EPISODE 20 - CLEO
PHILIP
Warning: this episode contains nudity. Listener discretion is advised…
PROLOGUE
HAINES
Thank you for coming so quickly.
ANNA
It's not every day you get a call from MI5 at four in the morning!
JOHN (YAWNS)
Will you tell us what this is all about now?
HAINES
Just waiting for my partner, actually. He's uhm, popped across the road to get us some breakfast. Should be back any
(COLE COMES IN)
COLE
Bacon rolls and four americanos!
ANNA
Ooh, I need coffee!
JOHN
I could murder a bacon roll!
ANNA (SIPS)
Ah. Thank you.
HAINES
Least we can do for dragging you out of bed. Now, before we continue, this is highly confidential, you understand?
ANNA & JOHN (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Yes.
HAINES
Your lips are sealed?
JOHN
Like a pharaoh's tomb.
HAINES
Good. What can you tell me...
(REACHES INTO BOX, RUSTLE OF PAPYRUS)
about this.
(ANNA CHOKES ON HER COFFEE)
ANNA
(COUGHING) Oh my god!
JOHN
Where did you get this?
HAINES
Is it real?
COLE (TO HIMSELF)
A dream. Definitely still a dream.
ANNA
Looks like this is from the late Hellenistic period, probably about twenty to thirty BC.
HAINES
(SOFTLY) I see. Can you read it?
ANNA
Sure. But first we have to remove this mud. Papyrus scrolls were often cased in mud in order to protect
COLE
(CHUCKLES) Uhm, no, that's coffee.
JOHN
What?!
ANNA
You spilled coffee on- Do you have any idea how valuable this is?!
HAINES
(IMPATIENT) Go on! What does it say?
JOHN (READING)
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Brotherhood of the Phoenix.
ANNA
This meeting isn’t happening.
HAINES
(MUMBLING)If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
JOHN
Good lord! How did you know?!
ANNA
It says "leave now", not "hang up."
JOHN
Still!
ANNA
You can read hieroglyphs?
HAINES
Nah. Just a lucky guess.
JOHN
I've never seen anything like this. It's not an epistle, poem or funerary text. It's written almost like a... a play! What do you think, Anna?
ANNA
I think it's a transcript.
JOHN
A transcript?
ANNA
A transcript of a meeting between two people.
JOHN
Yes. Yes! That must be it!
ANNA
So if this was taken down by a scribe...
JOHN (CON’T)
...we're dealing with someone wealthy or educated...
ANNA
A priest, doctor or nobleman...
HAINES
Would you mind reading it out?
JOHN
Of course. I'll keep reading the person making the mysterious threat. Anna can you read- Anna? Anna! What's up?
ANNA
John! You know who this is right?
(INTRO MUSIC SLOWLY STARTS UP IN THE BACKGROUND AS HE READS)
JOHN (READING)
Weret nebet neferu akhet seh!
COLE
Excuse me?!
JOHN
Oh my God!
COLE
Please tell me this is still a dream!
HAINES
Shut up Cole. Who is it? Who?
JOHN
(EXCITED) It's Cleopatra!
HAINES
Holy mother of - !
(THE AMELIA THEME CRASHES IN. EGYPTIAN VERSION)
INTRO
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 20 - Cleo
THE INTERVIEW
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Client 50 drowned in the Nile, client 51 kicked by a camel, client 52 suffocated in a sandstorm, client 53 sealed into a sarcophagus- Are you keeping up? I want you to write down everything I say. Client 54 felled by an obelisk, client 55-
(RUFFLE OF CLOTH)
Did you see that?! That roll of carpet just moved! Did you- You don't have to write that down. When I said write everything down I didn't- Oh never mind, where were we? Client 55-
(RUFFLE OF CLOTH)
That roll of carpet definitely moved! There's someone hiding in it!
ANNA / CLEO
(HIGH-PITCHED) Surprise!
(CLEO LAUGHS HEARTILY)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Well dip me in honey and call me a mummy!
ANNA/CLEO
Didn't see that coming did you?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
My Queen!
ANNA / CLEO
Call me Cleo.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Why were you hiding in a roll of carpet my Qu... Cleo?
ANNA / CLEO
When I pulled the carpet prank on Caesar, he was so surprised he spilled his goblet and choked on a grape!
(LAUGHS AGAIN. THEN CALMS HERSELF DOWN.)
But I’m here for a serious matter. I hear you're the best in the business.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
We are. Welcome to our offices. Can I get you anything? (ALMOST MYSTERIOUS) Some wine perhaps? Dates? A bowl of figs?
ANNA / CLEO
Do you have … (EQUALLY MYSTERIOUS) a bath?
(PAUSE)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(FLATLY) A bath?
ANNA / CLEO
I’m rather dusty from spending the morning inside a carpet.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
One moment.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(SHOUTS) Iovianus? Silvanus? Bring the bath in here, would you? (TO CLEO) It’s marble, but they're frightfully strong. They’re Romans.
ANNA / CLEO
Oh, and it has to be filled with donkey's milk.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(FLATLY) Donkey's milk?
ANNA / CLEO
Better for the skin.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Doesn’t it smell?
ANNA / CLEO
Oh, yes, it’s very stinky!
(SHE LAUGHS)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(STRUGGLING TO KEEP HIS COMPOSURE) Very well. Uhm- How- How many donkeys does it take to fill a bathtub?
ANNA / CLEO
Ooh, that sounds like a joke!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
It was a serious question.
ANNA / CLEO
Seven hundred.
(THE INTERVIEWER SWALLOWS. THEN WALKS ASIDE AND SHOUTS)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Silvanus? Fill the bath with donkey’s milk, would you? If you milk seven hundred donkeys that should do the trick!
BEAT.
So Cleo. What brings you here?
ANNA / CLEO
It's all so booooooooooooring.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Really? We're in the middle of a war!
ANNA / CLEO
You know how old I was when I seized the throne from my little brother?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Twenty?
ANNA / CLEO
Eighteen. Then he seized it back, I fled, seduced Caesar, and seized the throne back again.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(FLAT) Sounds thrilling!
ANNA / CLEO
Oh it was! But where do you go from there? Once you've poisoned your brother, seen your battle fleet wrecked in a storm, had your sister killed on the steps of a temple (LAUGHS) - that was a riot -, and got everybody to believe you’re the reincarnation of the goddess Isis, everything else starts to seem a bit, I don't know... pedestrian.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
But you're... the Queen!
ANNA / CLEO
These days that mostly means posing for coins and issuing tax decrees.(SING-SONG) Booooooring!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Well if there's one thing I really really really really really hate, it's boredom.
ANNA / CLEO
I’ve taken to poisoning prisoners, just for kicks.
(JOHN / INTERVIEWER AUDIBLY GULPS)
ANNA / CLEO
Then I founded The Inimitable Livers.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
A band?
ANNA / CLEO
A drinking club! We dress up as commoners and pull pranks on the citizens of Rome! Once Marc Anthony dressed as a centurion and ordered a farmer to do naughty things to a statue.
(LAUGHS)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Sounds like a lark.
ANNA / CLEO
(SUDDENLY SERIOUS AGAIN) It gets old.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
So let me guess. You want to fake your death for a laugh?
ANNA / CLEO
Oh, I've already done that.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
What?!
ANNA / CLEO
I sent Marc Anthony a letter saying I was dead, and he believed it!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
You didn't!
ANNA / CLEO
I did!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
How did he react?
ANNA / CLEO
He killed himself.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Well hump me like a camel! Marc Anthony is... dead?
ANNA / CLEO
Killed himself about an hour ago. It was tragic. But it was also kind of... (SHE SNIGGERS) ...funny!
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Funny?
ANNA / CLEO
Yes!
(CLEOPATRA CAN’T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE)
He threw himself on his sword!
(HER LAUGHTER ERUPTS)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
How dreadful!
ANNA / CLEO
No, no, but you see, he didn’t just die! He ran around shouting (MOCKINGLY) “ouch, ouch! I have a sword sticking out of my tummy!”
(HER LAUGHTER IS NEARLY UNSTOPPABLE. SHE CAN HARDLY SPEAK FOR LAUGHING)
Then he didn’t want to lie down and die, so, so he crawled all the way to my mausoleum, but he couldn’t get in because the entrance was guarded!
(WILD LAUGHTER. CALMS HERSELF JUST ENOUGH TO CONTINUE TELLING THE STORY)
So my maidens pull him up through the- through the back window with a rope, but the sword keeps knocking into the wall! And he’s like “ouch, ouch, ouch”!
(LAUGHS SO MUCH SHE CRIES. FINALLY SHE STOPS)
It was one of the funniest things I've ever experienced.
(SUDDENLY SERIOUS) But then he died, and that means now we're going to lose the war against Octavian.
(SNIGGERS)
Still, it was kind of worth it!
(LAST BATCH OF LAUGHTER AND WE’RE SUDDENLY BACK IN THE MI5 OFFICE)
COLE (INTERRUPTING)
I’m sorry, but would you mind toning it down a bit?
ANNA
What?
COLE
The acting.
ANNA
Why?
COLE
The laughing is a bit much.
ANNA
But it says here that she laughs.
COLE
Hm. It's just I've had a rough night and I've got the mother of all migraines. And- Anyway, how can you tell she's laughing?
ANNA
This is clearly the symbol for extreme merriment.
JOHN
It's not actually that clear cut. According to Wolfgang Helck, it could also be weeping.
HAINES
What?!
COLE
That would make a lot more sense!
ANNA
Oh come on! The context makes it obvious. She says it was one of the funniest things she's ever experienced. If she thinks it's funny, why would she be weeping?
JOHN
That's not so clear either. According to Selim Hassan, the hieroglyph fun, may actually be the symbol for … sadness…
COLE
How accurate is any of this? I mean, it's essentially just pictures, right?
HAINES
Cole, you're embarrassing yourself. These are the most distinguished experts in the country.
COLE
(UNCONVINCED) The most distinguished experts who were available at four in the morning and willing to work for a bacon roll and a cup of coffee.
HAINES
Cole! Sorry about him.
COLE
They're making it up as they go along! It's just guesswork!
JOHN
I mean there's always room for interpretation, but-
HAINES
Please. Continue. I thought you were doing an excellent job.
COLE (MUTTERS UNDER HIS BREATH)
Experts!
(EGYPT FADES BACK IN WE HEAR IOVIANUS AND SILVANUS PLODDING DOWN THE HALLWAY, HEAVING AN ENORMOUS MARBLE BATHTUB FILLED WITH MILK, CURSING)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Ah! It looks like your bath is ready! Thank you Iovianus and Silvanus.
(THEY LEAVE)
Well then Cleo. I’d better leave you to it.
ANNA / CLEO
No need.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
You're going to undress in front of me?
ANNA / CLEO
That’s more fun, isn’t it?
(SHE UNBUTTONS HER ROBE)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Holy Horus! I have to turn away. I shan’t look, I shan’t look.
ANNA / CLEO
Your loss.
(HER ROBE FALLS. SHE ENTERS THE BATH. GENTLE SPLASHING UNDER THE FOLLOWING)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER (HUMS TO DISTRACT HIMSELF)
Can I turn around again?
ANNA / CLEO
Yes. I’m all concealed by milk.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(DEEP SIGH) So. Where were we?
ANNA / CLEO
Octavian is about to march into Alexandria and kill me.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Ah, yes, that's right. Well, that should spice things up. You said you wanted your life to be less boring.
ANNA / CLEO
But I don't want my head cut off. I'm rather fond of my neckline.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
You came here in a carpet. Why don’t you just escape by carpet to somewhere else?
ANNA / CLEO
Octavian would come looking for me! The only way he'll leave me alone is if he believes I'm dead.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Well, you'll need more than a letter this time.
ANNA / CLEO
Which is why I need you!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
You've certainly proved you're Phoenix material.
ANNA / CLEO
(OFFENDED) You’ve been assessing me?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
That's what this interview is about.
ANNA / CLEO
(OFFENDED) That’s rather conceited of you isn’t it? I'm your Queen! I could chop your head off!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
That would rather defeat the object wouldn't it?
ANNA / CLEO
(DISAPPOINTED) I suppose.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
I'll help you Cleo, but first... we need some white Mareotic! (SHOUTS) Silvanus!
(SILVANUS ENTERS IMMEDIATELY AND SETS DOWN TWO GOBLETS)
ANNA / CLEO
That was quick! (DRINKS) It's nice.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Nice?
ANNA / CLEO
Did I say something wrong?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(UPSET) Do you call the Lighthouse of Alexandria “big”? You might as well say “The Decently Sized Pyramid of Giza” or the “Midget of Rhodes”? "Nice" Ha! This wine, comes straight from the Delta Vineyards. It’s as vibrant as the heartbeat of Bast and as sweet as a tear from the eye of Ra!
ANNA / CLEO
I shall drink it with reverence then.
(THEY DRINK AND SIGH)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
How's the bath working out for you?
ANNA / CLEO
The milk has gone sour.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Shall I get some water to rinse off the smell?
ANNA / CLEO
If you would.
(SHOUTS) Silvanus! A bowl of water!
(CLEO MOVES ABOUT IN THE BATH. GENTLE SPLASHING)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Now, let's get back to business. Does anybody know where you are?
ANNA / CLEO
No. Everybody thinks I’m still trapped in the mausoleum.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
That’s where your death should happen then. Do you have any wishes? We should choose a death fit for a Queen!
ANNA / CLEO
Fire!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Fire?
ANNA / CLEO
I’ve always loved fire. Do you remember the great fire in Alexandria eighteen years ago?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Of course! Caesar wanted to force his troops to fight harder, so he decided to destroy any hope of retreat. He set fire to his ships, and the fire spread to the city.
(CLEO SNIGGERS)
ANNA / CLEO
The harbor burned very easily what with all the scrolls in the library there!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
It was a tragedy.
ANNA / CLEO
(CLEARS THROAT AND GOES SERIOUS) Yes. Tragic! But also kind of... (SHE SNIGGERS) ...funny!
(SHE ERUPTS INTO LAUGHTER AGAIN)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Funny?!
ANNA / CLEO
You see, it wasn’t the ships that set fire to the library... It was me! The ships were the perfect cover, and Caesar got all the flak!
(SHE SPLASHES ABOUT IN THE MILK, LAUGHING, AND GETS MILK IN HER NOSE. SHE SNORTS)
Oh! I got milk in my nose!
(SILVANUS ENTERS CARRYING THE BOWL OF WATER)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(RELIEVED) Ah! Here comes Silvanus with the water!
(CLEOPATRA HAS CALMED DOWN AND COMES OUT OF THE BATH)
ANNA / CLEO
(SEDUCTIVELY) Servant, pour the water over me.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Oh dear. I'll turn around again.
(SILVANUS POURS THE WATER OVER CLEOPATRA AS THE INTERVIEWER HUMS TO HIMSELF)
ANNA / CLEO
Hand me my robes.
(WE HEAR SILVANUS PUT DOWN THE TRAY AND HAND HER THE ROBES. SILVANUS LEAVES)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Are you decent?
ANNA / CLEO
Never. But I am dressed.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Good. I think I've come up with a plan. One of your oil lamps falls over and sets fire to the carpet.
ANNA / CLEO
I’ll be rolled up in it?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
No, you'll just be reclining on it. Although it won’t really be you. We’ll find a corpse that shares your characteristics.
ANNA / CLEO
Someone as beautiful as me?! Good luck!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
After the corpse has burned to a crisp, the person's looks will be insignificant. We just need someone with a skeleton that matches your height and build. And that should be easy enough to find.
ANNA / CLEO
Then where will I go?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
For your new life? Do you have any preferences?
ANNA / CLEO
Ooh! Can I be a Satyr?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
A performer?
ANNA / CLEO
Yes! They are so funny! As a Satyr I could do anything! Disrupt public life, pull pranks, drink wine till I drop! I'll have no responsibilities and total freedom!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Satyres are all men.
ANNA / CLEO
I’ll dress like a man.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
You'd live off alms. Not exactly a Queen’s lifestyle...
ANNA / CLEO
Listen. I knew this was my last milk bath when I entered. I understand what this involves. I’ll be fine. And I’ll get to wear a massive phallus!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Very well. You'll burn to death and reappear as a Satyr! We'll start preparations right away! We should be good to go in under two hours. Cleo, it's a pleasure doing business with you. We’ll seal the deal with a glass of -
ANNA / CLEO
Wait a minute.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
What?
ANNA / CLEO
I’ve changed my mind.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(CAREFUL) About what?
ANNA / CLEO
The fire. I don’t like it.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(FIRM) Why not?
ANNA / CLEO
It’s boring.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
But you love fire?
ANNA / CLEO
I’ve gone off it.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(SUFFERING) Why?
ANNA / CLEO
Because it’s just a coincidence. “Cleopatra burned to death.” It’s just tragic. It’s not funny.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(DISBELIEVING) You want a funny death?
ANNA / CLEO
Yes.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Like what? Being sat on by a hippopotamus?
ANNA / CLEO
A bit unlikely in a mausoleum isn’t it?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
It would be funny to see your maids pull a hippopotamus up through the window.
ANNA / CLEO
I don't want it to be an accident though.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Pulling a hippopotamus through your window could hardly be described as an accident.
ANNA / CLEO
I mean my death. It needs to make a statement.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(SLOWLY) To whom?
ANNA / CLEO
Octavian. I want to show him I'm the master of my own destiny.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER (HUMS UNDERSTANDINGLY)
Then may I suggest … suicide?
ANNA / CLEO
Yes! Suicide is good.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
You could hang yourself from your chamber window! Or better, wait until Octavian arrives, break a goblet, slash your wrists and bleed all over him!
ANNA / CLEO
Those suggestions make me look desperate.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Hm.
ANNA / CLEO
I do have a suggestion.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ANNA / CLEO
You remember how I said I’d taken to poisoning prisoners?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(SLOWLY) Yes?
ANNA / CLEO
I didn't just poison them willy nilly. I’ve been experimenting, and I think I've found a poison fit for a Queen.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
What's that?
ANNA / CLEO
The asp!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Bitten by a snake? I like it! (FAST) Silvanus arrives at the mausoleum dressed as a rustic. He tells Octavian’s troops he's delivering figs to the Queen. Once he’s inside, you grab a fig, the snake jumps out and bites you in the arm.
ANNA / CLEO
The arm is too obvious. Can it bite my breast?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
(UPSET) Excuse me?
ANNA / CLEO
My breast! I want the snake to bite my breast! Much funnier! It’s something people will remember.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
It will take quite a bit of coordination to get the snake to bite the right spot...
ANNA / CLEO
Oh don’t you worry sweetens - I'll manage.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Oh but it won't be you! It will be the replacement corpse. Although now that you won't be burnt to a crisp, we'll need a corpse that matches more than just your skeleton.
ANNA / CLEO
I told you that's impossible!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
For the Brotherhood of the Phoenix, nothing is impossible!
ANNA / CLEO
Are you saying you can find someone to match my beauty?
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
I'm saying we can mock up a corpse to look just like you.
ANNA / CLEO
That's treasonous! I should have your head chopped off!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
We're not allowed to fake your corpse?
ANNA / CLEO
Certainly not!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Well. Then we're in a bit of a bind.
ANNA / CLEO
I have an idea! The asp doesn’t have much venom. If we get it to bite my two handmaidens first, the venom that's left for me will be enough to give me convulsions and make me pass out, but it won’t kill me.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Are you suggesting we kill your handmaidens?!
ANNA / CLEO
No! We find replacement corpses worthy of their likeness instead!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Wonderful! Octavian arrives at the mausoleum, finds you unconscious, sees the snake bite and thinks you're dead.
ANNA / CLEO
Although it would be even funnier if I was conscious!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
How's that?
ANNA / CLEO
He’ll be looking at my breasts like: “I shouldn't look, it’s indecent, but I really want to look, because it’s Cleopatra’s boobs, but I really shouldn't, but... ahhhh...” - and then he peeks and I could go: BOOH!
(ANOTHER FIT OF LAUGHTER)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
That would defeat the purpose of the entire operation!
ANNA / CLEO
It would be kind of worth it though! Just imagine the look on his face!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Yes, but you really mustn’t.
ANNA / CLEO
I won't…
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Promise?
ANNA / CLEO
(MOCKING) Promise…
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
After Octavian leaves, your body will be left in the mausoleum for mummification. Once the bandages are on, we'll send Silvanus in to retrieve you.
ANNA / CLEO
Are you sure you can do it before they start evisceration? Having my brain drained through my nose wouldn't be very appealing.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Extracting clients from mausoleums, tombs and pyramids is one of our specialities! We’ll get you out of there before you can say Tutankhamun. Your two handmaidens will be waiting at the shore, ready to sail across the Mediterranean with you. Iovianus will be there with a boat. He’s an excellent sailor.
ANNA / CLEO
Perfect!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
I think it’s time to seal the deal. A glass of ambrosia?
(SCRAPE OF A CHAIR)
ANNA / CLEO
The nectar of the Gods! I’m impressed.
(POURING OF AMBROSIA)
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
We don’t skimp at the Brotherhood of the Phoenix. To your death!
ANNA / CLEO
Can we toast to something else? Death is so depressing.
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
Then let's toast … to the afterlife.
ANNA / CLEO
To the afterlife!
JOHN / INTERVIEWER
To the afterlife!
(CLINK OF GOBLETS, THEN THE SOUND OF THE MI5 OFFICE CREEPS BACK IN)
ANNA
And that’s the last hieroglyph.
HAINES
John. Anna. Thank you so much. It was so vivid... it was like I was there! I heard the sounds of her splashing in the bath...
ANNA
Oh, that was me stirring my tea.
HAINES
Was it?
(HAINES LAUGHS)
ANNA
Yes!
HAINES
I was closing my eyes at that point!
ANNA
I saw!
(THEY LAUGH)
HAINES
Cole? Oh come on Cole! You have to admit that was gripping stuff.
COLE
...yes, but how reliable was it?
JOHN
Well as I said, with these old scrolls there's always room for interpretation. No two experts' opinions will be the same.
ANNA
We should take the scrolls back to the museum!
JOHN
Yes. Run some tests in the lab.
ANNA
Do a proper translation. This was very off the cuff. I’m sure there were lots of mistakes. Not the laughing, though, that was accurate.
HAINES
Well we can't release these just yet. They're evidence.
JOHN
Where did you find them?
HAINES
This box here.
ANNA
Is there more in there?
HAINES
Just tapes. Although I'm starting to think there are more boxes where this one came from, and who knows what else they might contain...
JOHN
Where does this box come from?
HAINES
We're not at liberty to say - Yet.
JOHN
Well, if the tests prove positive and it turns out these scrolls are genuine, that would be the biggest find in … in centuries!
COLE
Yes. (GRAVELY) If.
HAINES
But for now you'll keep stumm, yes?
JOHN
Sure.
ANNA
Yes.
HAINES
Well thank you again for coming in. Take the last bacon rolls for the tube back.
JOHN
Bye!
ANNA
See you!
COLE & HAINES
Bye!
(COLE AND HAINES WAIT UNTIL THE DOOR HAS CLOSED AND THE EGYPTOLOGISTS FOOTSTEPS HAVE FADED DOWN THE CORRIDOR)
COLE
(SIGHS) No way we're taking that to Northcott.
HAINES
Probably best to keep this one under our hats.
COLE
You don't believe a word of any of that do you?
HAINES
They're experts.
COLE
They're two crackpot academics with a flair for amdram!
HAINES
However accurate or not their rendition of the scene was, there's no getting round the fact that among those tapes was an ancient Egyptian artefact! How did that get in there?
COLE
This case is spiraling out of control!
HAINES
I thought the closer we'd get to the bottom of this box the more things would start to make sense. Turns out it's only getting stranger...
COLE
Hm. Stranger or sillier?
(PAUSE)
HAINES
Both.
COLE
(GRAVELY) I don't know what to believe anymore.
HAINES
Neither do I.
(SHORT PAUSE)
Only one thing to do, right?
COLE
Next tape?
HAINES
Next tape.
CREDITS
We hope you enjoyed this episode of the Amelia Project. The Amelia Project is a fully independent production, which means it relies on support from you, our wonderful listeners. A huge heartfelt thank you to all of you who have joined us on patreon, you make it possible for us to keep this series going. And speaking of patreon, there is a missing papyrus scroll pertaining to the Brotherhood Of The Phoenix. Cole and Haines missed this one, but as a 5$ Patron, you can admire this papyrus scroll in all its Anders-Pedersen-designed-glory. If you’re not yet a patron you can head over to patreon.com/ameliapodcast, watch the video and make your pledge. We would be so grateful. And now the credits. This episode was written by Øystein Brager with story and audio editing by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Øystein Brager and Philip Thorne with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. It featured Layla Katib and Karim Kronfli as the Egyptologysts, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as Agent Cole, Gianluca Iumiento as Ianus and Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Silvanus. This episode was produced by Imploding Fictions, it was recorded by Battle Bird Productions London and Spike City studios Oslo, with studio engineering by Hedley Knights and Robert Rustad Amundsen. All graphic design for The Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen. A special thank you to Sophia Anderson and Katharina Sindelar for your very generous Patreon-Support.
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