EPISODE 24 - PHIL AND AMBER, LIVESHOW
(CHATTER)
PHILIP
Hello dear Amelia-Listeners, we are in Birmingham at PodUk, the UK’s only Podcast-themed-fan convention, which takes place once a year and this year, and this year they’ve invited us to do a liveshow, so you can hear people coming into the auditorium. Anyway, this is our first PodUk, and we’re having an absolutely wonderful time we’ve met Amelia-listeners from all over the world, from the US, from all over Europe, and we’ve also met our colleagues, from we are live at Kind Falls Am, which has been absolutely wonderful and inspiring. Oh, we’re called up, better go!
ANNOUNCER
...please welcome to the stage, The Amelia Project.
(APPLAUSE)
PHILIP
Hello and welcome to our liveshow! And in fact, this is not just a liveshow, this is a life-recording, so today we are performing a brand new episode of the Amelia Project. Which will be coming out on our Feed in a few weeks time. So, I think we should probably just make some noise, to make sure the people listening to this in Texas, Madrid and Sydney and wherever else in their gyms, or in their kitchens or their commute know that this is actually being performed live, in front of a wonderful audience!
ØYSTEIN
Okay so if everybody can just, after me, after I count to three, we all just “cocoa” together, at the top of your voice, okay? Are you ready for that? One, two, three
(WE HEAR THE WORD COCOA SAID BY A LOT OF PEOPLE IN UNISON)
Amazing, really, thank you so much!
PHILIP
Okay, and one more thing to say before we start: This episode is dedicated to our wonderful patron Steve Mien, who is in the audience here tonight so a big round of applause for Steve!
(APPLAUSE AND CHEER)
And now, without further ado, it is time for the new- oh, we’ve just got some more audience coming, so let’s just wait for everyone to come in. Hello!
ØYSTEIN
Welcome everybody!
ALAN (FAINTLY, SOMEWHERE IN THE BACKGROUND)
The clock is ticking!
ØYSTEIN
The slower you walk, the faster we’re gonna have to act so uh.
(LAUGHTER)
Take your time.
PHILIP
So, for the new people who just came in, we’ve just - because community is very important to us, we’ve just done this little thing, everybody’s just got up and briefly talked a little bit about themselves, like what an emotional experience…
(MORE LAUGHTER)
Okay, is everybody… Everybody’s here?
ØYSTEIN
Cool, I think we should do the Cocoa-thing again with everybody, once everyone is in their seats, oh, more people! Come on in. Welcome! Alright, another warmup, so everybody could be part of that.
PHILIP
Oh, there’s a sailor coming in!
(MORE LAUGHTER)
ØYSTEIN
On three - I think this time, I think we should say Veuve Clicquot, just to kinda up the stakes a little bit, are you ready? One, two, three
(VEUVE CLICQUOT IS SAID BY A LOT OF VOICES IN UNISON)
PHILIP
Oh, and a shout out to the gentleman just over there - that pronunciation was excellent.
Okay, so, yes, without further ado, let’s pass it over to our lovely actors, Alan Burgon, Emily Stride, Felix Trench, who just got here in the nick of time, he was in Brussels this morning, and on a delayed Eurostar, made it just in time, and Julia Thorne. I hope that you enjoy this brand new episode of the Amelia Project.
(APPLAUSE)
PROLOGUE
(RINGING OF A TELEPHONE. AN ANSWERPHONE CLICKS ON (THE FOLLOWING IS PRE-RECORDED)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue there’s no way back.
(PAUSE)
You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed.
(PAUSE)
Still there? If you continue there’s no way back. The choice is yours.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP)
AMBER
Amber Ainsworth.
PHIL
Phil Smith.
AMBER
PHIL
We need your services. Urgently! How quickly can this be done? It's urgent!
AMBER
I already said that.
PHIL
What?
AMBER
(FIRM) I already said it's urgent.
PHIL
I was just-
AMBER (INTERRUPTS)
I'll handle this Phil.
PHIL
(MORE FIRMLY) I was just-
AMBER
You've done enough damage for today. Sorry about that. Uhm. Yes. We need your services. How quickly can this be done?
PHIL
She’s rich. She can pay.
AMBER
Call us.
PHIL
Call us.
(BEEP)
(THE AMELIA THEME STARTS)
THE INTERVIEW
INTERVIEWER
Phil Smith and Amber Ainsworth. Nice to meet you! Can I offer you some cocoa?
PHIL
Cocoa? Yes please.
AMBER
You sure, Phil?
PHIL
Sorry?
AMBER
It's just, you have enough trouble pouring yourself into those jeans as it is.
PHIL
(LAUGHS) Oh go suck on a kale lollipop you stick insect!
AMBER
Go sizzle in a deep fat fryer you lard muffin!
INTERVIEWER
My my. Let's keep things civil. Are you sure you won't join us for a cocoa Amber? It's from Les Deux Magots.
AMBER
Is it organic?
PHIL
(SNORTS)
AMBER
Yes, go on, roll your eyes, Phil, you might just find a brain back there.
PHIL
She's going to ask if she can have it chocolate and dairy-free next (SARCASTIC LAUGH)
AMBER
(POINTEDLY) Can I have it with cream?
PHIL
(STOPS LAUGHING) What?
AMBER
And marshmallows.
INTERVIEWER
Cream and marshmallows. Certainly.
PHIL
(PROVOCATIVELY) I'll have mine with smarties.
AMBER
Could I get a glazed cherry?
(PHIL AND AMBER TRY AND OUTDO EACH OTHER)
PHIL
Caramel sauce.
AMBER
Maple syrup.
PHIL
Custard!
AMBER
A melted candy cane!
PHIL
(LOUD) Five scoops of butterscotch ice cream.
(THE INTERVIEWER STARES AT THEM BEWILDERED BUT INTRIGUED)
INTERVIEWER
Hmm. Interesting.
(INTO THE INTERCOM) Salvatore! Three cocoas with cream, marshmallows, smarties, glazed cherries, caramel sauce, maple syrup, custard, a melted candy cane and butterscotch ice cream please. (BACK TO CLIENTS) Now. What brings you to Amelia?
AMBER
Go on Phil. Tell him what you did.
PHIL
What I did? You started it!
AMBER
I started it?!
PHIL
Yes! You left your phone on-
AMBER
What were you doing looking at my-
INTERVIEWER
Stop! Both of you! I've got an idea! How about a minute of silence to clear the air? Ready?
AMBER
But we need-
INTERVIEWER
Or I can't proceed with this interview.
PHIL
Very well.
INTERVIEWER
A minute of silence, starting... now!
(SILENCE. AMBER SHUFFLES AROUND)
PHIL
Shhh!
AMBER
(WHISPERING) What?!
PHIL
(WHISPERING) Shh!
AMBER
(WHISPERING) I'm not saying anyth-
PHIL
Shhh!
AMBER
You shhh!
INTERVIEWER
Shhhhh!
(AGGRESSIVELY SHUSHING EACH OTHER)
AMBER
Shhh!
PHIL
Shhh!
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS) We're going to have to start again.
AMBER
This is silly.
PHIL
Do we really have to do this.
INTERVIEWER
A minute of silence, starting... now!
(A PRETTY LONG SILENCE. THEN, UNDERLINED BY AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
AMBER
(BLOWS QUIET BUT AUDIBLE RASPBERRY)
PHIL
(BLOWS RASPBERRY BACK)
AMBER
(BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY)
PHIL
(BLOWS LOUD RASPBERRY BACK)
INTERVIEWER
Oh for goodness sake.
AMBER
Sorry. He provoked me. He was sticking his tongue out at me.
PHIL
(IMITATING AMBER IN A SILLY VOICE) “Sorry. He provoked me. He was sticking his tongue out at me.”
AMBER
Really Phil? That’s a bit childish. Even for you.
PHIL
“Really Phil? That’s a bit childish, even for you.”
AMBER
(SIGHS)
PHIL
(SIGHS MUCH LOUDER)
AMBER
Hello my name is Phil and I’m a stinking sack of Siberian sheep shit.
INTERVIEWER
Oh for goodness sake!
PHIL
You think you’re being clever? You know what? You’re about as clever as a … kumquat.
AMBER
(BURSTS OUT LAUGHING) A kumquat? My God did he just say a kumquat?
PHIL
So?
AMBER
A kumquat? You could have said dumber than a box of rocks or dumber than a lobotomised flea, but no, Phil opts for “dumber than a kumquat.”
PHIL
Tosser!
PHIL
(TO THE INTERVIEWER) What are you doing?
INTERVIEWER
Clearing away scissors, staplers and letter openers.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
I'm fond of this rug and I don’t want any blood stains. Now. We're going to start this session again.
AMBER
What do you mean?
INTERVIEWER
You're going to leave my office-
AMBER
But we've only just-
INTERVIEWER
(INSISTING) You're going to leave my office and go back to the waiting room. I'm going to light a scented candle and put on a soothing tape of water and birdsong. When I'm ready, you come back. I'll offer you some cocoa and you'll accept. You'll drink the cocoa, let it rinse the bitterness out of you, and we'll continue this interview in an orderly fashion. Now out you hop.
AMBER
Can't we just-
INTERVIEWER
OUT!
(PHIL AND AMBER SCURRY OFF STAGE. THE INTERVIEWER LIGHTS A CANDLE. TRICKLING WATER AND SOOTHING MUSIC FADES UP, HE SIGHS)
You can come back in!
(ALVINA ENTERS)
Oh. It's you.
ALVINA
(UPSET) Why are you turning your office into a spa?
INTERVIEWER
I'm creating a soothing environment for my clients.
ALVINA
Well, switch it off?!
(MUSIC STOPS)
INTERVIEWER
What can I do for you Alvina?
ALVINA
Oh, I just wanted to ask why there's a man and a woman in our waiting room hitting each other with sofa cushions.
INTERVIEWER
As long as it's just cushions.
ALVINA
They're really going for it though.
INTERVIEWER
I've got it under control.
ALVINA
You sure?
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, I've dealt with mad mimes and mafia bosses.
ALVINA
I'd send in Joey and Salvatore, but they're unloading replacement corpses from the van. Kozlowski needs to start work on the Fernsby disappearance right away.
INTERVIEWER
I'll be fine Alvina. You can tell Phil and Amber they can come back in.
ALVINA
Okeydokey.
INTERVIEWER
See you tonight.
ALVINA
Tonight?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Scrabble!
ALVINA
Oh...
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALVINA
Eh- You know... what day it is, right?
INTERVIEWER
Friday! Scrabble day!
ALVINA
The 14th of February.
INTERVIEWER
Um... Okay...?
ALVINA
Valentines day!
INTERVIEWER
Oh. You've got... (CLEARS THROAT) plans?
ALVINA
(EXCITED) Well, you know that demolition expert who helped us with the Birtwhistle disappearance?
INTERVIEWER
(LYING) No.
ALVINA
Of course you do! Tall guy,blonde curly hair, brown eyes, light beard-
INTERVIEWER
(NEARLY LOSING COMPOSURE) Alright alright.
ALVINA
(HAPPY) He gave me his number and...
INTERVIEWER
(LOUD) Alvina I'm very busy, I'm in the middle of an interview.
ALVINA
Oh… Okay… Oh, I brought you a thermos of cocoa. I thought since Salvatore is busy with the corpses, you might need-
INTERVIEWER (TRYING TO OVERPLAY HIS DISAPPOINTMENT)
(HIGH-PITCHED) Put it on my desk and tell Phil and Amber to come in. I haven't got all day.
ALVINA
Okay... Good luck!
(ALVINA LEAVES. THE INTERVIEWER PUTS ON THE MUSIC AGAIN AND POURS AND SIPS COCOA)
INTERVIEWER
Okay, happy place, happy place, happy place…
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
Deep breath in, (EXAGGERATED DEEP INTAKE OF BREATH) deep breath out (EXAGGERATED BREATH OUT), try not to cry… Okay. (CLEARS THROAT)
(SHOUTS) Come in!
(PHIL AND AMBER COME BACK IN, OUT OF BREATH)
PHIL
She almost smothered me with a cushion!
AMBER
He almost poked my eye out!
INTERVIEWER
(AGGRESSIVELY SHUSHING THEM, HE SOUNDS A LITTLE HYSTERIC)
Shhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Listen to the birds, listen to the water and inhale the scent of blood orange and teakwood.
(DEEP EXAGGERATED BREATHS BY ALL OF THEM)
Phil Smith and Amber Ainsworth. Nice to meet you! Can I offer you some cocoa? (WHISPERS) Say yes!
AMBER
Uh, uh, yes please.
INTERVIEWER
Here you go. Now, let's all sip together shall we?
(THEY ALL SIP EXAGGERATEDLY)
INTERVIEWER
Ahhhh. How can you hold a grudge in a world in which this cocoa exists? Now. Tell me what brings you to Amelia.
PHIL
We’re getting married.
(THE INTERVIEWER SPITS OUT COCOA IN SURPRISE)
INTERVIEWER
You’re joking.
PHIL
I wish. The wedding is in six hours.
(MUSIC ABRUPTLY STOPS)
INTERVIEWER
Six hours?!
AMBER
You've got to get us out of this! I can’t spend the rest of my life with that infantile imbecile!
PHIL
I’d rather eat slugs from a toilet bowl than get married to that stuck up snob!
INTERVIEWER
Then don’t get married!
AMBER
(DESPERATE AND HEARTBROKEN) We have to!
INTERVIEWER
What? Oh! I see... This is your parents’ idea?
AMBER
Don’t be ridiculous! My parents know a repulsive, moronic, moneyless, mush brained loser when they see one. They hate him more than I do.
INTERVIEWER
I don’t think that’s possible.
AMBER
I should have listened to them! But I was stubborn. Mum and Dad hate a scene, so they just grit their teeth and made their peace with it.
INTERVIEWER
You insisted on marrying Phil?
AMBER
What can I say? (GRAVELY) I made a mistake.
INTERVIEWER
Well, from what I can tell it sounds like your parents will be thrilled if you call it off!
AMBER
Not now they won’t! They’ve organised a proper Ainsworth wedding! Kew Gardens! Veuve Clicquot! Valentino wedding dress! Guests flying in from all over the world as we speak! My Dad has sunk a fortune into this wedding!
INTERVIEWER
And he hates a scene you said?
AMBER
If I send all those guests packing he’d die of shame! I can’t do that to him!
INTERVIEWER
What if it’s Phil’s fault? He leaves you at the altar, your parents get to have their initial grudge confirmed, and at least it’s not you causing the embarrassment.
PHIL
What?! I can’t do that!
INTERVIEWER
Why not?
PHIL
(LOUDLY) I’m marrying an Ainsworth! Do you know how happy this makes my family? This is the proudest day of their lives!
AMBER
Phil’s family think they've hit the jackpot, (WHISPERS) greedy vultures!
PHIL
Says the pampered snob! Your family is like a cactus. (LOUD WHISPER) Everyone in it is a prick!
(THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS, THE INTERVIEWER COUGHS TO MASK HIS OWN LAUGHTER)
AMBER
(MAKES SOUND OF A CYMBAL CRASH) Bravo Phil. Oh no, I mean it. That was a lot better than the kumquat.
INTERVIEWER
Let’s all calm down, have another sip of cocoa. Shall I put the bird song back on?
PHIL & AMBER (SIMULTANEOUSLY)
NO!
INTERVIEWER
So. Let's recap. Canceling the wedding isn’t an option.
AMBER
No.
PHIL
No.
INTERVIEWER
Neither, I assume, is... patching things up?
AMBER
Huh?! Patch things up with Phil? Never! Not now that I know the raging psychopath beneath!
PHIL
No way I'm getting married to a murderer!
INTERVIEWER
A murderer?!
PHIL
She tried to kill pancake!
INTERVIEWER
Pancake?
AMBER
(TO THE INTERVIEWER) It's just a guinea pig!
INTERVIEWER
I need you to tell me what happened from the beginning. Tell me your story.
PHIL
No time for stories! You just need to make us disappear before the wedding!
INTERVIEWER
There's always time for a story and I won't take on your case without it.
AMBER
(SIGHS) Very well. I was in the shower.
PHIL
I was in the kitchen making beetroot brownies.
INTERVIEWER
(CONFUSED) Why the devil would you put beetroot in brownies?
PHIL
I know, right? But it's the only way Amber eats them. I was trying to do something nice for her.
INTERVIEWER
Okay. Continue.
PHIL
Amber had left her phone next to the kitchen aid.
AMBER
And Phil snooped on my text messages!
PHIL
I did not! A message appeared on the home screen while I was pouring rice milk into the mixing bowl! It was right there in front of me. Couldn't miss it! A text from my best mate, Sean.
INTERVIEWER
What did the message say?
PHIL
"Text me when he's gone!"
INTERVIEWER
Oh.
(SHORT PAUSE)
What did you do?
PHIL
I texted back: "All clear" and waited at the door, armed with a hardback edition of The Joy of Cooking.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHTER)
AMBER
I come out of the shower and find the living room trashed. Broken plates and glasses everywhere, shattered windows, smashed TV. And in the middle of it all, Sean, bleeding into the carpet.
INTERVIEWER
Well I'll be an alligator's aunt!
AMBER
I try and arrange a surprise bachelor’s party, and that paranoid lunatic goes on a rampage!
INTERVIEWER
Wait... You weren't having an affair?
AMBER
Of course not!
INTERVIEWER
Oh...
AMBER
But that's not the end of it.
INTERVIEWER
What happened next?
AMBER
I get a text. From Phil. He's driven off with all my clothes stuffed into bin liners. Sends me a picture of himself standing at the dumpster behind Tesco about to chuck my entire wardrobe.
(PHIL CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER
What did you do?
AMBER
I texted back. "You do that and I kill Pancake."
PHIL
That was cruel! No need to drag Panacake into this!
AMBER
What kind of a sad thirty year old still has a guinea pig anyway?!
PHIL
What decent human being compares a pile of Chanel clothes to a life?!
AMBER
Not just Chanel! Westwood, Dior, Gaultier-
PHIL
(TO THE INTERVIEWER) See what a callous monster I'm up against?
AMBER
Come on! I didn't actually kill Pancake!
PHIL
She texted me a picture of herself standing over Pancake with a kitchen knife!
(THE INTERVIEWER GASPS)
PHIL
I logged onto Facebook, posted the picture and tagged Amber.
AMBER
Everybody saw that!
PHIL
That was the point!
AMBER
My friends-
PHIL
Your former friends!
AMBER
-my colleagues, my boss!
PHIL
Serves you right for killing-
AMBER
-didn't kill-
PHIL (CON’T)
- for threatening Pancake!
AMBER
Threatening Pancake was the only way I could force him to come back!
INTERVIEWER
Did he?
AMBER
What?
INTERVIEWER
Come back
PHIL
Of course! I needed to rescue Pancake! I speed home, run into the living room and find Amber making out with Sean.
AMBER
Ever heard of mouth to mouth resuscitation? I was trying to save your friend!
PHIL
(HESITANT) It looked like... I thought...
AMBER
Ah! "You thought." That's what got us into this whole mess. That paranoid pea sized brain of yours. Hear it rattling around in there like a marble in a tupperware box? And all because I was trying to throw you a surprise party!
PHIL
I didn't want a bachelor party!
AMBER
Who doesn't like parties? I was trying to be nice!
INTERVIEWER
It's not too late, you know.
AMBER
Too late for what?
INTERVIEWER
To be nice. To say sorry. To reconcile.
AMBER
Ha, that ship has sailed! Phil has exposed himself as the boneheaded brute he really is!
PHIL
I'll always see Amber as a "swivel eyed maniac" now. I'm quoting one of her Facebook friends.
(PAUSE)
AMBER
Go shove a cactus up your arse!
PHIL
Go snog a gorilla!
AMBER
Go shag a jellyfish!
INTERVIEWER
Stop! Stop! I’m going to help you.
PHIL
(RELIEVED) You are?
INTERVIEWER
Yes. I owe it to world peace.
(PAUSE)
INTERVIEWER
The wedding is in six hours?
AMBER
Yes. My appointment with the hairdresser is in twenty minutes.
INTERVIEWER
We’re going to need more time.
AMBER
Impossible.
INTERVIEWER
Do you think you could pretend to be in love, at least until the reception at Kew Gardens?
PHIL
What?!
AMBER
(TREMBLING) That's after church!
PHIL
That would mean...
AMBER
(GRAVELY) That would mean actually getting married!
INTERVIEWER
Only for a few hours.
AMBER
I don’t think I can watch Phil putting a ring on my finger without retching.
PHIL
I think I might snap Amber's finger off.
AMBER
We were hoping you could fake our death here and now.
PHIL
Yes! Something quick and simple.
INTERVIEWER
Faking death is an art! It has to be done properly. It mustn't raise suspicion. Your argument has been very public and a mysterious disappearance before the wedding would spark rumors. It's essential the wedding goes ahead as planned. Everybody will think you’ve made up. Then you’ll die in front of your wedding guests. With so many witnesses, there will be no doubt it was real.
AMBER
You want to kill us in front of the guests…?
INTERVIEWER
Absolutely.
PHIL
How will it work?
INTERVIEWER
While you’re at church we’ll pose as wedding planners, go to Kew Gardens, and set up a nice shiny dance floor.
PHIL
You want us to wait until the dance?
AMBER
That means we'll have to endure the meal,
(THE INTERVIEWER HUMS)
the speeches,
(THE INTERVIEWER HUMS)
the sketches…
PHIL
I can’t bear to hear Sean’s best man speech. Not after all this.
INTERVIEWER
Your parents have spent a bomb on this wedding and guests have come from all over the world. You don’t want to send them packing without so much as a canapé. That would be rude.
PHIL
The food needn't go to waste. They can re-use it for our funeral.
AMBER
Phil is so cheap.
PHIL
(TEASING) Amber uses banknotes instead of loo roll.
INTERVIEWER
I’m not letting your guests watch you die on an empty stomach. At Amelia we have standards.
AMBER
You are cruel.
INTERVIEWER
I’m your escape route.
PHIL
What happens after the guests have wined and dined?
INTERVIEWER
After the meal everyone goes out into the gardens for the first dance. Joey and Salvatore are passionate crooners and will give a rousing rendition of Al Green’s “Love and Happiness”. You’ll take to the shiny metal dance floor. The Chinese lanterns hanging above will reflect beautifully on it. It’s going to be magical.
AMBER
We don’t give a rat’s shit about the atmosphere. All we want is to never see each other again.
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
The guests will gather round the dance floor admiring you. We’ll have electric stand heaters.
PHIL
Stop worrying about the guests. Most of them are a bunch of insufferable toffs!
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
As the song reaches its climax, one of the electric stand heaters tips over and crashes onto the metal dance floor. There’s a crackle of electricity, a shower of sparks and you’ll be electrocuted in mid dance.
PHIL
Wow!
AMBER
Wow!
PHIL
Won't that kill us for real?
INTERVIEWER
We’ll fit you out with rubber shoes. You’ll be fine. The Amelia van, made up to look like an ambulance, will be parked just around the corner to whisk you off to your new life.
AMBER
Perfect!
INTERVIEWER
How would you like to resurface?
PHIL
Oh, I just want to get as far away from Amber as humanly possible.
AMBER
I don't want to risk seeing Phil ever again.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. In that case we’ll make you resurface in remote places at opposite ends of the globe. How about Tasmania and Nova Scotia?
AMBER
It’s a deal!
INTERVIEWER
Not until we’ve discussed payment, it’s not.
AMBER
Oh... I have a trust fund, but I was thinking of withdrawing most of that for my new life-
INTERVIEWER
You mentioned Champagne?
AMBER
Sorry?
INTERVIEWER
For the wedding. Champagne?
AMBER
Oh. Oh, Yeah. Veuve Clicquot. Crates of the stuff.
INTERVIEWER
Say no more. You owe me ten crates. We're running out. In fact I believe this is our last bottle. Shall we crack it open?
PHIL
As long as I don’t have to toast with her.
INTERVIEWER
You’re going to have to endure plenty of toasts today, might as well get some practice.
PHIL
I suppose.
INTERVIEWER
Would you mind opening this?
PHIL
(HAPPY) Certainly.
AMBER
Stop pointing it at me you loon!
(POP OF THE CHAMPAGNE CORK)
PHIL
(FLATLY) Damn. Missed.
AMBER
Freak.
INTERVIEWER
I propose a toast. To everlasting love!
INTERVIEWER, PHIL, AMBER
To everlasting love!
(WEDDING MARCH. PHIL AND AMBER OFF. THE WEDDING MARCH FADES OUT)
EPILOGUE
(SOUND OF PELTING RAIN. A KNOCK)
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED) Come in.
ALVINA
I'm soaked!
INTERVIEWER
Alvina? Aren't you supposed to be with-
ALVINA
What are you eating?
INTERVIEWER
Leftover Canapés from the Ainsworth wedding. These Pea and prawn crostinis really are quite something.
ALVINA
Smells funny in here.
INTERVIEWER
It's the candle.
ALVINA
Why have you still got that thing on?
INTERVIEWER
I like it. Blood orange and teakwood.
ALVINA
Hmm. Mind if I help myself to one of those?
INTERVIEWER
A guacamole cone?
ALVINA
Yep.
INTERVIEWER
Go for it.
ALVINA
Thanks. I'm famished.
INTERVIEWER
Alvina, I thought-
ALVINA
He… didn't turn up.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. I'm... (GENUINE) I'm sorry.
ALVINA
Waited at the table for over an hour. Then I left.
INTERVIEWER
Ah. No dinner then.
(CRASH OF THUNDER)
ALVINA
No. Had a few whiskeys though.
INTERVIEWER
Well, there's enough here for two! The mini lamb kebab skewers are rather nice, and the smoked salmon, cottage cheese and rocket rolls are exquisite! You must try the courgette curls too and you'll love the cheese and chutney scones. A word of warning about the chilly philly potato cakes though, they're hot!
ALVINA
Okay I'll start with that, what's that?
INTERVIEWER
Stilton and asparagus rarebit bites.
ALVINA
Uh, yum.
INTERVIEWER
I can't wait to move on to the chocolate and cranberry cheesecake shots for dessert. Oh and I've got just the thing to go with it!
ALVINA
What's that?
INTERVIEWER
They paid us in Veuve Clicquot!
ALVINA
Ha! Maybe being stood up wasn't so bad after all.
INTERVIEWER
Let's tuck in! (CHUCKLES)
ALVINA
I've just thought of something.
INTERVIEWER
Hm? What's that?
ALVINA
(CHUCKLES) It's my five year anniversary.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
ALVINA
It's exactly five years since I disappeared and started my new life here.
INTERVIEWER
The 14th of February…
ALVINA & THE INTERVIEWER SIMULTANEOUSLY
2012...
INTERVIEWER
Gosh! You're absolutely right! That was a stormy day too...
ALVINA
Oh yes! Amelia had difficulty getting to my island.
(CRACK OF THUNDER)
INTERVIEWER
I remember. It doesn't take much to shock Amelia but she almost turned back.
(ALVINA HUMS)
You know, maybe that demolition fellow had a lucky escape.
ALVINA
(SCOFFS, OFFENDED) What do you mean?!
INTERVIEWER
Well the men you date do have a tendency of ending up… dead.
ALVINA
Oh please! That was five years ago!
INTERVIEWER
I love that story! Will you tell it to me again?
ALVINA
This isn't the moment.
INTERVIEWER
Isn’t the moment?! We've got candles, we've got champagne, we've got mushroom blinis... What better moment?
ALVINA
Not now.
INTERVIEWER
There's always time for a story Alvina!
ALVINA
Well, this story is going to have to wait for another time.
(PAUSE, SOMEONE IN THE AUDIENCE MAKES A SAD SOUND)
Right now I have to concentrate on these crab parcels. If you want some you better hurry before I polish them all off.
INTERVIEWER
Oh very well.
ALVINA
(AMUSED, TEMPTING) Scrabble?
INTERVIEWER
Scrabble!
(MUSIC SETS IN, TOGETHER WITH APPLAUSE)
CREDITS (PHILIP)
This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Felix Trench as Phil, Emily Stride as Amber, and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. The episode was written by Philip Thorne, it was directed by Øystein Brager and Philip Thorne, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. And graphics by Anders Pedersen (APPLAUSE) Thanks to Andy Goddard for recording assistance and thanks to our super patrons Sophia Anderson, Steve Mien and Kathi Sindelar, and finally - thanks to PodUK for inviting us to perform here at Millenium Point in Birmingham!
(MUSIC ENDS, MORE APPLAUSE)
...Hope you enjoyed the show, hope it made you feel a little bit like you were there, if you’d like to see us live, you can check our website ameliapodcast.com where we will post any future performance dates. We’re working hard on season 3, and if you want updates on how that’s progressing, and also see photos from the PodUK show, you can follow us on Twitter, @amelia_podcast. And, if you want to help us keep making the show, you can become a patron! Even a contribution of just one or two Dollars per episode really helps. Think of it as buying us a pack of Maltesers, every time we release an episode, or a cup of cocoa! Or, if your budget stretches that far, a glass of veuve clicquot! Whatever you can afford, and whatever makes sense to you. Head over to patreon.com/ameliapodcast (...) to make your pledge, and I will send you a personal video thank you message, within a week of you signing up. You'd be making us so happy! Bye for now, and until the next time!
END OF EPISODE