EPISODE 19 - COLE
(THE BEEPING SETS IN, ANSWERPHONE BEEPS ON)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project.
(THE TONE OF VOICE IS NOT THE USUAL, PRE-RECORDED MESSAGE, INSTEAD IT’S WHISPERED) This phone call isn’t happening.
(FIRM) If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
Still there?
Cole?
(FIRM) Cole?
(SING-SONG) Cole?
(PAUSE)
Do we really have to go through the answerphone message again? You must know it off by heart by now.
(SIGH) Oh alright.
(ANNOYED) So, you’ve got nothing to lose? Is there anything binding you to your current life? If you hesitated, do not proceed.
This phone call isn’t happening.
This phone call isn’t happening.
This phone call isn’t happening.
(PAUSE)
Cole?
COLE
(QUIETLY) How do you know that it’s me?
VOICE
(AMUSED)Who else wears pink satin pyjamas?
(SINGS)
Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he,
He called for his pipe, and he called for his bowl,
And he called for his fiddlers three.
COLE
(FORCED) Stop that! Stop… singing!
VOICE
What you have heard is true. We can make it happen. We are your escape route.
COLE
(TERRIFIED) That’s what I need! I need to escape!
NORTHCOTT
(SCREAMING) NO YOU DON’T! YOU NEED TO GET YOUR ASS OUT OF BED AND GET TO WORK! YOU’RE LATE!
COLE
(CLOSE TO TEARS) I- I can’t! I- I’m a prisoner here! I need help!
VOICE
Good choice. A new life awaits. You will hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, well frankly, you’re screwed.
Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP, WHILE IN THE BACKGROUND A RUSHING RISES UP)
COLE
(PLEADING, TERRIFIED) You have to help me! I’m trapped in a nightmare! I can’t wake up! (VERY QUIETLY) Help!
(BEEP)
(THE AMELIA THEME SETS IN FROM THE RUSHING, BUT IS CUT SHORT BY AN IPHONE ALARM)
THE INTERVIEW
(RUSTLING OF A BLANKET, COLE SITS UP WITH A START. IN THE FOLLOWING CONVERSATION, A LOT OF BITS BY EVERYONE EXCEPT COLE SOUND FAMILIAR TO US IN PHRASING AND/OR TONE OF VOICE, AS IF WE HEARD THEM BEFORE…?)
COLE
Thank God.
INTERVIEWER
Would you like some cocoa?
(COLE YELPS IN SURPRISE)
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that, was that a yes?
COLE
This- this can’t be happening!
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
COLE
Is- Is that really you?
INTERVIEWER
(FLATLY) No. It’s my evil twin, Gustaf.
COLE
I’m not here! Non- none of this is true! It can’t be!
INTERVIEWER
You seem rattled. What you need is a nice cup of cocoa. (TO THE INTERCOM) Salvatore! Two cocoas please! (BACK TO COLE) Now. Henry Cole is it? What brings you to Amelia?
(DOOR GETS KICKED OR THROWN OPEN)
SALVATORE
Don’t talk to him!
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore - where is our cocoa?
SALVATORE
Don’t talk to him.
INTERVIEWER
Whyever not?
SALVATORE
(SPEAKS ITALIAN, WE ONLY UNDERSTAND THE WORD MI5)
INTERVIEWER
Salvatore tells me you’ve been spying on us? Is this true?
COLE
No! Of course not!
NORTHCOTT
IT’S NOT?! WHAT DO I PAY YOU FOR THEN YOU (CURSEWORD)
COLE
(FRIGHTENED) Northcott!
INTERVIEWER
Who is Northcott?
COLE
This- This is a nightmare
INTERVIEWER
Relax, you’re just having a bad day!
COLE
No, I mean - literally!
INTERVIEWER
You think you’re having a nightmare… right now?
COLE
I think so?
INTERVIEWER
Oh dear! What’s it about?
COLE
My boss, Northcott, you and … uh, Salvatore
(SALVATORE GROWLS IN THE DISTANCE)
INTERVIEWER
Don’t be offended, Salvatore…
SALVATORE
I’m going to teach that little snitch a lesson, (CURSES IN ITALIAN)
COLE
How can I be dreaming in Italian?! I don’t speak Italian?!
VENERIO (FLOATING)
Forse non è vero italiano?
(A LOUD, MENACING LAUGH THAT FADES INTO THE DISTANCE, COLE FLINCHES AND SHIVERS)
COLE
Venerio! Where did you come from?! Get out of my dream! You give me the creeps!
VENERIO
Non è un sogno. E 'un incubo!
(COLE CRIES OUT IN TERROR, VENERIO’S LAUGH FADES INTO THE DISTANCE AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
Now now now… This will calm you down. Cocoa from Le Deux Magots…
(POURING)
It will rinse out the fear, and fill you with warm, sweet bliss.
(PUTS DOWN CUPS)
Ready?
(SIPPING)
(HORRIFIED) Ugh! What’s this?!
COLE
It’s instant coffee.
INTERVIEWER
(DISGUSTED) Ugh! It’s a nightmare!
COLE
So now you believe me?
INTERVIEWER
It’s just… It’s very unusual. We’ve never helped a client escape from a nightmare before.
COLE
Can you do it?
INTERVIEWER
At Amelia, we can do anything.
COLE
Oh, thank- thank goodness!
INTERVIEWER
But first we need to make sure this really is a dream.
COLE
And how do we do that?
INTERVIEWER
Jump over the moon.
COLE
(DISBELIEVING CHUCKLE) What?
INTERVIEWER
Go on. Just do it. One, two, three!
(WHOOSH OF COLE ROCKETING THROUGH THE CEILING, WIND, THE OOOOH-EEEEE-OOOOOH OF A THEREMIN, THEN HE CRASHES BACK TO EARTH)
COLE
(LAUGHING IN AMAZEMENT) That felt amazing.
INTERVIEWER
That proves it. You are definitely dreaming. How long have you been dreaming?
COLE
I- I don’t know! I’ve lost track of time!
MELISSA
We have to stop thinking of time as this rigid thing that only goes in one direction. It’s less of a river and more of a landscaped car park with a Minoan temple and a petting zoo.
COLE
Me- Melissa?
MELISSA
Hello!
COLE
Just who I need! Can we jump forward in time to when this is all over?
MELISSA
(SMACKS HER LIPS) Certainly!
(WHOOSH OF AIR)
HAINES
I knew it! Finally something we can take to Northcott! This is it Cole! We’ve struck gold! Wake up and smell the coffee! And I’m not talking Waitrose instant!
COLE
(QUIETLY) Really?
HAINES
Northcott’s going to install the fanciest espresso machine money can buy right here in our office once she hears about this!
COLE
(WHISPERING) Melissa - I’m lost! I don’t have any context… I have no idea what he is talking about
MELISSA
(WHISPERING) Welcome to my world!
COLE
(WHISPERING) Actually, can we just go back? This is too confusing…
MELISSA
(WHISPERING) Very well!
(WHOOSH OF AIR)
INTERVIEWER
-Pomegranate!
COLE
What?
INTERVIEWER
(OFFENDED) Are you even listening to me?!
COLE
Sorry, I just think I… nodded off?
INTERVIEWER
How can you nod off?! This is already a dream!
COLE
I- I don’t know! You said you could make me disappear from this nightmare! You can make it stop…?
INTERVIEWER
Hm… If by letting you escape you continue spying on us, maybe I should just leave you here.
COLE
I will do whatever you want! Impede the investigation, lead them to a false trail, anything, (DESPERATE) just get me out of here!
INTERVIEWER
Hmm. I’m going to have to put this to a group vote. Everyone into my office please!
(MULTIPLE PLOPPING-SOUNDS AS ‘EVERYONE’ APPEARS IN THE OFFICE)
Cole, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Cole. He’s been spying on us. What should we do with him?
LUKE
We should punish him. We could strap a cage with one open side against his body and fill it with rats. I could hold a blow-torch against the cage so the rats will want to escape the heat. In order to do so they’ll have to burrow through his body.
INTERVIEWER
What a lovely idea Luke. Thanks for your input. (HOPEFUL) Anybody else?
NESSIE
Rats ur tae guid fur ‘at tallywasher. Whit yi'll need ur bagpipes!
ALEX
(CREEPILY) Or I could put him through my wood chipper…
(THEY ALL SPEAK OVER EACH OTHER NOW)
LUKE
Come on guys! Rats!
NESSIE
Bagpipes!
ALEX
Woodchipper!
ALVINA
Oh how about I pepper spray him!
LUKE
Okay, okay compromise. We impale him on a sharp pole and let him slide down by his own weight. While he does so, we flick him with molten silver.
INTERVIEWER
What do you think Bob?
BOB
(QUIETLY) I don’t really know…?
(EVERYONE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
INTERVIEWER
You know, I don’t care what they say Cole, I’m going to help you. Out you all go!
(EVERYONE PLOPS OUT AND AWAY)
COLE
Really? You’ll help me.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
COLE
Why?
INTERVIEWER
Because at Amelia we like to do the unexpected.
COLE
Thank you so mu-
INTERVIEWER
Grab an ocarina.
COLE
What?
INTERVIEWER
Bit like a recorder, twelve holes, easy to play.
COLE
I know what an ocarina is.
INTERVIEWER
You want the purple or the turquoise one?
COLE
Yellow.
INTERVIEWER
Great choice. We’ll play on three right?
COLE
Wait! What are we playing?
INTERVIEWER
One, two, three!
(THEY IMPROVISE ON THE OCARINAS. VERY RANDOM AT FIRST, THEN BOTH SETTLING INTO SOMETHING VAGUELY RESEMBLING A MELODY)
Okay, we’ve established you can play the ocarina. Before I can help you disappear from your dream, we’re going to have to interpret it. Here’s what we will do: I’ll say some words, and you reply immediately without thinking. Okay?
COLE
Okay…
INTERVIEWER
Life
COLE
Death.
INTERVIEWER
Dog.
COLE
Cat.
INTERVIEWER
Tree
COLE
Earth.
INTERVIEWER
Pomegrante
COLE
What?
INTERVIEWER
Pomegrante
COLE
Ugh, Kiwi?
INTERVIEWER
Bean.
COLE
Chocolate.
INTERVIEWER
Very good. Sleep?
COLE
Dream.
INTERVIEWER
Fire?
COLE
Devil.
INTERVIEWER
Gun?
COLE
Death.
INTERVIEWER
Mask?
COLE
Death
INTERVIEWER
Car?
COLE
Death
INTERVIEWER
Daffodil
COLE
(HESITANT) Death.
INTERVIEWER
Would you like a cigar?
COLE
Yes please!
INTERVIEWER
Interesting.
CECIL (SINGS)
A pickax and a spade, a spade,
For and a shrouding sheet,
Oh, a pit of clay for to be made
For such a guest is meet.
INTERVIEWER
Oh look! It’s Cecil the gagging gravedigger! Welcome Cecil!
CECIL
A man is shaving with a straight-edged razor when it drops out of his hand and lobs off his penis. He picks it up, stuffs it in his pocket, hails a taxi and tells the driver to bring him straight to A&E. at the the hospital the surgeon says “we’re going to have to work fast, give me your penis.” The man reaches into his pocket and deposits the contents into the surgeon’s hand. “But this is a cigar” says the surgeon. “Oh my good” says the man, I must have smoked my penis in the taxi!”
COLE (LAUGHS)
That was good! Tell another one.
CECIL
Sorry. Very busy. Got a grave to dig.
(A RAVEN CRAWS, SOUNDS OF SHOVEL, ARE WE OUTSIDE?)
Can I take your measurements?
COLE
What? No! Not me… I don’t die. Not yet!
VENERIO (FLOATING)
Yes you do. At twelve twenty sharp.
COLE
Twelve twenty? What’s the time now?
HAINES
Time to wake up, I can’t get through the tapes on my own!
COLE
Am- Am I waking up?
INTERVIEWER
We’re working on it Haines.
HAINES
You. You’ll br behind bars soon.
INTERVIEWER
I like Mars bars, but I’m even more fond to Maltesers.
(CRUNCH)
Would you like a Malteser, Cole?
COLE
Yes please.
(STATIC RISES UP IN THE BACKGROUND,UNDERLINING THE INTERVIEWER’S WORDS WITH A MYSTERIOUS AFTERTASTE)
INTERVIEWER
You take the blue Malteser and the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red Malteser, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.
COLE
Can I have the yellow one?
INTERVIEWER
Great choice.
(CRUNCH)
COLE
Woooooooooooooooow. What’s happening?
(ORGAN MUSIC SETS IN AND GOES ON IN THE BACKGROUND)
NESSIE
We ur gathered 'ere th'day, fae different places, 'n' at different stages o' oor journey thro' life, in order tae pay oor lest respects 'n' bid a sad bit fond farewell tae- Sorry whit wis yer name?
INTERVIEWER
His name is Cole, Henry Cole.
COLE
(WHISPERING VERY LOUDLY) I’m not having Nessie officiate my funeral. Don’t we have a proper priest?
INTERVIEWER
We do have a priest! Zale Indigo Ravenheart. Archpriest of the Apostles of Antithon. Zale. Would you mind?
ZALE
It would be an honour.
(HE CLEARS HIS THROAT)
There is life and there is death. They are not opposites. They are complimentary. One gives rise to the other. Without one, the other does not exist. There are no opposites. Opposites are illusions.
VENERIO (FLOATING)
No day without night.
INTERVIEWER
No dreams without nightmares.
ZALE
No earth without Antithon.
(DOOP OPENS AND FALLS CLOSED)
TARA
Sorry are we late?
LILY
It’s just we had to doggy paddle down the Thames, burrow beneath Westminster and sack race down Regent’s Street to get here.
ZALE
Everything exists in pairs and the pairs exist simultaneously. The last breath contains within it the first breath. The first holds the seed of the last. They are the same. The first act of life is inhalation. The baby cries and everyone laughs. The final act of life is exhalation. A woman closes her eyes and everyone cries.
NESSIE
That's pure dead brilliant Zale! Aam wellin' up…
(CRIES, A LOT OF WATER FALLS LIKE A WATERFALL)
INTERVIEWER
Stop crying Nessie! Your tears are too big! We’re all going to drown! Nessie! Nessie! Stop!
AMBER
Someone make that monster stop crying, please!
TARA
We’re going under!
INTERVIEWER
Nessie!
VENERIO (FLOATING)
The day Venice goes under is the day I die…
INTERVIEWER
Play something cheerful, we need to lighten the mood and stop Nessie crying!
(THE ORGAN CHANGES. BIG SPLOSHING MONSTER TEARS)
ALVINA
Get Cecil to tell another joke!
INTERVIEWER
Bob! Say something, anything!
TARA
Watch out Lily!
LILY
Ooh! I’m soaked!
AMBER
This can’t be happening! This can’t be real!
PERCY
Of course not, it’s fictional, I thought we established that by now!
ZALE
There comes a big-
VENERIO
This is it! This is the end!
(SPLOSH! SPLOSH! SPLOSH!)
PERCY
Guys. It’s just pretend.
ZALE, VENERIO, PHIL, AMBER
Woooooooooooooooooooooooo.
(SOUND OF THEM BEING SWEPT AWAY)
INTERVIEWER
Todeloooooooooooo
(TRAILS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE)
HAINES
Cole?
COLE
(MUFFLED) Yes
HAINES
Cole! Wake up!
COLE
You mean…? We’re…? How long have I been sleeping?
HAINES
(CHUCKLES) A good hour.
COLE
Really? What’s the time?
HAINES
2am.
COLE
Why are we still at the office?
HAINES
Uh… You really don’t remember?
COLE
(CHUCKLES) I… My mind is kind of a blur…
HAINES
We’ve got two more days to listen to all these tapes and read all these case files.
(HE GIVES THE BOX OF TAPES A SHAKE AND PUTS A BOX ON THE TABLE)
COLE
We’ve barely scratched the surface!
HAINES
Northcott doesn’t care.
COLE
Is it just me or do you think the box isn’t getting any emptier? It’s almost like the tapes are multiplying!
HAINES
There are lots more secrets. Shall we crack on?
(COLE YAWNS)
HAINES
Hey, you need to throw some caffeine at your brain.
(HE FLICKS ON THE KETTLE)
COLE
Yeah. Coffee would be good.
(WE HEAR HAINES SCRAPE NESCAFE INTO A CUP. COLE RUMMAGES AROUND THE TAPES)
COLE
Maybe we should split the tapes between the two of us. Get through them quicker. We brief each other on anything important.
HAINES
We just tried that. You fell asleep.
COLE
Oh.
HAINES
Ah, this should wake you up! I emptied the whole jar of nescafe-
(HE WALKS ACROSS THE OFFICE TO COLE, THEN TRIPS, HE GRABS HOLD OF THE TABLE AND UPTURNS THE BOX, SENDING TAPES FLYING.)
Fuck! Fuck fuckity fuck fuck.
COLE
Are you okay?
HAINES
The tapes, are they ok?
COLE
Don’t worry. It’s not like they were ordered. They were all jumbled anyway.
HAINES
Ah shit - What about the case files? Any coffee stains? Oh shit!
(COLE IS SCOOPING UP THE TAPES AND FILES AND PUTTING THEM BACK INTO THE BOX, HAINES WIPES THE FLOOR)
COLE
It’s alright Haines. Nothing seems to be too badly- huh!
HAINES
(SCARED) What? Have I damaged evidence?
COLE
That’s weird.
HAINES
What Cole, what?
COLE
Come and look at this.
(STEPS)
Why is that in the box?
HAINES
…Papyrus?
COLE
With hieroglyphs.
HAINES
How odd.
COLE
Am I still dreaming?
HAINES
(URGENTLY) Cole, go call the British Museum right now.
COLE
What?
HAINES
We need an Egyptologist.
COLE
You’re asking me to get an Egyptologist at 2am in the morning? I’m definitely still dreaming.
HAINES
You’re not dreaming Cole! If this is what I think it is…
COLE
Yes?
HAINES
Just get on the phone to the museum, okay? ASAP.
COLE
Can I wake up now? Can I wake up now? Can I wake up now?
(COLES LINES ECHO INTO THE DISTANCE THE AMELIA THEME KICKS IN)
CREDITS
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and Sound Design by Fredrik Baden. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Torgny G. Aanderaa as Cole, Gemma Arrowsmith as Nessie and Northcott, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Mario Vernazza as Venerio, as Melissa, Benjamin Noble as Haines, Michael Smulik as Luke, James Oliva as Alex, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Modou Bah as Bob, Glyn Phillips as Cecil, Dave Moskin as Zale, Fiona Thraille as Tara, Sarah Golding as Lily, Tom Middler as Percy and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions, it was recorded at Battle Bird Productions and Bridge Writing Studios in London, Spike City Studios and NSI Lydproduksjon in Oslo and TonGeber Studies in Vienna. All graphic design for The Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to Hedley Knights and Gabriel Geber for Studio Engineering and Thank You to our whole team of fabulous actors who came back for Cameos. We hope this episode makes you want to go back and revisit some of the older cases again. And speaking of older cases, have you ever wondered what Agent Cole and Agent Haines made of the clients in Season One? Well, for this week’s patreon bonus, we are exploring just that. We are releasing a special minisode called ‘That kind of case’ in which we go back and catch up with Cole and Haines pre Season 2. You can listen to that by becoming a patron, just go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast (...) to make your pledge. It allows you to enjoy the Amelia Project to the full, and it allows us to rent studios, pay our actors, and keep making the show. All 20$ Patrons get a special shoutout in the credits, in a language of their choosing. And today’s shoutout is in Welsh! Here it goes [WELSH SHOUTOUT] Thanks for listening! And happy nightmares…
END OF EPISODE