disgusting…
BARTHOLOMEW
(LAUGHING AND SOUNDING A LITTLE HIGH-PITCHED) Meatloaf for breakfast, deep-fried cheesecakes for lunch, 150 ounce steaks for dinner. All washed down with peanut butter milkshakes.
INTERVIEWER
(STILL GETTING HIS BREATH BACK) Parliament Green was drenched in vomit…
BARTHOLOMEW
Yeah. It was powerful stuff. Eventually the government caved in to our demands.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? What were your demands?
BARTHOLOMEW
More bread for the ducks in St. James Park.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Okay. I admit I haven’t been paying much attention to the news lately. That’s partly because I’m in this office all day, and partly because the whole system turns me off.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re not the only one…
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
I mean this election is a total joke! The posturing and posing, the ridiculous promises that can never be fulfilled… It’s a complete farce!
BARTHOLOMEW
Farcical! That’s the twelfth F in FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP.
INTERVIEWER
Right! You own up to the farcical nature of politics! That’s what it’s all about right? (INVESTED) You’re holding a mirror to the system and exposing it as an empty sham…
BARTHOLOMEW
Not really. My wife just wanted me to get out the house more. I looked at the local activities on offer and it was either this or badminton.
INTERVIEWER
But why did you choose the party?
BARTHOLOMEW
I wanted to do theatre really. But I get stage fright and I’m terrible at learning lines, so I chose the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP. You still get to dress up, but parades and processions are less exposing than plays.
INTERVIEWER
But you’re the party leader!
(PAUSE)
BARTHOLOMEW
That wasn’t intentional.
INTERVIEWER
You just accidentally swashbuckled your way to the top?
BARTHOLOMEW
Don’t be silly. The party leader isn’t chosen by newspaper baton fight.
INTERVIEWER
No? How is the leader chosen?
BARTHOLOMEW
Sleeping lions.
INTERVIEWER
(IMPRESSED) Sleeping lions?
BARTHOLOMEW
You know, the game. Everyone lies totally still on the floor and anyone who moves gets eliminated.
INTERVIEWER
Well. You must have stayed very still.
BARTHOLOMEW
I was tired. I fell asleep. (INTERVIEWER HUMMING IN THE BACKGROUND) When I woke up, I was party leader!
INTERVIEWER
That must have been a surprise.
BARTHOLOMEW
(QUIETLY) It was a shock!
INTERVIEWER
You didn’t want to become leader?
BARTHOLOMEW
No, no, not really.
INTERVIEWER
So why did you accept?
BARTHOLOMEW
FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFP’s procedures are very strict. You can’t just back out.
INTERVIEWER
I guess you have to give speeches now… Have you got over the stage fright?
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s very stressful. But I’ve developed a style that consists mostly of doing burps and and cracking my knuckles at the microphone. That way I don’t have to learn lines.
INTERVIEWER
Why do you want to disappear, Chucklepants?
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t want to be prime minister!
INTERVIEWER
(SNORTS AND STARTS LAUGHING LOUDLY) I can tell you with one hundred percent certainty, there’s not a cat in hell’s chance of that happening.
(PAUSE)
BARTHOLOMEW
(SHAKY) Switch on the radio.
INTERVIEWER
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
Switch on the radio.
INTERVIEWER
But-
BARTHOLOMEW
(STUTTERING) Just… Just… Just do it.
(SOME CLATTER AS THE INTERVIEWER PULLS OPEN A DRAWER AND PRESUMABLY TAKES OUT A RADIO)
INTERVIEWER
What station?
BARTHOLOMEW
It should be on pretty much anywhere.
(RADIO SWITCHED ON. TUNING THROUGH SEVERAL STATIONS, EVENTUALLY SETTLING ON A NEWS BROADCAST)
NEWSREADER
-offshore accounts, likely to be exposed in the coming days. The revelations have sparked protests across the country, with an estimated 900.000 protestors marching to London’s parliament square, demanding an immediate investigation into both the government, and the opposition. There is fear across the political establishment, but the all consuming nature of the expensive scandal with the anti-politician-feeling it has unleashed, will hit MP’s of all parties. A snap-poll conducted by Ugov indicated that in Thursday’s general election, five out of ten voters intend to stain or spoil their ballots. The prime minister fled Number 10 via back-exit, and was seen driving away in a red Opel Astra, the car was found abandoned on the fringes of Gydia forest. Northwell police believes she is hiding up Mount Snowden. Back at Westminster, the leader of the opposition called for ‘cool heads’ to prevail, before having a panic attack, and being taken to St. Thomas’ hospital. The only party gaining rapid momentum in these extraordinary times is the Funky Fancy Fatuous Fishy Fizzy Flashy Flirtatious Frolicking Freewheeling Farting Facile Farcical Farfetched Feebleminded Featherbrained Faddish Facetious Funny as - BLEEP - Party, also known as the Armadillo movement. The FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-BLEEP-P’s leader, Bartholomew BLEEPface Chucklepants Knuckle-cracker, wants to scrap VAT and replace it with a tax on hiccups. He has also sworn an oath never to keep any of his promises, so it’s hard to predict what a Chucklepants-premiership would entail. Judging by the number of Armadillo-masks on Parliament Square, it only seems as if Chucklepant’s movement has hitten nerv with an electorate eager to send a strong message to Westminster Politicians. The rise of the FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-BLEEP-P has sent shockwaves through the stock market, with sterling currently trading one to one with the Vietnamese dong.
(RADIO SWITCHED OFF)
INTERVIEWER
(FLABBERGHASTED) Well lock me in chains and blow my brains!
BARTHOLOMEW
What do I do?
INTERVIEWER
Go for it!
BARTHOLOMEW
Are you insane?
INTERVIEWER
This is going to be hilarious!
BARTHOLOMEW
For a day or two yes. But then? Wha-Wha-What when I have to deal with the refugee crisis? (THE INTERVIEWER SCOFFS) The diplomatic fallout with Russia? (THE INTERVIEWER BLOWS A RASPBERRY) The collapse of the economy?
INTERVIEWER
My god man - Improvise!
BARTHOLOMEW
What?
INTERVIEWER
You’ll be great.
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t know the first thing about politics!
INTERVIEWER
I’m rooting for you.
BARTHOLOMEW
(QUIETLY UPSET) Shit! Should have taken up badminton!
(PAUSE)
I’ve got an idea…
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
BARTHOLOMEW
You seem keen. Let’s swap places!
INTERVIEWER
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m serious. You do it! You know you want to!
INTERVIEWER
It’s a generous offer, Chucklepants. But tempting as the prospect of running the country may be, unfortunately my contract with Amelia stipulates that I have to lie low.
BARTHOLOMEW
Why? What have you done?
INTERVIEWER
(SERIOUS) We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you. I’ve had my time in the limelight. My new life belongs to Amelia.
BARTHOLOMEW
Don’t you get bored?
INTERVIEWER
I fight it with cocoa and stories.
BARTHOLOMEW
Does that work?
INTERVIEWER
It’s working today!
(PAUSE)
BARTHOLOMEW
(TAKES A BREATH) I’m not going to become Prime Minister just because you find it amusing!
INTERVIEWER
Oh yes you are.
BARTHOLOMEW
No way!
INTERVIEWER
You have no choice. You have to.
BARTHOLOMEW
Why?
INTERVIEWER
It’s my condition for helping you.
BARTHOLOMEW
What?
(PAUSE)
So you are going to help me?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. After your first three days in office.
(PAUSE, THEN, VERY QUICKLY)
BARTHOLOMEW
Two days.
INTERVIEWER
Three days.
BARTHOLOMEW
(HOPEFUL) Two and a half…?
INTERVIEWER
Deal!
BARTHOLOMEW
(SOFTLY) Fuck.
INTERVIEWER
(IN HIS ELEMENT) Here are some things I want you to do in the first days. You will change the voting age to include only those under the age of eighteen. You will make homosexuality mandatory for one third of the population. Benefits will be dependent on the claimant having watched all nine seasons of Seinfeld as well as the Curb Your Enthusiasm special. You will nominate an armadillo as home secretary, an alpaca as chancellor, and an alligator as minister of defence. When you receive congratulatory calls from world leaders, you will respond in a mock imitation of their language. You will inform the French president of your plans to move the Eiffel Tower to Leeds in an attempt to boost tourism in the North of England.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re loving this aren’t you?
INTERVIEWER (LAUGHING)
I haven’t had this much fun since we made three airplanes and the search party disappear in the Bermuda Triangle!
BARTHOLOMEW
Strange hobby you’ve got. Can’t you just take up chess or something?
INTERVIEWER
Hey! You’re the one who became leader of a political party to pass the time!
BARTHOLOMEW
How do I disappear?
INTERVIEWER
During prime minister’s questions.
BARTHOLOMEW
Seriously? There’ll be a lot of people.
INTERVIEWER
That’s the point. We need witnesses.
BARTHOLOMEW
What will happen.
INTERVIEWER
Oooh nothing much. You will be abducted by martians.
BARTHOLOMEW
Sorry?!
INTERVIEWER
An aircraft will land on Houses of Parliament, a dozen or so men with green face paint will get out, burst into the House of Commons, and abduct you. We’ll fly you straight to a quiet little island in the South Pacific where you can start your new life.
BARTHOLOMEW
(HESITANT)Isn’t that a bit… silly?
INTERVIEWER
No! It’s unbelievably silly! And it will be the perfect crowning to a surreal week! Oh, normally I’d offer you champagne at this point, but to be honest we’ve got to get cracking! No time to lose! You have to get yourself to Trafalgar Square asap to address the crowds.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SCARED) Hold on...
INTERVIEWER
Give them a riotous, rabble rousing, knuckle cracker of a performance! You can take Joey and Salvatore as bodyguards.
BARTHOLOMEW
(SCARED) Uh huh.
INTERVIEWER
You’ll be terrific! I’ll be in the front row, wearing an armadillo mask, cheering you on! (HE GETS UP) I’m going to get Alvina to book you onto Newsnight, we need to turn our van into a campaign bus and tour the country. (ON HIS WAY OUT) Amelia is going to throw all its resources behind you! (HIGH-PITCHED) Don’t just sit there! We have an election to win!
BARTHOLOMEW
(FEEBLY) I’m coming…
(THE SCENE CUTS OFF WITH A CLICK, WE’RE WITH COLE AND HAINES AGAIN)
COLE
Haines, you know what this means?
HAINES
Oh Jesus, what’s the time?
COLE
It’s… twelve forty five.
HAINES
Oh my god - It’s planned for one.
COLE
You think we can still call it off?
HAINES
We have to try.
COLE
Yeah yeah yeah - You get Frank on the line!
HAINES
Okay
(CLICK AS HE UNLOCKS HIS PHONE, WE HEAR BOTH OF THEM BREATHING HEAVILY OVER THE COURSE OF THE CONVERSATION)
(FORCED CALM) Where’s the number… Ah, there is is, okay, okay, okay, (PAUSE, HEAVY BREATHING) calling...
Ah shit.
COLE
What?
HAINES
He’s already switched his phone off.
COLE
(CURSES UNDER HIS BREATH) Get Douglas!
HAINES
Douglas, good idea…
Come on Come on Come on…
COLE
Dougie…
HAINES
pick up pick up pick up…
Doug! Thank God! Abort the mission crackpot! I repeat, abort mission crackpot! Yes I’m serious. We don’t have to get blood on our hands. This will be resolved another way.
(SPLUTTERING) How? Uhm…
(COLE WHISPERS SOMETHING IN THE BACKGROUND)
Just trust me on this one okay? By tomorrow afternoon he’ll have disappeared of his own accord.
(PAUSE AS BEEPING SETS IN)
You’ll see…
MUSIC SETS IN
PHILIP
Today we have a special treat for you. As you know, we rely on our patrons to make this show. And as a 5$ Patron, you get little minisodes to accompany each regular episode. Well. Today, as a one-off, we decided to release this week’s minisode for everyone. We hope you’ll like it, and we hope you will consider supporting us on patreon so we can keep making this show and pay our team what we deserve. You can support us on patreon.com/ameliapodcast. Minisode coming up, but first: the Credits!
CREDITS
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and Sound Design by Frederik Baden. It featured Alan Burgon as The Interviewer, Felix Trench as Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as Agent Cole, Gemma Arrowsmith as the Newsreader, and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, and Spike City Studio in Oslo, and engineered by Sam Harper and Robert Rustad Amundsen. All graphic design for the Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen. To keep up to date with the Amelia Project, follow us on Twitter! We’re @amelia_podcast and we will be posting a video of Alan and Felix swashbuckling with swords of rolled up newspaper. Oh yes. A special cocoa-slurping thank you to Kathi Sindelar for your support. Right, time for our minisode! And for our 5$ Patrons, fear not, you will still be getting something else that is exclusively for you, but we won’t reveal what here, as Amelia is all about the secrets.
(BEEPING FADES OUT TO THE SOUND OF KNOCKING ON A DOOR)
ALVINA
Come in!
INTERVIEWER (WALKING IN)
Alvina, it’s scrabble time!
ALVINA
Oh…
INTERVIEWER
I’ve beaten you five days in a row, shall we make it an even six? (LAUGHS)
ALVINA
Not tonight.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) What?
ALVINA
I’ve got all last months receipts to go through. Speaking of which, I’m still missing some for the Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker disappearance.
INTERVIEWER
(INNOCENTLY)Which disappearance?
ALVINA
The Bartholomew Fuckface- (THE INTERVIEWER SNORTS IN THE BACKGROUND, ALVINA IS UNAMUSED) Ah... ha...ha...
INTERVIEWER
(LAUGHING) I love hearing you say that!
ALVINA (CON’T)
I’ve got the receipts for the campaign expenditure, Flyers, Posters, Facebook ads, Armadillo Masks, kitting out the van as a campaign bus, but what about the receipts for the victory party? All those crates of Veuve Clicquot?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Ah… Good times…
ALVINA
Ah! I think Joey might still have them!
INTERVIEWER
(SUDDENLY ALERT) What? No, no, no no…
ALVINA
(SUDDENLY REALIZING) Actually… Where is Joey? I haven’t seen him for ages!
INTERVIEWER
(TRYING HIS BEST TO BE INCONSPICUOUS BUT FAILING MISERABLY) He’s around… He… He’s around!
ALVINA
(LOOKING RIGHT THROUGH HIM) Is something going on…?
INTERVIEWER
What!? No!! What would ever give you that idea?!
ALVINA
(SLOW BUT DETERMINED) Where is Joey?
INTERVIEWER
In the basement with Kozlowsky!
ALVINA
What? But he hates going down there!
INTERVIEWER
I’ll tell him to give you those receipts next time I see him...
ALVINA
No, I need them now! I’ll go down to the basement.
(CHAIR IS PUSHED BACK AS SHE GETS UP)
INTERVIEWER
(UPSET) No! You can’t disturb Kozlowlsky! He’s knocking up the corpse for the Barey Disappearance!
(SHE IGNORES HIM, THE DOOR FALLS SHUT)
Shit! (SOUND OF AN OLD TELEPHONE AS HE CALLS DOWNSTAIRS, BREATHLESS:)
Koslowsky? Quick! Put Joey in a cupboard! Throw a rug over him! Hide him in the freezer! Alvina mustn’t see him! Yes! She’s on her way down right now!
(QUIETER, ALMOST FRIGHTENED) Ah… Oh… Did she just… come in…? Kozlowsky? (URGENT) Have you hidden Joey? What’s that? Is she angry?
Oh she’s angry isn’t she? Kozlowsky, what’s that noise! Was that the door? Kozlowsky? Talk to me! What’s happening? I demand to know, Kozlowsky, I demand that you answer me right now! (HE GETS INTERRUPTED AS THE DOOR IS OPENED WITH FORCE AND ALVINA COMES IN, RAGING. HE HANGS UP)
ALVINA
Why is Joey green?!
INTERVIEWER
(FEIGNS INNOCENCE AND FAILS EVEN WORSE THAN BEFORE) Hm?
ALVINA
(A LITTLE CALMER) You heard me. (EVERY WORD FOR ITS OWN, SLOWLY, AS SHE COMES A STEP CLOSER WITH EVERY WORD) Why. Is. Joey. GREEN?
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Uhm… (STUTTERING, then, quieter) Martian paint…
ALVINA
Martian paint?!
INTERVIEWER
Hmhm… he was one of the martians abducting Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker
ALVINA (INTERRUPTING HIM)
That was nearly a week ago! Why is he still green?!
INTERVIEWER
We might have used a paint which … wasn’t originally meant for… people…
ALVINA
What?!
INTERVIEWER
Did you get the receipts off him?
ALVINA
What kind of paint did you use?
INTERVIEWER
In my defense… The metallic shine did make him look very authentic…
ALVINA
Metallic…
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Salvatore spray painted him. But don’t worry! It’s all under control!
ALVINA
That could … KILL HIM?!
INTERVIEWER
Well. Yes, we know that now.. But it’s-
ALVINA
His skin needs to breathe!
INTERVIEWER
(STILL TRYING TO CONVINCE HER IT’S NOT THAT BAD, BUT TO NO AVAIL) Which is why Kozlowksy has attached those Oxygen masks to his feet, did you see them?
ALVINA
(CRY OF FRUSTRATION) Unbelievable!
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, the soles of his feet are breathing just fine!
ALVINA
We need to get that paint off him, right now!
INTERVIEWER
Kozlowski is working on it. He’s tried every trick in the book.
ALVINA
(DESPERATE LAUGH OF FRUSTRATION) It’s been a week!
INTERVIEWER
The first attempt with paint-stripper didn’t work so well, but Kozlowski has grafted new skin to Joey’s left knee-
ALVINA
What?
INTERVIEWER
In a few weeks, all his skin will have fallen off by itself! So there is really nothing to worry about! Your skin completely regenerates every 27 days! Besides, Kozlowski says, that if he is not dead by now, he is very likely to make it right through-
ALVINA
(SIGHS IN MOCK-RELIEF) Oh! Well, that is so comforting.
INTERVIEWER
He’s getting better, Alvina. You should have seen him just a few days ago - I mean, he was so green!
ALVINA
(FRUSTRATED SNORT BEFORE SHE WALKS OVER TO THE DESK AGAIN) Did we even make a profit from this case?
INTERVIEWER
Uhm…
ALVINA
(SITTING DOWN AGAIN) I mean, after the election-campaign, and the spaceship and trying to save a green employee’s life… Did we actually make a-
INTERVIEWER
(MATTER OF FACT) 2pounds 43p…
ALVINA
When did you work that out?
INTERVIEWER
Uh… Just an estimate from looking at the receipts from the desk and adding two-dozen crains of champaign. We sold a lot of Amadillow masks. That was a good source of income!
ALVINA
(SCOFFS) So, all that for a surplus of 2 pounds and-
INTERVIEWER
Ah, deficit…
ALVINA (SIGHS)
Ugh!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
A deficit of 2 pounds, 43 p… Approximately. (HOPEFUL) But it was so much fun!
ALVINA
(UNIMPRESSED) Yes. Hilarious.
INTERVIEWER
Sure I can’t tempt you with some Scrabble?
ALVINA
(FORCED CALM) Out. Out. (GETTING LOUDER) Out out out out (CONTINUES AND PRESUMABLY THROWS SOMETHING AT OR AFTER THE INTERVIEWER)
(DEEP SIGH BEFORE SHE EITHER DROPS HER ELBOWS OR HEAD ON THE DESK) This is a madhouse…
END OF EPISODE.