EPISODE 2 - ALICIA CAIRN
(BEEPING STARTS AND BACKGROUND PEOPLE FADE OUT)
(ANSWERPHONE CLICKS ON)
VOICE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now
(PAUSE)
If you continue, there’s no way back.
(PAUSE)
Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
(BEEP)
ALICIA
(WITH A THICK SOUTHERN ACCENT) Hi. It’s Alicia Cairn. Yes the Alicia Cairn. Whatever that means. I don’t. Not anymore. Which is why I need your help. Call me.
(BEEP)
(THE AMELIA THEME STARTS)
INTRO
The Amelia Project, by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 3: Alicia Cairn.
THE INTERVIEW
(THE BEAT DISSOLVES INTO THE DISTANT THUD OF OBJECTS HITTING THE GROUND. WE HEAR JOEY AND SALVATORE SHOUTING OUT WARNINGS AND SWEARING IN ITALIAN. MORE THUDDING, CRASHING, SHATTERING, GETTING LOUDER AND COMING CLOSER, THEN: THE SOUND OF SOMEONE CRASHING THROUGH THE DOOR WITH A SHOUT)
INTERVIEWER
Well pickle my willy and call me silly! Alicia Cairn! On roller skates!
ALICIA
(OUT OF BREATH, HEAVING) Sorry… first time… Not very good… I’ll pay for the damage…
INTERVIEWER
Oh don’t worry. I was never too keen on all that Wedgewood. Gift from a client. Welcome to Amelia- (SHOUTING) grab hold of that chair!
(ALICIA HITS THE FLOOR)
ALICIA
Ouch!
INTERVIEWER
I think you’d better take those off.
ALICIA
Yeah… yes.
INTERVIEWER
Here, I’ll help you.
(SOUND OF ROLLER SKATES BEING REMOVED AND THROWN ASIDE)
It’s such an honour to have Alicia Cairn in my office. (IN AWE) The one and only Alicia Cairn! Uh, I’ve made tea. Just the way you like it. Empress Grey with a slice of lemon. I checked with my niece. She’s a huge fan! Knows everything about you.
ALICIA
What’s that you’re having?
INTERVIEWER
This? Cocoa.
ALICIA
Can I have some?
INTERVIEWER
Cocoa?
ALICIA
Yes please.
INTERVIEWER
But… you’re lactose intolerant!
ALICIA
Yeah. Can I have it with extra cream please?
INTERVIEWER
(CONFUSED) If… if that’s what you want…?
(PAUSE)
The cream’s from a can, I’m afraid.
ALICIA
Bring it on!
(WHIPPED CREAM IS BEING SQUIRTED FROM A CAN)
INTERVIEWER
Can I ask you something?
ALICIA
Sure!
INTERVIEWER
Why are you putting on that accent?
ALICIA (WITHOUT THE ACCENT, HER VOICE SOUNDING MUCH SOFTER NOW)
It’s not really working, is it?
INTERVIEWER
No!
ALICIA
Ah, I was trying so hard
(PAUSE)
Could I have a bit more cream please?
INTERVIEWER
Certainly! Say when.
(SQUIRTING CONTINUES FOR A LONG TIME)
ALICIA
When.
(SQUIRTING STOPS)
INTERVIEWER
Like I was saying, my niece. Never missed a single episode. Could I get your autograph for- (ALICIA INTERRUPTS HIM)
ALICIA
Do you mind if I smoke?
INTERVIEWER
(SURPRISED)I didn’t think you smoked...
ALICIA (IGNORING HIM)
You have a lighter?
INTERVIEWER
Here you go…
(FLICK OF A LIGHTER, ALICIA IMMEDIATELY STARTS COUGHING)
Good Lord - Are you alright?
ALICIA
(MORE DRY COUGHING)
(UNCONVINCING) Fine
INTERVIEWER
I don’t think you’re fine.
ALICIA
(STILL COUGHING)I can’t stand tobacco.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, neither can I! I’ll let in some air.
(CREAK OF WINDOW OPENING, A FEW VERY FAINT STREET SOUNDS)
So, could I have that autograph for my niece? Here’s a pen.
ALICIA
(STUTTERING)Um… Well… I…
INTERVIEWER
It would mean the world to her.
ALICIA
Can you close the window? It’s just, I don’t want anyone to see me here.
INTERVIEWER
Certainly.
(WINDOW CLOSING)
ALICIA
Who should I make it out to?
INTERVIEWER
Lorraine Fletcher.
ALICIA
Hope you can read it. I’m not used to writing with my left hand.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, Lorraine will be so happy! She loves you. Wants to hang out with you. She’s so jealous of Tina and Trish! She loves every single episode. Even the ones where nothing happens. Alicia goes to the supermarket. Alicia tops up her bus pass. Alicia buys cat food. Alicia runs out of toilet paper. Alicia files her tax return.
ALICIA
(AUDIBLY SMILING) The tax return one was very popular. Ten million views on YouTube.
INTERVIEWER
People love you!
ALICIA
At the beginning I thought I had to do stuff. You know, go far out, make an effort. Travel the world, eat cockroaches, go bungee jumping off Niagara Falls or skinny dipping in Iran. But the producers encouraged me to just be me. “Just live your life,” they said. “Be yourself. That’s what people want.”
INTERVIEWER
Your birthday parties were my favourite though.(EXCITED) Test me!
ALICIA
(LOUDLY, EXAGGERATED) What?
INTERVIEWER
See if I can remember all your birthday parties! When did The One and Only Alicia Cairn first air?
ALICIA
Well, I signed the contract with R-TV when I turned twenty, so that’s… 2003?
INTERVIEWER
2003! First ever episode: the cereal themed party! You all came as cereal box characters. You were Snap, Trish was Crackle and Tina was Pop. (POPS THE P) Or was it the other way round?
ALICIA
No that’s right. Snap, Crackle and Pop. (LAUGHS) I’ve always loved Rice Krispies.
INTERVIEWER
I remember Rice Krispies with soy milk became a real craze after that episode.
ALICIA
It was a great party. Coco Monkey and Loopy Bee making out behind Captain Crunch’s back. Crunchosaurus Rex having a bowl of Weetabix soaked in Baileys.
(SHE LAUGHS, THE INTERVIEWER CHUCKLES)
Fun times!
INTERVIEWER
And when your Ex gatecrashed the party as Tony the Tiger… No, that must have been planned...
ALICIA
Nothing on The One and Only was ever staged. The producers just let me live my life and stuck a camera on it.
INTERVIEWER
What was your 21st birthday? Was that barbarians and librarians?
ALICIA
That was my 22nd. Ehm… 21st was the Communist Party. I was well into Marx.
INTERVIEWER
And Vodka…
ALICIA
(CHUCKLES) Yes, that too…
INTERVIEWER
I’ll never be able to unsee the sight of Trotsky throwing up on Engels.
ALICIA
And Rosa Luxemburg giving Lenin a blowjob…
INTERVIEWER
I don’t think that bit made it on air.
ALICIA
Probably not.
INTERVIEWER
23rd was mobsters and lobsters, 24th turtle-necks and tequila, 25th…?
ALICIA
That was the Rubik’s Cube party.
INTERVIEWER
(THOUGHTFUL) I don’t think I saw that one…
ALICIA
Oh you’d remember if you had. Everyone came wearing different coloured clothing, red trousers, yellow t-shirt, pink undies, green sweater… Then you had to swap bits of clothing until everyone was wearing the same colour. You’ll find it on YouTube.
INTERVIEWER
26th I remember. That was the nuclear waste party.
ALICIA
Let’s not talk about that one ok? I was going through a nihilist phase… Next one was fun though…
INTERVIEWER
The “anything but cups” party!
ALICIA
Yeah. Beer is definitely meant to be drunk from tupperware and Rosé never tastes the same again once you’ve drunk it from a stormtrooper helmet.
INTERVIEWER
28th was hippies versus hipsters, 29th was sexy historical characters, 30th… Ah! I should know that…
ALICIA
You should. Everybody knows about the 30th…
INTERVIEWER
(SUDDENLY REMEMBERING) Oh dear, of course! The seven deadly sins!
ALICIA
You won’t find that one on YouTube.
ALICIA
31st?
INTERVIEWER
Dictator disco!
ALICIA
Another controversial one…
INTERVIEWER
Which brings us to this year’s “what you were wearing when the police raided the brothel” party. Final episode. End of an era!
ALICIA
The One and Only Alicia Cairn will continue.
INTERVIEWER
(SADLY) But without you.
ALICIA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
It’ll lose it’s appeal don’t you think?
ALICIA
The producers are trying to make the transition as smooth as possible. Anyway, Stacey Jones is used to playing me.
INTERVIEWER
Yes, she was very good in Alicia Cairn the Movie. I actually forgot it wasn’t you!
ALICIA
She went through a lot of plastic surgery.
INTERVIEWER
But it’s not just the physical likeness. She’s really got you down to a T. The upward lilt at the end of your sentences, the wrinkling of your nose when you laugh, the way you fiddle with your glasses, it’s incredible!
(PAUSE)
ALICIA
Shall I tell you a secret?
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY, INTERESTED) Secrets is what Amelia is about.
ALICIA
In Alicia Cairn Cooks Christmas Dinner, it wasn’t actually me. It was Stacey Jones.
INTERVIEWER
(FLABBERGHASTED) No way!
ALICIA
It’s true. I had a stomach bug. Couldn’t face the smell of turkey and sprouts. But the show had to go out.
INTERVIEWER
Having it on in the kitchen as you stuff your turkey is tradition!
ALICIA
That’s what the producers said. So they got Stacey to stand in for me.
INTERVIEWER
(BEWILDERED) Really? I could have sworn it was you!
ALICIA
Well as you say, she basically is.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALICIA
She’s me.
INTERVIEWER
(EMPHATIC) No she’s not.
ALICIA
I thought you said she had all my mannerisms?
INTERVIEWER
Yes mannerisms…
(HE GETS REPEATEDLY INTERRUPTED IN THE FOLLOWING PART, ALICIA TALKS AS IF HE WASN’T THERE AT ALL)
ALICIA
My facial expressions, my gestures, my voice…
INTERVIEWER
That doesn’t…(INTERRUPTED)
ALICIA (CON’T)
She even has the same shoe size as me, same bra size, same height, weight and build…
INTERVIEWER
Ok but that’s still-
ALICIA (CON’T)
She uses the same deodorant, the same toothpaste and hair conditioner…
INTERVIEWER
Now, that really doesn’t…
ALICIA (CON’T)
She hiccups like me, she sneezes like me, coughs like me…
She has an itch two centimetres above her left brow, exactly where I do, and she scratches it with her ring finger, just like me. Her farts smell the same as mine and when she orgasms she makes exactly the same noises.
INTERVIEWER
None of that makes her you.
ALICIA
It doesn’t?
INTERVIEWER
No. You’re in front of me.
ALICIA
Are you sure?
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean, am I sure? You’ve been on my TV for thirteen years! I know it’s you!
ALICIA
Alicia Cairn doesn’t roller skate.
INTERVIEWER
You weren’t exactly a pro back then.
ALICIA
Alicia Cairn doesn’t drink dairy or smoke. (CHANGES TO THE ACCENT AGAIN) Alicia Cairn doesn’t have a southern accent. Alicia Cairn isn’t left handed. Alicia Cairn doesn’t wear…
INTERVIEWER
Okay okay okay! But all that’s insignificant!
ALICIA
My behaviour, my tastes, my habits, my quirks, the way I speak and dress, my beliefs… All that’s insignificant?
INTERVIEWER
It’s not what makes you you.
ALICIA
What does make me me?
INTERVIEWER
Well… um… it’s… I… Look. I’m sure all that stuff plays a part. But even though you’re not behaving like Alicia Cairn, I still go, “hey there’s Alicia Cairn!”
ALICIA
(FRUSTRATED) Ugh! It’s the body isn’t it?
INTERVIEWER
What?
ALICIA
(DROPS THE ACCENT AGAIN) I wanted to think we’re more than just flesh and bone. But at the end of the day, I can change every single thing about me, but as long as I’m still in this body… It’s me.
INTERVIEWER
You’re going through an identity crisis. I don’t blame you. It must get confusing being Alicia Cairn. Oh my god - My niece probably knows you better than you do! I mean. Give her a date and she can tell you what type of pasta you ate that day or what brand of bin-liner you bought. You exist on a million computer screens and in a million minds and imaginations. On top of that there’s all the merchandise, the Alicia Cairn doll, the action figure, the one with the wobbly head everybody has in their cars. Then there’s Alicia Cairn the anime character, the Alicia Cairn parody version on Saturday Night Live, and Stacey Jones playing you in the movies. I can see how you can lose grip of your identity.
ALICIA
(UPSET) My identity doesn’t belong to me anyway.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ALICIA
When I signed the contract with R-TV, I sold them the exclusive rights for Alicia Cairn.
INTERVIEWER
But you no longer work for R-TV.
ALICIA
No. But they still own the rights.
INTERVIEWER
The rights?
ALICIA
Yeah, to my identity.
INTERVIEWER
What?!
ALICIA
My lawyers looked into it. Nothing I can do.
INTERVIEWER
(DISBELIEVING) They own the rights to your identity?
ALICIA
I shouldn’t have left the show. I wasn’t unhappy or anything, I just… I wanted a change you know? I’ve been doing The One and Only for thirteen years. I wondered what life away from TV would be like… But I didn’t think it through. I didn’t realise I’d signed away my identity.
INTERVIEWER
That’s… that’s crazy!
ALICIA
And you know the worst part?
INTERVIEWER
(UPSET) There’s a worse part?!
ALICIA
Now that I no longer work for R-TV, they’re threatening that if I carry on being Alicia Cairn they’ll sue me.
INTERVIEWER
Well butter my buttocks and pepper my pecker!
ALICIA
I can’t go back to the show, Stacey Jones has already signed the contract. It’s too late.
INTERVIEWER
So you’re in the mother of all pickles.
ALICIA (ACCENT AGAIN)
I have to escape my identity.
INTERVIEWER
(QUIETLY, AS IF TO HIMSELF) Oh god, there’s that accent again...
ALICIA
(LOUD) I thought if I changed every single thing about me, I could leave behind my identity.
INTERVIEWER
Do you want us to help you?
ALICIA
I can no longer be Alicia Cairn.
INTERVIEWER
Ok, first off, drop the accent. For good. You can’t escape your identity purely by changing your behavior. We’ve established that.
ALICIA (DROPS THE ACCENT AGAIN)
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
We’ve also established the answer seems to be a new body.
ALICIA
It seems so.
INTERVIEWER
I have a solution.
ALICIA
Really?
INTERVIEWER
Piotr Kozłowski. Our surgeon. He’s the best on the planet. Problem is, he’s bored. Bored with performing minor cosmetic surgery. Cecil Beaton called boredom the world’s worst crime. I really really really really really really hate boredom!
(PAUSE)
ALICIA
Ah… What’s that got to do with…
INTERVIEWER
We need to give him a challenge!
ALICIA
What do you have in mind?
INTERVIEWER
We’ll get Kozłowski to replace your liver, your kidneys, your heart, your lungs, your intestines, your pancreas, your blood, your facial tissue, your ligaments… replace everything with synthetic parts.
ALICIA
(UNCONVINCED) He can do that?
INTERVIEWER
Patients have organ transplants and blood or hormone transfusions all the time. It’s just a question of replacing (GRAVELY) everything.
ALICIA
And then it’ll no longer be me?
INTERVIEWER
My dear - How can it be? It’ll all be new.
ALICIA
(UNCONVINCED) But you just said yourself… people replace bits of their body all the time…
INTERVIEWER
But not the whole body!
ALICIA
Yeah, but at what point does it stop being me? Replace the heart, it’s still me. Replace the tonsils and the bone marrow, it’s still me. Replace the salivary glands and suddenly it’s not? I don’t understand when the crossover would happen.
INTERVIEWER
You think it would still be you?
ALICIA
I think it might.
INTERVIEWER
Well sprain my brain and call me insane (ALICIA INTERRUPTS HIM AGAIN)
ALICIA
Hang on! That’s it! The brain! That’s what makes Alicia Cairn Alicia Cairn!
INTERVIEWER
Where your brain goes you go?
ALICIA
I guess…?
INTERVIEWER
So it’s obvious!
ALICIA
Is it?
INTERVIEWER
We’ll remove your brain!
ALICIA
Stop. I want to see this Kozłowski guy’s credentials.
INTERVIEWER
No.
ALICIA
Why not?
INTERVIEWER
Because he doesn’t have any.
ALICIA
You said he was the best!
INTERVIEWER
He is.
ALICIA
(UNCONVINCED) Without credentials?!
INTERVIEWER
Look. Everyone who works for us has disappeared. I can’t reveal anything about Kozłowski’s previous life.
ALICIA
So he’s not really called Kozłowski?
INTERVIEWER
(SLOWLY) He’s called Kozłowski and his first job was with Amelia. That’s all you need to know.
ALICIA
I don’t know how I feel about...
INTERVIEWER
Do you want to escape your identity or not?
ALICIA
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Good.
(PAUSE)
So, where were we?
ALICIA
(UNCONVINCED) He’ll remove my brain…
INTERVIEWER
Yes. First your brain, then Stacey Jones’s brain…
ALICIA
Stacey Jones?!
INTERVIEWER
Then he’ll swap the two around and seal back up your heads.
ALICIA
What the hell…?
INTERVIEWER (CON’T)
Kozłowski gets his challenge, you keep your identity without breaking the contract, for Stacey not much changes, after all your bodies are the same, R-TV keeps its flexibility the two of you can still stand in for each other, Amelia gets paid, and we all crack open a bottle of champagne.
ALICIA
My brain in Stacey’s body and Stacey’s brain in mine?
INTERVIEWER
Yeah but they’re identical bodies.
ALICIA
And which one am I again?
INTERVIEWER
(MATTER OF FACT) Alicia Cairn!
ALICIA
(BREATHLESS) Alicia Cairn…
INTERVIEWER
Champagne? There’s no situation that isn’t improved with a glass of Veuve Clicquot.
ALICIA
I think I might need something stronger…
INTERVIEWER
You’re going to love this! Trust me.
ALICIA
Can we drink it from a stormtrooper helmet?
INTERVIEWER
Will a cycle helmet do?
ALICIA
What about the holes?
INTERVIEWER
We’ll have to drink fast!
(PAUSE)
I’ve always been a fan (BEEPING STARTS UP AGAIN)But now I really feel I’ve got to know you. To the one and only Alicia Cairn! Cheers!
(POP OF THE CHAMPAGNE CORK)
ALICIA
(STILL BEWILDERED) Cheers...
OUTRO
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions, in association with OpenHouseTheater Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Megan Crain as Alicia Cairn, and Julia Morizawa on the Answerphone. You heard Gianluca Iumiento as Joey, and Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore. It was written and edited by Philip Thorne and directed by Alan Burgon. Music and Sound Design by Fredrik Baden, Graphic Design by Anders Pedersen, production coordination by Julia C. Thorne. This episode was recorded at TonGeber Studios with the assistance of Gabriel Geber. Sound effects from FreeSound. Individual Attributions on our website. Today’s Shoutout goes to: The Bright Sessions, which stars the wonderful Julia Morizawa who you can hear at the beginning of each Amelia-episode. If you enjoy our show, we think you’ll love The Bright Sessions, which is available on iTunes, Stitcher and wherever you get your podcasts.
EPILOGUE
INTERVIEWER (ON THE TELEPHONE)
I shouldn’t really be telling you this, but guess who just came to my office? (SILENCE AS HE PRESUMABLY WAITS FOR AN ANSWER) No… no… Younger… Older… Okay, I’ll give you a tip, Rice Krispies… (JOYFUL) Yes! (PAUSE) I swear! (PAUSE) It’s true! (PAUSE) Well I can’t tell you that, but yes, she was in my office. (PAUSE) No, I’m not kidding! She even did that scratchy thing she does with her ring finger you know? (PAUSE) I know! (PAUSE) I know! (PAUSE) I was like holy mackerel, it's Alicia Cairn! The cropped brown hair, the twitchy eyebrow, that blinky thing she does when she takes off her glasses, the mole on her left hand, the way she di- What? (PAUSE) She doesn’t have a mole on… (PAUSE) Are you sure? (PAUSE) Then who the hell… (SUDDENLY VERY LOUD) Oh I got to go! We have a situation! (HE SUDDENLY HANGS UP, GETS OUT OF HIS CHAIR AND RUNS OUT THE OFFICE, HIS VOICE GETS FURTHER AWAY FROM THE MICROPHONE AND THEREFORE QUIETER) Shit, shit shit shit - what an idiot! You know she doesn’t have a mole on her left hand, she never had a mole on her left hand!(HE IS GONE)
END OF EPILOGUE
(PEOPLE-NOISE FADES IN)
PHILIP
Hope you enjoyed the episode, and remember to check out ameliapodcast.com for bonus content and info on how to support us if you want to. See you in two weeks time, and in the meantime: Happy holidays.(SIPS COCOA)
END OF EPISODE