EPISODE 3 - ELIZABETH BARLOW
PROLOGUE
BEEP.
ANSWER PHONE
Congratulations. You’ve reached The Amelia Project. This phone call isn’t happening. If you’re not serious about this, hang up. Now. You’re sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue there’s no way back. The choice is yours. Good choice. A new life awaits. You’ll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep.
BEEP.
ELIZABETH
Gosh! What an introduction. Very mysterious… Am I supposed to be scared? Is that it? Anyway, I hear you’re the best and that’s what I want. Prove it. Prove you’re the best. I have a job for you. No need to go into specifics. Not yet. That can wait until we meet. This is just to say: I’m here. I’m serious. I can pay. Show me you’re real and serious too. Deal? Call me.
BEEP.
THEME TUNE.
INTRO
The Amelia Project. By Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 3 - Elizabeth Barlow.
THE INTERVIEW
(KNOCKING)
INTERVIEWER
It’s go time.
(DOOR OPENS)
INTERVIEWER
Ah! Welcome! I’ve been expecting you!
ELIZABETH
Do you mind if I smoke?
INTERVIEWER
Go for it. Do you mind if I blow bubbles?
ELIZABETH
Excuse me?
INTERVIEWER
It helps me think.
ELIZABETH
Right.
(THE INTERVIEWER BLOWS BUBBLES)
INTERVIEWER
Congratulations.
ELIZABETH
What… what for?
INTERVIEWER
One in a million find our number. More than half hang up before the beep. We get back to about one in ten.
ELIZABETH
I see. So why me?
INTERVIEWER
Hm.
(HE BLOWS BUBBLES)
Time will tell.
ELIZABETH
You're odd.
INTERVIEWER
Good odd?
ELIZABETH
Odd odd. This isn't what I was expecting.
INTERVIEWER
What were you expecting?
ELIZABETH
I don’t know… something elite, something big and fancy-
INTERVIEWER
(EXCITED) Wow! Did you see that bubble! Sorry, yes, elite, fancy. Good good good. You won’t be disappointed. Shall we get down to business?
ELIZABETH
That would be nice.
INTERVIEWER
Just some official bits and bobs before the fun begins. Name?
ELIZABETH
Elizabeth.
(THE INTERVIEWER TAKES NOTES)
INTERVIEWER
You have a surname?
ELIZABETH
Barlow.
INTERVIEWER
Married?
ELIZABETH
(SNORTS)
INTERVIEWER
Your husband cheated on you!
ELIZABETH
Well done Sherlock.
INTERVIEWER
Is that why you're here?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
(GROANS)
ELIZABETH
What?
INTERVIEWER
Security! Security!
ELIZABETH
Excuse me, what… what the -
(THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN. JOEY AND SALVATORE STOMP IN)
INTERVIEWER
Show Mrs Barlow the way out would you?
ELIZABETH
Let go of me!
(KERFUFFLE. FIGHTING)
INTERVIEWER
It was a sincere sensation, must do it again some time.
ELIZABETH
Let go of me!
INTERVIEWER
Now out you hop.
Cheerio.
(MORE FIGHTING, PUNCHING AND GROANING)
ELIZABETH
Put down that baseball bat or I'll taser the shit out of you!
TAZERING.
JOEY
Ahhhhh!
(THUD OF JOEY DROPPING TO THE FLOOR. THE INTERVIEWER CLAPS)
INTERVIEWER
Bravo! Bravo Mrs Barlow! That was excellent.
ELIZABETH
This is mad.
INTERVIEWER
Joey -
(JOEY COUGHS)
Joey? Salvatore, you can leave. Oh, and bring me a cup of cocoa. Would you like anything Elizabeth? Can I call you Elizabeth?
ELIZABETH
Yes. And no I don’t need a drink. I’m fine.
(SALVATORE PULLS JOEY OUT)
What… what was that about?
INTERVIEWER
Sorry. I thought you weren’t Amelia material. I was wrong. Sit back down.
ELIZABETH
What do you mean “not Amelia mate-“ Oh! I can pay! Didn’t I make that clear? Money’s not an issue.
INTERVIEWER
Money’s good. Money’s a start.
ELIZABETH
A start? What else do you want?
INTERVIEWER
You know Kierkegaard?
ELIZABETH
Um…
INTERVIEWER
“Boredom is the root of all evil.” I refuse to be bored.
(SIGHS)
Most people who want to disappear are so boring. Small time crooks and people trying to cash in on their life insurance. So dull! I don’t waste my time with that kind of thing. I only take on cases that capture my imagination. It seems you’re bringing me a domestic squabble, and, well, they’re usually so boring.
ELIZABETH
You’ll hear me out anyway. I promise I’ll make it interesting. You’ll find me a very demanding customer.
(THE DOOR OPENS. SALVATORE ENTERS)
INTERVIEWER
Ah, Salvatore! Grazie mille!
(CLATTER OF CUP AND SAUCER BEING PUT ON THE DESK. SALVATORE LEAVES)
INTERVIEWER
Elizabeth Barlow. You fascinate me.
(HE STIRS THE CUP AND TAKES A LONG SIP)
Ahhh! Tell me your story. I’m all ears.
(ELIZABETH SMOKES)
ELIZABETH
It was Rupert’s fortieth and I organised a surprise party. I invited everyone we know. Family, friends, neighbours, colleagues. Rupert didn’t have a clue! He’s on his way home and I tell the guests to be quiet. I call him in his car and put him on speakerphone so the guests can hear. “Rupert honey, I’m so so sorry! I’ve been called out for work. Won’t be back until late! You’re going to have to spend your birthday evening alone… There’s fresh lasagna in the fridge and a bottle of pinot noir. I’ll make it up to you, I promise!” I hang up and we all run into the hallway to take up our positions. Streamers and champagne at the ready. Waiting for the door to open. We wait. And wait. And wait. What on earth has happened to him? Has he had an accident? I’m scared sick. Hardly dare make the call. When I do he picks up immediately. Sounds cheerful. “What are you doing?” I ask. “Oh, just chilling on the sofa watching QI. The lasagna is excellent.” Then I noticed everyone staring at me. The speakerphone was still on.
INTERVIEWER
Well stuff me like an olive! That is embarrassing.
ELIZABETH
Embarrassing? It’s more than embarrassing! He humiliated me in front of everyone I know!
INTERVIEWER
What did you do?
ELIZABETH
I sent him a text. “Get the fuck home.” Twenty minutes later the door opens and we chuck streamers and confetti.
INTERVIEWER
You went ahead with the party?
ELIZABETH
An excruciating five hours of pretending everything was okay. Grinning, toasting, celebrating Rupert.
(INTERVIEWER DRAINS HIS COCOA)
INTERVIEWER
Throw this cup.
ELIZABETH
What? Why?
INTERVIEWER
It'll make you feel better.
ELIZABETH
No.
INTERVIEWER
Huh.
ELIZABETH
She’s called Tiffany. Twenty six. A junior analyst at Goldman’s. They’re getting married. Oh ok, give it here! Argh!
A CRASH AS THE CUP SHATTERS AGAINST THE WALL.
INTERVIEWER
Nice throw!
ELIZABETH
Thanks.
INTERVIEWER
Do you want the pot too?
ELIZABETH
Do you know what the most insulting thing is? The day we signed the divorce papers he bought me a Lamborghini.
INTERVIEWER
Which is bad because…?
ELIZABETH
He wants to “stay friends.” Thinks he can buy himself out of being an arsehole…
INTERVIEWER
A Lamborghini is a Lamborghini.
ELIZABETH
Oh please. I’m sure it hardly made a dent in his bonus. He’s not letting me keep the house. He’s not that generous. I have to be out by the end of the month. Make space for Tiffany.
INTERVIEWER
At the moment you’re in the house and he’s with Tiffany?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
And he wants to “be friends”?
ELIZABETH
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. How can we help?
ELIZABETH
Everything in his life is so easy. I want to shake him out of his complacency. Make him suffer. I want him to see me die. A horrible, messy death. I want him to realise he can’t pay his way out of this one. Some things have consequences.
INTERVIEWER
In that case, may I suggest suicide?
ELIZABETH
Yes! Suicide is good.
INTERVIEWER
How about an overdose of tranquilizers? You call him and tell him to come over immediately. He finds you unconscious on the bathroom floor. Joey and Salvatore burst in posing as paramedics. We’ll be waiting right outside, in a van, and have your stomach pumped in no time. We’ll tell your husband you died. We’ll say it was painful.
ELIZABETH
Hmm. I was thinking, perhaps something… nastier?
INTERVIEWER
Well, an overdose can be pretty nasty. Lots of vomiting.
ELIZABETH
I don't want to vomit.
INTERVIEWER
Hanging? You could dangle outside your husband’s office window. Goldman’s tower has a nice parapet. Good to hang a rope from. You knock on the window, he looks up and sees you there dangling by the neck. Salvatore cuts the rope and you plummet. The parachute opens at the very last second. Joey waits down at the bottom with the van.
ELIZABETH
Could work… But I think we can go nastier…
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Ooh! Tell him you want to stay friends. Arrange to meet at a fancy restaurant. Smash your wineglass and use the shards to slash your wrists. Joey and Salvatore dine at the next table. They’ll whisk you off to the van to get a transfusion, but make sure you get blood all over the table and your husband first.
ELIZABETH
Nastier.
INTERVIEWER
Well, hm. Ooh! Ask him to come round and put up some shelves in your new place. It’s the least he can do after evicting you. Grab the drill and put it to your head. Or better, shoot yourself with his nail-gun. He won’t forget that.
ELIZABETH
All these ideas make me look desperate. I don’t want it to look like I’m acting on some crazy whim. It has to be cool-headed. A conscious choice. I want to be in the driver’s seat.
INTERVIEWER
Hmmm.
ELIZABETH
I do have an idea.
INTERVIEWER
Yes?
ELIZABETH
It might be impossible.
INTERVIEWER
For Amelia nothing is impossible.
ELIZABETH
I arrive at Tiffany’s house. In the Lamborghini. I attach a long chain around the tree in the driveway. I attach the other end of the chain around my neck. I ring the doorbell. I get back into the car. As soon as he answers the door I wave and put my foot on the accelerator.
INTERVIEWER
Decapitation.
ELIZABETH
Impossible?
INTERVIEWER
Not at all. Ripping your head off actually makes our life much easier. A mangled head means the replacement corpse only has to match your body from the neck down. Our guy at the mortuary shouldn’t have any difficulties with that. It’s the head that’s always the trickiest to fake.
ELIZABETH
And you can get me out of the Lamborghini in time?
INTERVIEWER
It won’t be you in there in the first place. Once you’ve rung the bell, you come over to the van. We’ll be parked just outside the drive posing as plumbers. You can watch your husband come out and enjoy his reaction.
ELIZABETH
Excellent.
INTERVIEWER
Have you thought about how you’d like to resurface?
ELIZABETH
Of course.
INTERVIEWER
We offer a broad range of different disguises and locations. Shall I get the catalogue?
ELIZABETH
I’d like to come back as a investment banker.
INTERVIEWER
An investment banker?
ELIZABETH
More specifically, the CEO of my own company.
INTERVIEWER
Okay...
ELIZABETH
You'll need to set me up with a hedge fund. Of significant value. But I'm sure that's no problem for you, right? It doesn’t need to be real, it just needs to look impressive...
INTERVIEWER
I’ll have a chat with Alvina and see what she’s able to fake. But, uhm - why?
ELIZABETH
You said you wanted a challenge.
INTERVIEWER
Yes. But we normally set people up with inconspicuous identities. Somewhere they can blend in. This is hardly low-key.
ELIZABETH
I know. But it’s the only way I can recruit Rupert.
BEAT.
INTERVIEWER
Sorry?
ELIZABETH
I’m going to headhunt Rupert. I'll lose my head, so that I can hunt his. (CHUCKLES)
INTERVIEWER
Explain.
ELIZABETH
I’ll lure him away from Goldmans to work privately for me.
BEAT
Then I'll fire him. I'll watch his head roll, as I discredit him to Goldmans, and circulate articles to every investment publication in existence about his utter incompetence. Whoever calls me for a reference will hear just what a dreadful job he does. They'll believe he hasn’t got a clue what he’s doing, and Goldmans won't touch him with a yard-pole. He'll never work again!
INTERVIEWER
Just to be clear, we can arrange your death. We can take care of your reappearance as an investment banker. Impressive resumé, new looks, the whole shebang. But after that, Amelia is no longer responsible. We can’t organise Rupert’s undoing for you.
ELIZABETH
Just set me up as I've said. The right CV and all the connections. And I'll take
care of the rest.
INTERVIEWER
You sound confident.
ELIZABETH
Rupert will be pouring filter coffees at some soulless cafe faster than you can say “flat white”. And once he’s no longer a rich middle aged man...
INTERVIEWER
...he’s just a middle aged man.
ELIZABETH
Tiffany will dump him for someone wealthier before the week is over.
INTERVIEWER
(CHUCKLES)
ELIZABETH
And I’ll get both my revenge, and a great new career whilst I’m at it.
INTERVIEWER
Something tells me you're going to be very good at this...
ELIZABETH
Like you, I enjoy a challenge.
INTERVIEWER
Elizabeth Barlow. It’s a pleasure doing business with you.
ELIZABETH
Let's get planning right away. When do I meet this Alvina person you said would help with the hedge fund?
INTERVIEWER
Hang on hang on hang on. There's still the matter of payment...
ELIZABETH
Well I could just write you a cheque...
INTERVIEWER
Cheques are fine.
ELIZABETH
I could do that.
INTERVIEWER
Otherwise we also accept cash, card payments and bank transfers.
ELIZABETH
Let's talk real investment talk. What about assets?
INTERVIEWER
Um, that’s not usually how-
ELIZABETH
But you’d consider it?
INTERVIEWER
Um, well, if the value of the assets is-
ELIZABETH
About two and a half million.
INTERVIEWER
(SWALLOWS) That would work.
ELIZABETH
Good.
ELIZABETH
Good.
(SHE OPENS HER BAG AND REMOVES A SET OF KEYS)
Here are the keys to our house, front door, side entrance and conservatory. These are the codes.
(SHE WRITES THE CODES DOWN)
If you enter using the front door, the control panel is on your right, just behind the Ming dynasty vase. You have fifteen seconds to type in the code before the alarm goes off, so be quick. Here’s the swipe card for the garage, Rupert’s Ferrari is at Tiffany’s, but the Bentley and the Jaguars are all there. The wine cellar leads off just from the garage, don’t waste your time with that, the investment wines, the Margaux and Chateau Lafitte, are kept in a cooler in the living room. You’ll need a code to open that. Here you go.
(SHE WRITES DOWN ANOTHER CODE)
There’s also a display cabinet in the living room with a rather fine Wedgwood collection and a complete Roger Pilkington set. It’s unique and very fragile, so not a job for Joey and Salvatore I’d suggest. We don’t have much to offer on the art front I’m afraid, but there are some Boccionis which are quite nice and a Paul Klee which is ghastly but Rupert has assured me is ridiculously expensive. Don’t forget to strip the beds, the sheets and covers are custom-designed Springfield. Make sure you don’t just go for the obvious stuff, the 152 inch Plasma, the Bang and Olufsen speakers, the Maria Theresa chandeliers, but also the small things. Fittings can be surprisingly valuable. We recently had all the doorknobs, handles and light switches replaced, some of that stuff clears a tidy sum. Which reminds me! You wouldn’t believe how much the hydrangeas in the greenhouse are worth. Out of this world! I suggest you take a look. Are you making notes? I don’t want you to forget anything…
INTERVIEWER
The session is being recorded.
ELIZABETH
Why?
INTERVIEWER
We keep an archive of all our clients.
ELIZABETH
As long as it’s under wraps.
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
ELIZABETH
The address: 16 Arkwright Avenue, Richmond. I want Rupert to come back to a house that’s been stripped right down to the last exclusively sourced designer light bulb.
INTERVIEWER
At Amelia your every wish is our command.
ELIZABETH
Perfect.
INTERVIEWER
I’m looking forward to this one. Your case is most amusing.
ELIZABETH
I’ll be outside Tiffany’s house at 10am tomorrow. 22 Basset Street, Belsize Park.
INTERVIEWER
We’ll be there in the van.
ELIZABETH
Don't be late.
INTERVIEWER
Don’t have second thoughts.
ELIZABETH
I won't.
INTERVIEWER
Good.
ELIZABETH
What if I do?
INTERVIEWER
What?
ELIZABETH
Have second thoughts?
INTERVIEWER
But you won't?
ELIZABETH
No.
INTERVIEWER
Good.
ELIZABETH
But in theory.
INTERVIEWER
Theory is so boring. Who wants to waste their time with theory? I have no patience for theory. Anyway, it’s time to celebrate.
ELIZABETH
Is it?
INTERVIEWER
Yes! A toast to your death!
ELIZABETH
Can we toast to my reappearance instead?
INTERVIEWER
If you prefer.
ELIZABETH
I think I would…
(THE INTERVIEWER PRESSES THE INTERCOM)
INTERVIEWER
Joey, if you’re conscious, bring us two flutes for the champagne please.
ELIZABETH
Ooh! Champagne!
(THE INTERVIEWER PRESSES THE INTERCOM AGAIN)
INTERVIEWER
Oh, and don’t worry. I’ll make sure the lady doesn’t hurt you.
(LAUGHS)
You made quite the impression on them.
(THE INTERVIEWER SHAKES THE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE)
We don’t skimp at Amelia. Finest Veuve Clicquot. Straight from Reims.
(Sound of a bottle being taken from a cooler and the foil around the cork being torn. Shaking)
ELIZABETH
I don’t think you’re supposed to shake the-
INTERVIEWER
Now would be a good time to put your fingers in your ears. One, two, watch it…
(JOEY ENTERS. THE CORK EXPLODES OUT OF THE BOTTLE, HITTING JOEY ON THE HEAD)
JOEY
Au!
(JOEY FALLS TO THE FLOOR DROPPING THE FLUTES)
INTERVIEWER
Oops. Scusi, per favore.
(THE INTERVIEWER PICKS UP THE FLUTES)
INTERVIEWER
A glass of bubbly?
ELIZABETH
Now those are the kind of bubbles I can get on board with!
INTERVIEWER
Cheers. To a new beginning!
ELIZABETH
To a new beginning!
(THEY CLINK GLASSES)
MUSIC
CREDITS
The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre, Vienna. This episode featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Samantha Lawson as Elizabeth, Julia Morizawa on the answer phone and additional voice work by Christine Thorne. It was written by Philip Thorne, directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, and edited by Philip Thorne and Phil Anderson-Dyer. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, production coordination by Julia C. Thorne. This episode was recorded at Tongeber Studios with the assistance of Gabriel Geber. Sound effects from Freesound. Individual attributions can be found on our website. A massive thank you to Phil and Ali Anderson-Dyer of Bunbury Banter Theatre Company for all your consultancy. And thank you to Sirach Lotz for providing sandwhiches.
OYSTEIN
Hi there. I’m Oystein.
PHILIP
And I’m Philip. And together we write and produce The Amelia Project.
OYSTEIN
We wanted to thank you for listening to the very first episode of The Amelia Project.
PHILIP
If you enjoyed the show, please do let us know, you’d be making our day, by leaving us a short review on iTunes. If you’d like to see this episode performed live, join us for our launch party!
OYSTEIN
It happens at Caféteatret in Oslo on the 2nd of December this year as part of Imploding Fictions’ 10 year anniversary. That’s Caféteatret, 2nd of December 2017.
PHILIP
It’s gonna be a fun night with drinks, comedy, music, poetry and of course readings from the show.
OYSTEIN
So turn up, and it’s all free.
PHILIP
More info on our website at ameliapodcast.com. On our website you can also find out how you can support our show.
OYSTEIN
In return for your support you can get some very special Amelia gifts, such as a top secret document outlining exactly what happens when The Amelia van pulls up at 10am outside 22 Basset Street. We can reveal it doesn’t go exactly as planned. Thank you so much for listening and we’ll see you soon for episode two.
EPILOGUE
PANCAKES FRYING. IN THE DISTANCE, A SHOWER RUNNING.
RUPERT
Buttermilk pancakes or crepes? Honey? I said buttermilk pancakes or crepes?
TIFFANY
(DISTANT, FROM UNDER THE SHOWER) Surprise me darling!
RUPERT
Righty ho! Surprise coming up!
(THE DOORBELL RINGS)
TIFFANY
Shoot! I’m still naked.
RUPERT
Don’t worry, I’ll get it.
(RUPERT WALKS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. THE REVVING OF AN ENGINE)
END