EPISODE 23 - ANDY SPARK - LIVE SHOW
CROSSOVER EPISODE WITH WE FIX SPACE JUNK
AMELIA PART
PHILIP
Hello Amelia Listeners, it’s Philip, and welcome to this new episode. This is an episode between seasons, which means it doesn’t follow straight on from the season 2 finale, you’ll have to wait for season 3 for that, rather this is a recording of a Liveshow we did at King’s Place in London, on the 30th of November 2019. This is a special crossover double bill with one of our favorite podcasts which you’ve heard me mention before on the show many times, We Fix Space Junk. If you’re fans of We Fix Space Junk, you’ll love this episode, if you haven’t listened to We Fix Space Junk yet: don’t worry, you’ll still be able to follow. And once you finish this episode, I’m sure you'll want to go and subscribe to We Fix Space Junk and listen to their back catalogue. We added a link to their show in the show notes, and you can find them on all good Podcatchers. As usual, we’d like to say a great big thank you to our wonderful, wonderful patrons. Without you, this show would not exist, without you, we would have given up a long time ago. If you’d like to join our patreon community and help us bring season 3 to your podcast feeds as soon as possible, you can pledge whatever seems fair to you, 1$, 2$, 5$, 50$, whatever you think an episode is worth to you. Simply go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast and you’d be making us so, so happy. Right.
(CHATTER IN THE BACKGROUND BEGINS)
Now, imagine you’re filing into the auditorium at King’s Place London, you take your seat, the lights dim… Enjoy the show…
(ANSWERPHONE BEEPS ON, MESSAGE IS PRE-RECORDED)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now.
(PAUSE)
You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed.
(PAUSE)
Still there? If you continue, there’s no way back. The choice is yours.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP)
ANDY (A LITTLE SHAKY)
a a bang but ends ends ends is is is not the the the the the the this this this way way way whimper with world world world-
(THE AMELIA THEME/WE FIX SPACE JUNK CROSSOVER THEME KICKS IN)
INTERVIEWER
Welcome to The Amelia Project.
ANDY
Thank you.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry about the wait.
ANDY
Oh, not to worry! You've actually done me a favour.
INTERVIEWER
How's that?
ANDY
There's a poem I've been working on for over a month. (STRAINED) I just couldn't get it right, haha. But sitting in your waiting room for three hours has allowed me to really focus. I think I've made a breakthrough.
INTERVIEWER
You finished the poem?
ANDY
I believe I have!
INTERVIEWER
Can I hear it?
ANDY
Certainly.
(CLEARS THROAT, PRESUMABLY TAKES OUT NOTES)
Are you ready?
INTERVIEWER
Wait. I'm going to need some cocoa for this.
Hit me.
ANDY
Alright.
(CLEARS HIS THROAT, WE HEAR SOME AUDIENCE LAUGHTER IN THE BACKGROUND AS HE RECITES)
Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush. Hairbrush.
Hairbrush. Hairbrush.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
Was that it?
ANDY
...Hairbrush
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
It was just one word.
ANDY
Yes. (PROUDLY) Hairbrush. Would you like me to dedicate it to you?
INTERVIEWER
(QUICKLY) No. It's going to be published?
ANDY
Yes, yes. Volume three of "Distillations."
INTERVIEWER
Distillations?
ANDY
I chisel and chip away at ideas, until I'm left with only the … essence.
INTERVIEWER
You mean one word?
ANDY
A word, a letter, a sound.
INTERVIEWER
A sound?
ANDY
Do you want to hear my poem about Extinction?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Go on then.
ANDY
Tick tick tick tick tick
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY)Oh for god’s sake…
ANDY
tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
(DIRECTED AT THE AUDIENCE) Welcome latecomers (AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick
(DIRECTED AT THE AUDIENCE) This is the whole show. (AUDIENCE-LAUGHTER)
tick tick tick tick tick! What did you think?
INTERVIEWER
Honestly?
ANDY
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
I preferred the hairbrush one.
ANDY
You mean "The Verisimilitude of Perfection."
INTERVIEWER
That's what it's called?
ANDY
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
God, it's been a long time since we’ve helped a poet. What's your name?
ANDY
Andy Spark.
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa, Andy?
ANDY
Yes please.
INTERVIEWER
I have to admit Andy, my taste in poetry is somewhat traditional. Blake. Wordsworth. Burns. Shelley.
ANDY
Ah, I've done all of those.
INTERVIEWER
(CONFUSED) Excuse me?
ANDY
I've taken their poems and liberated them.
INTERVIEWER
"Liberated"?
ANDY
From their shackles of (PUTS EMPHASIS ON THE WORDS) meaning and context.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
INTERVIEWER
How so?
ANDY
By taking all the words and reordering them alphabetically.
INTERVIEWER
(DOUBTFULLY) Right.
ANDY
Which is your favourite poem?
INTERVIEWER
Oh, that would be William Blake's "The Tyger."
(RECITES) Tyger Tyger, burning bright, In the forests of the night; What immortal hand or eye, Could frame thy fearful symmetry?
(ANDY MAKES SOME DOUBTFUL SOUNDS)
ANDY
Want to hear my version?
INTERVIEWER
If you insist.
(ANDY CLEARS HIS THROAT)
ANDY
Bright, burning, could, eye, fearful, forests, frame, hand, immortal in, night, of, or, symmetry, the, the, thy, Tyger, Tyger, What!
(LOUD AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
(UNDER HIS BREATH) What indeed.
ANDY
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
I said what, um, what... What, what- what brings you here?
ANDY
That's not what you said.
INTERVIEWER
No, you're right. I'm sorry, it's just...
ANDY
You don't understand my work.
INTERVIEWER
I'm afraid not. Sorry.
ANDY
(SIGHS) I'm used to it.
INTERVIEWER
Well, luckily the incomprehension of philistines such as myself doesn't seem to have stood in the way of your success.
ANDY
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
You said you've been published.
ANDY
Oh. Since "The Shores of Futility" I've had to publish everything myself.
INTERVIEWER
"The Shores of Futility"?
ANDY
My novel.
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) You're a novelist too?
ANDY
It was supposed to be a novella really. But it got longer and longer. I missed six deadlines. When I turned in the completed work, it was three years late and 2346 pages long.
INTERVIEWER
Wow!
ANDY
My publisher was furious and refused to print it.
INTERVIEWER
Because it was too long?
ANDY
Because she said it wasn't worth the paper it was printed on.
INTERVIEWER
That's harsh.
ANDY
(UPSET) No! She was spot on! But that was the point!
INTERVIEWER
Hm?
ANDY
(UPSET) The entire novel consists of just one word written over and over and over and over again. 1154,216 times to be precise.
INTERVIEWER
Which word?
ANDY
"Waste."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
INTERVIEWER
Ah.
ANDY
(PASSIONATE) The book is a visceral manifestation of the ink wasted printing it. The hours wasted reading it. The years wasted writing it.
INTERVIEWER
So you regret writing it?
ANDY
(PASSIONATE) Of course not! It's my masterpiece!
INTERVIEWER
Writing "Waste" 1154,216 times is your masterpiece? I... I don't understand.
ANDY
Of course not.
INTERVIEWER
You think I'm stupid?
ANDY
(HESITANT) Not stupid exactly, but...
INTERVIEWER
But...?
ANDY
It's not your fault, it's just uhm...
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ANDY
Well... It's just, I'm ahead of my time.
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
ANDY
(SOFTLY) It's so frustrating to be born into the wrong millennium.
INTERVIEWER
Millennium. Blimey.
ANDY
Can you help me?
INTERVIEWER
With what?
ANDY
My dilemma.
INTERVIEWER
You are aware of the service we provide?
ANDY
You help people escape from this life and transition into another.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. By faking their death and giving them a new identity.
ANDY
I'd like to keep my own identity please.
INTERVIEWER
Look Andy. I think I see what the problem is. You feel underappreciated. We can help you.
ANDY
You can?
INTERVIEWER
We can put to rest your identity as a misunderstood writer and give you a new life in which you'll be highly appreciated. How would you like to come back as a GP, a village police constable, a primary school teacher or a priest?
ANDY
What?
INTERVIEWER
We can make you a valued pillar of your community. But you'll need plastic surgery. That's nonnegotiable.
ANDY
(OFFENDED) A priest?!
INTERVIEWER
There's currently a vacancy in Piddington. Nice little church. The nativity play attracts people from all over Northamptonshire. They have a real donkey.
ANDY
(QUIETLY) Right.
INTERVIEWER
The congregation is still in shock after the tragic demise of Father Bruce.
ANDY
What happened to Father Bruce?
INTERVIEWER
Plummeted from the pulpit.
ANDY
Oh, poor man!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, no, he's very happy with his new life as a rock climbing instructor in Tasmania. Village life wasn't for him.
ANDY
You-
INTERVIEWER
Which reminds me, I must get Alvina to send him his obituary from the parish magazine. It was very moving. Anyway, the congregation is desperate for a new priest. They'll welcome you with open arms!
ANDY
That's no good!
INTERVIEWER
I thought you wanted to be appreciated?
ANDY
Ye-hes! For my writing!
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
(PAUSE)
That's going to be difficult.
ANDY
I hear you only accept difficult cases.
INTERVIEWER
So you want us to transform not you, but your readership?
ANDY
Yes! I want to live among peers!
INTERVIEWER
Sorry, but getting people to appreciate your work is too big of an ask. Even for Amelia.
ANDY
Pfft. That's the easy bit.
INTERVIEWER
How so?
ANDY
I told you. That's just a matter of time. In three hundred years there will be streets named after me.
INTERVIEWER
Look Andy, I'm sure that in three hundred years every school child will be able to recite "The Shores of Futility" by heart. All 1154,216 words of it. But right now, on the 30th November 2019-
ANDY (INTERRUPTING)
That's what I want you to help me escape from.
INTERVIEWER
You want us to help you escape... the present?
ANDY
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
And set you up with a life in...
ANDY
How about the year 3031?
INTERVIEWER
(DOUBTFUL) The year 3031.
ANDY
Yes. I think by that point culture will have fully caught up with me and I'll be able to properly fulfill my potential.
INTERVIEWER
And what about Piddington?
ANDY
What about it?
INTERVIEWER
Well, it's almost December and the nativity play won't direct itself.
ANDY
You should have thought of that when you killed Father Bruce. Can we please focus on my case?
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
ANDY
So, can you help me escape from the present and set me up with a life in the future?
INTERVIEWER
Hmm. Kozlowski will have to preserve your body... That's not something we've done before... But...
ANDY
(HOPEFULLY) But...?
INTERVIEWER
But Kozlowski needs a challenge! Since replicating the Loch Ness Monster he's been so bored. I reckon this is the perfect challenge to get him out of the dumps!
ANDY
(LAUGHS) Wonderful!
INTERVIEWER
The problem will be where to store you...
ANDY
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
In the last two years the corner shop here has gone from being a grocers, to a chemists, to a betting shop to a funeral parlor to a travel agents, to a chippie to a newsagents. (DELIGHTED) Did I tell you now they stock Maltesers?
ANDY
Your point?
INTERVIEWER
Think of how much will change in the next thousand years.
ANDY
Hmm...
INTERVIEWER
Even if Kozlowski can keep your body perfectly preserved, that's a long time in storage. A lot can happen in that time.
ANDY
I'll have to be stored in a secure private laboratory!
INTERVIEWER
Who's to say that in the next thousand years it doesn't change hands or go bust?
ANDY
What's the alternative?
INTERVIEWER
We should only consider storage solutions with a proven track record of at least five millennia.
ANDY
Are you serious?
INTERVIEWER
If a container has made it intact through five millennia, chances are it will make it through the next century. I'm thinking Andy, of an Egyptian sarcophagus.
ANDY
A sarcophagus?!
INTERVIEWER
Luckily I have a friend at the Louvre's Egyptian Antiquities collection who owes me a favour.
ANDY
(UPSET) You want to put me in a genuine Egyptian sarcophagus?!
INTERVIEWER
The Louvre has the biggest collection of sarcophagi in the world. Surely they can let us tinker with one of them.
ANDY
You, um, you think your friend will agree?
INTERVIEWER
Listen. Without me, Jean Pierre would still be called Dragomir Marković and facing a tribunal at the Hague. He'll do as I say.
ANDY
(GULPS)
INTERVIEWER
After closing hours Jean Pierre will let us into the Louvre. We'll choose a sarcophagus that matches your size, evict the current occupant and-
ANDY
I... I don't know how I feel about this.
INTERVIEWER
Do you want to disappear or don't you?
ANDY
I do.
INTERVIEWER
Good! Kozlovski will refit the inside of the sarcophagus to store your preserved body. You'll be housed inside the walls of the Louvre and handled as a precious treasure. You may be sent on tour from time to time, but you'll always travel with state of the art safety precautions. I honestly think this is your best chance of making it undamaged to the next millennium.
(SHORT PAUSE)
What do you think?
ANDY
I think-
INTERVIEWER
It's brilliant, I know. I've earned a cocoa top up.
ANDY
-it won't work.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ANDY
The fact that the sarcophagus has survived five millennia doesn't mean it will survive another.
INTERVIEWER
Well there's no guarantee, but the odds are in our favour.
ANDY
(INTERRUPTS) /Against us. Do you remember my poem about extinction?
INTERVIEWER
(SIGHS) Which one was that again?
ANDY
Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick tick- That’s the one, you remember-
INTERVIEWER
Ah. Yes. That one.
ANDY
In the coming three decades more than half the world’s population faces twenty days a year of lethal heat, crop yields will drop by a fifth, the Amazon ecosystem will collapse, the Arctic will be ice-free in summer and sea levels will rise by 0.5 metres. This planet is a time bomb.
INTERVIEWER
(SADLY) I’ve gone off my cocoa. Well, I suppose if life on earth is coming to an end, there’s no point to all this anyway.
ANDY
What? Don't be so defeatist!
INTERVIEWER
You just said yourself. This planet is a time bomb!
ANDY
Yes. This planet.
INTERVIEWER
You mean...?
ANDY
It seems the only rational solution.
INTERVIEWER
You’re suggesting...?
ANDY
By the next millennium most of humanity will have migrated there.
INTERVIEWER
And you want to go to...
ANDY
(QUICKLY) I want to go to space, yes.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
One moment.
(RUMMAGING)
(IN FARSI) Ah, Ashkan!
(HE LAUNCHES INTO FAST, FLUENT FARSI. IT GOES ON AND ON. WE UNDERSTAND VERY LITTLE, BUT THE NAMES JOEY AND SALVATORE WE DO, EVERY TIME IT SEEMS LIKE HE COMES TO AN END, HE STARTS UP AGAIN, FINALLY HE PUTS DOWN THE PHONE)
(SHORT PAUSE - IS HE REALLY DONE NOW?)
ANDY
(SUDDENLY SHOUTS) Who was that?!
INTERVIEWER
One more moment.
(DIALS AGAIN, CLEARS HIS THROAT)
Ah, Alvina! Have you got a pen? Right. Here goes. Clear Kozlowski's schedule for the next week. I've got a big task for him. Also, can you have a word with Basir at the Iranian embassy? We're going to need visas for Joey and Salvatore. Yes. Yes. We'll send them to the Iranian Space Agency in Moradabad as soon as Kozlowski is done. Wonderful. Oh and Alvina? (QUIETLY) I won't be in the office for the last week of December. Uhm, have to go help out in Piddington.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
If Yardley Hastings put on a better nativity play I'd feel personally responsible. Toodle-oo.
(THE AMELIA THEME KICKS IN)
CREDITS
The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. This episode for the London Podcast Festival featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Tom Crowley as Andy Spark, and Julia Morizawa on the answerphone. The episode was written and directed by Philip Thorne with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. A big heartfelt thank you to Katharina Sindelar and Sophia Anderson for your support. And now, over to We Fix Space Junk!
(APPLAUSE, END OF THE SEGMENT)
CROSSOVER LIVESHOW - WE FIX SPACE JUNK PART
ANNOUNCER
The Library, a We Fix Space Junk Special Episode for London Podcast Festival, by Beth Crane.
(THEME MUSIC)
(KILNER AND SAMANTHA ARE FLIPPING BOTTLE TOPS IN THE YELLOW SUB, KILLING TIME)
SAMANTHA
Heads!
(IT LANDS. IT'S HEADS)
KILNER
(GORANS) Ugh, fine.
(KILNER TAKES A SWIG OF MOONSHINE)
tails!
(IT LANDS, IT’S HEADS AGAIN)
Ugh! You’re rigging this!
SAMANTHA
Yes, so desperate am I to win…
AN ALERT -- AUTOMNICON NOISE
KILNER
Oop, here we go.
AUTOMNIVOICE (UNDERLINED BY MUSIC)
Hello, valued employees! Here are the details for your next exciting mission. You will be [RETRIEVING UNKNOWN OBJECT] in or at the [COORDINATES ZZ9PZA222 SLASH 449HHHGL]. We hope you enjoy your mission. Additional Notes[BEWARE COMPETITORS] End of message.
SAMANTHA
Competitors?
KILNER
Yeah, you always get that with salvage.
SAMANTHA
Is it... dangerous?
DAX
Of course it's dangerous. Or everyone would do it.
SAMANTHA
Oh.
KILNER
Shields ready, Dax?
DAX
As ready as they'll ever be.
KILNER
Manual controls up and running?
DAX
Mhmm.
KILNER
Let's get this... object.
(THEY MANEUVER INTO PLACE AND START TO RACE THE OTHER PODS, SCRAPING AROUND THEM, SPACESHIP SOUNDS AND HECTIC WORDS)
SAMANTHA
Left! Kilner, our left side is-
KILNER
I know I know --
DAX
There's a ship right behind us!
KILNER
Damnit -- okay, duck and rise?
DAX
Ducking and rising activated...
KILNER
And -- quick spin --
DAX
We're in danger of overshooting!
KILNER
Drop speed by 10%!
DAX
Good thinking.
SAMANTHA
What the-
KILNER
Means that the others will overshoot.
SAMANTHA
Right.
DAX
Okay, incoming!
KILNER
Brace yourself!
(A BIG SUCTION CUP. THEY HAVE CAUGHT THE POD)
KILNER
Got it!
DAX
Okay... ready to dock it now...
SAMANTHA
Do we need to get away now, or...?
KILNER
Nah. We got their first. The haul's ours. We're safe unless we drop it.
SAMANTHA
Huh. What is it?
KILNER
I've got no idea.
DAX
Prelim scans say it's safe to approach.
KILNER
Let's decontaminate it and go and have a look at the thing.
(KILNER AND SAMANTHA WALK DOWNSTAIRS, INTO YELLOW SUB CARGO BAY. WE HEAR THE END OF A DECONTAMINATION SHOWER)
DAX
Decontamination cycle complete.
(WATER GURGLES DOWN THE DRAIN)
SAMANTHA
What... is it?
DAX
It seems to be a rudimentary cryogenic pod.
KILNER
Ugh. Last time I found one of those... Well, whatever was in it had... gone off.
SAMANTHA
Eurgh.
KILNER
So I'm guessing it's broken?
(DAX RUNS A SCAN)
DAX
No, it seems to be... functioning.
(THE CRYO POD JUDDERS INTO DEFROSTING MODE)
And it appears to be… defrosting. The decontamination spray seems to have jogged the defrost machinery…
KILNER
Let's take a few steps back. Just in case whatever's in there isn't... friendly.
(THEY STEP BACK AS THE CRYO POD OPENS WITH A HISS. HINTS OF SPACE ODYSSEY MUSIC)
KILNER
What... is it?
(SPLASHING OF WATER, ANDY STRETCHES)
ANDY
(HE YAWNS, STRETCHES MORE) Hello, chaps!
SAMANTHA
Oh. It's human.
DAX
Looking at its genetic makeup, it's... a really, really old human. Who made this pod?
KILNER
Well, finders keepers. It's ours now. I mean. Automnicon's. But we get a share of the scrap.
ANDY
(CLEARS THROAT) Hello?
SAMANTHA
Oh. Sorry. Hi. Uhm, this must be a bit of a shock to you.
ANDY
Well, it's not quite as... bright and shiny as I'd expected, but I'd always assumed that I'd be picked up by a spaceship. Honestly, I’m a little underwhelmed.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLE)
SAMANTHA
Oh. Uh. Right.
ANDY
I knew we'd wind up in space eventually. So the Earth, uh, exploded in the end, then?
SAMANTHA
What?
ANDY
That's the whole reason I had them send me into space, rather than some kind of... Earth-based deep-freeze. I assumed that in the long run it'd probably … explode.
KILNER
Oh. Erm. No. Not exactly. It just… ran out of space.
ANDY
Oh. Maybe I should have gone with the sarcophagi after all...
KILNER
I mean it's not... exactly Earth-Earth now. It's... well, it's a bit hard to explain.
ANDY
And you... What are you? Robot? Human? Some kind of terminator-guy? Let me see your hand --
KILNER
Don't just grab at me, what's wrong with you? I'm a cyborg.
ANDY
It's just a robot hand, surely it doesn’t hurt or anything.
KILNER
It's not whether it'll hurt or not, it's my hand!
SAMANTHA
He's just... of his era.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER, SAMANTHA SPEAKS SOMEWHAT EXAGGERATED AS IF TO MAKE A VERY STRONG POINT TO ANDY)
I'm sure he'll leave you alone now he knows it's not okay to do that. So... who are you?
ANDY
Aha! The million-pound question. I, dear rescuers, am Andy Spark!
(SILENCE)
KILNER
Uh huh.
ANDY
THE Andy Spark.
(PAUSE)
SAMANTHA
Right.
ANDY
I can just imagine what's going on in your heads right now. "Andy Spark? In my ship?" You must be struck dumb with joy.
KILNER
Actually...
ANDY
What?
KILNER
I have no idea who you are.
ANDY
(TURNING TO SAMANTHA) You seem like the more... cultured of the two of you. In your own, blue-collar way. (CLEARS THROAT) Surely you've heard of me?
SAMANTHA
Uhm.
ANDY
Andy Spark. Poet extraordinaire. Man of letters. Man of mystery. Man. Poet-man.
SAMANTHA
Uh…
ANDY
Goddamnit, a whole universe of cultured beings and I wind up in the one spaceship that doesn't know who I am!
(HE PAUSES FOR A MOMENT)
Oh… Oh.
(HEAVES)
SAMANTHA
Oh yeah. That's -- uh. That’s Cryo-flu.
(KILNER PUTS DOWN A BUCKET)
KILNER
You might want to try and find a bucket. And … sit down.
ANDY
So this is it… I spent so long frozen that my body can’t handle life. Oh, cruel fate! I'm dying...
SAMANTHA
It'll pass.
(ANDY RETCHES AGAIN)
KILNER
When did you go into cryo, Andy?
ANDY
20- (RETCHES) -19.
SAMANTHA
(AMUSED) Wait, seriously? They could do that back then?
ANDY
(A LITTLE OUT OF BREATH) Of course. Why? How long have I been frozen for?
SAMANTHA
A... really, really long time.
KILNER
(MINDFUL) Andy… I'm afraid that everyone you know and... everyone you loved is very much… dead by now.
(SILENCE)
ANDY
(DELIGHTED) Wonderful!
SAMANTHA
What?
ANDY
All of my rivals and all of my detractors will be long gone! I've outlived them all!
(HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
KILNER
Sorry, we just need to have a... ship's meeting. Give us a moment. Keep working on finding that bucket.
ANDY
Yeah - (RETCHES AGAIN)
(ANDY HEAVES AGAIN, KILNER AND SAMANTHA GO UPSTAIRS INTO THE CONTROL AREA)
SAMANTHA
Who the hell is this guy?
KILNER
I don't know! Dax? Got any record?
DAX
Nothing online... we could probably check the library.
SAMANTHA
The what?
KILNER
Oh, haven't you ever been to Automnicon's Central library?
SAMANTHA
Uh.
KILNER
The biggest repository of knowledge in the galaxy. What they did to the Earth.
SAMANTHA
Uh.
KILNER
All of the information saved from the solar flares because it was written down on paper. Or card. Or toilet doors.
SAMANTHA
It doesn't ring a bell.
DAX
Well, it's how they keep a tight hold on the knowledge of the universe. And they charge entry, naturally.
SAMANTHA
Well, that sounds like Automnicon. But why should we go to that much trouble?
KILNER
Did you see what he had with him?
SAMANTHA
No.
KILNER
He had an e-reader. From before the solar flares. There might be books on there that we've never even heard of. If he was out of Earth's solar system by the time the flares hit...
DAX
From my preliminary scan of the pod, it seems to be untouched by solar damage.
KILNER
If there are intact lost books on there -- even if there's just one -- we could be rich. Well. We could be out of debt, anyway.
SAMANTHA
So -- why don't you just ask for it?
KILNER
I doubt he'd hand it over. Especially if he knows how valuable it is. We'll … trade for it.
(ANDY STAGGERS UP THE STAIRS)
ANDY
Hello? I don't feel any better.
KILNER
Give it a moment. Drink something. Maybe… sit down.
(GROANS AND SITS DOWN)
SAMANTHA
And... tell us a bit about yourself.
ANDY
Ah! I thought you'd never ask. Personally speaking, I'm regarded as one of the key artistic voices of the twenty-first century. Distillations, my most seminal work, may even be the most important work of that entire Millenium.
DAX
Uhm.
KILNER
Do you want to tell him or shall I?
SAMANTHA
Uhm… Andy, I’m afraid there was… have you... heard of solar flares?
ANDY
What?
KILNER
Uh -- some time after you started your -- journey, Earth was hit by a wave of massive solar flares. They wiped out pretty much everything that wasn't -- printed. And then a lot of the printed stuff got… lost, in the … aftermath.
ANDY
That's... well. That's no trouble. I spent so much time working and reworking my pieces that I can repeat most of them by heart. And I'm certain that there'll be printed copies still surviving somewhere.
KILNER
Right. I mean, if we want to... find a record of your work, we need to take a long journey. All the way back to the Earth, in fact.
DAX
A very expensive journey.
SAMANTHA
Do you have -- anything that you could give us in exchange?
ANDY
Well, I do have... hmm. A couple of pens, a scarf --
KILNER
How about -- that object?
ANDY
What, this?
SAMANTHA
What is it?
ANDY
It's an -- e-reader. It contains books.
KILNER
(EXAGGERATED) Ah. Yes. We have heard of those. But how do they fit in such a small box?
ANDY
It’s quite complicated. Lots of maths involved…
KILNER
Uh wow… Would you… give it to us in exchange for the journey?
ANDY
Eh, yes, yes, of course.
SAMANTHA
Great1
KILNER
I guess we should set off for the library.
(MUSIC AS THEY APPROACH THE LIBRARY)
SAMANTHA
That's the Earth? Birthplace of humanity?
KILNER
Well. That's Automnicon's Central Library. The — uh, well, the Earth wasn’t really usable any more?
SAMANTHA
But -- look at it. The whole planet is covered in steel.
KILNER
They don't want any information getting out.
SAMANTHA
Oh.
(AN UNFRIENDLY ALERT ON THE RADIO, THE GUARD HAS A DEEP AUTOMATIC VOICE)
GUARD
State identity and reason for visit.
KILNER
Hi, this is Kilner with the Yellow Submarine, I'm here to visit the Literature Department.
GUARD
Level?
KILNER
Basic access. I need to speak to a curator
GUARD
Transfer your debt details over for Authorisation.
(DEBT SOUND, BEEP-BIP)
KILNER
We can't be here too long, they charge by the minute.
GUARD
Authorised. Begin descent.
(SOUNDS OF LANDING OR DOCKING, THEN ECHOING FOOTSTEPS AS KILNER, SAMANTHA AND ANDY WALK INTO THE LIBRARY)
SAMANTHA
Hello?
CURATOR (SCOTTISH ACCENT?)
Hallo! And welcome to the Literature Department! I am Samsom, the Literary Curator. I heard that you wanted to speak to me.
KILNER
Uh. Hi. Yeah. Uh. We have a -- poet.
CURATOR
What?
SAMANTHA
From the Earth. The old Earth.
CURATOR
He- uh-
KILNER
He was in a cryo pod. We found him floating in space. We've checked his DNA out, he's legit. Pre-flare.
CURATOR
(EXCITED) Really?
ANDY
(DRAMATIC) Andy Spark. Twenty-first century literary powerhouse. At your service.
CURATOR
I see. Let me- uh, see what I can find! Gosh. It really is... thrilling to meet you.
ANDY
Well, I always love to meet a fan. Tell me, which of my poems is your favourite? Or do you prefer my book?
CURATOR
Oh. I... uh. I don't... know who you are. It's just... Well, it's unheard-of for someone from your... era to be walking around today. I am... well, I'm rather into my history, and the chance to speak to someone who used to- oh, tell me, did they really use plastic cups? Real ones?
ANDY
Uh. Ye- The- What?
CURATOR
(CHUCKLES) Sorry. There'll be plenty of time for questions. Let me... have a look on our system, see if I can't find you...
(THE CURATOR LEAFS THROUGH A PAPER FILING SYSTEM)
SAMANTHA
I've never seen so much... paper.
CURATOR
I see... I see.
ANDY
You've found me, I presume?
CURATOR
There is... certainly a reference to you.
ANDY
Uh, fantastic.
CURATOR
I'm not sure you're... going to like it.
ANDY
My good man, my name has survived for aeons. Of course I'm going to like it.
CURATOR
Alright, then. Please follow me. Be very careful. Even the slightest wrong step will alert the library droids.
SAMANTHA
The... library droids?
CURATOR
Oh. My. You haven't had the induction. Please.
AUTOMNIVOICE (UNDERLINED BY MUSIC)
Greetings, visitors. And welcome to The Library. The Library was founded in the late 21st Century, when the newly formed hyper conglomeration of Automnicon realised that the little quantities of information that the world had retained, following the sudden and destructive solar flares that made so many changes to life as we know it, needed to be stored. Needed to be saved. Needed to be... regulated. And so the Department of Information was born. To maintain the Department of Information, as well as the Central Library Droid Network, we ask for a small, mandatory donation from each visitor.
When you input your chosen information destination, the library droids will act as helpful guides, keen to show you the way and keep you on the right path. Do not leave your assigned library droid or seek other areas of the library without prior authorisation. All of the items we keep here are valuable and must be protected from destruction or even just from too much everyday wear and tear. Keep to your path and enjoy the pursuit of knowledge!
SAMANTHA
Right. That's not... Ominous at all.
(THEY FOLLOW THE CURATOR INTO THE STACKS THEY WALK THROUGH THE STACKS)
CURATOR
Welcome... to the 21st Century!
SAMANTHA
What a lot of... junk.
KILNER
What -- are these?
CURATOR
Automnicon preserved every piece of writing they could physically get their hands on. That means everything from -- gossip magazines to recipes, to notes written on the backs of toilet doors.
SAMANTHA
Right.
CURATOR
In fact, we do have a rather wonderful selection of toilet door poetry in the avant-garde section.
ANDY
(SCOFFS) Pfft. Avant-garde. Bunch of try-hards.
CURATOR
(FLATLY) Yes. Indeed.
ANDY
So, where are we heading next?
CURATOR
Well. It appears you are... featured in the subcategory of Famous Literary Figures.
ANDY
Brilliant. Come on, then, let’s go!
(THEY WALK ONWARDS)
ANDY
Great! Here they are! My peers. The people I influenced. I suppose they studied me at school at some point! Ahh, so many young minds, influenced by my pure, unabiding genius.
CURATOR
Mhmm.
ANDY
Aha! There! Famous Poets.
(AN ALARM SOUNDS. A LIBRARY DROID DESCENDS)
LIBRARY DROID
Return to path! Return to path!
ANDY
What?
CURATOR
You -- uh. We aren't going that way.
ANDY
What do you mean?
CURATOR
Follow me. And... Please try to remain on the path. (SADLY) We lose so many interns that way...
(THEY KEEP WALKING)
ANDY
(CONFUSED AND HURT) Literary... criticism? Well, I suppose my work could be considered criticism of the medium, and of the... No, no -- wait, sorry, my surname is Spark, this is, we've gone past...
CURATOR
Here. Here we are.
ANDY
Taylor? Wilhelmina Taylor. I... Don't know the name.
SAMANTHA
There are shelves of it! Shelves and shelves! There are magazines and books and --
CURATOR
She was incredibly proficient. One of the absolute best. And -- let's see... This is... one of her earliest works...
(THE CURATOR LEAFS THROUGH THE BOOKS)
CURATOR
Here. Her first collection. From 2020.
ANDY
I... I...
SAMANTHA
Go on then.
KILNER
Should -- I read it?
CURATOR
I studied her work when I was training. If this is... yes, this is the one I thought it was. It's regarded as one of her most scathing yet... elegant pieces.
ANDY
I...
CURATOR
It really made her as a critic. This piece was studied by trainee literary critics and shared in collections of classical criticism for... well, the whole of her life. In fact... in fact if you see the footnote there, Sparkism even became a common literary term.
ANDY
(FLATLY) For uhm... for someone who is uh... so uninteresting and wholly derivative they... have to shoot themselves into space to gain any kind of attention.
KILNER
Hey, at least you were famous…?
ANDY
I always knew I wouldn't be appreciated in my own time.
SAMANTHA
What are you going to do now?
ANDY
I... I have a plan. (HE STARTS TO WALK AWAY)
SAMANTHA
What is it? Where are you going?
KILNER
Let him go
CURATOR
Don't let him go - the droids!
LIBRARY DROIDS
Return to path! Return to path!
(AN EXPLOSION)
SAMANTHA
Andy?!
ANDY
I'm okay!
CURATOR
That was a close one! Here -- Andy. Uh. Come with me. I'll -- take you back to my office. Actually, if you wanted to stay here at the Library for a while, I do have an awful lot to ask you about the time you come from.
ANDY
(HOPEFUL) You do?
CURATOR
There's nothing better than first-hand knowledge. There are so many things that I want to ask you!
ANDY
Okay. I'll -- I'll tell you anything you like. But I need something from you in exchange.
CURATOR
Anything!
ANDY
I need you to supply me with another cryogenic freezing pod.
(AUDIENCE CHUCKLE)
CURATOR
What for?
ANDY
As my work was... apparently destroyed before anyone had a chance to — identify its true genius, I clearly just need to start this whole process again. So after you've finished asking your questions, I'll write all my work out again, ready for you to distribute. And then - all we need to do is wait! Maybe a shorter period this time. Say... a century or two.
CURATOR
Right.
KILNER
Oh, uh
ANDY
Ah yes! My e-reader.
(HE HANDS THE E-READER TO KILNER)
ANDY
Protect it with your life. There's some of the best writing of the 21st Century on there. Goodbye, Kilner. Goodbye, Samantha.
SAMANTHA
Goodbye, Andy.
KILNER
And... good luck.
CURATOR
(HESITANT) We -- uh. Actually all have to walk the same way to get to the exit.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
The droids. You know.
(THEY WALK AWAY AWKWARDLY)
OUTRO MUSIC PLAYS
ANNOUNCER
In that special crossover episode of We Fix Space Junk and Amelia Project, Samantha Trapp was played by Rebecca Evans, Kilner was played by Beth Crane, Dax was played by Jack Carmichael, Andy Sparks was played by Tom Crowley, the Library Droid was played by Hedley Knights and the Curator was played by Alan Burgon. This episode was written by Beth Crane and produced by Hedley Knights for Battle Bird Productions. This episode was recorded in front of a live audience for London Podcast Festival! To hear more from We Fix Space Junk, visit us on battlebird.libsyn or find us on any podcatcher.
(OUTRO MUSIC FADES INTO POST CREDITS)
(POST CREDITS SCENE)
(ELECTRIC BING!)
DAX
I've unlocked it!
KILNER
Finally! What have we got? Vonnegut? Pratchett?
DAX
What... what the Bruce is the Shores of Futility?
KILNER
(BEAT) “An Andy Spark novel”... Oh no....
(OUTRO STING, FADES INTO AUTOMNICON MUSIC)
AUTOMNICON (WITH BACKGROUND MUSIC)
Even if you choose another life... remember that we will still find you. Automnicon. We Own You.
Congratulations. You’ve reached the Amelia Project. (REMIX OF THE THEMES AND ANSWERPHONE FOLLOWS, THEN THE CROSSOVER THEME, TOGETHER WITH APPLAUSE OF THE AUDIENCE)
END OF EPISODE.
END OF LIVE SHOW