EPISODE 26: T.I.P.
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.
PHILIP
Welcome back to The Amelia Project. We left off last week with the Interviewer being escorted out of the office, and today the story continues. This episode is dedicated to Angel Acevedo. A heartfelt thank you to you Angel from the whole Amelia team for your generous support. It’s really appreciated. And now it’s time to begin the new episode.
PROLOGUE
AMELIA
What do you mean he hasn't been here since two o clock? That's... six hours ago!
JOEY
He said he was just going out to get a KitKat...
ALVINA
A KitKat? Seriously?! And you didn't find that suspicious?!
JOEY
It's just a - you know -
ALVINA
He never eats KitKats!
AMELIA
Joey! Salvatore! I need you to take the back exit and check if anyone is outside.
SALVATORE
Yes boss!
JOEY AND SALVATORE LEAVE.
ALVINA
They've got him. Oh, this is bad. This is bad. This is-
AMELIA
Alvina, there's more.
ALVINA
What do you mean?
AMELIA
Sit down.
ALVINA
What's-
AMELIA
Sit down.
ALVINA
Okay.
AMELIA
I've had word from Hampstead and Battersea.
ALVINA
Yes?
AMELIA
Break ins.
ALVINA
No!
AMELIA
Tapes, files, computers. Everything has been taken.
ALVINA
(GROANS)
AMELIA
There's even more. When Walter was bringing replacement corpses to the barn in Kendal, he saw three men with earpieces. He turned around before they caught sight of him.
ALVINA
So MI5 knows it all? There's no place to hide?
AMELIA
These men were Chinese.
ALVINA
What?!
AMELIA
It seems we have more than just MI5 on our backs.
ALVINA
He... He might not have been taken by MI5 then?
AMELIA
Perhaps not.
JOEY AND SALVATORE ENTER.
SALVATORE
The street is empty.
AMELIA
Joey, Salvatore. I need you to keep watch. Anything unusual, you call me.
JOEY
Yes ma'am.
JOEY AND SALVATORE LEAVE.
ALVINA
What now?
A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
ALVINA
Oh. It's the next client. How do we interview him?
AMELIA
I'll do it.
THEME TUNE.
INTRO TITLES
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 26. T.I.P.
THE INTERVIEW
AMELIA
Welcome!
MATEO
Do you mind if I smoke?
AMELIA
Do you mind if I throw darts?
MATEO
Excuse me?
AMELIA
It helps me think.
THWACK OF A DART.
AMELIA
See that midge over there?
MATEO
I... think so?
THWACK OF A DART.
MATEO
Wow! Bulls eye!
AMELIA
Your turn to impress me.
MATEO
Ahhhhh…
AMELIA
We only accept the most exclusive cases. Drug lords with a price on their heads. Scientists escaping their own inventions.
MATEO
Can I have some of that first?
AMELIA
Cocoa?
AMELIA POURS.
AMELIA
It's my grandmother's recipe.
MATEO
(DRINKS AND SIGHS)
This is amazing! You can tell you grandm-
AMELIA
She's dead.
MATEO
Oh. Sorry.
AMELIA
Don't be. Tell me about your death.
MATEO
My death?
AMELIA
Yes. How would you like to die?
MATEO
I don't.
AMELIA
You don't want to die.
MATEO
No.
AMELIA
Then why are you here?
MATEO
(CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
Should I... know you?
MATEO
Here's my card.
AMELIA
(READS) Tip.
MATEO
T.I.P.
AMELIA
Okay… What's T.I.P?
MATEO
The Incognito Project.
AMELIA
And what does... "The Incognito Project" do?
MATEO
We make people disappear.
AMELIA
Get out.
MATEO
You know what? I'm going to help myself to a bit more of that cocoa!
HE PUTS HIS FEET ON THE DESK.
AMELIA
Take your feet off my desk.
MATEO
It's nice to finally meet you.
AMELIA
Cut the bullshit and tell me why you're here.
MATEO
Mind if throw one of those darts?
HE TAKES A DART AND THROWS. IT BOUNCES OFF THE WALL AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR.
AMELIA
I know who you are. You specialize in life insurance scams.
MATEO
Yes!
AMELIA
I use the word "specialize" generously. You were caught on camera last month digging up a guy in Highgate Cemetery, then driving him off on a motorcycle. What were you doing burying someone alive?!
MATEO
Our coffins are state of the art. Oxygen tanks, back massage technology, broadband. We pop some protein bars in the deceased's pockets and they survive for days.
AMELIA
Huh.
MATEO
Smart coffins. It's the future of death fraud.
AMELIA
I hear you faked someones death by mistake. Why don’t you tell me about that.
MATEO
Argh! That woman had a twin sister! Freak coincidence!
AMELIA
What did you do when you found out you'd got the wrong woman?
MATEO
Well, it was too late. She was already in the coffin.
AMELIA
Oh God.
MATEO
Yeah, her sister looked shifty as hell at the funeral though, I can tell you that.
AMELIA
Wait… You went through with it?!
MATEO
Yeah, we set her up with a new life in Costa Rica.
AMELIA
Against her will?!
MATEO
Costa Rica is nice. They have great shellfish.
AMELIA
Why are you here?
MATEO
Why do you think?
AMELIA
You want to learn from us?
MATEO
(CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
Okay. Tell me what you want or leave. I don't have time for games.
MATEO
(POURS COCOA AND SIGHS.)
AMELIA
Well? Do you have a job for us?
MATEO DRINKS.
MATEO
I don't.
AMELIA
In that case-
MATEO
But I think you might have a job for us.
AMELIA
Excuse me?
MATEO
Don't act so surprised.
AMELIA
What job could we possibly have for you?
MATEO
Really? Is that how you wanna play it?
AMELIA
Mhm! Half your clients come here begging us to fix your cock ups! That's the half that doesn't get arrested or accidentally killed! You're amateurs!
MATEO
And yet... We're not the ones running from MI5. Oooh! Yes. We have our sources.
AMELIA
So... You've come here to... gloat?
MATEO
Honestly? Yes. A bit. But there's more to it than that. We've decided to help you.
AMELIA
Help us?! Why? How?
MATEO
By faking your deaths. In return we get your contacts, your case files and your surgeon. Plus that cocoa recipe.
AMELIA
Are you serious about this?
MATEO
One hundred percent.
AMELIA
Do you have a plan?
MATEO
It's all worked out.
AMELIA
Shoot.
MATEO
Okay. You're going to call this number and give yourselves up.
AMELIA
Give ourselves up?!
MATEO
Wait, wait! There's more!
AMELIA
Yeah, there better be.
MATEO
Okay, the police arrive, handcuff you and put you in a van.
AMELIA
So far I'm really not liking this plan.
MATEO
On the way to Belmarsh prison the van collides with a swerving bus. Shattered glass! Flames! Chaos!
AMELIA
Wow.
MATEO
We'll swoop in as paramedics and retrieve you.
AMELIA
You think you can swing that?
MATEO
It's all set up. Your smart coffins are already waiting. All we need to know is what flavor protein bars you'd like.
AMELIA
You're crazy.
MATEO
I'm offering you a way out!
AMELIA
Thanks, but no.
MATEO
(CHUCKLES)
AMELIA
I said no!
MATEO
Here.
SLIDES A PIECE OF PAPER ACROSS THE DESK.
AMELIA
What's that?
MATEO
Take the number and call.
AMELIA
Wasn't I clear? No. No. No. I wouldn't let you fake my death in a million years!
MATEO
You have no choice.
AMELIA
Um, what?
MATEO
If you don't call this number... I will. Well, one way or another the police will arrive. The question is whether or not we strike a deal before they get here.
AMELIA
You think you can replace us? You really think that?
MATEO
The Amelia Project has had its run. Everything comes to an end.
AMELIA
You think that by studying our case files and stealing our surgeon you can be like us?
MATEO
And the cocoa. Don't forget the cocoa.
AMELIA
You'll never be like us.
MATEO
Maybe not... But we'll be the only players left in town.
AMELIA
Supposing we struck a deal...
MATEO
Yes! That's the right thing to do.
AMELIA
What about our new lives?
MATEO
What?
AMELIA
You've told me about our deaths, but how do we resurface?
MATEO
We specialize in South America. We could bring you back as Peruvian farmers!
AMELIA
Maize, quinoa, rice or coffee?
MATEO
‘Scuse me?
AMELIA
What type of agriculture?
MATEO
Um... Quinoa?
AMELIA
You don't have a clue do you.
MATEO
We will work out these details later!
AMELIA
I don't trust you.
MATEO
You have my word.
AMELIA
Who's to say you won't just bury us for real?
MATEO
Beggars can't be choosers. So? You've made up your mind? Do we have a deal?
AMELIA
Right now there's just one decision, and it's for you.
MATEO
Oh? What's that?
AMELIA
Do you want to leave with or without a dart stuck in your ballyballs?
MATEO
Don't tell me you'd rather be behind bars than soaking up the sun drinking Mai Tais!
AMELIA
That’s not even Peruvian!
MATEO
A Mai Tai is an international delight!
AMELIA
I will count to three.
MATEO
I'll call the police.
AMELIA
One.
MATEO
I'll give you five minutes to change your mind. Then I'll call the police!
AMELIA
Two.
MATEO
Okay, you have my card! Adios!
MATEO LEAVES IN A HURRY.
AMELIA
Three!
MATEO
On the backside of the card there’s an email you can use to -
AMELIA
Get out!
MATEO
Do you want the door open or closed?
AMELIA
Garhhhh!
A DART THWACKS INTO THE CLOSING DOOR.
- AD BREAK -
A HOTEL ROOM. A KNOCK ON THE DOOR.
MATEO
Yummy, yummy, yummy in my tummy! Is that room service?
JOHN
No.
JOHN ENTERS.
MATEO
Aw, then who is it?
JOHN
Are you Mateo?
MATEO
Maybe?
JOHN
For fuck’s sake, you don’t make it easy to find you, do you! Why the hell are you in a hotel in London?
MATEO
Who are you?
JOHN
A client.
MATEO
Ah! Ah! I see! Welcome to The Incognito Project! How was your journey?
JOHN
You don’t recognise me?
MATEO
Do I know you?
JOHN
You helped me disappear. Or rather, you were supposed to.
MATEO
I’m sorry, but after reconstructive surgery it’s supposed to be impossible to recognise the client, even for T.I.P. staff.
JOHN
Reconstructive?! Your so called “surgeon” drew a mole on my cheek - with a sharpie!
MATEO
Well, yes, I can see how that might seem insufficient, but it is incredible how little you really need to do to look different -
JOHN
They’re after me again.
MATEO
Who?
JOHN
The cops.
MATEO
Who are you again?
JOHN
John Grizzle. Previously Jonathan Gruttle.
MATEO
Oh, you! Yes, I do remember you. It is a pleasure to see you again!
JOHN
No, it really isn’t! You said I would be safe to keep robbing banks!
MATEO
Did I?
JOHN
That was the deal! A new life, just like the old one, but without a criminal record!
MATEO
And we didn’t deliver…?
JOHN
I was caught on camera. Now my face is all over the news and they know it’s me! They know I didn’t die!
MATEO
How did they recognise you with the mole? You could be your twin brother -
JOHN
On that blurry security footage you can’t even see the mole!
MATEO
So… what you’re saying is you need a new disappearance?
JOHN
Yes.
MATEO
Well aren’t you lucky! At T.I.P your second disappearance is always half price!
JOHN
I don’t want to use The Incognito Project.
MATEO
Sorry?
JOHN
I don’t want you buffoons anywhere near me ever again.
MATEO
Then why are you here?
JOHN
I need a referral.
MATEO
Ah…
JOHN
Last time you said you were the best in the business. That means there must be others. I want to know who your competitors are.
MATEO
We don’t have any.
JOHN
But you said -
MATEO
I say a lot of things.
JOHN
If you’re the best, that means there must be…
MATEO
Best and only!
JOHN
Only?
MATEO
Only.
JOHN
That kind of makes the ‘best’ part less impressive doesn’t it?
MATEO
No. We could be the only and worst. I mean, that would be disastrous.
JOHN
So I’m basically fucked then.
MATEO
Like I said, your second disappearance is half price! That’s 50% off!
JOHN
You know what? I don’t believe you. If a bunch of nitwits like you could come up with this harebrained business model, someone else must have too. And with or without your help, I’m gonna find them.
JOHN GETS UP AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
MATEO
Listen! Wait! I’ll make your second disappearance on the house! It’ll be free!
THE DOOR SLAMS SHUT.
MATEO
Oh, damn! Okay, guess it’s time…
MATEO DIALS A NUMBER.
CUT TO COLE AND HAINES.
HAINES
Heads or tails?
COLE
Tails.
SOUND OF A COING BEING FLIPPED.
HAINES
Ha! You make the call.
COLE
(GROANS)
HAINES
Go on then. Call Northcott. Brace yourself for the cursing.
COLE
Yeah, but she's going to go ballistic!
HAINES
Yeah, that's putting it... mildly.
PHONE VIBRATES.
COLE
Huh. Incoming call.
HAINES
Important?
COLE
Well, there’s no caller ID...
HAINES
Well go on. Answer!
COLE TAKES THE CALL.
COLE
Yes... Yes... Right...
COLE GETS OUT SOMETHING TO WRITE WITH.
COLE
Bermondsey, 36 Leroy Street... Got it. Uh, can I take down a contact number for you, it’s just we - uh. Hello? He hung up.
HAINES
What did he say?
COLE
We’re saved! We don’t have to tell Northcott. This isn’t over yet!
HAINES
Are you serious?
COLE
Put Leroy Street into the GPS.
HAINES
Okay. Leroy Street…
COLE
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah…
CUT TO THE AMELIA OFFICE.
AMELIA
(INTO THE INTERCOM) Alvina!
THE DOOR OPENS. ALVINA ENTERS.
AMELIA
It's time to implement the third option.
ALVINA
You mean...
AMELIA
We have to leave at once.
ALVINA
But...
AMELIA
You've got one minute to grab any essentials. We need Joey and Salvatore to get the van ready. (INTO THE INTERCOM) Joey! Salvatore!
JOEY AND SALVATORE ENTER. THEY'RE OUT OF BREATH.
SALVATORE
A new message on the answer phone!
AMELIA
What?
SALVATORE
New voice mail! Just in!
AMELIA
No, we’re closed for business.
SAlVATORE
Oh, you're going to want to hear this!
ALVINA
What is it?
JOEY
Just listen!
AMELIA
Okay...
SALVATORE PRESSES PLAY.
INTERVIEWER
(FROM VOICEMAIL) Amelia? Alvina? It's me.
END THEME TUNE.
PHILIP
We hope you enjoyed today’s episode. Do you want to delve behind the scenes and get to know the Amelia team? Well, on a regular basis we hold Cocoa Corner Video Live Stream Q and A’s for our $5 patrons. The next one will take place on the 4th of October with Oystein Brager and Anders Pedersen and there will be another one on the 15th November with Julia Morizawa. To take part go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast. That’s p a t r e o n dot com slash ameliapodcast and join our community. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager. It was directed by Julia Morizawa and Benjamin Noble, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. The episode featured Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Michael Govier as Mateo, Brad C. Wilcox as John Gruttle, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Gianluca Iumiento as Joey, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Benjamin Noble as agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as agent Cole and Alan Burgon as the Interviewer. The episode was enginered by Evan Cunningham, Gabriel Geber and Robert Rustad Amundsen. It was co-produced by Julia Morizawa and Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to all our patrons who make this show possible, and a special thank you to Jem Fidyk, Eric Da’ Maj, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson and Katharina Sindelar.
We’re now settling into our usual biweekly release schedule, so our next episode will be in two weeks time, but fear not, a little treat will pop up on your feed next Monday to tide over the wait. And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
MATEO
Congratulations. You have reached The Incognito Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there’s no way back.
UPBEAT LATIN AMERICAN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING.
MATEO
Good choice! A new life awaits! Do you like South America? You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don’t hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Not the beep I just said, there’ll be a physical be-
BEEP.
POST ROLL AD
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.
END OF EPISODE.