EPISODE 30 - BABY
PHILIP
Hello everybody, I may still be in lockdown, but today I’m celebrating, in fact the whole Amelia Projec team is celebrating because we have been declared Best Audio Drama in DiscoverPods Awards. And not only that, but we were runner up for Best Overall Podcast, a category that contained enormous shows by the likes of Conan O’Brien and Gimlet Media. So I’m treating myself to a glass of Veuve Clicquot and I want to say thank you to all of you who voted for us. It really means a lot to us that we have such engaged and active listeners. So if you voted for us in the DiscoverPods, if you’ve, if you’ve reviewed the show on your podcast app, if you’ve said something nice on social media or simply told a friend about the show, thank you, thank you, thank you. It’s things like this that motivate us to keep going and to keep faking deaths and crafting new identities.
Before we start the show I’ve got one more person to thank in particular, and that’s Kate Sukeyasu who has become our latest super-patron, and on her birthday no less, so thank you Kate. Hope you had a wonderful birthday and thank you from the bottom of our hearts for your generosity.
Right, you may remember that at the end of the last episode Amelia and Alvina landed in a place that wasn’t quite Russia. Enjoy today’s new episode.
PROLOGUE
WE’RE IN A JEEP. DEEP MOTOR SOUND, CRAPPY DIRT ROAD. JUNGLE SOUNDS. THEY BOUNCE AROUND. ALVINA HITS HER HEAD ON THE CEILING OF THE CAR.
ALVINA
Ouch! This car is just as bad as the plane!
AMELIA
Or possibly worse.
ALVINA
I can hardly see anything through these dirty windows.
AMELIA
It’s just... jungle. I take that back, look at that... A mansion. A mansion in the jungle...
THE CAR PULLS UP.
SAVANNAH
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
THE JUNGLE NOISES GROW LOUDER AS THEY GET OUT OF THE CAR. THE CAR DOORS SLAM CLOSED BEHIND THEM.
SAVANNAH
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
AMELIA
She says we’re here.
THE CAR DOORS SHUT BEHIND THEM AND THEY WALK UP TO THE MANSION.
ALVINA
(SOFTLY) And where the hell is here?
AMELIA
Who knows.
ALVINA
Can you ask?
AMELIA
I tried asking in the car but all she wanted to talk about was her rash... “This heat is giving me a rash, this car seat is giving me a rash, you don’t want to know how far up my thigh this rash goes...”
DIEGO
(IN SPANISH) Senorita Savannah.
SAVANNAH
(SPEAKS IN SPANISH)
DIEGO
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
ALVINA
(WHISPERS WHILE THE GUARD IS TALKING) Those guards are armed.
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) I noticed.
SAVANNAH
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
HUGE DOORS OPEN, THEY ENTER THE HOUSE. THE DOORS CLOSE BEHIND THEM. THE JUNGLE SOUNDS GET FAINTER. VOICES. CARTS ROLLING PAST. AN ECHOEY HALLWAY.
ALVINA
Wow. This place is beautiful!
AMELIA
(UNDER HER BREATH) Falling apart though.
THEY WALK DOWN A CORRIDOR, AWAY FROM THE DIN. THEY PASS HEART MACHINES BEEPING. THEY ENTER ANOTHER ROOM. SAVANNAH CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND THEM.
ALVINA
(WHISPERS) What is this place?
AMELIA
(WHISPERS) Let’s talk once we’re on our own.
SAVANNAH
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
AMELIA
Gracias.
SAVANNAH LEAVES AND LOCKS THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
ALVINA
What did she say?
AMELIA
To wait here until someone comes to get us.
ALVINA
When is that?
AMELIA
Soon. She didn’t specify.
ALVINA
I’ll ask. I’m kind of thirsty anyway.
ALVINA TRIES THE DOOR. IT’S LOCKED.
ALVINA
It’s locked. The door’s locked!
AMELIA
Yeah.
ALVINA
Amelia! They’ve locked us in!
AMELIA
I know. Just calm down.
ALVINA
We’re prisoners! Or hostages! Or... something!
AMELIA
I guess it could be for our own safety.
ALVINA
How?
AMELIA
I don’t know.
ALVINA
They take our phones, then they lock us up?
AMELIA
Just don’t jump to conclusions. It’s not like the way we treat clients makes sense to them at first.
ALVINA
At least our clients know why they’re there. Why wouldn’t she tell us why we’re here?
AMELIA
Maybe she doesn’t know.
ALVINA
I don’t believe that.
AMELIA
Let’s just hope whoever we meet next can give us some answers. Until then, why don’t we just try to relax.
ALVINA
I’d like to know why we’re in a hospital. They haven’t even put us in a waiting room, there’s another patient right there!
A SOFT SIGH FROM THE LADY IN THE HOSPITAL BED.
ALVINA
Do you think they’re going to harvest our organs?
AMELIA
Why send us in a private jet-
ALVINA
Rust heap!
AMELIA
-halfway across the world just to harvest our organs?
ALVINA
So, what’s your theory? What is this place anyway?
AMELIA
Could be an old plantation.
ALVINA
Plantation turned hospital?
AMELIA
Well, a hospital of sorts, but it’s completely makeshift. Look at that bed, it’s tied together with rope!
ALVINA
Perhaps it’s a military hospital?
AMELIA
Huh…
ALVINA
They tricked us! The reason they didn't let you fly is because they never intended on taking us to Russia in the first place!
AMELIA
But why take us to South America? And where in South America are we?
ALVINA
Somewhere they need a field hospital in the middle of the jungle...
AMELIA
Which means that... there’s a war going on?
ALVINA OPENS A DRAWER AND RUSTLES THROUGH SOME PAPERS.
ALVINA
Oh God.
AMELIA
What?
ALVINA
We’re in Panaragua!
AMELIA
Oh you’re kidding me! We’re in Panaragua?
ALVINA
I think we’ve landed in the middle of The Panaraguan civil war!
AMELIA
Oh shit.
ALVINA
Just our luck! From sharing a taxi with a cannibal straight into one of the most bloody conflicts on the planet!
AMELIA
What does the Panaraguan military want with us though?
ALVINA
To think that less than 48 hours ago I was in Bermondsey. I had a dentist’s appointment today.
AMELIA
If this is a military hospital, what do you make of the lady in the bed over there?
ALVINA
Wounded soldier?
AMELIA
But she doesn’t look like a wounded soldier... She’s pregnant.
ALVINA
Even soldiers get pregnant?
AMELIA
Sure, but... It just doesn’t add up. Oh, I just had an idea! If she’s a civilian, then maybe-
ALVINA
Of course! Her things!
AMELIA
Quick. Before she wakes up! The cupboard next to her bed!
THEY RUMMAGE THROUGH STUFF IN THE CUPBOARD.
AMELIA
Bingo! Cell phone.
AMELIA DIALS. A FEW BEEPS, THEN…
THE INTERVIEWER’S ANSWER PHONE
Congratulations. You’ve reached me. If you're a client, try our other phone. You cheat! If you're Alvina, no, I haven’t read the case file, and I’m not going to. If you have a cocoa delivery, come straight in. If neither of these apply, please leave a message after the beep. Toodledoo!
BEEP.
AMELIA
Hi. It’s us. I don’t know if you’ve got access to your cell, but... Things have turned... weird. We’re not in Russia. In fact, we think we’re in Panaragua. Do you know anything about this? Maybe we’ve missed a message or something? They took our phones. Anyway, we’ll call again when we know more. I really hope to see you soon…
THEME TUNE - LATIN AMERICAN VERSION
INTRO
The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 30: Baby.
THE INTERVIEW
ALVINA
It’s been nine hours, and they haven’t even given us a snack bar. I’m hallucinating. I’m seeing scones with butter, and jam, and cream, and...!
BABY
Hello?!
THE VOICE OF A SMALL GIRL APPEARS.
AMELIA
Who’s that?
ALVINA
Who?
BABY
Hello?
AMELIA
The voice!
BABY
Hello there! Lady!
AMELIA
That voice!
ALVINA
I can’t hear anything. Oh, I think your hallucinations are worse than mine!
AMELIA
It’s not a hallucination. There’s a girl here somewhere!
AMELIA OPENS CUPBOARDS, LOOKS EVERYWHERE.
BABY
Please help me!
AMELIA
It’s OK, you can come out!
ALVINA
OK, you’re scaring me.
AMELIA
Hello? Where are you?
ALVINA
I’m going to get us some food. And water.
AMELIA KEEPS LOOKING IN CUPBOARDS. ALVINA KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.
ALVINA
Hello! We need food in here! We’re starving! This is no way to treat your guests!
ALVINA KEEPS KNOCKING LOUDLY. SAVANNAH CAN BE HEARD FROM THE HALLWAY.
BABY
What's happening?
AMELIA
Quiet! Someone’s coming.
SAVANNAH ENTERS.
SAVANNAH
Why are you making such noise?
ALVINA
We haven’t had any water or food for over nine hours.
SAVANNAH
A human can go up to 48 hours without water.
ALVINA
Not in this heat! My colleague is hearing voices. She’s loosing her marbles.
SAVANNAH
That’s no good. We need her marbles.
ALVINA
Well then?
SAVANNAH
Come with me. I’ll take you to the cantina.
ALVINA
Perfect.
SAVANNAH
But be quick. And only one of you.
ALVINA
I’ll be right back! I promise!
ALVINA AND SAVANNAH LEAVE. THE DOOR IS LOCKED BEHIND THEM.
- AD BREAK -
BABY
Are you still there?
AMELIA
Yes. They’ve gone, you can come out now.
BABY
I can’t. I’m trapped. Ooh, it’s so dark! Can you please help me out of here?!
AMELIA
I don’t know where you are.
BABY
I want to escape.
AMELIA
Heh… Well at least you’ve come to the right person.
BABY
Have I?
AMELIA
Yes, helping people escape is sort of what I do. Although it’s hard when I don’t know where I’m helping you escape from...
BABY
Sorry.
AMELIA
Oh, it’s fine, we just have to figure it out. Where to start, though... Why don’t you tell me your story?
BABY
OK. I woke up, and it was completely dark.
AMELIA
Yes?
BABY
I didn’t know where I was, or anything. And then, then you appeared, out of the darkness.
AMELIA
Interesting. You're only seeing darkness... but you can see me?
BABY
Yes.
AMELIA
Could you really be in my head?
BABY
I don’t know. Is that where I am?
AMELIA
I don’t know. Or... Hmm... I have another theory, but I need to test something... I’m - I’m really sorry about this.
AMELIA SOFTLY SLAPS THE UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN IN THE HOSPITAL BED. THE WOMAN GROANS.
AMELIA
Could you feel that? I’m sorry about slapping you, but I’m trying to figure out if you're this unconscious woman.
BABY
No. I didn’t feel anything.
AMELIA
Okay... You’re probably not her then... Or you just can’t feel anything. Do you have any memories from before you woke up in the darkness?
BABY
No.
AMELIA
Can you move?
BABY
Just a little bit. It’s - eh - tight in here.
AMELIA
Tight? Do a kick.
BABY
Why?
AMELIA
Humour me.
BABY
Here goes.
THE UNCONCIOUS WOMAN LETS OUT A GROAN.
AMELIA
Aha! Can you feel this?
THE UNCONCIOUS WOMAN GROANS AGAIN.
BABY
Yes! I can!
AMELIA
So if I press here, just below her belly button…
THE WOMAN GROANS YET AGAIN.
AMELIA
…how many fingers would that be?
BABY
Two!
AMELIA
That settles it... You're a fetus!
BABY
What is that?
AMELIA
You are the fetus in this woman’s womb. That’s a surprise... I seem to have stumbled upon a telepathic foetus...
BABY
Okay... Can you help me though? I need to get out of here! I don’t think I can take this any longer.
AMELIA
In theory I could easily get you out, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.
BABY
Why not?
AMELIA
A Caesarean section is risky. It’s better to just wait for this to end naturally.
BABY
For me to die?!
AMELIA
No, no, for you to be born!
BABY
What do you mean?
AMELIA
Uh. I guess since you’ve only just gained consciousness, there’s a lot you don’t know. Well. Currently, you are inside your mother’s womb. You have to be in there for nine months in total, but judging from how much your mother is showing, I would say you’ve got very little time left. Your predicament is completely normal. All humans start out like this.
BABY
All humans start out squeezed into a ball? Huh. That seems cruel.
AMELIA
In the words of Cornelia Funke, “The world is a terrible place, cruel, pitiless, dark as a bad dream.” I wonder how you know so many words? You’ve never seen a ball!
BABY
I don’t know.
AMELIA
Of course! Telepathy. You’re just emoting. My brain must be translating that into language.
BABY
Listen, lady! I don’t know what you are talking about, and I don’t care! Just get me out of here! Get me out of here! Get me out of here!
THE UNCONSCIOUS WOMAN STARTS GROANING, MORE AND MORE, IN PAIN.
AMELIA
Hey, stop kicking your mother! Please stop! Please!
BABY
(SIMULTANEOUSLY)
Get me out of here! Get me out of here! Get me out of here!
AMELIA
There there, now now! Hey, listen, just... Stop! Okay! Stop! I’ll help you!
THE GROANING STOPS.
BABY
Will you?
AMELIA
Yes.
BABY
Thank you.
AMELIA
Not at all. Now, listen carefully. Here is how this is going to work.
BABY
OK?
AMELIA
Extracting you from your current situation is not going to be easy… But luckily, you happen to have stumbled upon the best in the business.
BABY
Yes?
AMELIA
We will have to use a very secret procedure which is known under the code name… “birth”! You’ve never heard of “birth”, have you?
BABY
No?
AMELIA
Good. Now, this procedure requires careful planning. It could take weeks... You will have to be patient. Do you think you can manage that?
BABY
I’ll try. As long as you can set me free.
AMELIA
To make the procedure as smooth as possible, I need you to make sure that your head is facing downwards. Okay?
BABY
Well, I’m upside down now, I’ll just stay like this.
AMELIA
Good. I think we’re all set then.
BABY
That’s it? But how are you going to do it?
AMELIA
That is... a trade secret. All I can say is: You’ll know when it’s happening.
BABY
How?
AMELIA
Well, you’ll start by feeling some tightening. The space around you will start pressing, like it's trying to push you out.
BABY
That doesn’t sound very pleasant!
AMELIA
Then after a while these... contractions will get more frequent, and then, this opening will appear, and there will be a very bright light. You have to move towards the light. Allow yourself to emerge and... that’s it really.
BABY
That’s it?
AMELIA
Yes. Once you’re out, why don’t you scream your lungs out?
BABY
Why?
AMELIA
That will be our secret sign that everything has gone to plan.
BABY
OK, I’ll scream!
AMELIA
Good. Now, I guess we’re not getting paid for this one...
BABY
Paid?
AMELIA
Actually, how about we defer your payment for about eighteen years?
BABY
Okay?
AMELIA
Once you’ve finished your education, you promise to come back and find me. We could do with a telepath. You’ll repay your debt by working for us.
BABY
Anything to get out of this stuffy bag!
AMELIA
Memorise this phone number: Double O 44 20 38 07 36 34.
BABY
Thank you so much miss!
AMELIA
I predict a bright future for you! This is when we’d normally pop open the champagne, but... you shouldn’t have any, and I don’t think this field hospital stocks Veuve Cliquot.
ALVINA IS SHOVED IN THROUGH THE DOOR.
ALVINA
Rude! I won’t have you pushing me around like that!
AMELIA
Alvina, calm down.
ALVINA
I got two bottles of water and some bread, but they were very rude about it.
THE PREGNANT WOMAN GROANS.
ALVINA
Why are you holding that pregnant woman’s hand?
AMELIA
She’s the mother of a client. It… It’s hard to explain.
ALVINA
You’ve really lost it haven’t you. I’m so sorry, here, have some water!
ALVINA HANDS AMELIA A BOTTLE. AMELIA OPENS IT AND DRINKS. THE WOMAN GROANS AGAIN, MUCH LOUDER THIS TIME, AND STARTS BREATHING HEAVILY.
ALVINA
What's going on?
THE WOMAN BREATHS LOUDLY AGAIN.
AMELIA
Oh no.
ALVINA
I think her water just broke!
AMELIA
We have to get a doctor!
THEY RUN TO THE DOOR AND START BANGING ON IT. IN THE BACKGROUND, THE WOMAN IS GOING INTO LABOUR.
ALVINA/AMELIA
Hey! Hey, she’s going into labour! Hello! We need a doctor! Quick! Hello?!!
END THEME TUNE.
PHILIP
We hope you enjoyed this episode of The Amelia Project. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first, the credits.
This episode was written and edited by Øystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. The episode featured Lani Minella as Baby, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Lory Martinez as Savannah, Arturo Tovar as Diego and Alan Burgon as the Interviewer. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions with graphic design by Anders Pedersen.
If you want to support the show and join our community, consider becoming a patron. As a five dollar patron you’ll be able to join all our video live streams including our Christmas Party with the whole gang on the twelfth of December. Simply go to ameliapodcast.com and click on Support the show.
Thank you to our super patrons Jem Fidyk, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson and Kate Sukeyasu. And now, the epilogue.
EPILOGUE
A MUSIC BOX IS WOUND UP. IT PLAYS THE AMELIA THEME.
A NEWBORN IS MAKING CUTE LITTLE NOISES.
AMELIA
(TO THE BABY) Ahh. Now, that went well, didn’t it? Yes! It did! We got you out, didn’t we? And everything went fine! We upheld our part of the bargain. Yes? That’s right, isn’t it? Isn’t it? Hello? Are you still there? Hello? Hello? Hello, are you there? Hello?
THE BABY MAKES MORE BABY NOISES.
AMELIA
(SIGHS) Ah, well. Never mind… Hm.
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.
END OF EPISODE