EPISODE 18 - NISEAG
WARNING: COURSE LANGUAGE.
PROLOGUE
COLE
(HE TRIES VARIOUS PRONUNCIATIONS)
Nis-eh-ag? Nai-sea-ag? Nai-sidge?
HAINES
I dunno. I think it's Gaelic.
COLE
Huh. Play?
HAINES
Play.
CLICK. BEEP.
ANSWER PHONE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. Are you sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there’s no way back. The choice is yours Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
NESSIE
Guid day. How wid ye lik' tae mak' a fifty foot, twenty four thousand kilo monster disappear? Go on! Gie it laldy!
BEEP.
THE AMELIA THEME PLAYED ON BAGPIPES.
INTRO
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 18: Nessie?
THE INTERVIEW
ROWING. WIND.
INTERVIEWER
Ohhhh! This weather would make a Siberian husky shiver!
JOEY
(SHIVERING)
This was a mistake!
SALVATORE
It was a prank call.
INTERVIEWER
You're probably right. But just imagine if it was true...
JOEY
It was a hoax!
INTERVIEWER
Anyway, it’s nice to get the city out of our lungs for a bit.
A MASSIVE GUST OF WIND.
SALVATORE
Madonna!!
SHIVERING.
JOEY
Can we row back now?
INTERVIEWER
Just another hour. I’ve brought a thermos of cocoa. It’ll keep us warm.
SALVATORE
I’ve brought tomato and pesto panini and a tupperware of tiramisu.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, a picnic! This’ll be fun.
JOEY
(TEETH CHATTERING) I’m soooooo cold!
INTERVIEWER
Just a teeny bit longer! We’ll play a game to pass the time. Do you know I Spy With my Little Eye?
JOEY
No.
SALVATORE
Io spio occhino.
JOEY
Ah. Yes, yes, yes. I know it.
INTERVIEWER
Ah, good. Salvatore, you start.
SALVATORE
I… I spy with my little eye something that is…
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
SALVATORE
I don’t know what to say.
INTERVIEWER
You have to say the colour of something you can see.
SALVATORE
All I can see is water.
INTERVIEWER
Then you say I spy with my little eye something that is blue.
SALVATORE
I spy with my little eye something that is blue.
JOEY
Water! I win!
INTERVIEWER
Ok. Your turn Joey.
JOEY
I spy with my little eye something that is… brown!
SALVATORE
The cocoa!
JOEY
No!
INTERVIEWER
This cocoa isn’t brown! It’s mahogany with a hint of umber.
JOEY
I spy with my little eye something that is brown. Lord…
INTERVIEWER
Ah! The Tiramisu!
JOEY
No!
SALVATORE
That piece of dog shit.
JOEY
Wh - what piece of dog shit?
SALVATORE
That piece of dog shit.
JOEY
Man, I never knew dog shit could float like that.
SALVATORE
It’s floating towards us.
JOEY
It’s swimming towards us.
SALVATORE
It’s… what is it?
JOEY
Here, I’ve got a stick. Let’s poke it.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm, I, I don’t think you should be poking that with a stick… Joey! Do not poke that with a stick!
SOMETHING HUGE EMERGES FROM THE WATER AND THE DINGHY ALMOST CAPSIZES.
ALL
Woah!
INTERVIEWER
Oh my God what is that!
SALVATORE
Oh shit!
NESSIE
Ah spy wi' mah wee eye, three chucklefucks in a dinghy.
INTERVIEWER, JOEY AND SALVATORE SCREAM.
INTERVIEWER
HELP!!!
NESSIE
Shut yer geggies yer knobdobbers!
INTERVIEWER
Well toss me like a caber! It’s Nessie!
NESSIE
Dae ye still think ah dornt exist?
INTERVIEWER
Sorry Nessie. Nice to meet you.
NESSIE
A herty welcome tae th' Hielands!
INTERVIEWER
Thank you.
NESSIE
What's 'at ye'r eating? A’m soo hungry ah cood eat the scabby heid aff a wean!
INTERVIEWER
Tomato and pesto panini. Would you like some?
NESSIE
Aye! Gie thaim ‘ere.
NESSIE MUNCHES.
NESSIE
Oh that’s good. Oh, pesto, fancy.
INTERVIEWER
Do you like them?
NESSIE
Och. It’s nae cock-a-leekie, but it's alrecht.
INTERVIEWER
Cock-a-leekie?
NESSIE
Dinnae tell me ye'v ne'er herd of cock-a-leekie!
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
Watch your legs boys…
(TO NESSIE)
Um… No, I can’t say that I have…
NESSIE
Michty me! Ye haven't lived 'til ye'v tasted cock-a-leekie! Whit's in that flask?
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa. Be my guest. It’s from Les Deux Mag-
NESSIE
Cocoa? Did ye jist say cocoa?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. It’s all the way from-
NESSIE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER. INTENSE SPLASHING.
JOEY and SALVATORE
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
INTERVIEWER
Nessie! Nessie, please! We’re going to capsize!
NESSIE
Ah got ye all drookit! Cocoa! Yer such twallywashers!
INTERVIEWER
Twallywashers? What does that even -
(UNDER HIS BREATH)
I’m soaking wet…
NESSIE
Fannybaws, dunderheids, bawheeds, nuggets, numpties, dobbers, fuds-
INTERVIEWER
A-ha-ha-ha, yes, I think we get the gist.
NESSIE
Cocoa! Help ma Boab!
INTERVIEWER
It keeps you warm.
NESSIE
Dae yer ken whit keeps yer warm? Whiskey!
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, I don’t have any wh-
NESSIE
Ah dae! A've bin stockpiling it fur centuries. Ah hud a few tae many lest night. Ah’m still bladdered! Totally oot the game!
INTERVIEWER
Well I don’t think we should be drinking whiskey -
NESSIE
Stoap talkin shite! It’s medicine against th’ dreich!
INTERVIEWER
Ah… Are… aren’t those beer glasses?
NESSIE
Ay. Just a wee dram…
SOUND OF POURING. IT CONTINUES FOR A LOOOONG TIME.
NESSIE
'Ere ye go! What aboot those twa lassies?
JOEY AND SALVATORE
(TREMBLING VOICES) Sì grazie…
NESSIE
What's wrong wi’ ye? Ye gab funny. Learn ta gab English!
MORE POURING.
NESSIE
Here's tae us! Slàinte!
INTERVIEWER
Cheers.
THEY REACT TO THE VERY STRONG WHISKEY, COUGHING AND BREATHING.
NESSIE
Ah! Pure dead brilliant! Ah cud coorie doon in a corner fur a crakin' snooze…
INTERVIEWER
That would be nice, but we have business to discuss…
NESSIE
Dae we?
INTERVIEWER
The reason we trekked all the way out here Nessie! You said you needed our help.
NESSIE
Jings! Ye'r right! Sorry, ah’m blootered an can’e stoap havering! Och aye the noo! Let’s stoap footering aboot, get off our bahookies and get doon tae it.
INTERVIEWER
What a good idea.
- AD BREAK -
INTERVIEWER
Why don’t you tell me your story Nessie.
NESSIE
Mah story?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. We ask all our clients to tell us their story.
NESSIE
Och, whaur wid ye lik' me tae stairt?
INTERVIEWER
Oh. The beginning?
NESSIE
Urr ye sure?
INTERVIEWER
It tends the best place to start.
NESSIE
A’richt. In 565 AD -
INTERVIEWER
Oh god.
NESSIE
…those doaty picts cam tae settle ‘ere.
INTERVIEWER
Uhm -
NESSIE
One night, as black as th’ Earl o’ Hell's waiscoat -
INTERVIWER
I’m sure it was, but -
NESSIE
…an Irish monk wi’ a face like a skelped erse comes alang-
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, sorry, Nessie, did you say 565 AD?
NESSIE
Aye.
INTERVIEWER
You know what, why don’t you just cut to the chase…
NESSIE
Dae yi'll waant me tae skip tae th’ seventh century?
INTERVIEWER
No, no I, no I don’t. Please. Just tell me what the problem is.
NESSIE
Folks are such dunderheids is wha’ the’ problem is. Half o' them dumbfucks say ah dinnae exist, th’ other half hunt me doon wi' nets n’ hooks, n’ tak' unflattering picters o' me. First thay invade mah privacy, an’ publish picters o' me all ower th' world wi'oot mah consent, then they laugh in mah face 'n' tell me ah'ament real. It’s adding insult tae injury is whit it is! Mak' up yer mynd yer git balls!
INTERVIEWER
Well - you could just come out of the Loch and settle the matter once and for all.
NESSIE
What more cameras an' attention an' feckin' Japanese toorists? Ah wood raither suck Alex Salmond's tossel!
INTERVIEWER
Ugh…
NESSIE
A' those keyrings 'n' bumper stickers 'n' cuddly toys, which look naethin’ like me by th' wey! Na! if ah cam oot those doaty dobbers wid build a tacky theme pairk 'n' pat me in a cage richt in th' middle o' it. A'm awready lining th' pockets o' th' scots economy as it is, and ah dinnae git ti sae muckle as a thenk ye!
INTERVIEWER
So you want to disappear?
NESSIE
Aye. Bit first thay need tae think a'm deid.
INTERVIEWER
I understand that you want to disappear, but why the need to fake your death? Can't you just vanish from the Loch? Nobody will ever now you're gone, or that you were there in the first place.
NESSIE
What 'n' let those scabby sceptics think thay wur right a' alang?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
NESSIE
That ah dinnae exist?
INTERVIEWER
Yes!
NESSIE
Nae ower mah deid body! Ah want tae wipe th' smug smile frae thier faces!
INTERVIEWER
So you want to prove you’re real and disappear?
NESSIE
Aye!
INTERVIEWER
Making you disappear is going to be exceptionally difficult.
NESSIE
And what's that suppose tae mean?
INTERVIEWER
Well, eh… it’s just that you’re very… ehm… big.
OUTRAGED SPLASHING.
JOEY AND SALVATORE
Whoooooooooooooooooooo!
INTERVIEWER
Wait, wait, so, so, Nessie, please, steady! Steady! Steady!
NESSIE
Ur ye sayin' a'm a pie-eater?
INTERVIEWER
I’m… I’m… I’m… sure you’re perfectly well proportioned for a lady of your… um… your species… it’s just… um… you’re going to be difficult to disguise you know?
NESSIE
No.
INTERVIEWER
Well you’re… you’re… I mean… You’re… You’re…
NESSIE
Ah use disguise a' th' time.
INTERVIEWER
You do?
NESSIE
How else dae ye think ah git tae th' village oan a Friday night?
INTERVIEWER
And they don’t, um, notice you?
NESSIE
By seven oan a Friday nigh' everybody in Drumnadrochit is bladdered. Thay wouldn't be surprised tae see a herd o' poofy elephants oan motorbikes.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. Friday evening it is then! Friday we’re getting you out of here! We’ll hire a truck.
NESSIE
Whaur wull ye tak' me?
INTERVIEWER
To Kozłowski. Our surgeon.
NESSIE
Ah'ament huvin surgery!
INTERVIEWER
Oh of course not! Kozłowski will just study you to create as faithful a replica as possible. We have a contact at Edinburgh Zoo’s Pathology Lab. We’ll get him to send an elephant carcass to work with.
NESSIE
What? A wee elephant?
INTERVIEWER
Several elephants. Several elephants and a rhinoceros. If we’re lucky he can throw in a hippo. Kozłowski will be able to stitch something together. We’ll leave the replica washed up near Urquhart Castle. Once it’s found the world’s press will be there. I’ll record the experts eating humble pie and send you the tapes. It’ll be fun.
NESSIE LAUHGS.
NESSIE
Tak' that boaby suckers!
INTERVIEWER
What about your reappearance? Shall we find you another Loch? A nice peaceful one, without monster hunters and a tourist industry?
NESSIE
A’ve hud enough o' th' cauld! A'm waantin' tae gang somewhere taps aff!
INTERVIEWER
The Gulf of Honduras, the Adriatic, the Mediterranean, the Argentine Sea?
NESSIE
Eechie ochie! So long as I escape this dreich!
INTERVIEWER
But won’t you miss… um… this?
NESSIE
This shit hole?
INTERVIEWER
You seem so… Scottish.
NESSIE
Me? Na. Ah see masell as a citizen o' th' world.
INTERVIEWER
You won’t miss the, um, what was it, cock-a-leekie?
NESSIE
I’ll tak’ some Cullen Skink, a few boatles o' Whiskey an’ th’ Proclaimers Greatest Hits. I’ll be able to dream o’ bonnie Scootlund if e’er I want to, but mostly ah think ah will be glad tae be rid o' th' damn place.
INTERVIEWER
Well, in that case, the only thing we still need to discuss is payment…
NESSIE
Ah can pay yer in Whiskey!
INTERVIEWER
I was hoping you were going to say that! You said you’ve been hoarding it for-
NESSIE
Mah auldest boatle is from 1845.
INTERVIEWER
(WHISTLES) That will do very nicely Nessie!
NESSIE
Let's hae anither tap up shall we? Ah’m dyin o’ drouth!
INTERVIEWER
Well, I think the occasion calls for it.
POURING.
NESSIE
Here's tae us!
EVERYONE
Slàinte!
CLINK.
THE INTERVIEWER DRINKS AND COUGHS FROM THE STRENGTH OF THE WHISKEY.
NESSIE
Ahhhhhh!
INTERVIEWER
Aw it burns! Ah! Ah!
NESSIE
Beautiful that. Beautiful…
INTERVIEWER
Oh! Cocoa! Cocoa now!
THEIR VOICES TRAIL OFF AS THE THEME TUNE KICKS IN.
PHILIP
Do you want to hear Nessie call The Amelia Project again from her new hideaway? Well, by becoming a patron, you can do just that. And you’ll also be helping us keeping the show alive. Go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast, that’s P A T R E O N DOT COM SLASH AMELIAPODCAST to make your pledge and access bonus content.
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Gemma Arrowsmith as Nessie, Gianluca Iumiento as Joey, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Benjamin Noble as agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as agent Cole and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone.
A big bubble-blowing thank you to Soundly for supporting the show and sponsoring us with sound effects. Thanks to Fool and Scholar productions for sponsoring this episode,
(THANKS TO KATHI SINDERLAR IN GERMAN), thank you to Battlebird Productions for helping us record the episode and simply for being some of the friendliest and coolest people in podcasting, and thank you to all our listeners and fans for leaving reviews, tweeting about the show, and spreading the word. We’d also like to give a shout out to our listener and new patron Nikko who has set up an Amelia Discord server where you can discuss theories about the latest episode, share cocoa recipes or simply hang out with a community of Amelia fans. It’s an independent fan run server, but Nikko has our full support and we’ll share the link to the Discord on our website. Simply go to ameliapodcast.com, click on news and then blog, and we’ll post the link there. You can also find it on Twitter and Facebook. Stay tuned for the epilogue and see you back soon.
EPILOGUE
NORTHCOTT
WHAT????!!!!!!
COLE
It’s true. The tape’s right there.
NORTHCOTT
IT’S A HOAX!!!
HAINES
We’ve just checked with Edinburgh Zoo’s pathology lab and get this: last week three elephant carcasses really did go missing!
COLE
Kozlowski is probably stitching them together as we speak!
NORTHCOTT
YOU THINK WE SHOULD SEND THE NAVY TO GO MONSTER HUNTING IN THE CARIBBEAN????!!!!
COLE
I think that might be-
NORTHCOTT
I WAS JOKING!!!!!!!
HAINES
So far, they’ve given us solid intelligence. Bartholomew disappeared just like they said he would.
NORTHCOTT
MONSTERS IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE!!! GIVE ME THAT FILE!
HAINES
There’s the police report about the missing elephants in there, and a document from the Loch Ness Research Centre detailing all the sightings from the last four decades. I’ve marked up a map with the most seclusive spots in the Caribbean from which they could conceivably-
A SHREDDER.
COLE
What are you doing?! We spent the whole night-
NORTHCOTT
ARE THERE ANY COPIES OF THIS?
COLE
No. Nancy’s away and… and the copier doesn’t like me.
NORTHCOTT
WELL THANK FUCK. CAN YOU EVEN BEGIN TO IMAGINE WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF ANYONE FOUND OUT YOU ACTUALLY SPENT RESOURCES ON THIS??!!
HAINES
You want us to just… heh… forget about it?
NORTHCOTT
I WANT THIS WHOLE AMELIA THING WRAPPED UP IN THE NEXT THREE DAYS!
HAINES
But there’s so much more to-
NORTHCOTT
YOU’VE GOT THREE DAYS, THEN WE SEND IN A TEAM AND BUST THEM. WE’VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH!
HAINES
Who knows how many deaths they’ve faked? Who knows how many Amelia clients are out there?
NORTHCOTT
YETI?! BIGFOOT?! THE ROSWELL ALIEN?!
COLE
Well, it wouldn’t surprise me in the least -
HAINES
What we’re trying to say is that once their clients know we’ve busted them, we’ll be on the back foot. You know, they can go into hiding… Change identities again… Shouldn’t we find out who all the clients are first?
NORTHCOTT
THREE DAYS. NOW GET OUT OF MY OFFICE YOU GULLIBLE NINCOMPOOPS!
HAINES
But-
NORTHCOTT
NOW!!!!!!!!
COLE AND HAINES LEAVE NORTHCOTT’S OFFICE. THE DOOR CLOSES BEHIND THEM.
HAINES
Well that went well.
COLE
Hm. I’ve never been called a nincompoop before.
HAINES
Right. Back to the office. Quick. We don’t have much time and we have to get through as many tapes as possible.
COLE
Huh. Just three more days…
HAINES
Three more days…
THEY SCURRY DOWN THE CORRIDOR.
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.
END OF EPISODE