EPISODE 32 - THE NEW PRESIDENT
WARNING: EXPLICIT LANGUAGE.
PHILIP
Hello! Here we are back on your feed with a new full episode for a second time this week. The reason for that is that as we explained at the end of the last episode we’re currently crowdfundring to make the rest of this season. Our goal is to reach 450 patrons at which point we can announce a launch date for season 3, part 2. But the next two episodes are already recorded and we said we’d release them early on reaching the first milestone of 400 patrons. And I’m delighted to say that we’ve hit that first goal so as promised today we’re releasing the next episode.
We’d like to thank everyone who signed up over the last few days, it’s really, really, really appreciated and we’d like to dedicate this episode to our whole Patreon community, each and every one of you who helps keep this show alive, thank you so, so much.
We will be holding a Christmas Party live stream for patrons with the whole Amelia gang, Julia Morizawa, Julia Thorne, Alan Burgon, Fredrik Baden, Anders Pedersen, Øystein and myself on Saturday the 12th of December at 2pm Pacific Time. We’ll drink cocoa, answer your questions and perform a Christmas sketch. Generally we do these live streams on a regular basis for $5 Patrons, but this time we’ve decided to open it up to all patrons, regardless of how much you pledge. If you want to join us for our next live stream and you want to help us reach our goal of 450 patrons, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on ‘Support the show’.
Right. The Interviewer is back in his prison cell which has now been turned into a war room where he has to figure out how to fake the Panaraguan president’s assasination, and Amelia and Alvina are on their way to meet the leader of the resistance. Enjoy the new episode.
PROLOGUE
FADING IN: AMELIA AND ALVINA WALK DOWN A LONG CORRIDOR, ESCORTED BY SAVANNAH. JUNGLE SOUNDS ARE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND.
SAVANNAH
…don't move so much and don't mention 1972.
AMELIA
Right.
SAVANNAH
Oh, and don't mention Ed Sheeran.
ALVINA
Ed Sheeran?
SAVANNAH
He's a pop star. British. Thought you'd know that.
ALVINA
I know who Ed Sheeran is, it's just...
SAVANNAH
Well he really really really really doesn't like him.
ALVINA
Ed Sheeran?
SAVANNAH
Yes.
ALVINA
Huh.
SAVANNAH
Are you ready?
AMELIA
Ready for what?
SAVANNAH
He'll explain.
SAVANNAH KNOCKS ON THE DOOR.
SAVANNAH
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
(IN ENGLISH TO AMELIA AND ALVINA) Please go in. Pablo Perez Garcia is waiting for you.
SUDDENLY A LOUD EXPLOSION NEARBY.
SAVANNAH
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
ALVINA
What? What is that?
AMELIA
What's happening?!
ALVINA
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
ANOTHER EXPLOSION.
AMELIA
Get down!
SOUND OF PEOPLE RUNNING AND SCREAMING IN THE DISTANCE. MACHINE GUN FIRE. AIR RAID SIREN.
SAVANNAH
Follow me!
ALVINA
Where? Where are we going? What’s going on?
AMELIA
You’ve gotta be kidding me!
ANOTHER EXPLOSION OUTSIDE.
SAVANNAH
RAPIDO!
THEME TUNE
TITLES
The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Brager, with music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Episode 32: The New President.
IN THE INTERVIEWER’S CELL AT GOLOVIN PRISON.
INTERVIEWER
(SIPS) It's not like at home.
BORIS
(HE SIPS) I think it's delicious. Oleg, you try some.
OLEG
(SIPS)
BORIS
Isn't it delicious Oleg?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
BORIS
Bogdan Bazhanov followed Les Deux Magot's recipe to the letter.
INTERVIEWER
You can tell Bogdan Bazhanov it's lacking that certain “je ne sais quoi”.
BORIS
(SIGHS)
INTERVIEWER
Any news about Kozlowski? Amelia? Alvina?
BORIS
President Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972 boards a plane to Monterosa in the next two hours. All you need to be worrying about is how to fake his assassination and bring him back as Pablo Perez Garcia. Once that's been accomplished, finding your friends will be our next priority.
INTERVIEWER
I'm going to need some specifics about the location.
BORIS
Of course.
(SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN TO OLEG.)
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
A SHEET IS WHISKED AWAY.
BORIS
This is a model of Plaza de la Sangre Martirzada.
INTERVIEWER
That's the palace.
BORIS
Yes. Palacio de Santa María de la Purísima Salvat Romero. It takes up the whole north side of the square.
INTERVIEWER
And that's the balcony where he'll address the crowds?
BORIS
Yes. That's where we want him shot.
INTERVIEWER
That's a church?
BORIS
Iglesia de las Lagrimas Puras. Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Hm. Tick tock toss a rock, spin a hedgehog in a sock. We want Perez up in the tower with a rifle. He can get a good aim from up there. Also, getting back down will take a while. We need as much time as possible between the assassination and Perez reaching the palace.
BORIS
How do we make sure he's in the tower?
INTERVIEWER
We need someone to tip him off about Julio's spontaneous return to Panaragua.
BORIS
It'll have to be someone from the president's inner circle.
INTERVIEWER
Won't that be suspicious?
BORIS
Do you know how much his staff hate him? Just last week his chef served him an empanada stuffed with cyanide, his doctor hooked him up to a mercury drip, his fitness instructor hit him over the head with a dumbbell, and his driver fitted his car with an ejector seat.
INTERVIEWER
In that case it has to be the bodyguard! He tells Perez when Julio intends to appear on the balcony and gives him instructions on where to aim.
BORIS
The president will wear a bullet proof vest?
INTERVIEWER
No. Too risky.
BORIS
You want to give Perez a fake bullet? How?
INTERVIEWER
No. The shot must be real.
BORIS
So...?
INTERVIEWER
We surround the whole balcony with bullet proof glass. But the bodyguard tells Perez there's a weak point. He says he'll set up the bullet proof screens in such a way that they're not perfectly aligned with the palace wall. There's a tiny gap.
BORIS
Pablo Perez Garcia is an excellent marksman.
INTERVIEWER
Exactly. If he aims for the spot where the screen meets the palace wall, the bullet will whistle through the gap and hit Julio's chest from the side. Or so it will seem. In reality the bullet simply bounces off the screen. On hearing the bang Julio collapses.
Do the Kremlin kitchens stock cornstarch, onion flakes, food colouring, chocolate syrup and HP sauce?
BORIS
Um... what for?
THE INTERVIEWER WALKS OVER TO HIS DESK AND GETS SOME PAPER FROM A DRAWER.
INTERVIEWER
Blood. I'll give Bogdan Bazhanov my very own recipe. Tell him to follow it to a T. We can't have him mangle this the way he mangled that cocoa.
THE INTERVIEWER SCRIBBLES DOWN THE RECIPE.
BORIS
Oleg, go and make sure this gets to Bogdan right away.
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
BORIS
(IN RUSSIAN) Hurry! Hurry!
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes! Yes!
OLEG LEAVES.
INTERVIEWER
The crowd will gasp and spin round to see who fired the shot. They look up to the church and up there in the tower is Pablo Perez Garcia, brandishing his rifle and punching the air. The crowd cheers! Perez drapes the rebels' orange flag from tower. The crowd goes bananas! Amid the commotion the bodyguard pulls Julio into the palace. Perez descends the tower and crosses the square to the palace. With the crowds, the hugging, kissing and posing for selfies, it'll take him at least twenty minutes to get there.
BORIS
Twenty minutes in which we have to turn President Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972 into Pablo Perez Garcia.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
BORIS
And how do we do that?
INTERVIEWER
I don't have a fucking clue.
BORIS
What?
INTERVIEWER
(ANGRILY) I don't have a fucking clue!
BORIS
But... Is this a trick?
INTERVIEWER
Which part of I don't have a fucking clue don't you understand?
BORIS
But you're the expert?!
INTERVIEWER
BUT I'M NOT KOZLOWSKI!!!
BORIS
You need a surgeon?
INTERVIEWER
I need a genius.
BORIS
I've got an idea. Come with me!
INTERVIEWER
I'm sorry?
BORIS
Come with me!
THEY HEAD OUT INTO THE PRISON CORRIDOR.
INTERVIEWER
Where are we going? Are we going back to the Kremlin?
BORIS
No.
INTERVIEWER
But we're leaving Golovin?
BORIS
No.
INTERVIEWER
So where are we going?
BORIS
Next cell on your right.
INTERVIEWER
Huh…?
BORIS
This one over here.
BORIS UNLOCKS THE CELL DOOR. THEY ENTER. THE MINUTE THE DOOR OPENS WE HEAR BUZZING, WHIRRING, ZITZING AND TRILLING. THE FLUTTERING AND STRUMMING OF A THOUSAND TINY LEGS AND WINGS.
INTERVIEWER
What the-
BORIS
Relax. It's just a dragonfly.
INTERVIEWER
What is this?
BORIS
Cell 405. You said you need a genius.
INTERVIEWER
Who-
ANT
Careful!!!
INTERVIEWER
Ah?!
ANT
Look where you're going please. You almost trod on an Euspinolia militaris. They're extremely rare.
INTERVIEWER
A Euspin-what now?
ANT
A panda ant.
INTERVIEWER
Ant!
ANT
Well, panda ants aren't actually ants, they're a type of wingless wasp known from the mutillidae family.
INTERVIEWER
Ant!
ANT
It does look like an ant though doesn't it? Don't let its cute appearance fool you though. Panda ants aren't called "cow-killers" for nothing. Their sting is fierce.
INTERVIEWER
Oh, for God’s sake, Ant!
ANT
Oh, hello.
BORIS
I believe you're old friends.
INTERVIEWER
I'm not sure "friends" is the right-
ANT
Have you brought the plans?
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?
ANT
You've brought the cybug plans from London? Oh, thank god! I've been trying to rebuild it for weeks. I inserted a microchip into a larva just like before, but the insect's nerves and muscles have failed to intertwine with the circuit. I've been wracking my brains about what I'm doing wrong. Now, let me see those-
INTERVIEWER
I don't have the plans.
ANT
They're still in London?
INTERVIEWER
Perhaps.
ANT
You've lost them?
INTERVIEWER
No.
ANT
So?
INTERVIEWER
I left them at the office. But the office may have been raided by now. Or Alvina might have taken the plans with her. God, I don't know.
ANT
And where's she?
INTERVIEWER
(BITTERLY) I wish I could tell you, but this clown-
BORIS
You've obviously got a lot of catching up to do.
ANT
Oh, sorry, but I'm actually rather busy. I'm extracting the luciferase from a firefly and injecting it into a watercress plant to make it glow. I'm going to use it as my desk lamp. Imagine if our homes and streets could all be illuminated by plants! Think of the electricity we would save!
BORIS
The two of you are going to collaborate.
INTERVIEWER
Excuse me?!
ANT
What use is he without the plans? He doesn't know a weevil from a water bug. Can I please get back to my bioluminescent watercress?
BORIS
We've got bigger things to focus on than fireflies.
INTERVIEWER
This is ridiculous What we need is a surgeon! Not an insect enthusiast.
ANT
What's that supposed to mean?
INTERVIEWER
With the greatest respect Ant, what do you know about medical procedures?
ANT
Name an ailment and I'll give you an insect to remedy it! The venom of the South American Devil Ant is the best modern treatment for arthritis. Silkworm extracts can cure seizure disorders. The antimicrobial compound produced by blow flies is an anti-tumor agent. The venom of Polybia paulista kills cancer cells without harming normal cells. The-
INTERVIEWER
This is all extremely fascinating, but I'm afraid none of this helps the case in han-
ANT
What about the Black Mountain Ant?
INTERVIEWER
What about it?
ANT
It's widely used in Traditional Chinese Medicine and is basically a cure all!
INTERVIEWER
Yup, well even if we threw a lorry load of Black Mountain Ants at this problem it still wouldn't solve it.
ANT
You haven't even told me what the problem is!
THE RIDICULOUS RINGTONE OF BORIS’ MOBILE GOES OFF.
BORIS
Shit!
(HE TAKES THE CALL. SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
(IN ENGLISH) I have to see Mikhail. He wants a status update.
INTERVIEWER
What will you tell him?
BORIS
I'll tell him everything is under control and that we're good to go in one and a half hours.
INTERVIEWER
But we don't have a strategy!
BORIS
Make sure that when I come back we do. Get working!
BORIS LEAVES.
INTERVIEWER
So. It's come to this. I'm in a Russian prison cell with a Dipterologist.
ANT
Follow me. It’s quieter in my lab.
THEY GO INTO ANT’S LAB. ANT CLOSES THE DOOR.
ANT
How are you enjoying Golovin?
INTERVIEWER
It's not exactly Claridges, but until a few hours ago I was perfectly content here.
ANT
They try and keep us happy.
INTERVIEWER
Us?
ANT
Have you met any of the other Block D inmates?
INTERVIEWER
I try not to socialise with arsonists and axe murderers.
ANT
(LAUGHS) This isn't where they keep the criminals! This is the VIP block.
INTERVIEWER
What do you mean?
ANT
This corridor is home to some of the brightest brains in astronomy, linguistics and computer science.
INTERVIEWER
And they put me with you?
ANT
Hiroshi next door is Japan's most eminent robotics engineer. They captured and brought him here to create the world's first robotic ballerina.
INTERVIEWER
Well fry me like a sausage!
ANT
Then there's Abd al-Rahman Safar.
INTERVIEWER
The psychic? Didn't he go missing right after he was on The Late Show with Stephen Colb- oh I see.
ANT
He's right here in cell 233 using clairvoyance to help the Russians obtain state secrets.
INTERVIEWER
Well dip me in ketchup and call me a french fry!
ANT
What about you? What did they bring you here for?
INTERVIEWER
I'm here to help their ally, the president of Panaragua.
ANT
What?! President Julio Che Rodriguez Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972?!
INTERVIEWER
Yes. Julio.
ANT
(SCOFFS) "Julio."
INTERVIEWER
He said I could call him that.
ANT
(DISGUSTED) Oh yes? Hit it off did you?
INTERVIEWER
What's your problem Ant?
ANT
He's a monster!!!
INTERVIEWER
Well yes, but in his defense-
ANT
Do you know how much destruction he has caused!
INTERVIEWER
Well sure, razing the Canario National Forest and evicting the Taipecan People was a tad ruthless-
ANT
It was barbaric!!!
INTERVIEWER
Oh, I didn't know you where such such a champion of the Taipecan tribe.
ANT
Not the tribe, the insects!
INTERVIEWER
Of course.
ANT
That forest was home to more than 30 million species, that's 700 species per tree! The Leaf-Cutter Ant, the Weaver Ant, the Bullet Ant, the Lantern Fly, the Jumping Stick, the Flannel Moth Caterpillar, the Assassin Bug, the Barber Bee, the Leaf-Mimic Katydid, the wasp-
INTERVIEWER
Ant, you're not seriously going to reel of all 30 million of them.
ANT
What I'm trying to say is that your friend "Julio" is a very bad man. You mustn't help him.
INTERVIEWER
Oh but I will. And so will you.
ANT
Me?
INTERVIEWER
You heard Boris. He wants us to collaborate.
ANT
Never!
INTERVIEWER
In that case we'll end up in the Golovin basement.
ANT
(WITH DREAD) The basement.
INTERVIEWER
Yes.
ANT
They took poor Wolfgang there when he refused to hand over his plans for the solar powered tank.
INTERVIEWER
So you'll help me?
ANT
Oh… What do I need to do?
INTERVIEWER
That’s the spirit, Ant! Thank you. All you have to do is turn this man (SLAPS A PHOTOGRAPH ONTO A TABLE) into this man (ANOTHER PHOTOGRAPH).
ANT
Is that a joke?
INTERVIEWER
I wish it was.
ANT
Well, that's impossible.
INTERVIEWER
Come on Ant, you're better than this!
ANT
What do you expect me to do?
INTERVIEWER
Tell me there's an earthworm that will do the trick!
ANT
(SCOFFS)
INTERVIEWER
Uh, you're right. I’m sorry Ant. This is ridiculous. I don't know what Boris was thinking.
LONG PAUSE.
ANT
We can get rid of the acne.
INTERVIEWER
What?
ANT
It's a start right? Perez's face is as smooth as a baby's bum whereas "Julio" looks like Quasimodo.
INTERVIEWER
Right. Yes. OK. How do we get rid of the acne?
ANT
Scolopendrid Centipedes have antimicrobial peptides that can cure eczema.
INTERVIEWER
Okay, how long does that take?
ANT
How long have we got?
INTERVIEWER
Twenty minutes.
ANT
Uh. In that case we're going to have to go with red-fanged tropical fire ants instead. Now, a colony of those will strip the acne from his face in no time. But it will hurt. Ah. We can mitigate the pain by administering 3 milligrams of venom from the Japanese Giant Hornet. That will work as a local anesthetic.
INTERVIEWER
Good. Good. Yes, an anesthetic is good. Perez only has one ear so we'll have to snip Julio's right ear off.
ANT
In that case let's double the venom dosage. We can get maggots to clean the wound afterwards.
INTERVIEWER
Maggots?
ANT
It's a popular battlefield therapy. They munch on rotting flesh, leaving healthy tissue practically unscathed. They'll have the wound cleaned quicker than any doctor could.
INTERVIEWER
Right.
ANT
Next we're going to need spider silk. It's one of the strongest natural fibers and ideal for skin grafts. We're going to have to move Julio's nose slightly to the left.
INTERVIEWER
How do we do that?
ANT
We could always try the Canadian Woodcutter Bug...
INTERVIEWER
The Canadian Woodcutter Bug?!
ANT
Look, do you want to try this thing or not?
INTERVIEWER
I... I want Kozlowski! Where is Kozlowski?!
CUT TO COLE, HAINES, MIA AND JACKIE OUTSIDE THE VAN.
COLE
Guys! Guys! Check the bag!
MIA
What?
COLE
There's a zip bag in the back.
MIA OPENS THE BACK OF THE VAN.
MIA
Jesus! There's a corpse in there!
COLE
No, it’s not a corpse. Their surgeon.
MIA
Sorry?
COLE
Their surgeon. At least we have their surgeon...
HAINES
Apparently he drugged himself for the escape.
JACKIE
That’s crazy.
MIA
(SOFTLY) I wouldn’t talk, I saw you with three Bloody Marys on the flight here…
JACKIE
(SOFTLY) Oh shut up!
HAINES
What’s that?
MIA
Nothing. We were just discussing who'll drive the van to the embassy.
COLE
What do you mean "the embassy?"
MIA
The American Embassy. We’re taking the surgeon to our holding cell.
HAINES
No, no, no, no, no! We’re going straight back to Thames House.
MIA
You just lost the others… I think it’s clear that we need some professionals to step in here -
COLE
We lost - !
JACKIE
Calm down everyone. We’re supposed to be collaborating anyway, aren’t we? What difference does it make where we take him?
HAINES
What difference does it make? We’re in England! Britain! The United Kingdom!
JACKIE
Make up your mind…
HAINES
This is our territory!
MIA
We’re taking him to the US embassy, end of discussion.
HAINES
You’re not.
MIA
We are.
HAINES
You’re not.
MIA
We are.
JACKIE
Please! Stop! Jesus. We’re not going to solve this with a shouting match!
COLE
Then how?
JACKIE
I don’t know. Lets call our bosses!
MIA
Huh! You're kidding right? We call Miss Kennedy and we have a major diplomatic incident on our hands.
COLE
Northcott isn’t much better…
HAINES
Actually, Cole… I don’t think we should underestimate Northcott. I reckon she'll understand.
COLE
Understand what?
HAINES
Jackie, I think you’re right! Was it Jackie?
JACKIE
Agent Williams to you.
HAINES
Agent Williams, yeah, yeah, I agree. We need to cooperate. I say we take him to the US embassy.
COLE
Really?!
MIA
What, really?
HAINES
I’ll just call Northcott and inform her of our decision.
JACKIE
Sure.
HAINES
It won't take a jiffy. Cole, will you join me? I might need... support.
COLE
Have you gone barmy?
HAINES
It’ll be fine. Come on now…
COLE AND HAINES WALK A FEW METERS AWAY.
HAINES
Hrm. Yeah, let’s call the number here… and, there we go… ringing…
(LOUDLY SO THAT MIA AND JACKIE CAN HEAR HIM) Ma’am? Hello there! I just need to inform you about something!
COLE
What are you doing?
HAINES
(WHISPERS TO COLE) I’m not actually calling! Listen to me -
(LOUDLY) Yes ma’am? Yes of course - sure!
(WHISPERS) When we get into that van, we’re not driving to the embassy - we lose the yanks at Elephant and Castle!
COLE
(WHISPERS) What?!
HAINES
(LOUDLY) Of course, ma’am! We’ll make sure the Americans have our full support! Now what’s that?
(WHISPERS) Americans don't get roundabouts and those two don’t even know which side of the road to drive on! Are you with me?
COLE
(WHISPERS) Sure, sure…
HAINES
(LOUDLY) Great ma’am! I’ll pass that on to agents Williams and Fox!
(WHISPERS) Now, act normal.
(NORMAL VOICE) Okay, I’ve spoken to our boss and -
A VROOM. TWO CARS SPEED OFF.
HAINES
What the - ? No… No! No, no, no, no, no!
COLE
Oh, for Pete's sake… They nicked the van! And the surgeon! They nicked the van and the surgeon right in front of our eyes! (SHOUTS AFTER THEM) That's not how we do things here!!!
HAINES
Fuck! Fucketifuckfuckfuckfuckfuck!
COLE
You know what we’ve got to do?
HAINES
What?
COLE
Pull a Columbus Double.
HAINES
Right!
HAINES RUNS TO A NEARBY CAR AND SHOUTS TO THE CAR OWNER.
HAINES
Hey! You!
CAR OWNER
What?
HAINES
MI5! I’m commandeering this car!
CAR OWNER
Uh -
HAINES
State business!
CAR OWNER
What -
HAINES
Catching criminals, you know!
CAR OWNER
No. Really?
HAINES
Give me your keys.
CAR OWNER
Uh -
HAINES
For Queen and country. Come on mate.
CAR OWNER
Yeah, yeah, alright -
THE CAR OWNER HANDS OVER HIS KEYS.
The bystander hands over his keys, confused.
COLE
Don’t worry! We’ll get them!
THEY GET IN, SLAM THE CAR DOORS SHUT AND DRIVE OFF.
CAR OWNER
Good luck! I guess…
GOLOVIN FADES BACK IN.
ANT
...then we slather his face with mosquito saliva, inject bog wasp venom into his cheeks to make them swell, change his hair colour with Cochineal dye, gel it back with spittlebug secretions, and from a distance, he could pass as Pablo Perez Garcia.
BORIS
What are the odds of this working?
ANT
One in three. Hundred.
BORIS
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
What do you think?
INTERVIEWER
In the last year I've shot a priest from a cannon, orchestrated a martian invasion, overseen a brain swap, turned a reindeer into a horse and replicated the Loch Ness Monster. But changing a man's appearance through insect therapy is... the most amusing scheme I have ever had the pleasure of being involved in! Let's do it!
BORIS
Sounds crazy.
INTERVIEWER
(DELIGHTED) I know!
BORIS
Too crazy.
ANT
That's what they said about the Cybug.
BORIS
What are the other options.
ANT
This is all we've got.
BORIS
(SIGHS)
You've got all the specimens you need?
ANT
Yes.
BORIS
Start packing them up.
ANT
So we're actually...
BORIS
You leave for Monterosa in half an hour.
ANT
Great! I've always wanted to go to Panaragua! The Titan Beetles there can grow up to twenty centimetres.
INTERVIEWER
Can I go too?
BORIS
Yes.
INTERVIEWER
What, really?
BORIS
No.
INTERVIEWER
Oh. You bastard.
ANT
In order to transport the insects we're going to need sealed plastic containers with enough air to last the flight. We can't risk contamination.
BORIS
Right! I'll make a call!
BORIS WALKS OFF TALKING INTO HIS PHONE.
BORIS
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN.)
OLEG ENTERS.
INTERVIEWER
Oleg! Have you brought me a thermos of cocoa?
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) No.
INTERVIEWER
Oh? (UNSCREWS THE LID) Oh, the blood!
OLEG
(IN RUSSIAN) Yes.
INTERVIEWER
Let's see how that Bogdan fellow got on with my recipe...
BORIS
(CONTINUES SPEAKING RUSSIAN INTO THE PHONE IN THE BACKGROUND)
INTERVIEWER
(OVERLAPPING)
Colour good, consistency... a bit runny but it will do. Now, if I pour some of it onto the floor, let's see how quickly it spreads...
ANT PACES AROUND GATHERING INSECTS AS BORIS GIVES ORDERS OVER THE PHONE AND THE INTERVIEWER KEEPS TESTING THE BLOOD.
ANT
(OVERLAPPING)
Maggots, sawflies, a jumping plant louse, a stink bug, ooh, a dozen shining leaf chafers, two dozen leaf-rolling weevils, a jar of spider wasps, thorn bugs, red-fanged tropical fire ants, spittle bugs, Canadian woodcutter bugs, meadowhawks, giant darners...
OUTRO MUSIC.
PHILIP
We hope you enjoyed this episode. We have one more early release for you, the episode “Alvina”, which we’ll release on the first Monday of 2021. And after that we’ll finalize the remaining nine episodes once we reach 450 patrons. If you’d like to help with that, go to ameliapodcast.com and click on ‘Support the show’. Stay tuned for the epilogue, but first the credits.
This episode was written and directed by Philip Thorne and Øystein Brager with sound design by Dominic Hargreaves and Fredrik Baden. It featured Alan Burgon as the Interviewer, Alex Scott Fairley as Ant, Andrei Zayats as Boris, Alexander Mercury as Oleg, Jordan Cobb as Jackie Williams, Erin King as Mia Fox, Benjamin Noble as agent Haines, Torgny G. Aanderaa as agent Cole, Julia Morizawa as Amelia, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Lory Martinez as Savannah, and additional voices by James Carney. The episode was recorded at the Bridge Writing Studio in London, Lovetraxx Tonstudio in Lüneburg, Germany, Studio Ochenta in Paris, and Loudoun County Public Library in Virginia USA. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions, with graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Thank you to Lala Drona for script consultancy, and thank you to our super patrons Jem Fidyk, Angel Acevedo, Sophie Levezow, Sophia Anderson, and Kate Sukeyasu. We are so immensely grateful for your kind support.
For today’s epilogue we thought we’d play you a few more listener voicemails. We’ve been receiving quite a few voicemails from you over the past few weeks, some intriguing, some hilarious, some completely bonkers, others baffling and some downright terrifying, like the person who called us a few days ago and screamed their lungs out for one minute straight. Don’t worry, we won’t play you that one. If you want to call us, well, we’re not just gonna give you our number, that would be too easy, but you should be able to figure it out. Anyway, here are two more voicemails.
BEEP.
CALLER 1
Ah, nice voicemail. It just gave me the same vibes as the haunted house from Disney. However, down to business. I want to disappear because, well, to be honest I’m bored. I’ve literally done like everything to think of, like cooking to painting to knitting to travelling to doing sports, skiing, mountain climbing, bicycling, being in movies, joining councils, everything imaginable, don’t want to bore you with the nitty, gritty details, and it’s just… it’s just, nothing’s good. Also, people. Urgh, so tired of people. Everytime I interact with them, I really want to, like, take a spork and gouge my eyes out. I can’t deal with it anymore. So, just looking for, something new. Fresh, new start. I think that would be really exciting. Yeah. Well, eh, call me back. Thanks. Bye.
BEEP.
CALLER 2
Okay, listen. I, I, I know it’s late but I gotta go, I, I need to disappear, they’re trying, they’re, they’re, they’re fucking after me, they’re, they’re, the rats! The rats are here! They’re trying to steal my foot! It’s, nobody fucking believes me but they’re trying to steal my foot! Oh! Shit! Shit! Okay, fuckit, if you don’t get back to me - they’re gonna - oh shit!
(COMMOTION)
BEEP.
PRESIDENT JULIO
Your attention! It is I, your presidente Julio Che Rodrigues Alvarez de la Fuente, Major General of the Panaraguan Freedom Army of 1972! And I have a message, muy importante, for you! Now! Go to patreon.com/ameliapodcast and sign up today! That is an order! Panaragua depends on you!
BEEP.
STING
The Fable and Folly Network.
END.