Episode 28 - Todd
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.
PHILIP
Hello dear Amelia listeners! The interviewer is in Russia and MI5 agents COLE and HAINES are headed for the Amelia office in London. The story continues in todays episode which is dedicated to our Australian listener Jem Fidyk! Jem actually once came very close to being disappeared by us, but that is a story for another time. Right now here’s the new episode, “Todd”.
PROLOGUE
AMELIA
Joey, load up the van with as many boxes as you can!
STUFF IS BEING MOVED AROUND.
ALVINA
SALVATORE, start shredding these!
JOEY
Si si! Va bene, va bene.
SHREDDING.
AMELIA
Hurry!
SALVATORE
I'm going as fast as I can!
AMELIA
Five more minutes then we're out of here!
THEME MUSIC
TITLES
The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 28: Todd.
THE INTERVIEW
SHREDDING.
AMELIA
SALVATORE, go start up the van. Joey, hail a cab.
ALVINA
Why don't we just take the beetle?
AMELIA
We can't afford to break down. Not today.
JOEY
Si si, va bene boss!
JOEY AND SALVATORE LEAVE.
ALVINA
How are you feeling?
AMELIA
Well. There’s no time for nostalgia.
ALVINA
She would be so proud of you. You know that right?
AMELIA
We had a good run here.
ALVINA
Yes.
KNOCK ON DOOR.
TODD
(FROM BEHIND DOOR) Hello?
AMELIA
Who's that?
THE DOOR OPENS AND TODD COMES IN.
TODD
Is this The Amelia Project?
AMELIA
What do you want?
TODD
To disappear. That's what you lot do in’it?
ALVINA
This isn't a good time.
TODD
I had to steal a motorbike, shake off five policemen and stab a bloke just to get here.
ALVINA
I’m not interested, no time. Please go.
TODD
I can pay! In cash!
ALVINA
We don't care!
SOUND OF A SWITCHBLADE.
TODD
What about now?
ALVINA
(SCREAMS)
AMELIA
Nice!
TODD
You help me or I'll slit your stomachs and strangle you with your intestines!
AMELIA
Seriously? Now?
ALVINA
It seems we got off on the wrong foot, Mr...
TODD
Todd.
ALVINA
Sorry, it's just that we're rather preoccupied right now.
TODD
You'll put whatever it is on hold.
ALVINA
(RUEFUL LAUGH) We can't "put it on hold."
TODD
You can and you will.
AMELIA
MI5 will be here any minute.
TODD
(LAUGHS, THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY) Wait, you're serious?
ALVINA
Told you.
TODD
Shit!
AMELIA
Here's what we'll do. There's a cab waiting outside. Come with us and we'll give you a consultation on the ride. Deal?
TODD
Okay, but I might have to stab the driver.
ALVINA
What?!
TODD
My face is in the papers. Chances are he'll recognize me.
AMELIA
Bandages!
ALVINA
Good thinking!
ALVINA TEARS OPEN A DRAWER, REMOVES A BANDAGE ROLL AND GETS TO WORK.
TODD
Hey hey, what are you doing!
ALVINA
Wrapping up your head. We'll say you got hit in the face by a golf ball.
TODD
(FROM BEHIND BANDAGES) Hey! I need to be able to breath!
AMELIA
Let's go!
TODD
I can hardly see!
AMELIA
Hurry!
ALVINA AND AMELIA DASH OUT OF THE OFFICE WITH TODD BEHIND THEM.
CUT TO THE VAN:
SALVATORE
Good to go?
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) One minute, I need to take a leak.
JOEY OPENS THE CAR DOOR.
SALVATORE
Stop! Joey! Get back in!
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) It's urgent...
SALVATORE
You can pee when we get there.
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Fine.
SALVATORE
Seat belt.
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Seat belts are for wussies!
SALVATORE
Seat belt!
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Okay okay.
CLICK OF JOEY’S SEAT BELT. A RUSTLE.
SALVATORE
Did you hear that?
JOEY
No.
SALVATORE
I thought I heard... something in the back.
A MUCH LOUDER RUSTLE.
SALVATORE
What was that? Hey? Who's there?!
HAINES
Hands above your heads!
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) What the fuck?!
COLE
Looks like we got here just in time...
SALVATORE
We're only going to Tesco's to get some loo roll.
COLE
Oh! You box up your office every time you go to Tesco's do you?
HAINES
Shit! COLE! Look!
COLE
What?
HAINES
The others are getting into a taxi! Two women and... an Egyptian mummy?
COLE
Must be the interviewer!
HAINES
We have to follow them! Hey! Drive!
SALVATORE
Does that mean I can lower my hands?
HAINES
Yes! I said drive!
SALVATORE TURNS ON THE IGNITION.
COLE
Follow that taxi!
HAINES
If you fall behind or try and warn them, you'll regret it! Is that clear?
SALVATORE
Si si si! (MUMBLES IN ITALIAN)
CUT TO MOVING TAXI:
AMELIA
To the Russian embassy.
CABBIE
Alright, love.
AMELIA
(INDIGNANT WHISPER) Did he just call me love?
ALVINA
(WHISPERS) Not now Amelia!
CABBIE
Why is he holding a... um... a knife?
TODD
(WHISPERS) Do you think he suspects something?
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) I think it would help if you put away the knife.
TODD
(INDIGNANT WHISPER) It's not a knife, it's a cut-throat razor!
CABBIE
Is he bothering you love?
AMELIA
(INDIGNANT WHISPER) If he calls me love one more time I'm gonna punch him in the face!
ALVINA
(LOUD TO CABBIE) No no! Everything's fine!
CABBIE
You're sure?
TODD
(WHISPERS) You want me to take care of him? I could, ya’ know (MAKES SOUND OF CUTTING A THROAT)
ALVINA
Here. Take these.
CABBIE
What's that poppet?
ALVINA
Earplugs.
CABBIE
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) You want me to... Are you joking? You're... you're not? You really want me to...?
AMELIA
(HARSHLY) Just put in the damn earplugs!
CABBIE
(NERVOUSLY) Yes ma'am!
ALVINA
Are they in? He can't hear us.
AMELIA
Todd, you can tell us your story.
CUT TO VAN:
HAINES
I wonder where they're going...
COLE
Haines, if you keep an eye on the Italians, I'll take a look into the boxes here.
HAINES
Go for it.
COLE
Yeah.
COLE OPENS A BOX.
COLE
More tapes! Tons of them!
HAINES
Good!
COLE OPENS ANOTHER BOX.
COLE
Files too.
HAINES
Excellent.
COLE
This could be keeping us going for years. I'd say there are a good dozen boxes here. There's also a bulky zip bag...
COLE STARTS UNZIPPING THE BAG.
JOEY
No no no!
SALVATORE
Don't touch it!
JOEY
(IN ITALIAN) Keep away from it!
COLE UNZIPS THE BAG.
COLE
Whaaaaaa!
HAINES
What is it?!
COLE
A dead body!
CUT TO THE TAXI:
TODD
Where do I begin?
ALVINA
Tell us why you're in trouble.
TODD
Right. See, it all started with this one star review on Trip Advisor.
AMELIA
A review for what?
TODD
I have a pie shop.
ALVINA
Customer complained about the pie?
TODD
Yeah. Found a fingernail in it.
ALVINA
Um… Why was there a... fingernail in the pie?!
TODD
A few weeks ago our meat grinder got jammed. Hasn't been mincing properly ever since.
CUT TO VAN:
JOEY
That's not a dead body!
COLE
Oh, it's not?! What is it then?!
JOEY
That's Kozlowski.
COLE
The surgeon? Looks pretty dead to me.
JOEY
Not dead. Drugged.
HAINES
You drugged him?
SALVATORE
Nah. Drugged himself. Doesn't like car journeys. Prefers to sleep.
CUT TO TAXI:
ALVINA
What kind of a butcher are you?
TODD
Eh, not a butcher. Barber.
AMELIA
Just what we need. A psychopath from a Victorian melodrama.
ALVINA
You're really called Todd, you're a barber and you make questionable pies?
TODD
Oy! I make excellent pies!
ALVINA
(QUEASILY) I think I'm going to be sick.
TODD
Meat all tastes the same once it's been seasoned with mustard powder and fried up with onions.
ALVINA
(RETCHES)
AMELIA
Stop the car, my colleague has to throw up!
TODD
He can't hear you.
AMELIA
(TAPS CABBIE ON THE SHOULDER) Hey, mister!
CABBIE
(JUMPS IN SHOCK) Oh!!
AMELIA
Pull up. My colleague is going to be sick.
CABBIE
Of course madam!
CUT TO VAN:
HAINES
They're slowing down.
COLE
Ready to make a move?
HAINES
Yeah.
HAINES LOADS HIS GUN.
COLE
He's got his indicator out. They're going to pull up at the bus stop.
HAINES
Pull up behind them. If you hoot or flash the lights I'll make sure you serve a double sentence, got it?
JOEY
Cazzo!
CUT TO TAXI:
ALVINA
(QUEASILY) It's alright Amelia, I've got a bag. Don't lose time because of me.
RUSTLE OF PAPER BAG.
AMELIA
Stopping for two minutes really isn’t going to make a difference. You need some fresh air.
ALVINA
(TO CABBIE) Keep driving.
CABBIE
Yes ma'am.
TODD
And put those plugs back in or I'll cut your ears off!
CABBIE
Jesus! All right.
CUT TO VAN:
JOEY & SALVATORE
(CHEER) Bravo! Bravo!
HAINES
They're speeding back up!
COLE
You think they're on to us?
HAINES
What did you do?
SALVATORE
I did nothing!
COLE
Nothing?
HAINES
Keep driving. At the next traffic lights, we pounce!
CUT TO TAXI:
ALVINA
(QUEASILY) So... a customer found a fingernail in their pie and gave you a one star review on Trip Advisor...
AMELIA
Why did they give you one star?
TODD
I know, right?! My pies are way superior to your average supermarket sausage! No flavorings and powdered preservatives! Everything locally sourced! Slaughter to plate in under two hours! Where else in London can you get that?
AMELIA
No, I mean why did they give you any stars?
TODD
Oh. Trip Advisor doesn't allow zero stars.
CUT TO VAN:
HAINES
Shit!!!
COLE
What?
HAINES
They've just passed a level crossing! The gates are closing! Speed up! We can still make it!
SALVATORE
(IN ITALIAN) Impossible!
HAINES
Come on!!! Give it some welly!!!
SALVATORE
Fuck! You're going to get us killed up in here!
HAINES
It's an order!!!
ROAR OF THE VAN ACCELERATING. DING DING DING OF LEVEL CROSSING CLOSING.
JOEY
Cazzo! Merde!
HAINES
Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit!
SCREECHING OF BREAKS AS TRAIN APPROACHES.
CUT TO TAXI:
DINGING OF LEVEL CROSSING IN THE BACKGROUND.
ALVINA
Amelia...
AMELIA
Yes?
ALVINA
Looks like Joey and SALVATORE have fallen behind.
AMELIA
Oh. They have GPS don't they?
ALVINA
Yeah, but they don't know how to use it. I think we should wait for them.
ALVINA TAPS CABBIE ON SHOULDER.
CABBIE
(ANOTHER START OF SURPRISE) Oh!!
ALVINA
Pull up in front of that Waitrose please. We're waiting for a blue van to catch up.
CABBIE
Certainly.
THE TAXI PULLS TO A HALT.
ALVINA
So, people found out what goes into your pies and I'm guessing all hell broke loose.
TODD
They should have known!
ALVINA
You think?!
TODD
Oh come on! I run a pie shop on Fleet Street called "Sweeney's" right next to a Barber called "Todd's". Not rocket science.
AMELIA
Who are your customers?
TODD
Tourists mostly.
ALVINA
I'm sure they didn't actually expect... I'm sure they were just coming for the... for the experience!
TODD
Exactly! I give them the authentic London experience!
AMELIA
That's Joey and Salvatore coming.
CABBIE
Want me to continue driving?
AMELIA
No, give us a minute. (TO ALVINA) I'll go and set the GPS for them.
ALVINA
Good idea.
CUT TO VAN:
COLE
HAINES! HAINES! Look!
JOEY & SALVATORE
(GROAN IN ITALIAN) Idiots!!! What are they doing??!
HAINES
(THRILLED AND RELIEVED) Oh, thank fuck!!!
JOEY
Cazzo!
HAINES
Pull up behind them.
COLE
There’s a woman getting out of the car!
HAINES
Probably Alvina.
VAN PULLS TO A HALT.
HAINES
Here we go! Ready?
COLE
Ready!
COLE AND HAINES UNFASTEN THEIR SEAT BELTS AND OPEN THE VAN DOOR.
CUT TO MOVING MERCEDES:
JACKIE
A man's getting out of the van!
MIA
Must be the Interviewer.
JACKIE
Here we go! Ready?
MIA
Ready!
MIA AND JACKIE OPEN THE CAR DOOR AND CHARGE OUT OF THE CAR. THEY RUN OVER TO COLE AND HAINES AND WRESTLE THEM TO THE GROUND.
MIA
Ha!
JACKIE
Gotcha!
MIA
Don't move!
COLE
(FACE SMOTHERED TO THE GROUND) What??? Let go! Let go! Let go! Let - Ouch!
HAINES
(FACE SMOTHERED TO THE GROUND) Stop this right now!!!
CUT TO TAXI:
ALVINA
Oh my God! Amelia! Get back in the car!
AMELIA GETS BACK IN AND SLAMS THE DOOR.
AMELIA
What's going on?!
ALVINA
They must have been following Joey and Salvatore!
TODD
Is that MI5?!
AMELIA
We're not hanging around to find out. (YELLS AT CABBIE) GO GO GO!
CABBIE
(TREMBLING) Yes! Yes!
ROAR OF THE ENGINE.
CUT TO OUTSIDE VAN:
CLICK OF A PAIR OF HANDCUFFS.
JACKIE
Tight enough for you sweetiekins?
COLE
(FACE TO GROUND) Oh you must be shitting me! You?! Again?!
JACKIE
Um, Mia? I think I recognize that voice...
MIA
Oh. I definitely recognize that voice.
HAINES
(FACE TO GROUND) Let me go. Turn me around. I can't- (COUGHS)
MIA AND JACKIE ROLL COLE AND HAINES OVER.
JACKIE
Well, isn't this a lovely surprise.
HAINES
(FURIOUS) We had a deal! You do Camden we do Bermondsey!
MIA
They weren't in Camden.
JACKIE
So we came to Bermondsey. Caught them just as they were setting off in the van. At least that's what we thought. Turns out it was you... What were you doing in their van?!
HAINES
Following the ringleaders!
MIA
The ringleaders?
HAINES
Yes! In a taxi! We were this close!
JACKIE
Where's the taxi?
HAINES
Fuck knows!
COLE
You scared them off!
HAINES
You idiots!
COLE
HAINES, HAINES!
HAINES
What?
COLE
The Italians!
HAINES
Oh shit!
JACKIE
Italians?
HAINES
The van! They mustn't get away!
MIA DASHES TO THE VAN AND OPENS IT.
MIA
Nobody here.
COLE AND HAINES SIGH LOUDLY.
JACKIE
Morons! You should have started by telling us to secure the van!
HAINES
If you hadn't handcuffed us, we'd have the ringleaders by now! Cretins!
JACKIE
Clowns!
COLE
Guys! Guys! Check the bag!
MIA
What?
COLE
There's a zip bag in the back.
MIA OPENS THE BACK OF THE VAN AND UNZIPS A BAG.
MIA
Jesus! There's a corpse in there!
COLE
No, it’s not a corpse. Their surgeon.
MIA
Sorry?
COLE
Their surgeon. At least we have their surgeon...
- AD BREAK -
CUT TO TAXI:
AMELIA
Phew!
ALVINA
The sooner we get to the embassy the better!
TODD
What about me?
AMELIA
Huh, eh… Continue your story. What happened after your pies went public?
TODD
A team of food inspectors come knocking on my kitchen door. I let them in. Give them a tour. What else could I do?
AMELIA
How did they react?
TODD
Ah. Those wimps didn't last one minute! Ran out screaming! Then I heard sirens and figured I should scarper. But the shop was surrounded by photographers. I had to take my razor and barge right through them! A guy tried to restrain me, so I slit his throat. Pity to waste him really. Had a good complexion. Would have made a prime cut. No time for that! I nicked a motorcycle and drove straight to meet you! Now. Can you help me disappear?
AMELIA
I have an idea.
TODD
Really?
AMELIA
In five minutes we cross Tower Bridge. Do you have pen and paper?
TODD
Um... I have a notebook...
AMELIA
Tear out two pages.
TODD TEARS OUT TWO PAGES.
TODD
Done.
AMELIA
On one of them write your telephone number and give it to me.
TODD SCRIBBLES.
TODD
Here.
AMELIA
On the other write a suicide note.
TODD
Wait. What?
AMELIA
Chop chop, we don't have much time.
TODD
Hold on. I’m going to jump off Tower Bridge?
AMELIA
Bingo!
TODD
Nah. That will kill me!
AMELIA
Not if we time it properly.
TODD
What do you mean?
AMELIA
We'll be down at Saint Katharine Pier with a pair of binoculars and alert you once the next cargo ship passes.
TODD
You want me to jump onto a boat?!
AMELIA
We'll wait for a coal carrier.
TODD
A coal carrier?
AMELIA
Softer landing. You'll get some bruises, but it shouldn't kill you.
TODD
B - bruises, alright, you sound confident…
AMELIA
I'm improvising a disappearance whist on the run from MI5! Take it or leave it!
TODD
So what happens if and when I land on this coal carrier?
AMELIA
We'll drive down the Thames to Tilbury Port and pick you up at the container terminal once you arrive.
TODD
And then what?
AMELIA
You'll come with us to the Russian embassy. We'll be driven to the airport in a diplomatic car and board a private plane to Moscow. You will leave the UK in total secrecy.
TODD
So my new life will be in Russia?
AMELIA
No. I'll take a route via the Baltic Sea. You can parachute out of the plane once we're over the Swedish island of Gotland.
TODD
Parachute. Great. And you'll be flying the plane?
AMELIA
Of course. I never let anyone else fly.
TODD
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
ALVINA
What?
TODD
I need an assurance.
AMELIA
What?
TODD
I’ll need something to prove you're actually going to carry through.
AMELIA
We're approaching Tower Bridge!
TODD
Give me that necklace.
AMELIA
My necklace? How about my earrings.
TODD
No.
AMELIA
My watch? It's much more valuable.
TODD
No.
AMELIA
My broach?
TODD
The necklace.
AMELIA
Why the necklace?
TODD
You've been clutching it the whole ride. Obviously means something to you.
AMELIA
It does. It was my grandmother's.
TODD
Hand it over. You'll get it back once you pick me up at the port.
AMELIA REMOVES HER NECKLACE.
AMELIA
Take it. We're there. (SHOUTS) Driver!
CABBIE
Oh, yup?
AMELIA
Stop the car!
TAXI SLOWS AND STOPS.
AMELIA
Keep the bandages on until I call. Once you get my call, give your note to a bystander and clamber over the railing. Try and find a spot with CCTV and make sure the camera catches your face. We have to give the authorities clear evidence you're really gone. Don't look down, close your eyes, and jump. Don't worry. We've got this.
TODD
Okay then. Here we go.
TODD OPENS THE CAR DOOR.
TODD
See you on the other side.
ALVINA
See you on the other side.
TODD GETS OUT AND CLOSES THE CAR DOOR.
AMELIA
(LOUD TO CABBIE) Continue. To the Russian embassy.
THE TAXI STARTS UP AGAIN.
ALVINA
We're not going to... Tilbury Port?
AMELIA
Do you want to save that asshole?
ALVINA
Not particularly.
AMELIA
Straight to the embassy then.
ALVINA
What about your necklace?
AMELIA
What about it?
ALVINA
You won't... miss it?
AMELIA
I will. Very much. But no looking back. We're moving on. Alvina…
ALVINA
Yes?
AMELIA
It's exciting isn't it? Starting afresh. I think... I think our best days are still ahead of us.
ALVINA
I do too.
CUT TO THE RUSSIAN EMBASSY:
NATALIA
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) Welcome to the Russian Embassy. Hope you got here okay?
AMELIA
Apart from a close shave with MI5 and sharing a cab with a cannibal, it was a breeze. Can I use your bathroom?
NATALIA
Of course. Down the corridor, fourth door on the left, next to the bust of Nikolai Gogol.
AMELIA
Thank you.
AMELIA WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR. SHE DIALS A PHONE NUMBER ON HER PHONE. ENTERS THE BATHROOM.
AMELIA
(HARKS) Todd? Ah! We're in luck! There's a sand barge approaching. Are you ready? Good. I'll count to three alright? One... two... three!
THEME TUNE.
PHILIP
We hope you enjoyed this episode. Stay tuned for the epilogue. But first, the credits.
This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne, with story editing by Oystein Brager. It was directed by Oystein Brager and Philip Thorne, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. It featured Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, James Carney as both Todd and the cabbie, Gianluca Iumiento as Joey, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Benjamin Noble as agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as agent Cole, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox and Valentina Alexeeva as Natalia Federova. The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, Spike City Studio and LSI Lydproduksjon in Oslo, Tongeber Studios in Vienna and Loudoun County Public Library in Virginia USA. It was engineered by Billy Haliday, Gabriel Geber, Steinar Borgen and Robert Rustad Amundsen. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
We rely on a big team of talented individuals to make this show and we want to compensate these wonderful people for the time and passion they pour into the project. You can help us grow and improve the show by becoming a patron. If you’d like to do that, go to ameliapodcast.com for more info.
And speaking of patrons, thanks to our super-patrons Jem Fidyk, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Levezow and Sophia Anderson. You really help keep the cocoa flowing. And now - the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
WALKING ON TARMAC. AN OLD PROPELLER AIRPLANE STARTS UP.
ALVINA
Ehm… Wait. Is that the plane we’re flying in?
NATALIA
Yes?
ALVINA
But that’s not a plane!
NATALIA
Uhm, yes it is?
ALVINA
No! That’s something you hired from Rent’a’wreck!
NATALIA
It is standard issue Russian aircraft.
ALVINA
From 1922!
AMELIA
It’s fine. I’ve flown worse than that.
NATALIA
It might not be pretty. But it is a plane.
AMELIA
It’ll be OK.
NATALIA
Now, this is Raymondas. He’ll be your pilot.
RAYMONDAS
(IN RUSSIAN)
Good evening.
AMELIA
Oh no, no, no, no, I’m flying.
NATALIA
Huh.
AMELIA
I never let anyone else fly.
NATALIA
You are a pilot?
AMELIA
No, I’m not, I’m just assuming I’ll be better than your Russian pilot because I’m American. Of course I’m a pilot! If I wasn’t I wouldn’t even get the plane of the ground, would I? So, Raymondas, may I?
NATALIA
Listen, it’s a protocol to only have certified pilots fly Russian aircraft.
ALVINA
I thought we’d established that this isn’t an aircraft, but a heap of rust from 1922?
AMELIA
Alvina, ease up. I’m sorry, she’s just a bit finicky about flying. Now, could I at least co-pilot?
NATALIA
Please step into the cargo hold.
AMELIA
It will be more comfortable in the cockpit -
NATALIA
Where you can be seen? Spy cameras could spot you through the windows! We’re helping you escape, remember? It’s important it seems like you’re not on board.
AMELIA
(SIGHS) I guess… Cargo hold it is, then…
ALVINA
Awh… Does anyone have a Valium?
NATALIA
Get on now. Russia is waiting.
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.
END OF EPISODE.